Too Honest

I mentioned in a comment on a Youtube video that I am probably honest to a fault. Part of being a proper adult is being aware of your faults and short-comings and trying to work those out and bettering yourself. I am aware of my over honesty, but I am bothered sometimes by the world around me.

Months ago I found a Youtube user, Sandman and he is a classic Freudian man who believes that men are the pinnacle and women are at the bottom. Women have penis envy and shall never match up to men, of course. We try to emulate men, or else we need men to do the things that we cannot emulate, so he believe. It is actually pathetic and sad that he truly believe this as truth. That this is a MGTOW brainwashed believed truth dogma is pathetic...

I watch Sandman's videos because many times he actually has valid things to say about society. His videos are not solely about degrading women, as MGTOW is men going their own way, not 'women are bat-shit crazy and stupid', the videos cover a variety of life subjects. Even when touching upon women and relationships I sadly often agree with some of the things said, which might be why I have many more male friends than female. I usually change names, but I proudly name Mere-bear as one of my few awesome female friends.

He reviewed the latest Ghost Busters movie and it seemed to show a bit of an Oedipus complex and I truly felt disturbed and disappointment, as I often am pleased to hear him bring up great subjects with true and wise words with opinions based in knowledge. He essentially said that the women were trying to emulate the men, which is not true; they were doing their own jobs, it was a clean slate. He claimed that they were more brave than the men- which is not realistic, and again, it was another clean slate- the movies are different. The situations were different, they are different people, you cannot paint it so black and white.

I rolled my eyes as soon as he began it with "same character but with a vagina and boobs" which doesn't even make sense.... physical attributes obviously don't fucking effect a character... it is just severe passive aggressive attitude breaking through. Like SEVERE passive aggression, lol. He does this a lot actually. He is a very angry suppressed little man. I was harassed and teased a lot in middle and high school, too, but I learned how to not view the entirety of human society as evil.

Sam came over today and I was listening to Sandman's videos with Sam here. Sam is a MRA and he is into MGTOW, which has set him apart from people, and gotten him into trouble, apparently. Somehow in my time of being disabled I have become disconnected from the world... Not being a feminist now makes you a misogynist. Some of the things that Sam have faced has just astounded me... that he didn't agree to basic facts like, that the gender wage gape no longer exists, makes him a horrible sexist. Some of the things that I have heard from Sam I almost find unbelievable, but in the last decade I've spent my life working in a highly professional pharmacy setting or at arcades with a mostly male demographic of open minded people.

One of the videos Sandman said to advise a father about raising a NAWALT, it was abhorrent. He said that any female, like even a five year old, as soon as they are off to college they will be fucking and sucking as many penises as they can. Given the very few number of men I have been with, and even smaller that I have consented to be with, I cannot grasp someone actually believing that. He is just a jaded asshole who is very ignorant when it comes to females.

Sam was talking to me about how his father was rather absent in raising him in how to be a boy. He was not taught in how to stand up for himself and speak up. Not taught in how to do boy things... like maybe how to change a tire, or barter for a better price at a garage sale, or the various other things my dad taught me how to---god dammit my dad raised me like a fucking boy?! Ugh.... Well maybe this makes a little more sense... my father raised me like he would have a boy. As we went over things he wasn't taught we found out I was taught by my dad. It was humorous.

I like Sam as a person, in many ways, and he is kind to me, but I must remain reserved. He mentioned to me that he is romantically involved with other girls, plural, despite being a MGTOW- who many decide to give up on actual dating, and knowing that they are not for him, and he thinks that they are flawed... So I asked why is he dating them. And he said that he is studying them, or trying to learn from them... and it makes me question my friendship with him.

Which makes me question myself. Can I maintain a friendship with someone doing those things? I don't have many friends, so I like to spend time because I am lonely... but that is a terrible reason to keep such a person as a friend, ignoring such a flaw...The thing that kept me speaking to him though was that I hope perhaps I can help him. He seems to need someone to talk to for problems that he has. He has said to me that he doesn't have someone to talk to about many of the issues and feelings that he is dealing with.

But the girls he is dating are not nice people, so they deserve it, right?

Do they? It is the two wrongs making a right conundrum. But simply because I myself am female, I question if he remains friends with me to study me for some reason.

Exes and 'No's

So I was sending text messages to try and gather friends together to watch Captain America: Civil War and found out that many didn't have my new number. Since I became homeless... I was soon phoneless, and it was a serious rough patch in my life. Even before that though, I realized that friends older than me were already moving in together, getting married and such.. If I went back to contact friends I had growing up I would bet 90% of them have children, planned or unplanned.

I was too afraid to ask, but a friend slightly younger than me (I think younger) I found out is married and has a baby. I was stunned. The last that I'd spoken to her, she was still throwing wild parties that the police would come and shut down.. She'd get drunk and make out with another girl... Hearing that this friend had a husband and a child there was a huge unspoken question weighing in my mind. She mentioned that she didn't have time to even see Deadpool, one of her favorite characters... So, was her baby an accident?

Growing up I was always the responsible one. Ever since 12 actually. It's been a while since I've had to use the pregnancy test in my first aid kit, but I still keep one there, cause while it's never for my use, it always seems to be for a friend... And the box of condoms I shove in their face and insist they should use.

I was speaking with a friend who has no idea who this person is, and who any of my past friends are, and will likely never meet them and I was struck with a question that tore at my soul, but made a good point. "You're lucky that you never did get pregnant. You ever use a test?"

I've never used a pregnancy test for myself, which is true, I haven't ever. I've never really had any suspicion that I was pregnant... or at least, since years ago. I've never told a soul about the horrible torture that went beyond the abuse I endured with my first boyfriend.
 
People speak ill of exes all the time, but my first boyfriend was a sadist in the truest definition of the word. I honestly, even to this day, don't know if he planned out what he wanted to do with me, or his actions were those of a sick person acting out in mental anguish. From his behavior I know he must have some mental issues of some sort, perhaps split personality disorder or schizophrenia... he believed in wild and crazy delusions. He was a compulsive liar and his home life was ridden with issues starting back with molestation by an uncle as a child, or so I was told. 

I recall his house being so filthy that I was shocked at how dirty it was. I felt as if you took a paint scraper you might be able to remove some of the thick, dark, greasy residue that coated the floors, walls, tables, chairs, sofa, stairs, banisters, sinks, tub, and everything else. The tub was broken and had disgusting black filth in it, I had no idea what was in the sink, and the entire house stank of cat urine. I wanted to leave there after arriving, so I would show up there if we were going to be driven some place by his mom and aunt.

It was the evening that he got me to stay and chill in his room that he began to abuse me sexually to add on to his physical abuse. My apartment wasn't safe, he knew how to jimmy the lock open, though it was pretty easy it was broken. I was underage, I couldn't go to the cops, and my dad wouldn't help me... so I felt stuck. I begged him to at least not get me pregnant, to at least use protection. Of course he didn't. He insisted that his incessant use of tobacco and alcohol would drive his sperm count to such low numbers that he could use me however he wished. He was pretty unabashed about it, too. My roommate later confronted him in front of some people about things she witnessed him doing to me. He had us both afraid, he had access to guns and weapons, gang ties-whom I met, and the marks he left on me, some have scarred... My cervix is scarred so even if my back were uninjured I might not be able to carry a baby to term correctly.

Every month around my period's due date I would freak out... all because I was an object to be used and thrown away by a crazy delusional boy, and my father wouldn't help me get away or contact police. My friend I think made the comment to try to shame me... suggest that I had actually willingly dated this guy, and willfully had sex, and super enjoyed it... and the cysts on my cervix, too I suppose.

My second boyfriend at least was better because it was verbally stated he would use protection and he told me that he would get what he wanted. Years later when I finally tried to kill myself because I couldn't take it any more he claimed that he didn't realize that I hadn't been consenting to sex... Despite often I would say things like "no" and "stop", and there would be verbal threats or physical threats onto objects to show violence. He has such selective memory, too. Another compulsive liar.

If I had just managed to start sleeping around when I was 12, but used condoms, like my friends, maybe things would have turned out happy for me. heh.... but no I had to get myself drugged and raped by the neighbor.

SSI, SSDI, Pain

I always have been leery of authority after I discovered that cops were not to be trusted. Barely 17 I found out that government responded to bribes over protecting victims of violence. So later on when I was working at the pharmacy I should have jumped on the bandwagon of taking advantage of the system like everyone else did... I kick myself that I didn't.

There is no way that I can receive SSDI because of time elapsed for application and last time worked, because I ignorantly listened to my doctors saying that I might get better.. I might improve... Even after I was laid off from my job. The government doesn't want people to take disability unless people are actually disabled I thought... well, that's not true.

If there is even a chance that you might not get better in the next few months, I would encourage anyone who is injured to apply, or else it might ruin their lives. Because I failed to apply, listening to my doctors, I now face permanent poverty unless by a miracle I do get better. I will never see more than $800 a month, which needs to be closer to $1600 to be a living amount for a single adult where I currently live, and that is minimum.

"Funded by general tax revenues, Supplemental Security Income program was created to provide financial assistance to elderly and disabled individuals with little or no income. According to its website, SSI provides cash to meet basic needs for food, clothing and shelter. Monthly SSI payments are based on need and can be as much as $1,098 for couples, as of 2012. However, SSI wasn't intended to provide for eligible recipients' housing needs, so additional housing assistance is sometimes necessary."

Lovely thing I found online. So SSI is income tossed to people who rightfully tried not to abuse the system, got dealt a terrible hand, and are expected to live on the street if they are in a place where there isn't enough shelter? I am often bed-ridden all day! It goes on to mention section 8, and a few other programs, but section 8's own website shows that there are only a handful of open places across the ENTIRE COUNTRY... You would have to find a way to MOVE CROSS COUNTRY, and even then you'd be put into a large lottery pool.

The entire time since my accident I was facing trying to get better, but the realization that I likely won't is beginning to sink in... But not getting better comes with the option of not being able to afford to live. I've had psychiatric disability qualifiers since I was at least fourteen, but the government doesn't care. It doesn't matter that I am entitled to collect my mother's SSDI. Ed Sheeran's Bloodstream is on repeat. I feel the chemicals burn in my blood stream, so tell me when it kicks in.

Chemicals right now are sitting in an amber vials looking tantalizing, but if I quickly calculate milligrams and dosages, I know what is going to happen. I could get super high... I could make a decent shot at killing myself before I get the official notice from the government that I'm disabled and I don't have means to live anymore... But most likely I would take that decent shot and before enough of the pills could be absorbed I would vomit them up. That is what happened the last time I seriously tried to harm myself such.

My blood pressure medication is a dose too low to cause respiratory arrest when mixed even with other downers and alcohol, despite if I swallowed a newly refilled bottle. Nuerontin and other medication doses have been lowered considerably, which lends having to take more pills for more punch, and increases the chances of getting sick.

I stopped cutting myself because the scars were becoming a troublesome thing to others... so now I just don't take my pain medication and I revel in the agony that I feel. That is, until I cannot feel anymore. Eventually I begin to go numb and I realize that I must be over loading what few pathways aren't damaged. The SSA's decision doesn't even matter when the max amount won't be enough to pay even half of the expense of living... I wish that I could have just died in that car accident.

Male Rape and Rape Culture... mgtow?

Sandman is a YouTube user I was referred to because I watch: The Amazing Atheist, Armoured Skeptic, Sargon of Akkad, Thunderf00t . And I had no idea what MGTOW was... so I watched his videos explaining about men going their own way. He often takes in $20 donations and if given good subjects will speak about them. Here is one that has been pissing me off mostly because social justice warrior feminazi's have been all over rape culture.

David was a viewer who donated money to have [this video] "false rape claims" discussed. "Especially how they affect men, even after the man is proven innocent." Which is a topic that I particularly get really upset about. (That whole article calls physical sexual harassment full on assault. I was more sexually harassed during middle school and high school and only my mother tried to help me, no teachers cared. She had to call the district.) I was very close friends with a man who is a registered sex offender because his wife didn't want to get a divorce, it'd look bad in the eyes of the church. So what does she do? She got their two little girls to lie to the police about things their dad never did to them, thinking that once she ruined his life she could tell the truth and damage undone, right? Well, no, once you're on that list, you're not off it. I lived with him for a while, when I was like a size 2!, and he was completely paternal to me. I mean he could have done the creepy-old-guy-hitting-on-girl-that-could-be-daughter-thing but he didn't. We only lost touch really because I moved 2,000 miles away and we are both bi-polar and depressed people. I should shoot him an email and see how he is... anyway.

 Sandman goes on to point out that third wave feminists cannot find statistics to prove wrong, that is claims of false rape. Much akin to people who believe in paranormal or aliens (or religion), if you cannot prove them wrong, despite that the evidence they have perhaps cannot be 100% disproved, that 0.001% unknown variable allows them to argue that they are correct. This is why they claim that there is a "rape culture".

The largest rape culture that you see in the USA is in our male prison system, and nearly everyone turns a blind eye to the problem. People make jokes at the expense of the victims. It is a horrible and violent crime that has become a huge source of humor to our society, which shows just how much of a bias and double standard that we have for men vs. women. Why are feminists not realizing that more men are raped than women during an average year? Don't they realize that no one seems to be addressing the issues about male victims, either? RAINN doesn't count them at all! So many are dedicating time and resources for female victims, but in comparison to the sheer amount of males, nothing is being done. You're only a victim of rape, if you're a certain kind of male victim. I think that's a rape culture, and it's men who're suffering it.

About 200,000 men are raped in prison each year... So then there is another figure of men and women, and boys and girls being abused of just under 300,000. So like 40% of our sexual assault victims each year are being ignored, made fun of, beaten, silenced, and everyone knows and doesn't care. (for some reason I got on a tangent and wound up on the social security's website looking at step's after approval... ahem... there was a political debate about $12 vs $15/hr 15 being more than I ever made which I found from Star wars.. but the min wage- SSI income.. Before that I was at Star Wars off ABC news which I had clicked on from the 200k men article above. So ADHD)

The only other rape culture that actually exists is among cultures that encourage rape, though. Most feminists who are around now are so rich and privileged that they never run into the type of girl or woman who might suffer from a real rape culture in the U.S. or visiting from abroad. Rape culture is alive and well in many third world countries, but third world feminists seem to care more about ruining my video games than actually helping child brides.

Sandman mentions that the first time that he learned about rape was an episodes about Matlock where a woman was beaten and raped by soldiers and then had to be taken to the hospital. The word conjures up images from that episode for him. I must admit that I am surprised, because whenever I hear the word I keep going back to my first boyfriend; I'm trying desperately to shove him off me, and screaming for him to stop. My hands are in fists punching his chest it's like a wall. I am screaming for mercy and in pain. The pain was so overwhelming it took my breath away for a while. I wonder if other people have specific scenes in their mind at the word?

Apparently someone that Sandman knew in university was "falsely accused" of rape and lost all of his friends. Why? The girl sobered up and had regrets about sleeping with him. No one would even talk to him. The women all hated him... even though he did nothing. I facepalm so hard- if this is true. I listened to this a second time proofing this.

Sandman is a hard narcissist though, and admits that this guy friend was a full of himself jerk, too. The girl "dropped charges", he said. He didn't say that she recanted. Maybe his friend really was a rapist? I mean it's not like it's something that a Canadian man is going to brag about to his friends when he's a pariah. They're not big on crime.

But because alcohol was involved I am inclined to think that the girl was like, "omg I cannot believe I slept with that douchebag... I didn't want it, he coerced me into it.. I was tipsy, I was trying to wriggle away from him, ya know? ... asking him to slow down... stop?" I could totally see that having had happen... but equally because of the way cops react to rape I could see having happened that she was brutally assaulted and the cop made her describe every last detail, and then she was told that she would have to repeat her story in front of a judge, two lawyers, the accused, and several other law officials and she dropped charges because she was a sobbing wreck after just reporting it to a single cop.

[article proposal of Roosh- after bad PR he claimed it was "satire" but it was heavily edited and obviously was not ment to be satire, as there was no original mention of his sister.] I actually shamed a guy who supported the idea of Roosh V's idea [video] of legalizing rape on private property, of removing his video supporting it... by describing the rape that is most vivid in my mind. I'll mix my own experience with a drunk sorority girl. I didn't mean to shame him to take it down, but I wanted to make him think.

So TRIGGER WARNING:

I could also see Sandman's buddy having done the following...:
She was kissing a guy who she thought that she knew, someone that for sure she cared about and trusted, and he was holding her so close. Words sweetly whispered in hair as hands caressed sides and legs enter-tangled and lips graced the sides of a neck. Suddenly, or perhaps just sudden for a moment, there is a tug upwards at a shirt and a smug relent as she let it come off with a smirk upon her face so she could allow him to give her attention. Everything so far she was enjoying with a haze of alcohol. His shirt was then demanded off, only to be fair.. perhaps his pants, too? No, no, she says, he can keep them on, but he discards them anyway, for comfort he reassures. Then he is wanting to tug her pants down, too, wishing to give her nethers attention as her hands are already roaming below his waist... He suggests that he might perform oral on her, and she blushes, and as he slowly drags the pants off her ankles he comes back to her face and kisses her. His hands are down there, they have not been down there yet [tonight], she is flushed...

Then she realizes that there is something wrong. Her face becomes stern, the tipsiness fades, she is sober, and she firmly says, "No, don't!" He smiles, sadistically, already knowing that it's too late and her hands are on his shoulders, legs trying to knee him, but suddenly he's inside her, ripping her insides apart. She screams out from pain. "Noo!!" The wind is knocked out of her for a moment, the sheer force and pain is stunning. After he gets to pace does she finally come back to.

Tears in her eyes she looks at her friend, "Please... stop! Stop!" he looks her in the eye, before looking away, it is chilling. Her hands can't push his body off. Her legs cannot get leverage in the awkward position that they are caught in. She can only cry out in pain and wait undignified until he is gratified with pleasure and finished before she can limp away home...

FIN

With me there was no alcohol, only innocence and naivety and someone who was already threatening my life. He could get into my apartment any time that he wanted to... the lock didn't work, and he knew exactly how to jimmy it. He regularly harmed me, and eventually I just came to realize that if you fight less, you get hurt less. I was a minor at the time and neither my parents or police would help me, not even people at my school would.

(Okay, um, Sandman's friend would probably NO WAY be a sadistic psycho like my ex to be fair lol. I mean how the fuck do you meet the eye of your victim and be like, yeah... suffer.... and continue?! I mean, there is a reason he's been in and out of jail for doing this to other women. I have a restraining order ready to go in case he locates me again!)

False rape accusations affect men, but then, it affects women, too. I was 17 dating a violent young man with a thirst for violence. Once he wasn't just happy enough with beating me, he finally decided it was time to turn me into an object for his sexual satisfaction. I fought tooth and nail, but to no avail, I couldn't win, and then I was thrown out into the street, barely able to walk, bleeding hard, limping home. If I had KNOWN police would have listened to me, protected me, I would have gladly had gone to them, but one thing I learned a long time ago- they do not help you. (<-story of a woman who actually got fined for filing false charges, but later her rapist was found and convicted, he had her ID.)

Unless perhaps you have some money to bribe a police officer with, you should stay clear of those particular men, the women in uniform seem alright though- but it could be because I am female. It sickens me that I've been ... coerced to turn to cops a few times in my life... They weaseled their way in, found out there was an assault upon me, insisted upon gathering information after I asked them to leave me be, and at the end of it? They upset me by asking me a bunch of questions for no reason and refusing to help, although acknowledging, yes, I was illegally assaulted.

I have been raped by a few men, I have never on-the-record told a police officer about any of it. Why? Because they will just ask more questions about it, dredge up the memories, make you relive every second of the first and last time it happened with the male you mentioned, and then shrug their shoulders. It is a viscous cycle between police becoming so jaded they don't believe real victims so real victims never reporting crimes, and fake rapes being reported more than real ones because the real ones are silent because we're rightfully scared.

One last thing digs at me... A woman's lifetime is a long time. So a chance of being raped, is it what, per life, per 25 years, per decade, per year? I was drugged and raped when I was twelve by a neighbor, at least once. (The drugging part makes it hazy, and repression.. large chunks of childhood are gone.) That is the furthest and clear-headed thing I can recall. But I was also molested by a female and male repeatedly between 6 and 11. So is this a stat of one kid abused or a kid three time abused? Or was at age twelve you count that a young woman raped? Does it discount when my first boyfriend did it later after I was done developing?

Okay... so I Google'd it... it says 1/5 women in their lifetime will be a victim of rape, or attempted. Now I have to call bullshit on this. I only know have had two female friends who weren't raped. Where are they getting their statistics? Maybe I just meet a lot of fellow messed up people.

"there is an average of 293,066 victims (age 12 or older) of rape and sexual assault each year." So do they not count the men or women who have been raped before in their lives? lol... I'm one of the square pegs in a round hole.

So the real rape culture is left for women with third world cultures and countries... human trafficking... Male prison culture is heavy with rape culture and it is probably the most ingrained within normal American society. After all, like I pointed out, RAINN will only help certain male sexual victims... if that's not a rape culture in the U.S., what is?

That's not "really" rape...

After months of isolation... finally I can reemerge online. My back pain has ruled my social life, making going out nearly impossible. In the interim time I've learned a lot as a person and I've also seen a lot from humanity that has made me cringe and wished to belong to another species.

 Well, most recently was something that happened today, with my roommate, Abdul. We had a discussion about how characters, good and bad, can be relateable. I agree that even a terrible murderer who is the worst villain in some show, yes they can have a part of a back story that is relateable, it is meant to be written that way... But, we diverged on whether or not horrible people in movies and TV can be good people.

According to Abdul, the scum that walks the earth and murders and rapes with no reason, they can be "good people", as long as you can relate to them. My opinion is that if you wantonly commit horrendous crimes, you are NOT a good person, despite if I empathize that you were sexually abused as a child, like I was. (Do you see me killing people? No.)

To offer examples I am going to have to give some spoilers of Breaking Bad, and then Walking Dead. End spoilers will be written when done.

SPOILERS

 A character who is a main character in Breaking Bad falls into crime because he is trying to get money for his family, while he still is able to... In the process he eventually becomes a cold killer, who doesn't even blink at death any longer-even almost killing a kid-, and he becomes selfish and self-involved in what he is doing. He reaches a point that he no longer needs money, and he is merely involved in crime, violence, and harming others, even his family, merely because he enjoys it.

I say that he has become a bad person. My roommate says that he is still a good person because once he was good. The character is extremely like my father, though. My father was a wonderful parent and person before my mother died, but after she died he changed. He became cold hearted and distant, he became so self-involved with his new life, he forgot his family and children... Himself and his happiness and his new love's happiness was all that he focused on. I no longer think of my father as a good person, because he isn't. That good person died in both the TV character mentioned above, and my father. I can sympathize with them both though.

The lead ring-leader bad guy in Breaking Bad was another person professed as being "good" by my friend, Abdul. This was a person who would use children to help sell drugs, order the death of said children, and would purposely try to manipulate things to set up massacres. Abdul countered that the people dying were involved with the drug selling even minimally... but who cares? Killing people is ...killing people. So killing a little boy who is selling drugs makes it okay because he was selling drugs? He also enjoyed to psychologically and emotionally torture this old man who had killed someone he had deeply cared for many years ago. Eye for eye, doesn't mean justice, man... (Ragtime quote)

So Abdul says that the ring-leader is a "good" person, once again because you can relate to traits and life events here and there. How does relate-ability turn into morality? It seems to be a more common way of thinking in my generation and age group. I become disgusted by acts of characters, but still recognize that sure, they had a hard past, but they'll get defended tooth and nail. I'm even an actor and a writer, so I know how to get into the head of messed up characters, I've had to do it for performances and for writing. This character as a young man, he seemed to be good, but obviously became obsessed to get revenge one day... and he felt that he eventually got it.

Walking Dead's second leading man Shane (have to be a little less vague here) who is best friend to Rick-the leader of the group- in both comic and show- he is a horrible person... but you can really relate. The wife of the leader, you can relate to, too, and she carries a burden of sin, too.

Shane lies about his best friend being dead to his friend's wife, Lori... then begins sleeping with her, taking emotional advantage. Then later when she's pregnant, and it's obviously his, he is upset that he can't be with her. He grows jealous of his best friend becoming a more responsible leader of the small survival group that they are in, when the power was not thrusted away, Shane did not know what he was doing. He us envious of losing his love, his leadership, and begins to act out. Finally his best friend's little boy isn't even allowed to be alone with him because he is acting so chaotically, the little boy he was a father to until his best friend returned.

The comic and the show diverge on how he dies, but I like how he dies in the comic more. He eventually raises a gun to Rick's back, his best friend! and takes aim. He knows that if he kills him, he can get his family back, his leadership back, his power back, and he'll get his baby when she's born... but then he is shot from behind by the little boy who is the son of Lori... and the boy is devastated that he had to shoot a real person, and not a zombie, to save his dad... he had to shoot his uncle.

I think that Shane was a terrible person to lie to Lori way before he ever even raised a gun to his unarmed best friend's back. But, Abdul? Yeah, good person... because there is character depth. How is there morality in trying to destroy the life of someone who used to be your best friend.. when the world is falling apart. They've managed to remain a happy family, and he's trying to destroy it... that is just horrible.

END SPOILERS

So does that mean everyone who commits infidelity, or contribute to it, is a bad person? No, it doesn't. People can make mistakes, especially if under stressful conditions. Getting into the grey area of such extreme jealousy that you begin to plot killing another, assuming another person's life, and kidnapping another's child; this is where problems begin.

There was another point that came up and it made me snap like a taut piece of fiber, strung snugly and stretched well beyond where it should be stretched... In one of the examples of terrible people actually being good people I had provided an example of bad behavior that was rather bothersome to me: forceful sex. 

My roommate said "Well it didn't count as rape at first!"

I was floored, "'No, stop it!'" I mimicked the character, forcefully but calmly repeated the scene, "Doesn't count?!"

"Well, no, not really." he replied. "I mean it has to be more than that!"

"So when she went like... 'No, stop it!.. Hold on! No, no...'" I was still not reaching the point where the character has lashed out physically, "Did that count as unwanted sex yet? I mean she was saying no and stop, that's rape, right?"

"No that's not really rape, that was just rough sex," Abdul replied coolly.

So it wasn't until she screamed "Stop it!" that it would have been rape to him. Being a rape victim, I am aware that if you fight too much being raped can be more painful because a guy may try beat the shit out of you, or forcefully have sex with you. If you were in a robe and fought too much, you might need stitches from the damage that could be done. Submission after some physical and verbal fighting isn't agreement.... 

But to Abdul, apparently it is. Consent is assumed, even if a girl fights and repeatedly says no, and asks for it to stop. How many more men think like this? Has Abdul raped girls? He thinks that rape is okay, obviously...




edit: Sharia law in the UK, supports rape.
Abdul grew up as a Muslim, but he is no longer one... but I wonder, maybe this is why he thinks rape is ok.

"...Take also al-Darsh’s successor as president of the ISC, the aforementioned Maulana Abu Sayeed, who remains one of the organisation’s three trustees to this day. A cleric who sits in judgment over the marital disputes heard in its courtrooms, he made headlines in 2010 by telling an influential blog that men who rape their wives should not be prosecuted, because ‘sex is part of marriage’.

‘Clearly there cannot be any rape within the marriage. Maybe aggression, maybe indecent activity,’ he said.

Abu Sayeed added that women who say they have been raped should not immediately go to the police. Many of them are lying, he claimed, ‘because they have got this idea of so-called equality, equal rights’.

Asked about those outwardly misogynistic comments, the ISC said: ‘Maulana Abu Sayeed is a deeply respected scholar. He was quoting traditional Islamic discussion regarding rape within marriage.’ "

Faking and Censoring

Being candid is not something I quite do on this blog, mostly because it has gotten me in trouble in the past. How? People I knew read it, told other people to read it, who told others, and then realized who I was writing about, but as I see it, this is my personal space to let go, and let out my feelings.

I rent a room with a family currently, for about a year now. What really crawls under my skin is that I have severe back issues in the form of five disc herniations. I began writing this after the internet had been down for about 14-15 hours, and the mother told me to wait for the father to come home... Why? Because I will hurt my back... Yet they gladly want me to ignore doctor's orders about lifting over 5 lbs to take like kitchen trash out. So when I don't take that out, they get upset at me. I would gladly remove it, if I could. Their five year old can literally lift more weight than I can, which makes me feel like an idiot.

So just to be clear, and because I actually have had physical therapy exercises where I kneel down, I asked my therapist about kneeling down to reset the damn router for the internet. She told me that it was not harmful what so ever. She pretty much told me, if it doesn't hurt, go for it.

The mother is just a huge %*#& for no good reason a lot of the time, and I am left completely clueless. She reminds me of my step-mother. Her youngest daughter tries to show me affection, it pisses her off. I go to cook food and eat it in the kitchen, it pisses her off. So next time I eat my food in my room, that pisses her off. I bathe, that pisses her off. My back hurts, that pisses her off.

So the middle daughter, like mother like daughter, she has moods where she has hated my guts and then tolerated me. I am unsure how much this is being monitored. For a while I knew that the severely creepy brother of the father, who was old enough to be my dad, was cyber-stalking me... He was also peeking in my window, too. But the middle daughter, she got into some trouble and had her door removed.

My father threatened me many times about removing my door when I live with him, but he never actually did it... so I was offended when, let's say, on Dannie's behalf, her step-dad actually went thru with it! But as her boyfriend would wait for her to and would or would not be in the house, he began to become a friend of sorts, which lead to  some disclosure. Many of her friends have lightly befriended me, and I have heard wild stories spun by Dannie about me, supposedly from my mouth. It really digs at me, especially because it is public and online, that there are outlandish stories being told by Dannie about me lying and faking things.

While doing poorly in high school, and goofing around since then, apparently Dannie got a degree in neurology, psychiatry, and psychology, at least, to be able to make the claims that she says about me. 

"Mandi fakes seizures, real seizures people foam at the mouth. I know cause I've seen it in movies and stuff." So Dannie has said. Well my main neurologist, and a second one I saw while hospitalized disagree. When I first described my seizures Dr. Abbi finished what I was describing, for me... I was stunned, she got me! She understood!! Apparently mine are uncommon, but still common enough. I have epileptic and non-epileptic seizures. They are super painful to go through so they are no fun at all... I also feel super embarrassed afterwards....... so I don't like having them. With my current medicine regimen I think I have solved it!

"Mandi tries to steal my boyfriends." Well... I have heard this one before. Dannie makes her men and friends wait up to 3 or more hours to finish getting ready to leave to where they are going... meanwhile as a member of the household, I feel obligated to politely speak to them until Dannie takes them, cause I usually have answered the door, and she doesn't say a word to them....... So because I am kind, friendly, and don't make people wait for hours to pick me up, I am more of a people person.

"Mandi tries to seduce my male friends." Um... all of directly above, and apparently when I first moved in there was an incident that I got out of the shower and didn't know there were people over and I was in a towel and opened the bathroom door to a buncha people.... which I was so humiliated from. I have large breasts, shirts often look sexy on me without me trying... I don't need to seduce.

But there is more... I'd heard this in the past and was hearing it again, but a lot more. Making me out as a villain makes her look like a victim which makes her more attractive because a guy would want to protect her. If it comes up, I don't really deny being survivor of sexual abuse and rape. I don't see myself as a victim, it happened, I have gotten past that, but my willingness in dating and life started rather late because I was victimized and abused... for real, unlike some people. But because Dannie says such wild things about me, when people meet me they are like surprised I am not a crazy person. 

Then one day Dannie's boyfriend talked to me because he was upset, so I humored him. We talked and I offered him resources I had received from a social worker, cause we are both kinda poor, lol. But later I found out, when he said, that he had to lie about talking to me and I immediately was like, "Yeah if you have to lie to Dannie about talking to me about getting resource help, I shouldn't be here, and you both need to work on your trust issues." Because he had said things to me that granted reasons for him to be untrustworthy. To be honest, he is a kind guy, but she is nice, too, and pretty, and sweet... And the way he treats her sometimes, I think she could do better. I get annoyed with Dannie, but it is almost like we're fighting siblings at this point in time.... except she is way kinder than my real sister.

So after I told off her bf that I wouldn't talk to him again, even about additional resources again, unless he got an OK from Dannie, he backed off. Ugh, she asked him why he'd been texting me as a set-up for him to fall into, and he did... she caught him. The idea that I would like him makes me cringe. He pretends to be nerdier than he is. Dannie and I know WAY more about comics than he does. He thought Rocket Raccoon was created JUST for Guardians of the Galaxy!! Seriously !!!! Also he is not intelligent enough... I made that mistake once before, and I realize I need a more intelligent guy. But to top it off, when I was offering resources he was totally not that interested in a roof over his head... he wanted me to do ALL the work, which pissed me the #*%& off.

So yesterday I had a rescheduled appointment with my back surgeon's office. It was supposed to be last week, but... ah well. Turns out... turns out... my blood pressure is very low, and a surprising amount of adults steal their crayons.

They used to have a body chart where you would draw a pattern to match how you felt where, now they use crayons, which people now break or steal, which I find highly amusing, but I have to admit, it is much easier than the old method because the pains overlap. By the time we finally got to the damned office... (we were parked across the street and I was pushed in my wheelchair over... I was in SO much pain omfg!!!!)

Without realizing it, I've been overdosing, ever-so-slightly, on my blood pressure medication... meaning that when I was not in pain, or in mild pain, I've been weak and light headed and I didn't know the reason... but now I do. Another thing that people think I fake. My weakness and diziness... but sometimes it is so bad I've fallen over, but I don't have a way to check my blood pressure at home, so I don't realize right away if it's been lower than normal, like it has been lately.

Sometimes in waiting rooms, especially at the E.R. my best friend has told me to, "tone it down" oh and in public... like cry not to loud, stop rubbing my leg so much, stop pulling my hair so hard, stop clawing my arms or face so hard........ but the pain is so bad tone is something I really don't give a shit about. I don't care if a nurse thinks I am faking if pulling my hair distracts me from thinking my leg could just necrotize and fall off any moment. ((Become dead tissue like what frostbite does, from the inside out and fall off.))

Why do I have to change MY behavior because there are bad fakers out there?! When it feels like there is a vice on your leg or spine and every moment it is getting a little tighter, and any second now, it is going to break bone, split tissue, everything will spill out open to the air.... I cry.... It is @*%&ing hard to make me cry from pain anymore. 

When they gave me a caudal epidural, up through the tail bone, I felt like I was dying for days. But now it has gotten so bad I feel that pain from other things now. I have fell off a swing as a kid, flown twenty feet and landed on my neck and head, I broke my collarbone, completely like -_ break yeah ouch, that was nothing, but my pain that is constant is like that collarbone pain... I can't believe I thought that was bad, lol.

So because of how I look, my medical history, and how I behave, it determines how I am treated. I look too put together, I am too young to have such back injuries, and I know too much about pharmacology and medicine. Basically my brains, looks, and injury #*$% me over. I also handle my pain well, and because my dose of blood pressure medication is high, is disguises my pain, too. Then, because so many kids, and adults, abuse pain meds today, I look suspicious just begging for a way to be able to go home and hobble from my bed to kitchen and back. Often a Toradol shot makes me happy! (it is an NSAID, so it is super similar to Advil/ibuprofen, naproxen, etc.)

Someone will come in and see my list of medication and say, "Wow, you're on some powerful medications..." or they will ask what I am taking and once I tell them, and also I explain I haven't taken anything yet today, or like I took a single one in the last 24 hours, they say, "Well that is some strong stuff, and you're still in pain?" Despite if I claim I took one like 2 hours ago, or if I said I didn't take one, they will assume I took like 5. Even if I tell them I took a pill 3 days ago and ran out due to being unable to see my doctor....

"That stuff if usually given to people with cancer," The doctor stares at me, trying to intimidate me. Every time.....
"I am aware... I have a nast allergy to morphine, should be in my chart, which is why I am on the lowest dose of hydromorphone. Oxycodone doesn't help me much, it just makes me high, which I don't like," I explain, EVERY TIME... And the doctor always looks at skeptically. One of these days I should just let them inject morphine into me and swell up and scream in agony till my throat swells and be like, 'See? Morphine SULFATE allergy... lol."

"How much do you take in a day?" the doctor or nurse will ask me.
"I can take like up to 2 at the most, maybe 2 and 1/2, but usually I take none. I go days without it." I explain. I know what the doctor is going to hear. They have selective hearing.
"Okay, so 2.5 a day." The doctor replies and I wanna punch them in their balls.
"That's not what I said," I hiss annoyed, but I have been labeled a junkie now, nothing I say matters.

The last time that I was hospitalized I kept crying because I was in so much pain... According to the staff they were "Giving the medicine you take at home" which meant they were offering oral norco, and no hydromorphone/Dilaudid... A lot of norco leads to getting high and no real pain relief if I'm hurting super bad. So they just kept overdosing past what I was supposed to take in a day. I would even not ask for it, and it would be in with other pills, and I wouldn't spot it and realize after the fact I had taken it.

Finally they shoved it in my face and kept telling me to take it, and so to prevent myself being strapped down, I just took the damned pills... So I learned I had to cry quietly or else. When I was discharged I was treated like a major junkie though. Yeah, the staff forced me to take way more narcotics than I wanted, and then calls me a junkie. I was content to just cry in pain and try a heat pack, but the nurses weren't. Dr. Herman, my back surgeon, had said something about fixing my pain the night before I left, so I wanted to ask into it before I left and one of the nurses was super pissed that I was staying behind. Finally she said to me, "Do you not have all you pills at home?" no... I have pills...
"Do you need pain pills then?!" NO, I don't need pain meds I----
"Okay what pain pills do you want?" O : I was speechless at this point. "No I just wanted to know if Dr. Herman had scheduled an appointment or left a note, that's all!!!" She was offering essentially a blank rx..... which is highly illegal.

When I was brought into the hospital it was because I couldn't care for myself. I was struggling to walk with a walker, let alone prepare food, incontinence, severe pain, and weakness and so much more. Much of that is degrading and humiliating, who would fake that for something so low as a norco high, when you can score that on the street easily? Mostly the incontinence... Depends are expensive, same with protective bedding pads and rash creams. I also have issues with public restrooms when it come to urinating ugh....

As for the seizures, it isn't just my roommate Dannie who thinks I fake, ignorant medical personnel sometimes don't know better. I legally am not supposed to be driving until I can prove I have them controlled. They are super painful and embarrassing as hell. Who would want to fake that, for those costs?!

But I haven't even had an aura (the sensation you have before a seizure, for some people) for a while, but the pain is wearing me down. I went to that appointment yesterday and it got me a recommendation, but pain management doctors were the ones who have made me feel worse in the past. The irony of their name is not lost on me.

So because I am stuck at home so much, doing exercises that leave me in pain, hurt, and hopefully stronger, I blog. I had to block this guy Carlos from my blog because he's become so obsessive over me, and he's intruded upon my life so much, I've tried to avoid blogging about him at all, for fear of him finding out and freaking out and stalking me/obsessing over me more.

I blocked Carlos's Google+ from my blogger, so that means that he must have gone and either signed out to view my profile, made a new account, or done something. He is extremely un-savvy with computers (he doesn't even have one). A few weeks back I went to EQLA which was a convention for My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic and it was supposed to be awesome, instead it was terrible, and I have had to keep it to myself until now.

Carlos.

Apparently Allen my bestie warned him about me and hotels and how it could be a huge PTSD trigger, and I didn't know that Carlos was warned. If anything it seemed like maybe someone gave him a pep-talk of yes, bother and ignore the girl's pleas to stop until the girl screams. It's like guys who think it's not rape unless the girl puts up a super feverish fight with like a lot of violence, but if you know you are going to lose, it's less painful to just submit and get it over with.

So after he kept wanting hugs, touching my shoulders and arms and hands constantly in an intimate way, like a lover would do, I began freaking out, before we even left for the Con we were going to. I don't mind a guy touching me in a flirty way, but touching me in a way that is perverted and lusty bothers me severely, because it implies sex super heavily. Carlos is an extremely sexually minded person, too, to the point I asked him not to follow me on Twitter because I don't want people to see someone like him following me on Twitter... he follows too much adult entertainment. That is alright and his life, but when he lustily stares at me, and touches me, it is super inappropriate, especially in public and in places where I cannot get away because I am restrained, like a car with a seat belt. It makes me feel dirty and causes a lot of bad PTSD memories to surface.

I will admit I offered to go on a couple dates with him, but that was a very long time ago. I tried to politely explain to him why I didn't want him as my boyfriend, but ever since then, it is as if he has tried to win, purchase, forced, and seduce my affection. A friend of mine cleverly said "girls don't like it when you try really hard," which I object to. A guy trying hard is not an issue, but someone who is not sincere in feelings and remains so, they've lost. I've already dated too many selfish guys who don't have respect for me, my body, my space, and my feelings.

If Carlos reads this I know it will probably crush him, but the messed up thing is, I blocked him from reading this blog, so he had to gone out of his way to read it... At the hotel at the convention he constantly followed me. Every time I leave my house, he actually seems to find out, and it is bordering on stalking behavior, especially because he wants to come along! I was hoping I could remain friends with him, but a disturbing text he sent me a couple days ago shows me that he has grandiose feeling and memories that at one point we were in love, when I've never been in love with him... I've only felt bad for him, as a human.

Allen and I have tried to explain what respect means to Carlos many times, but he never understood... so he cannot understand why I will sever our friendship because he is borderline stalking me. He has become less respectful. He always blames other people or things instead of taking responsibility. 

I really wanted to remain friends, so as I write this I am crying, cause I feel like a terrible person... but I've already had two boyfriends who had to know where I was every minute of the day... we're just friends and he is doing that- so... I can't keep talking to him it seems.

 

Then I hear a knock on my door and I am given notice to vacate. Going to be homeless again. Of course Carlos and my father will want to "help" in their severely messed up way that offers no aid, and is a huge joke and makes me just angry. Why do people offer "help" that is of no actual help?

Medicine and War

Anxiety...

I feel like I am being crushed from the inside out, somehow. I know it makes no sense, but that is how it feels. My breath is catching in my throat and chest, every single one... My body feels heavy. Seconds drag into what feels like minutes, and my heart is desperately racing...

I've been in the hospital recently, so I have home health care services that have been coming to my home, which has been a huge stress factor to me. Physical therapy and a nurse checking on me, giving me things to do, until I am fit to actively leave my house to seek services. One golden thing that I had been desperately clinging to was that while I had been in the hospital, the doctor who had previously done surgery on my back, and is the head of nuerosurgery approached me while I was there and we had a conversation.

"We'll get this figured out," he told me with a kind smile. It seemed genuine.

"What do you mean... like surgery or treatment?" I asked for clarification. In the past he had been against surgery until I had absolutely needed it.

"Probably with medication or some other therapy right now. I'm consulting with a medicine specialist right now, I'll see you again tomorrow." He explained to me, but the next day I was discharged. When I asked if the doctor had made any appointments for me, or notes, or anything, the nurse was very annoyed and began to tell me that while I had been in the hospital that they gave me "the same pain medications that you receive while you're at home". She thought I was some junkie or something looking for a fix I suppose... But I wanted to find out more about the meeting that never happened.

Eventually it got to the point where she was offering me "what medicine do you want, so you will leave?" Not only was I personally offended, I was shocked at her lack of professional conduct... So I wrote it off that I wouldn't get any help and left... after politely explaining for the 20th time that I had spoken to the doctor and had just wanted to know about the mysterious course of treatment he had mentioned the night before, but like whatever.

A couple days later I got a call from his office, scheduling an appointment though... very soon. Within a couple weeks, when it often can take months to be seen there! So I was surprised, but happy. They didn't see what it was about though, but when they called to cancel it yesterday they saw it was only to check in because I was in the hospital under his care.......................... a completely pointless appointment. Completely pointless meetings with people who just agitate my back pain and make me feel worse emotionally.

I feel like I want to just find a really nice blade and slice my throat and bleed out somewhere, but I know I don't have a sharp enough blade that could cut deeply enough before I would wimp out.... I saw a psychiatrist, and she was an idiot, too. I knew more about medicine than she did. What is becoming of our medical personnel?

She broke down and began arguing with me and calling me names, like.... someone in middle school would do... it was... sad. I have only seen a couple other grown women do that, my step mother, and ghetto women. I would never have guessed I would ever see a PSYCHIATRIST do that... Because she doesn't know prescribing laws... I mean, just because she is ignorant, doesn't mean that it's my fault lol.

Finally to top everything off, last night on the news Russia is stirring things up in Syria... and NOW the redneck Mexican family I live with cares... NOW the news cares... oh but then a few minutes ago there was another shooting in a college, and that is more important news than impending world war. I mean, yes students dying is terrible... but.... world news affects so many more people.