Anxiety...
I feel like I am being crushed from the inside out, somehow. I know it makes no sense, but that is how it feels. My breath is catching in my throat and chest, every single one... My body feels heavy. Seconds drag into what feels like minutes, and my heart is desperately racing...
I've been in the hospital recently, so I have home health care services that have been coming to my home, which has been a huge stress factor to me. Physical therapy and a nurse checking on me, giving me things to do, until I am fit to actively leave my house to seek services. One golden thing that I had been desperately clinging to was that while I had been in the hospital, the doctor who had previously done surgery on my back, and is the head of nuerosurgery approached me while I was there and we had a conversation.
"We'll get this figured out," he told me with a kind smile. It seemed genuine.
"What do you mean... like surgery or treatment?" I asked for clarification. In the past he had been against surgery until I had absolutely needed it.
"Probably with medication or some other therapy right now. I'm consulting with a medicine specialist right now, I'll see you again tomorrow." He explained to me, but the next day I was discharged. When I asked if the doctor had made any appointments for me, or notes, or anything, the nurse was very annoyed and began to tell me that while I had been in the hospital that they gave me "the same pain medications that you receive while you're at home". She thought I was some junkie or something looking for a fix I suppose... But I wanted to find out more about the meeting that never happened.
Eventually it got to the point where she was offering me "what medicine do you want, so you will leave?" Not only was I personally offended, I was shocked at her lack of professional conduct... So I wrote it off that I wouldn't get any help and left... after politely explaining for the 20th time that I had spoken to the doctor and had just wanted to know about the mysterious course of treatment he had mentioned the night before, but like whatever.
A couple days later I got a call from his office, scheduling an appointment though... very soon. Within a couple weeks, when it often can take months to be seen there! So I was surprised, but happy. They didn't see what it was about though, but when they called to cancel it yesterday they saw it was only to check in because I was in the hospital under his care.......................... a completely pointless appointment. Completely pointless meetings with people who just agitate my back pain and make me feel worse emotionally.
I feel like I want to just find a really nice blade and slice my throat and bleed out somewhere, but I know I don't have a sharp enough blade that could cut deeply enough before I would wimp out.... I saw a psychiatrist, and she was an idiot, too. I knew more about medicine than she did. What is becoming of our medical personnel?
She broke down and began arguing with me and calling me names, like.... someone in middle school would do... it was... sad. I have only seen a couple other grown women do that, my step mother, and ghetto women. I would never have guessed I would ever see a PSYCHIATRIST do that... Because she doesn't know prescribing laws... I mean, just because she is ignorant, doesn't mean that it's my fault lol.
Finally to top everything off, last night on the news Russia is stirring things up in Syria... and NOW the redneck Mexican family I live with cares... NOW the news cares... oh but then a few minutes ago there was another shooting in a college, and that is more important news than impending world war. I mean, yes students dying is terrible... but.... world news affects so many more people.
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