Unfair Housing

The following is from September 2016:

So while feminazis are raging about wage-gaps that don't exist and others are complaining about how only black lives matter (which I know a lot of people argue that the movement is about everyone's lives mattering, MANY leaders in the movement have stated that other races do NOT matter---so.. yeah) um, disabled people are still left with the short end of the stick here. The minimum wage in California is going up substantially, but disability is not budging.

An asshole manager man of an apartment was hating on disabled peoples. I wouldn't be surprised if he was sexist and racist, too, though. I ran across him looking for apartments back in September.

I cannot even begin to explain how much of a douche this man was to me. I wanted to ask a single question that was super basic before ANYTHING else. It was a make or break question of any apartment I am looking for. Why? What is it? Well, it is because I am slightly disabled. I wanted to know if the place was on the ground floor, or if an upper floor and had an elevator. [Where I am now is on an upper floor, with an elevator.]

Before I could even say, "Well, I just have a quick question--" I was cut off by this man saying that he was having an open house Friday. I said that I might be able to attend if it was during the right time, but I just had a quick question.... still....

But again, he interrupted me and began to pepper me with questions, and I still didn't find out if I could WALK or crawl or wheel into this place!! OMG!!! He asked about the number of people moving in, which I felt slightly offended, as if I were going to try to secret in a small army. He then stopped me before I could again, TRY, to ask my question. Well- what is my credit score.

I don't know my credit score. I'm in my 20s and I've never had a credit card. I've had no need for one. My friend has one and he pays it off every month. I've had medical bills, but I've never had any other issues. I mean... wtf. Then he was like, how much do you make a month? I mean... I am not applying for this place over the phone, I was just trying to get information...

I told him the truth, I told him that I was not sure, but we had plenty for the rent and bills, and we were expecting the deposit to be well over $3000, which we have ready. I am disabled, so I personally am on permanent steady income. Instead he began to take on an even crueler tone and say that I had nothing prepared and they only wanted "seeeeeerious" people to come to the open house. As a reminder I still wasn't sure if I even wanted to go to this place cause was it ground floor or upper with an elevator?!

Rolling my eyes and shaking my head I told him that in L.A. it was a little silly to expect someone to have income three times the rent the so they can "afford" to pay rent. Then he replied that he didn't want "lookey loos" there on Friday. I face palmed and, angry at him, said, "Well, your apartment wasn't a very nice looking one anyway. Thanks, sir. Sorry for wasting your time." He wished me a nice day, though he didn't mean it (I could tell he was being sarcastic lol), and hung up.

The funny part is that he probably believed that I thought that that place was awesome looking and I only claimed that I didn't like it. I must've said it wasn't nice because I wouldn't be able to have it, of course... Sadly it was the-very-last-apartment-that-I-tried-to-call-today. Yes, it looked and read so terribly that I wasn't sure if I should have called for additional details, and now I wish I hadn't.

818 572 7009-- If only I had a name. If anyone wants to find cheap apartments in L.A. and don't mind dealing with dicks.

I won't go into details of what other things he said to me. I brought up that I was disabled and he was discriminating my income level despite it being illegal and he told me to take him to court... so I am looking up the particular parts of the law that I CAN take him to civil court. He was quite specific that it was because I couldn't ever work again that he did not want me as a tenant... I mean, if THAT is not discrimination, what is? I mean, towards the end he was saying that I wasn't going to find any place to rent due to my condition...
[[[To be honest, I forgot about this guy and what he said to me... but now I remember. But it would have been a she-said he-said, and I had no actual proof unfortunately...]]]

I haven't blogged in quite a while. Life has just gotten odd. A weird mix of rights and wrongs. When I was younger I thought by this age my life was going to be a lot different. As a child I would have guessed that I was going to be a singer, or a scientist. As a pre-teen, I thought for sure, I was going to be a biologist or geologist. As a teenager I thought for SURE I would be a biologist or an actress, and my theatre teacher thought so, too.

Coming out to Hollywood though, the closest I got to was a controlling and emotionally abusive boyfriend. He threatened me physically without touching me, but damaging things nearby. He would smash a windshield or a wall when angry, almost as a threat as to what he would do to me. I hoped some day that I could escape and sit on a sunny balcony and just happily write or do artwork, and sit happily drinking some tea.

That sunny balcony I guess is very easy to achieve... but I'm still seeking it out.

Many people are needy, high maintenance, and hard to please. I recognize that I can be needy at times, but I am usually easy to please. Feed me and don't cage me and I will be happy. Unfortunately, my physical impairment, which has caused my inability to walk more than about fifty feet or less, is a cage to me... I just need to move to a place where it isn't.

Every place I look at that is friendly to disabled people I cannot afford. Why is this? This is not fair housing! 

I would be over-joyed with a place where I can move about freely and leave my home easily... and feel overwhelmed with happiness if I could leave it and move about the complex to a courtyard- and if it had a pool---that is freedom from my wheelchair. As I write this I can't stop my eyes from tearing up a little. I used to live near a YMCA, and I would swim for hours. In a pool I can hide that I have anything wrong at all; for a time I feel normal.

I've always looked back fondly at my move from Chicago to L.A. and realized that I do in fact miss several things and people... Even when it was only months that I had been gone.

Something that I thought that I would never have missed was the toxic effect that I seemed to have on males, so imagine my grief when I discovered that I still had the same issues here. Even today as I'm not seventeen and a size 2 any longer, I seem to burn the less fair half of the populous. I'm aware that a lot of the problem does lie with me- I am too nice, I cannot for the life of me tell people off if they have shown me kindness. And uh... well... No I guess, that is the biggest part.

Being female and liking video games, card games, comics, anime, board games, and other nerdy pursuits has put me into a small pool of desired females that my kindness is mistaken for 'OMG SHE LIKES ME!' And it is more, I am just a nice person. 

As I write this another one has finally bit the dust, and I am kind of ashamed to say it is to my relief. I've been feeling extremely uncomfortable by his behavior and comments to me, which has been wildly innapropriate, unsocialized nerd or not. What broke the camel's back? He felt too ashamed to hang out with me after I said that I "didn't miss him" because we've only hung out a handful of times in real life, and we text very often, and his constant barrages of saying that he misses me makes me slightly uncomfortable... True I was slightly dishonest, it makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable, but he played it off claiming that every time he said that he missed me, it was a joke and now he feels that he cannot hang out with me now. So the dozens of times over the last two months that he has said that he missed me and wanted to do creepy things to me were jokes that I took wrong? Uh, sure... At least he's not gonna bother me, and if he does I can be like "lol, you wanna do what? Haha like I'm a cat!"

xxxxxxxxxx

December 3rd

So I moved and I have to admit, I am glad that a few people don't know where I live now. They were normal seeming at first, but I am happy they cannot look me up now. Mostly the person I mentioned above is of concern.

I have someone who was once a friend, and now I suppose is still a friend, but less. She now goes by a borrowed name, but I have to say that part of the name is borrowed from me and it upsets me. Blackwell is a real actual name I have, and she took part of my name, Black- for her name. I suppose it might have been meant to flatter or show that she was looking up to me, but I feel it hollows out my foundation as a person.

Where I live now there is a pool that I have used any day that it has been warm enough to venture in, which surprisingly there were many in September and October. In the pool I feel freedom because I can move nearly unlimitedly. It is amazing and wonderful. Also here I finally have a bathtub again. The last place I lived I had no tub, only a shower, so having a tub is wonderful. The tub is also quite old with no working that drains water once it gets too full, so I can fill it up really high without it draining. It helps my pain in my back and legs so much.

I can also use the kitchen easier. It is less of a walk, I don't have to walk over a mattress, and I can also litter objects I am using about the counters, heh heh. The oven is electric, which I have to get used to. At least once I turned the range on in the back when I meant to turn it on in the front and wondered why the pot wasn't getting hot and it took a while for me to notice. Allen, who I moved in with, also likes my cooking, which makes me happy. It encourages me to actually make food and eat more, which I chronically under-eat.

Video games in the living room on a large TV is awesome! I also got a 4 foot Christmas tree which is adorable and set it up. Darth Vader nutcracker, and a My Little Pony Cadance stocking I made. The couches we have are comfortable, though kinda ugly.

Finally we have a little balcony with no sun, but it is still nice. It is like my dream has come true. I can always find a nice sunny spot surrounded by plants in a chair by the pool... I have a home.

The price was not something that I can afford though.

Living here, I depend on Allen. All of my disability goes to rent and electricity. It still doesn't cover half. Allen got a raise and he was kind enough to pay a little more... So I wonder, what about those who are disabled and aren't able to pay less than half the rent at a place that is expensive and nice?

Even being here, where the kitchen is closer, everything is smaller, I am still suffering. Last night I couldn't leave the couch. The pain was so terrible. The nerve pain in back has been savage and raw. Getting water, food, going to the bathroom, it was all agony the last two days. Today, too, it is painful.

Always it seemed like my right leg was the culprit, but my left leg began giving me issues a couple months back. Three days ago I merely walked to the couch with a plate of food and as I stepped pain stabbed upwards in my right leg and since then mere walking has been agony for me. Pills don't help, so I don't take them. Lotions don't help, so I've given them up, patches don't work for me... oils I've stopped buying years ago. Only thing that even remotely has helped was Rx lidocaine, and that only barely... that any my baths with epsom salts.

There just seems irony that epsom salts which are something so primitive seeming would be so helpful.

Faking and Censoring

Being candid is not something I quite do on this blog, mostly because it has gotten me in trouble in the past. How? People I knew read it, told other people to read it, who told others, and then realized who I was writing about, but as I see it, this is my personal space to let go, and let out my feelings.

I rent a room with a family currently, for about a year now. What really crawls under my skin is that I have severe back issues in the form of five disc herniations. I began writing this after the internet had been down for about 14-15 hours, and the mother told me to wait for the father to come home... Why? Because I will hurt my back... Yet they gladly want me to ignore doctor's orders about lifting over 5 lbs to take like kitchen trash out. So when I don't take that out, they get upset at me. I would gladly remove it, if I could. Their five year old can literally lift more weight than I can, which makes me feel like an idiot.

So just to be clear, and because I actually have had physical therapy exercises where I kneel down, I asked my therapist about kneeling down to reset the damn router for the internet. She told me that it was not harmful what so ever. She pretty much told me, if it doesn't hurt, go for it.

The mother is just a huge %*#& for no good reason a lot of the time, and I am left completely clueless. She reminds me of my step-mother. Her youngest daughter tries to show me affection, it pisses her off. I go to cook food and eat it in the kitchen, it pisses her off. So next time I eat my food in my room, that pisses her off. I bathe, that pisses her off. My back hurts, that pisses her off.

So the middle daughter, like mother like daughter, she has moods where she has hated my guts and then tolerated me. I am unsure how much this is being monitored. For a while I knew that the severely creepy brother of the father, who was old enough to be my dad, was cyber-stalking me... He was also peeking in my window, too. But the middle daughter, she got into some trouble and had her door removed.

My father threatened me many times about removing my door when I live with him, but he never actually did it... so I was offended when, let's say, on Dannie's behalf, her step-dad actually went thru with it! But as her boyfriend would wait for her to and would or would not be in the house, he began to become a friend of sorts, which lead to  some disclosure. Many of her friends have lightly befriended me, and I have heard wild stories spun by Dannie about me, supposedly from my mouth. It really digs at me, especially because it is public and online, that there are outlandish stories being told by Dannie about me lying and faking things.

While doing poorly in high school, and goofing around since then, apparently Dannie got a degree in neurology, psychiatry, and psychology, at least, to be able to make the claims that she says about me. 

"Mandi fakes seizures, real seizures people foam at the mouth. I know cause I've seen it in movies and stuff." So Dannie has said. Well my main neurologist, and a second one I saw while hospitalized disagree. When I first described my seizures Dr. Abbi finished what I was describing, for me... I was stunned, she got me! She understood!! Apparently mine are uncommon, but still common enough. I have epileptic and non-epileptic seizures. They are super painful to go through so they are no fun at all... I also feel super embarrassed afterwards....... so I don't like having them. With my current medicine regimen I think I have solved it!

"Mandi tries to steal my boyfriends." Well... I have heard this one before. Dannie makes her men and friends wait up to 3 or more hours to finish getting ready to leave to where they are going... meanwhile as a member of the household, I feel obligated to politely speak to them until Dannie takes them, cause I usually have answered the door, and she doesn't say a word to them....... So because I am kind, friendly, and don't make people wait for hours to pick me up, I am more of a people person.

"Mandi tries to seduce my male friends." Um... all of directly above, and apparently when I first moved in there was an incident that I got out of the shower and didn't know there were people over and I was in a towel and opened the bathroom door to a buncha people.... which I was so humiliated from. I have large breasts, shirts often look sexy on me without me trying... I don't need to seduce.

But there is more... I'd heard this in the past and was hearing it again, but a lot more. Making me out as a villain makes her look like a victim which makes her more attractive because a guy would want to protect her. If it comes up, I don't really deny being survivor of sexual abuse and rape. I don't see myself as a victim, it happened, I have gotten past that, but my willingness in dating and life started rather late because I was victimized and abused... for real, unlike some people. But because Dannie says such wild things about me, when people meet me they are like surprised I am not a crazy person. 

Then one day Dannie's boyfriend talked to me because he was upset, so I humored him. We talked and I offered him resources I had received from a social worker, cause we are both kinda poor, lol. But later I found out, when he said, that he had to lie about talking to me and I immediately was like, "Yeah if you have to lie to Dannie about talking to me about getting resource help, I shouldn't be here, and you both need to work on your trust issues." Because he had said things to me that granted reasons for him to be untrustworthy. To be honest, he is a kind guy, but she is nice, too, and pretty, and sweet... And the way he treats her sometimes, I think she could do better. I get annoyed with Dannie, but it is almost like we're fighting siblings at this point in time.... except she is way kinder than my real sister.

So after I told off her bf that I wouldn't talk to him again, even about additional resources again, unless he got an OK from Dannie, he backed off. Ugh, she asked him why he'd been texting me as a set-up for him to fall into, and he did... she caught him. The idea that I would like him makes me cringe. He pretends to be nerdier than he is. Dannie and I know WAY more about comics than he does. He thought Rocket Raccoon was created JUST for Guardians of the Galaxy!! Seriously !!!! Also he is not intelligent enough... I made that mistake once before, and I realize I need a more intelligent guy. But to top it off, when I was offering resources he was totally not that interested in a roof over his head... he wanted me to do ALL the work, which pissed me the #*%& off.

So yesterday I had a rescheduled appointment with my back surgeon's office. It was supposed to be last week, but... ah well. Turns out... turns out... my blood pressure is very low, and a surprising amount of adults steal their crayons.

They used to have a body chart where you would draw a pattern to match how you felt where, now they use crayons, which people now break or steal, which I find highly amusing, but I have to admit, it is much easier than the old method because the pains overlap. By the time we finally got to the damned office... (we were parked across the street and I was pushed in my wheelchair over... I was in SO much pain omfg!!!!)

Without realizing it, I've been overdosing, ever-so-slightly, on my blood pressure medication... meaning that when I was not in pain, or in mild pain, I've been weak and light headed and I didn't know the reason... but now I do. Another thing that people think I fake. My weakness and diziness... but sometimes it is so bad I've fallen over, but I don't have a way to check my blood pressure at home, so I don't realize right away if it's been lower than normal, like it has been lately.

Sometimes in waiting rooms, especially at the E.R. my best friend has told me to, "tone it down" oh and in public... like cry not to loud, stop rubbing my leg so much, stop pulling my hair so hard, stop clawing my arms or face so hard........ but the pain is so bad tone is something I really don't give a shit about. I don't care if a nurse thinks I am faking if pulling my hair distracts me from thinking my leg could just necrotize and fall off any moment. ((Become dead tissue like what frostbite does, from the inside out and fall off.))

Why do I have to change MY behavior because there are bad fakers out there?! When it feels like there is a vice on your leg or spine and every moment it is getting a little tighter, and any second now, it is going to break bone, split tissue, everything will spill out open to the air.... I cry.... It is @*%&ing hard to make me cry from pain anymore. 

When they gave me a caudal epidural, up through the tail bone, I felt like I was dying for days. But now it has gotten so bad I feel that pain from other things now. I have fell off a swing as a kid, flown twenty feet and landed on my neck and head, I broke my collarbone, completely like -_ break yeah ouch, that was nothing, but my pain that is constant is like that collarbone pain... I can't believe I thought that was bad, lol.

So because of how I look, my medical history, and how I behave, it determines how I am treated. I look too put together, I am too young to have such back injuries, and I know too much about pharmacology and medicine. Basically my brains, looks, and injury #*$% me over. I also handle my pain well, and because my dose of blood pressure medication is high, is disguises my pain, too. Then, because so many kids, and adults, abuse pain meds today, I look suspicious just begging for a way to be able to go home and hobble from my bed to kitchen and back. Often a Toradol shot makes me happy! (it is an NSAID, so it is super similar to Advil/ibuprofen, naproxen, etc.)

Someone will come in and see my list of medication and say, "Wow, you're on some powerful medications..." or they will ask what I am taking and once I tell them, and also I explain I haven't taken anything yet today, or like I took a single one in the last 24 hours, they say, "Well that is some strong stuff, and you're still in pain?" Despite if I claim I took one like 2 hours ago, or if I said I didn't take one, they will assume I took like 5. Even if I tell them I took a pill 3 days ago and ran out due to being unable to see my doctor....

"That stuff if usually given to people with cancer," The doctor stares at me, trying to intimidate me. Every time.....
"I am aware... I have a nast allergy to morphine, should be in my chart, which is why I am on the lowest dose of hydromorphone. Oxycodone doesn't help me much, it just makes me high, which I don't like," I explain, EVERY TIME... And the doctor always looks at skeptically. One of these days I should just let them inject morphine into me and swell up and scream in agony till my throat swells and be like, 'See? Morphine SULFATE allergy... lol."

"How much do you take in a day?" the doctor or nurse will ask me.
"I can take like up to 2 at the most, maybe 2 and 1/2, but usually I take none. I go days without it." I explain. I know what the doctor is going to hear. They have selective hearing.
"Okay, so 2.5 a day." The doctor replies and I wanna punch them in their balls.
"That's not what I said," I hiss annoyed, but I have been labeled a junkie now, nothing I say matters.

The last time that I was hospitalized I kept crying because I was in so much pain... According to the staff they were "Giving the medicine you take at home" which meant they were offering oral norco, and no hydromorphone/Dilaudid... A lot of norco leads to getting high and no real pain relief if I'm hurting super bad. So they just kept overdosing past what I was supposed to take in a day. I would even not ask for it, and it would be in with other pills, and I wouldn't spot it and realize after the fact I had taken it.

Finally they shoved it in my face and kept telling me to take it, and so to prevent myself being strapped down, I just took the damned pills... So I learned I had to cry quietly or else. When I was discharged I was treated like a major junkie though. Yeah, the staff forced me to take way more narcotics than I wanted, and then calls me a junkie. I was content to just cry in pain and try a heat pack, but the nurses weren't. Dr. Herman, my back surgeon, had said something about fixing my pain the night before I left, so I wanted to ask into it before I left and one of the nurses was super pissed that I was staying behind. Finally she said to me, "Do you not have all you pills at home?" no... I have pills...
"Do you need pain pills then?!" NO, I don't need pain meds I----
"Okay what pain pills do you want?" O : I was speechless at this point. "No I just wanted to know if Dr. Herman had scheduled an appointment or left a note, that's all!!!" She was offering essentially a blank rx..... which is highly illegal.

When I was brought into the hospital it was because I couldn't care for myself. I was struggling to walk with a walker, let alone prepare food, incontinence, severe pain, and weakness and so much more. Much of that is degrading and humiliating, who would fake that for something so low as a norco high, when you can score that on the street easily? Mostly the incontinence... Depends are expensive, same with protective bedding pads and rash creams. I also have issues with public restrooms when it come to urinating ugh....

As for the seizures, it isn't just my roommate Dannie who thinks I fake, ignorant medical personnel sometimes don't know better. I legally am not supposed to be driving until I can prove I have them controlled. They are super painful and embarrassing as hell. Who would want to fake that, for those costs?!

But I haven't even had an aura (the sensation you have before a seizure, for some people) for a while, but the pain is wearing me down. I went to that appointment yesterday and it got me a recommendation, but pain management doctors were the ones who have made me feel worse in the past. The irony of their name is not lost on me.

So because I am stuck at home so much, doing exercises that leave me in pain, hurt, and hopefully stronger, I blog. I had to block this guy Carlos from my blog because he's become so obsessive over me, and he's intruded upon my life so much, I've tried to avoid blogging about him at all, for fear of him finding out and freaking out and stalking me/obsessing over me more.

I blocked Carlos's Google+ from my blogger, so that means that he must have gone and either signed out to view my profile, made a new account, or done something. He is extremely un-savvy with computers (he doesn't even have one). A few weeks back I went to EQLA which was a convention for My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic and it was supposed to be awesome, instead it was terrible, and I have had to keep it to myself until now.

Carlos.

Apparently Allen my bestie warned him about me and hotels and how it could be a huge PTSD trigger, and I didn't know that Carlos was warned. If anything it seemed like maybe someone gave him a pep-talk of yes, bother and ignore the girl's pleas to stop until the girl screams. It's like guys who think it's not rape unless the girl puts up a super feverish fight with like a lot of violence, but if you know you are going to lose, it's less painful to just submit and get it over with.

So after he kept wanting hugs, touching my shoulders and arms and hands constantly in an intimate way, like a lover would do, I began freaking out, before we even left for the Con we were going to. I don't mind a guy touching me in a flirty way, but touching me in a way that is perverted and lusty bothers me severely, because it implies sex super heavily. Carlos is an extremely sexually minded person, too, to the point I asked him not to follow me on Twitter because I don't want people to see someone like him following me on Twitter... he follows too much adult entertainment. That is alright and his life, but when he lustily stares at me, and touches me, it is super inappropriate, especially in public and in places where I cannot get away because I am restrained, like a car with a seat belt. It makes me feel dirty and causes a lot of bad PTSD memories to surface.

I will admit I offered to go on a couple dates with him, but that was a very long time ago. I tried to politely explain to him why I didn't want him as my boyfriend, but ever since then, it is as if he has tried to win, purchase, forced, and seduce my affection. A friend of mine cleverly said "girls don't like it when you try really hard," which I object to. A guy trying hard is not an issue, but someone who is not sincere in feelings and remains so, they've lost. I've already dated too many selfish guys who don't have respect for me, my body, my space, and my feelings.

If Carlos reads this I know it will probably crush him, but the messed up thing is, I blocked him from reading this blog, so he had to gone out of his way to read it... At the hotel at the convention he constantly followed me. Every time I leave my house, he actually seems to find out, and it is bordering on stalking behavior, especially because he wants to come along! I was hoping I could remain friends with him, but a disturbing text he sent me a couple days ago shows me that he has grandiose feeling and memories that at one point we were in love, when I've never been in love with him... I've only felt bad for him, as a human.

Allen and I have tried to explain what respect means to Carlos many times, but he never understood... so he cannot understand why I will sever our friendship because he is borderline stalking me. He has become less respectful. He always blames other people or things instead of taking responsibility. 

I really wanted to remain friends, so as I write this I am crying, cause I feel like a terrible person... but I've already had two boyfriends who had to know where I was every minute of the day... we're just friends and he is doing that- so... I can't keep talking to him it seems.

 

Then I hear a knock on my door and I am given notice to vacate. Going to be homeless again. Of course Carlos and my father will want to "help" in their severely messed up way that offers no aid, and is a huge joke and makes me just angry. Why do people offer "help" that is of no actual help?

Lerner Rowe and FML

6.19

Today was a BIG day for me; a lawyer's office was going to call me and help me re-apply for SSDI or SSI. AGAIN. This office was different. It was motivated to really help me! Unfortunately about thirty minutes ago they called, and about fifteen minutes ago I ended the call intears, because it was completely pointless.

A friend asked me what the name 'Neptune Fallen' was from, or if it meant something, once. It is not from anything in particular, but it does mean something to me. Neptune is also known as Pluto, and was seen as the god of the underworld, or even heaven in ancient times. Also sometimes Neptune was viewed as the god of the waters, seas, and rivers. Neptune fallen is literally a depiction of a fallen god, of the heavens and or the seas. Especially today.

-Cops arrive and interrupt me writing.-

Then forty five minutes after they called the cops leave... Lovely. Where was I? Um, yes, the person at the lawyer's office who is helping me is a fucking idiot... I was beginning to feel better, but now I want to throw something hard against concrete and watch it break...

"Your claim is still active, he wants you to know that," the cop told me. No, not the claim from before, but the claim that I haven't even begun... The claim that is upsetting me. The claim that I haven't even gotten a chance to explain in my blog why it is upsetting me, because cops literally burst into my home and interrupted me! Ugh! I suppose he is a kind guy, and means very well, but his intelligence is something that is really lacking from the little I've dealt with him. Reminding me of the woman from Fry's and the cop Jams dealt with.

So I hear a firm knock at the door, and I assume that it is probably someone of the family I rent from, asking something from me, or notifying me of something... and I open the door to, a buncha cops. The cherry on top is that Maria Sr. the crazy Spanish speaking-only grandma is here, along with the army uncle who is nearly stalkerish in how much he follows people online, including me. Hope he likes this post, he isn't bad looking tbh, and is actually pretty cool and fun to hang out with.

I nearly run outside to the front yard, out of earshot of everyone inside, so we can talk there. Even if I had a giant room that could fit dozens inside, with how thin our walls are, I would choose the same spot. Immediately, but delicately, I am asked how am I doing, and I totally bomb it.

"I'm not doing too well," I blurted out, sitting on the grass, picking at some shoots. "I uh, well my back is hurting, I tweaked it trying to rush out here... But I am feeling better emotionally than I was. I had called a crisis line."

"Alright," the cop replied, I assume happy I admitted that I'd called a suicide help line. I wasn't going to try to pretend that I was totally happy for the last few hours. "Did you tell anyone in the last few hours that you would hurt yourself?"

"Uhhh... yeah on the crisis line, I had pills in my hand, and I was wanting to take them," I answered frankly, glancing nervously up a couple times. "After several minutes I was feeling better and didn't feel like that anymore."

The cop looked almost as if a fish had crawled out of a fish bowl and run away or something. I guess he wasn't used to people just admitting things so plainly. So he asked me more questions like about me hurting myself in the past.

"I used to, a long time ago. You can see scars on my arms, but it's been well over a year since I've actually done it. I might have urges, but I've not actually hurt myself in a long time." I explained.

"Yeah... I can see some of the scars," he glanced at my arms and gestured with a finger at the pale slices intermixed with the slightly darker skin. "When was the last time you did that?"

I scoffed slightly nearly a laugh, "Pff.... I don't even remember it's been so long," I shook my head. "Before I moved here, and I've been here a year."

"Okay," he nodded. I'd been very frank, he seemed to believe me so far, or at least seem to think I was being mostly truthful. My scars obviously are not from days ago, but do look like they could be weeks old I will admit. "Have you ever been to a mental health facility?"

"Like a clinic... or?"

"Like admitted. Have you been to Hillmont?" he asks this. I shudder and the cops notice my reaction. I laugh loudly.

"Yeah, I've been to Hillmont," I answer with a grin, "One of the last times I was there I needed to get my gallbladder out, they were giving me liquid antacid, as soon as I was released I had to rush to Santa Paula for emergency surgery. Hellmont just let it fester inside me. No offense to them, but that wasn't the first time they've injured my physical health. They make me worse than I feel, hehehe." I chuckle and shake my head.

"What about ....?" They mention a place I'd never been.

"Nope, I've never been there... and I was feeling depressed earlier, and I have been feeling down off and on recently. My psychiatrist lowered my dose of one of my meds, I wouldn't be against being admitted to a facility if it weren't Hillmont." I replied.

Again the cops stared at me as if I'd grown a third eyeball or something. I was just being so mellow.

"Heh I bet I could also get a shower, too!" I added with a grin.

"You can't get one here?" the younger male who's been silent asks.

"Uh.... nope," I answer, my voice still friendly, with a smile.

"Why not?" the main officer asks me, his eyes wide.

"I waste water apparently. I'm not supposed to take showers, cause I fall, and I can't take baths cause of our drains, and then I also waste water, but everyone else can bathe...." I explain with a sardonic smile. The officer finally is beginning to get a read on me, that perhaps though I seem mellow that there is more behind it.

"You need to find another place to live." he tells me. "But before that, can I see your cell phone?"

"Sure, no problem... and I've been looking for one."

I go and get my cell phone, while one of the cops watch me, and they are shocked by my messy room. The biggest contention of me living where I do. Before the cops left one of them jokingly laughed to me, "Yeah, and you should probably clean your room," with a kind smile. My landlords claim fire department people and police will fine or issue other things if they see it, but so far cops, paramedics, police chiefs, and more have seen my room in worse states than it currently is messy and are totally chill with it and only have parentaly suggested I should clean it up, with a smile and often a chuckle.

Anyways

The main cop has my cell phone and asks me, "Did you tell anyone that you might kill yourself today?"

"When I was online with the crisis hotline, yeah, I was talking about it. I did send a text insinuating it to my best friend, but other than that no..." I answered and then kind of fell onto my side.

The young man cop immediately reached his hands out towards me in worry, "Are you okay? Do you need a chair?"

"Oh no, I'm fine, well not fine... I hurt, but lying on my left side like this is best. Thank you, though." I reply with a smile. The main cop is looking through my phone and the other cops who are closer to my age are looking at me weird, as if how could I just hand my phone over to a cop? I didn't fight, try to erase things, try to explain things?! Nope, just gave him my phone. He can lol over funny texts between me and Jams.

Finally he asks me, "What did you say to... the crisis team... and to Dustin from the lawyer's?" I realize that he's gone through my texts and call history, and likely might have checked my skype and facebook and internet, too, in just that three minutes. I don't use them much.

"Dustin I admitted that the SSI application was pointless, everything in my life was pointless, I wanted to just give it up, terminate anything that had begun, there was no reason to keep it going. If I begin to receive assistance I will receive a gross amount less for rent and food than I currently get... and I began to cry uncontrollably and I was trying to get off the phone and just end the process of applying again... with the Crisis, I admitted I had a buncha pills I wanted to take, and got talked out of it, by realizing there are programs to help people who have nothing...." Finally the cop said he was going to make a few calls on it, and he walks away.

The younger girl cop asks me something I could tell she was dying to ask, "Do you always dye your hair like that?"

I chuckle, "Um, kind of... It was purple since October, but then I was trying to dye the purple out, and I got this pink." We all laugh at this explanation and then the younger man mentions the bright pink is reminiscent of the 80's, and I recall that I like it a lot because it is similar to Cadance from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

"Can I ask how you hurt your back?" the girl cop asks, her voice polite, but nervous.

"Yeah," I reply. "Back in December 2010 I was in a car accident and got 3 herniations, but then in 2012, this doctor Ashokan herniated on disc from 5mm to a centimeter. That made it so I couldn't walk at all for a long time."

"Oh wow..." she said, her eyes sympathetic.

"Yeah, I deal," I tried to smile encouragingly. This is my life, I can't live for myself. I have to pretend to be okay for other people. Finally the cop with my phone returns with my phone and tells me...

"Yeah Dustin from the lawyer's office wants you to know that your claim is far from being denied, it's still waiting to be approved even," at first my heart jumped before I realized.

"Wait.. you mean the claim, from today?" I ask, confirming the idiocy of trying to comfort me with the cold hard fact that pushed me into the warm comforting arms of the idea of unlife.

"Yes, the one from today," the cop replied. "It might not be a lot of money, but you should look at it like a happy accident."

I have to facepalm, but I don't. "The thing that upset me was that as soon as I get SSI, I won't get food stamps, because it is a California law... and the person helping me with rent will stop that aid, so together my total amount for food and rent will be a fraction of what it is now.... But I have program info to help now so I'll be okay somehow." I lie through my teeth at the end... yet the cold realization dawns on the cop. The person at that office duped him. The girl in the grass who is afraid of her landlords, SSI is going to possibly make it so she can't get food to eat, it might mean death from another mean that isn't suicide, which is why suicide is so tantalizing.

"Well, you seem to be pretty stable. Um, if we took you anywhere it'd be Hillmont, but..." the cop trailed off.

"That'd be worse, thanks for understanding," I finish for him.

"So you won't hurt yourself?" he clarifies.

"No, not on purpose." I answer, "I do hurt my back all the time just trying to walk around though, but it's all accidentally." to which I get the sad smile I was trying to get, while I chuckle, adjusting my pose to ease my back pain.

"Well if you need anything call us."

"Will do, thank you~!" and with that the cops leave.

--
6.20

Oh before they left, they did ask me what I was doing when they arrived, and I explained that I was literally in the middle of blogging, and they asked what about, and what I generally blog about. I told them that I blog about being disabled, and I was writing out my feelings about the idiot at the office I had dealt with.

What I failed to get into real details thus far was what Dustin from the office said to me that crawled under my skin.

The whole reason I had agreed to make a phone appointment with this office to discuss SSI or SSDI again, was because, it was mentioned that I might actually be able to get an amount that would be survivable on. When Dustin spoke with me, though, this became very apparent, not to be so. Dustin was very spoken that I was too old to have any sort of disability insurance.

“You are too old to have any disability insurance,” Dustin told me, as if I was some sort of idiot. His tone of voice was annoyed, like everyone should already know the information he divulged. “You never worked long enough to pay into it. You chose to stop working too early.”

“I’m sorry, I chose?” I repeated to him, a bit stunned. Was he referring the date of the last day of work?! The day that my best friend had to help carry me out of the store because I couldn’t walk unaided?!!

“You also didn’t choose to work full time.” He continued. “Because of your age, you have to have worked full time for five years… and you chose not to.” Dustin said this like a basic statement of facts. Twisting my horrible accident and torturous turn of my life and suffering into some sort of sweet fun flirtatious early life experimentation! Every time I heard him say “choose” or “chose” I felt like a knife was digging deeper into that injury already in the base of my spine.

“I never chose to not work full time,” I corrected him, my tone as polite as I could manage. “I had to work part time due to my physical limitations, as noted by doctors.” I explained clearly.

“Well, because you chose not to work for so long, and not to pay,” he continued to repeat as if he hadn’t heard me, nor read my case file that I have 5 herniated discs!! My spine doesn’t work!!!! What the fuck is wrong with this man?! “You’ll only be qualified for like SSI.”

Which would mean, basically no money, and under 300 a month. Food stamps would be cut off. The person aiding my rent would stop, also. And I would lose my housing, and my food in one swift active swing. I declared I wanted nothing of it, I wanted to give it all up, and he began to call me greedy that of course I was not entitled to a lot of money like ads on tv suggested… and that was never what I wanted. I want money to survive by. Pay rent, purchase food, medication.

This asshole is telling me that I have chosen to voluntarily, able-bodily-not-worked for most of my adult life, decided all of a sudden I am now disabled and want a lot of money and am now complaining that I can’t get a lot, and supposedly I guess all those injuries and issues pre 2014 do not exist, but he can begin to get me 200 dollars a month starting 2015, and that WILL be enough to live by, even in southern California. BECAUSE DUSTIN says so… Even if there are no places that cheap, nor places where I can find enough food for free even if I can find safe housing.

Thank you Dustin, even if I go to the social security office myself, you’ve made me look like an idiot.

TwinGalaxiesLive: Fun, Learn, Drama Begins

So I took a little vacation...

Literally. I went to something that I thought was awesome, and I was going to rave and blog about as being super awesome! Twin Galaxies Live! I went to play Street Fighter IV despite having not played it in a loooong time... at least a year and a half, maybe... 2 years? When did Japan Arcade close down?

Well I am glad I waited to post, because the people behind the scenes don't have their heads on very well... I don't know if it is discrimination because I am poor, or disabled, but there was very quick judgmental because as I write this I just got a very shocking call. [Added later: Actually... in the following I do wind up raving about the fun time I had... people who run it don't matter compared to people who're there!]

A friend of mine I hadn't seen for a while was kind enough to introduce me to the place. I was excited because aside from Street Fighter, there was also Hearth Stone that was played on Saturday!! And I like my TCGs. Hearth Stone is all online though, which is the one thing I dislike, so the chance to play it in real life with people, I was very excited at the chance!

Then my friend called me... I am heretofore banned from Twin Galaxies Live... Oh, and he wouldn't give me any sort of contact details for anyone who worked at the building. All that was said was that James had made some comments about me, and it had been decided that I would not be allowed to go back there.... Because of his claims?

Well I used to go to an Arcade back in the day, FFA, Family Fun Arcade. Now that was the happening place. I honestly was thinking, being on the north west end of NoHo, TGL was almost like the new FFA if you wanted to play Street Fighter late on a Sunday night!! But I just had to befriend James...

As a gamer girl, I always have to be careful about making friends. It is tricky and sticky business.

Back at FFA if there was ever an issue they had a 3 strike policy. If someone caused an issue 3 times, they were banned for 6 months or maybe a year if it was something very bad... unless what occurred was like a crime or something serious and there were actual witnesses by employees and such, not just a random person coming up and claiming some silly statement. (I STILL have NO IDEA what James is claiming or saying about me. I am assuming that it is bad. He went from sort of like friendly texts in the afternoon to ignoring by 5 to saying we shouldn't speak by 11...)

So what happened?

Well f*** him... Lemme tell you about TGL - even if the people who run it are messed up with policies- the players are nice for the most part. And I DID have fun! I was one of the first to show up, so I got to play constantly at first. My friend wasn't too interested in playing, and I was very into rewetting my feet.

The set up was pretty cool. I wheeled in (in my wheelchair) and got to see the setup. XBOX 360 (ugh not PS3?) set up in a faux arcade cab with a pull out desk so you could set sticks of your own on it, rather than use the built in cabinent sticks, and stools to sit on so you could easily be seen on camera. I got mic-ed up, and excited began to play, the player who I first faced kindly let me use the better stick, and he used an Injustice stick, which they are horrible... despite having sanwa buttons he said.

I was getting my ass handed to me for the most part, but as the night began to wear on, I slowly began to recall how to play SSFIV and also specific moves of characters that I knew. I was happy that I was able to hold my own against the players, actually winning matches here and there. Until there was a match that the Africa stage took place, then I couldn't do anything but stare at the giraffes and coo at them, but much to the amusement of the guys around me. I still manage to win a round and barely lose, and then demand that there can be no more random selects when I play because the giraffes..... distract me.... My friend backs me up, as we had stopped along the way and there had been a giraffe in a store and I flipped out over it.... lol.

That said friend who had brought me in was eager to brag to me about the set up of the arcade cabinet. Apparently you can play any game in it... and it took years to set up the stream... and he kept explaining and explaining, and he expected me to be impressed... but I'd already seen it, years before, different ways. Better streams even, set up within hours, I wondered why did it take so long? I mean... I have some of this stuff at home, I was thinking to myself. (Literally. West Toast, we recorded and streamed BlazBlue and MeltyBlood, and some of it was recorded on my crappy laptop, over 4 years ago... by me and my best friend Allen.)

I would occasionally get back in for a few matches, with aid of a steady arm to move from the cushy plush couches they had behind the HD cab screen to step to the stool, and then step back. It really was pretty cool, even though we didn't have that many people show up.

I was taking a break from playing when James came inside. TOTALLY my friend type... Into fighting games, into TCGs, and later he was running late for a tabletop game! (Even if it wasn't D&D 3.5). I collect friends like these... We began talking, and I found out that he was into writing, like I am (if you couldn't guess), and we had a lot in common aside from our gaming interests. At the time he seemed very mature... A lot like the last James I quickly befriended in a gaming event ironically. 

James wasn't playing many matches, and I asked why. He said he was too newbish to play much yet, but I pointed out how rusty I was, and how I was still playing, yet he still insisted on mostly watching. So before he left for his tabletop game I exchanged info with him and then began loudly complaining that I had asked for a turn about ten minutes earlier, lol.

So eventually I get back in and I choose, ONI AKUMA! I hear someone cry out, "No you can't choose my character!" And I laugh because I know the plight of someone choosing your character when no one has played them yet for the evening, lol. I wind up beating the guy that I am playing, it seems much to the astonishment of all the guys around me. We play again and I barely manage a win, but I have to go and sit back down in the comfy lounge sofas that they have because my back is crying out in pain.

By this time I've taken a few pain killers, but to no avail... It's like I might as well have taken just, tylenol, god that dark joke will last forever for me. So while I am chilling on the sofa as a bystander, enjoying the match, watching and remembering oh you should block that, that is a high move, that is a low, and learning about new moves and characters, people eventually begin to comment on the stream and get onto to Skype and talk to us!

My friend had told me that we were going to go to a cosplay event where I was going to see a friend of mine Jarrod!! So with my Twilight Hair still... I put on my ears and horn, and twa-la, I am Twilight Sparkle! I even had the cutie mark... on my boob...


-twi pic need to load-


So several lovely commentators are talking about "the unicorn"... Cute, creepy, and then come the two young gentlemen on Skype who are obviously quite high... "Wow, who's that chick with the big boobs?"

O_O

"Excuse me?" I ask, clarifying that yes, indeed I am a person here. I am here to play, I am not some background eye candy.

"Does that bitch actually play?" the other guy asks, oh man not the thing to ask. 

I realize that my mic didn't work so this time I make sure it is working properly and I reply to them.

"Yes I play, if you had tuned in earlier you would have seen me playing a lot, but I needed to take a rest, because I have a back injury. I'll see if I can play a round in a little while here, but uh, what did you say about me?"

"Sorry about that..." I get a sheepish apology and then giggles. Of course I was not offended at all and from the first comment the entire room is laughing and by this time I begin to lose it and even the players are having trouble keeping it together because everyone is laughing so much. The next poor Skype user to tune in is completely confused as to why everyone is laughing, poor thing.

The second Skyper was a hunting aficionado who showed off some deer heads and was very happy to talk to us. And the high guys cut in and out due to poor internet connection. 

"Ugh these pain meds are messing with my playing," I complain, despite winning a round with Juri. The high guys ask what I am on, assuming, oh it is Cali, probably good weed. "Dilaudid, Norco..."

"Holy shit!" one of them exclaims, "how did you get that?!"

"I have 5 herniated discs," I reply, winning the round while talking about all this. I am very good at talking and playing. Males don't tend to be good at this. I don't know why. God I remember this one BlazBlue win streak I had going while I was talking to a girlfriend about boy troubles and it was just annoying all the male players all the more that they were losing. 

"You can't see it, but I'm in a wheelchair. I go from the stool to the couch, I can't really walk." I explain cutting into my opponent in round 2. I can tell they are slightly concerned but more annoyed that I am not seeming to take the match seriously, and still winning.... I mean I am paying attention to the match, it is just I know how to speak, derp.

The guys around me all kind of made sounds of pain at the sound of the herniated discs and when I said I had a 1cm herniation it got reaction irl around me and from the guys online, too... Unfortunately it got reaction in my back, too. Playing the new character I don't know with Juri, holding my fire ball kicks, and not timing them right, I finally lose a match and I cry out in pain and collapse on the cab table. With help I get back to the couch and I kept apologizing for some reason. Then I curled up and cried for a little while, and no one noticed thankfully...


Towards the end of the night randomly one of them said, "My friend is bleeding out, I have to go to the ER. It was nice talking to you, we might be on later, bye." Leaving most of us speechless and confused as to what could have happened in the short span of offline time...

But as the night wound down, and sadly my skills wound up!!! people left and soon we had to close up for the night. I felt that I had made friends, and perhaps found a new place to go, now that I had lost FFA forever...

So later in the week I had a doctor's appointment that brought me out to Simi Valley. I invited James out to play with me and my bestie for some fun. First game up, the new Guilty Gear... which is missing my favorite character, Baiken...

But it was fun getting to see the game some and try it out... but I had evil intentions, I will admit. My best friend also was more devious than I was as I insisted that we play the game he interrupted me giving instructions on HOW to play!

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  The results were hilarious... at least to me and my best friend... James was laughing too, although he was frustrated. He had seen the previously linked Angry Video Game Nerd video review, so he knew what he was getting into...

If you are not familliar, it is an old NES, original Nintendo system, game that is renown to be one of the worst games ever... while still being playable. Dr. Jerkyll is apparently trying to get to his wedding and in the game every townsperson seems to attack him... there are ladies who run into you, men who calmly walk up to you drop a bomb and run away, and boys who shoot rocks at you! Later there are men who shoot ducks out of the sky that hit you, grave diggers who chuck rocks at you, and singers who cascades a bunch of notes that hurt you....

Oh and a bunch of crazy rabid animals attack you along with the bombs and projectiles and crazy townsfolk... so once your meter goes down too zero, you become Hyde... Then you can actually attack. Did I mention while you are Dr. Jekyll you can't attack ANYTHING at all? Except little bees that show up later on in the game of course... but you have this cane that pops out and kind of makes it look like you could attack.

So as Hyde you can actually shoot projectiles...  Actual monsters, albeit brain-foots, zombie babies, and giant mouths come and attack you, but you can attack back, refill your meter, but you have to do it before the game scrolls you to the point that you reached as Dr. Jekyll! If you reach that point without the meter, lightning strikes you dead, game over.

So James didn't remember the episode very well, so as he tried to use his cane and his health got low, and so did his meter, his cane passing through the apparently angry people, as he turned into Hyde he decided, "Okay I better not attack anything."

I was going to say something, but Allen seemed too amused for me to ruin his fun, so I held my tongue. Soon lightning struck our poor fighting game newbie and we both laughed while he was very confused. "What the hell happened?!"

"Just try again," my bestie tells him, stifling his laughs. I am beginning to think that he's more cruel than me... By the third time he dies, I finally decide he's suffered enough and explain that as Hyde you are supposed to kill the monsters, as Jekyll try to avoid everything... Just try to make it to the end. Press up and B to shoot projectiles, yes up and B of all things as Hyde! WTF!

So he manages to get like halfway through the stage and I offer to take the burden up. I nearly make it to the end. James tries again and gets about halfway again. Then he manages to beat the first level! We clap for him all happy he sort of finally got the gist of this horrible piece of crap. We're all laughing.

"I know it's horrible, but it's part of what makes it so much fun," I comment as he tries level 2. In this level birds begin to drop giant coils of dog poo... I kid you not. And like they drop them like scatter bombs. "Oh my good look at the birds dropping the dog doo!!"

James is trying to dodge dog doo, but gets hit and then knocked into a bomb that he tried to walk away from... poor thing. Lightning kills him and I take up the control again. I get further into level 2 and nearly to the end before I am struck down, "Nooooo!!!" I yell as monsters kill me.

All three of us are laughing, and I could never guess as to the storm to come. Then we decide to actually play a real game. Since he wanted to learn street fighter, we go ahead and put our copy in and fire up the PS3 and I finally get to see how well he played... And he was not as much as a newbie as he let on.

Allen, my bestie, and myself quickly began to advise him on what he could do better, and such, while I played Ken, somewhat casually. Eventually I actually went to play Juri and Oni who I will play if I feel a need to challenge an opponent more or actually play more seriously. Soon I was actually playing, not just casually letting him learn off of me.

There was a match when James and I both chose random and I had Zangief and he got Hugo, both grappler characters. The humor being that I know how to play Zangief, thanks to Mike Z- long story there-, and he sort of knew grapplers. So I was like, I am not going to seriously play, I was like, "Grab me! Grab me!!"

He kept only managing normal throws, but I encouraged him, "Well I wasn't able to get out of them, at least that is good."

But I was being a bit of a dick and if you've ever played Zangief I kept doing, heavy kick...  It has a far reach and to players who are unawares it can be very trollish to keep doing it low, normal, or high! XD

After a while, he was able to finally break through and actually punish me to essentially mashing, which was great! "Great job, you broke thru James! You got me!"

"It's a normal grab..." he replied, throwing me.

"Well you got through the trolling!" I replied laughing as I died and he won the match. So we play again and I actually begin to play for reals and then he has to switch characters but his Dudley was about an even match for my Zangief, but he was still struggling against the grabs.

"It just does so much damage," Allen commented, he's my bestie, but as he took the fightstick James had horror struck me... 

"Noooo," I whimpered fakely in fear, although I felt an asskicking coming.

I switched back to Ken and of course Allen chooses his main, Dhalsim... His stretchy limbs and fiery breath had made him a past favorite of mine back in Alpha, but I never got into him in SF4...

I manage to not embarrass myself taking a round off of him with Ken, but as we go a second match he whoops my butt 2 v 0 with his health high and proud and me grumbling. I switch to Juri, whom I prefer, and I again win the first round, but then another 2 close wins are his. Finally my back is hurting, I've been playing too seriously and I feel a stab of pain and I yelp.

"Are you okay?" Allen asked, concerned, James looks worried, too. 

"Yeah, yeah, just need a break. James, why don't you try?" I offer weakly, giving up my stick. And yes, it is my stick... Allen, my best friend, just kind of borrows it.... I am nice like that.

James fairs little better than I did. "I feel better," I chuckle about his loss. Not meaning any harm, more meaning to compliment that Allen is a superior player and me and James are better matched.

Then... we found out that James had never seen Airplane! Which was something I decided that we had to fix- immediately! As it is on Netflix... Or was on the 20th. So we began watching Airplane! and of course the following duration of the film is the three of us laughing our asses off, and eating pizza that James very, very, generously supplied.

I was kind of feeling a bit off that he showed up with a fightstick, bought us pizza... I offered to pay for the pizza, or even in part, but he declined my several offers. This I now see was a warning for the storm that was to come... partially cause I am a gamer girl... and hugely because of who and what I am.

It's cause I made him play Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

No seriously... I honestly don't know what I did, but I scored an awesome friend 8 days ago, and now James is a huge hater. I am sad that I lost such a cool friend... Well haters are gonna hate, and I will blog to let off my feelings, try to leave details to points that identities will remain safe unless people identify them---which has happened in the past--- please don't go and identify anyone. Allen has more tact, but I can think of perhaps two other people who could point out the exact identity... just don't. 

This has happened in the past, where someone that no one would have known who it was that I was talking about, but the single other person who had been present went on Facebook and linked my blog identifying the person and calling me out. This is personal, but also open. Any strangers won't know who the hells I am talking about, and that is totally fine. I hold no animosity.

more to come.