Lerner Rowe and FML

6.19

Today was a BIG day for me; a lawyer's office was going to call me and help me re-apply for SSDI or SSI. AGAIN. This office was different. It was motivated to really help me! Unfortunately about thirty minutes ago they called, and about fifteen minutes ago I ended the call intears, because it was completely pointless.

A friend asked me what the name 'Neptune Fallen' was from, or if it meant something, once. It is not from anything in particular, but it does mean something to me. Neptune is also known as Pluto, and was seen as the god of the underworld, or even heaven in ancient times. Also sometimes Neptune was viewed as the god of the waters, seas, and rivers. Neptune fallen is literally a depiction of a fallen god, of the heavens and or the seas. Especially today.

-Cops arrive and interrupt me writing.-

Then forty five minutes after they called the cops leave... Lovely. Where was I? Um, yes, the person at the lawyer's office who is helping me is a fucking idiot... I was beginning to feel better, but now I want to throw something hard against concrete and watch it break...

"Your claim is still active, he wants you to know that," the cop told me. No, not the claim from before, but the claim that I haven't even begun... The claim that is upsetting me. The claim that I haven't even gotten a chance to explain in my blog why it is upsetting me, because cops literally burst into my home and interrupted me! Ugh! I suppose he is a kind guy, and means very well, but his intelligence is something that is really lacking from the little I've dealt with him. Reminding me of the woman from Fry's and the cop Jams dealt with.

So I hear a firm knock at the door, and I assume that it is probably someone of the family I rent from, asking something from me, or notifying me of something... and I open the door to, a buncha cops. The cherry on top is that Maria Sr. the crazy Spanish speaking-only grandma is here, along with the army uncle who is nearly stalkerish in how much he follows people online, including me. Hope he likes this post, he isn't bad looking tbh, and is actually pretty cool and fun to hang out with.

I nearly run outside to the front yard, out of earshot of everyone inside, so we can talk there. Even if I had a giant room that could fit dozens inside, with how thin our walls are, I would choose the same spot. Immediately, but delicately, I am asked how am I doing, and I totally bomb it.

"I'm not doing too well," I blurted out, sitting on the grass, picking at some shoots. "I uh, well my back is hurting, I tweaked it trying to rush out here... But I am feeling better emotionally than I was. I had called a crisis line."

"Alright," the cop replied, I assume happy I admitted that I'd called a suicide help line. I wasn't going to try to pretend that I was totally happy for the last few hours. "Did you tell anyone in the last few hours that you would hurt yourself?"

"Uhhh... yeah on the crisis line, I had pills in my hand, and I was wanting to take them," I answered frankly, glancing nervously up a couple times. "After several minutes I was feeling better and didn't feel like that anymore."

The cop looked almost as if a fish had crawled out of a fish bowl and run away or something. I guess he wasn't used to people just admitting things so plainly. So he asked me more questions like about me hurting myself in the past.

"I used to, a long time ago. You can see scars on my arms, but it's been well over a year since I've actually done it. I might have urges, but I've not actually hurt myself in a long time." I explained.

"Yeah... I can see some of the scars," he glanced at my arms and gestured with a finger at the pale slices intermixed with the slightly darker skin. "When was the last time you did that?"

I scoffed slightly nearly a laugh, "Pff.... I don't even remember it's been so long," I shook my head. "Before I moved here, and I've been here a year."

"Okay," he nodded. I'd been very frank, he seemed to believe me so far, or at least seem to think I was being mostly truthful. My scars obviously are not from days ago, but do look like they could be weeks old I will admit. "Have you ever been to a mental health facility?"

"Like a clinic... or?"

"Like admitted. Have you been to Hillmont?" he asks this. I shudder and the cops notice my reaction. I laugh loudly.

"Yeah, I've been to Hillmont," I answer with a grin, "One of the last times I was there I needed to get my gallbladder out, they were giving me liquid antacid, as soon as I was released I had to rush to Santa Paula for emergency surgery. Hellmont just let it fester inside me. No offense to them, but that wasn't the first time they've injured my physical health. They make me worse than I feel, hehehe." I chuckle and shake my head.

"What about ....?" They mention a place I'd never been.

"Nope, I've never been there... and I was feeling depressed earlier, and I have been feeling down off and on recently. My psychiatrist lowered my dose of one of my meds, I wouldn't be against being admitted to a facility if it weren't Hillmont." I replied.

Again the cops stared at me as if I'd grown a third eyeball or something. I was just being so mellow.

"Heh I bet I could also get a shower, too!" I added with a grin.

"You can't get one here?" the younger male who's been silent asks.

"Uh.... nope," I answer, my voice still friendly, with a smile.

"Why not?" the main officer asks me, his eyes wide.

"I waste water apparently. I'm not supposed to take showers, cause I fall, and I can't take baths cause of our drains, and then I also waste water, but everyone else can bathe...." I explain with a sardonic smile. The officer finally is beginning to get a read on me, that perhaps though I seem mellow that there is more behind it.

"You need to find another place to live." he tells me. "But before that, can I see your cell phone?"

"Sure, no problem... and I've been looking for one."

I go and get my cell phone, while one of the cops watch me, and they are shocked by my messy room. The biggest contention of me living where I do. Before the cops left one of them jokingly laughed to me, "Yeah, and you should probably clean your room," with a kind smile. My landlords claim fire department people and police will fine or issue other things if they see it, but so far cops, paramedics, police chiefs, and more have seen my room in worse states than it currently is messy and are totally chill with it and only have parentaly suggested I should clean it up, with a smile and often a chuckle.

Anyways

The main cop has my cell phone and asks me, "Did you tell anyone that you might kill yourself today?"

"When I was online with the crisis hotline, yeah, I was talking about it. I did send a text insinuating it to my best friend, but other than that no..." I answered and then kind of fell onto my side.

The young man cop immediately reached his hands out towards me in worry, "Are you okay? Do you need a chair?"

"Oh no, I'm fine, well not fine... I hurt, but lying on my left side like this is best. Thank you, though." I reply with a smile. The main cop is looking through my phone and the other cops who are closer to my age are looking at me weird, as if how could I just hand my phone over to a cop? I didn't fight, try to erase things, try to explain things?! Nope, just gave him my phone. He can lol over funny texts between me and Jams.

Finally he asks me, "What did you say to... the crisis team... and to Dustin from the lawyer's?" I realize that he's gone through my texts and call history, and likely might have checked my skype and facebook and internet, too, in just that three minutes. I don't use them much.

"Dustin I admitted that the SSI application was pointless, everything in my life was pointless, I wanted to just give it up, terminate anything that had begun, there was no reason to keep it going. If I begin to receive assistance I will receive a gross amount less for rent and food than I currently get... and I began to cry uncontrollably and I was trying to get off the phone and just end the process of applying again... with the Crisis, I admitted I had a buncha pills I wanted to take, and got talked out of it, by realizing there are programs to help people who have nothing...." Finally the cop said he was going to make a few calls on it, and he walks away.

The younger girl cop asks me something I could tell she was dying to ask, "Do you always dye your hair like that?"

I chuckle, "Um, kind of... It was purple since October, but then I was trying to dye the purple out, and I got this pink." We all laugh at this explanation and then the younger man mentions the bright pink is reminiscent of the 80's, and I recall that I like it a lot because it is similar to Cadance from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

"Can I ask how you hurt your back?" the girl cop asks, her voice polite, but nervous.

"Yeah," I reply. "Back in December 2010 I was in a car accident and got 3 herniations, but then in 2012, this doctor Ashokan herniated on disc from 5mm to a centimeter. That made it so I couldn't walk at all for a long time."

"Oh wow..." she said, her eyes sympathetic.

"Yeah, I deal," I tried to smile encouragingly. This is my life, I can't live for myself. I have to pretend to be okay for other people. Finally the cop with my phone returns with my phone and tells me...

"Yeah Dustin from the lawyer's office wants you to know that your claim is far from being denied, it's still waiting to be approved even," at first my heart jumped before I realized.

"Wait.. you mean the claim, from today?" I ask, confirming the idiocy of trying to comfort me with the cold hard fact that pushed me into the warm comforting arms of the idea of unlife.

"Yes, the one from today," the cop replied. "It might not be a lot of money, but you should look at it like a happy accident."

I have to facepalm, but I don't. "The thing that upset me was that as soon as I get SSI, I won't get food stamps, because it is a California law... and the person helping me with rent will stop that aid, so together my total amount for food and rent will be a fraction of what it is now.... But I have program info to help now so I'll be okay somehow." I lie through my teeth at the end... yet the cold realization dawns on the cop. The person at that office duped him. The girl in the grass who is afraid of her landlords, SSI is going to possibly make it so she can't get food to eat, it might mean death from another mean that isn't suicide, which is why suicide is so tantalizing.

"Well, you seem to be pretty stable. Um, if we took you anywhere it'd be Hillmont, but..." the cop trailed off.

"That'd be worse, thanks for understanding," I finish for him.

"So you won't hurt yourself?" he clarifies.

"No, not on purpose." I answer, "I do hurt my back all the time just trying to walk around though, but it's all accidentally." to which I get the sad smile I was trying to get, while I chuckle, adjusting my pose to ease my back pain.

"Well if you need anything call us."

"Will do, thank you~!" and with that the cops leave.

--
6.20

Oh before they left, they did ask me what I was doing when they arrived, and I explained that I was literally in the middle of blogging, and they asked what about, and what I generally blog about. I told them that I blog about being disabled, and I was writing out my feelings about the idiot at the office I had dealt with.

What I failed to get into real details thus far was what Dustin from the office said to me that crawled under my skin.

The whole reason I had agreed to make a phone appointment with this office to discuss SSI or SSDI again, was because, it was mentioned that I might actually be able to get an amount that would be survivable on. When Dustin spoke with me, though, this became very apparent, not to be so. Dustin was very spoken that I was too old to have any sort of disability insurance.

“You are too old to have any disability insurance,” Dustin told me, as if I was some sort of idiot. His tone of voice was annoyed, like everyone should already know the information he divulged. “You never worked long enough to pay into it. You chose to stop working too early.”

“I’m sorry, I chose?” I repeated to him, a bit stunned. Was he referring the date of the last day of work?! The day that my best friend had to help carry me out of the store because I couldn’t walk unaided?!!

“You also didn’t choose to work full time.” He continued. “Because of your age, you have to have worked full time for five years… and you chose not to.” Dustin said this like a basic statement of facts. Twisting my horrible accident and torturous turn of my life and suffering into some sort of sweet fun flirtatious early life experimentation! Every time I heard him say “choose” or “chose” I felt like a knife was digging deeper into that injury already in the base of my spine.

“I never chose to not work full time,” I corrected him, my tone as polite as I could manage. “I had to work part time due to my physical limitations, as noted by doctors.” I explained clearly.

“Well, because you chose not to work for so long, and not to pay,” he continued to repeat as if he hadn’t heard me, nor read my case file that I have 5 herniated discs!! My spine doesn’t work!!!! What the fuck is wrong with this man?! “You’ll only be qualified for like SSI.”

Which would mean, basically no money, and under 300 a month. Food stamps would be cut off. The person aiding my rent would stop, also. And I would lose my housing, and my food in one swift active swing. I declared I wanted nothing of it, I wanted to give it all up, and he began to call me greedy that of course I was not entitled to a lot of money like ads on tv suggested… and that was never what I wanted. I want money to survive by. Pay rent, purchase food, medication.

This asshole is telling me that I have chosen to voluntarily, able-bodily-not-worked for most of my adult life, decided all of a sudden I am now disabled and want a lot of money and am now complaining that I can’t get a lot, and supposedly I guess all those injuries and issues pre 2014 do not exist, but he can begin to get me 200 dollars a month starting 2015, and that WILL be enough to live by, even in southern California. BECAUSE DUSTIN says so… Even if there are no places that cheap, nor places where I can find enough food for free even if I can find safe housing.

Thank you Dustin, even if I go to the social security office myself, you’ve made me look like an idiot.

End of the Line

Socially I am not the most intelligent of people, especially since I've been injured and secluded to my room for the last few years. I had a wonderful time going to the event Monolith in Ventura, but then when I went with the same friends to karaoke I inadvertently really %*$&ed things up.

Usually when I mess things up this badly I hide for a while, which I mostly did until now. I was on Facebook a little, but only for brief stints here and there to reply to people. One of my best friends from early 2006 I can only reach him through Facebook- which I find annoying to all end.

I had been trying to talk to my friends but I was not getting much of a response from my friends at karaoke, and then other began to speak to me and I got caught up attention and conversation. Things like that hadn't happened to me in well over a year and a half. When I had wanted to stay longer than after they were leaving it greatly upset them because they felt responsible to see me home, despite my assurances that I had a ride home. I do have a few people I know in Oxnard who can give me rides when I need them later into the night, but it was a situation that was difficult to explain I suppose.

By the time my brain was able to process why what I did was so bad and rude and unkind it was really too late... I do the same things in World of Warcraft, too sometimes. My mind is like set on a slow shutter speed for realizing things about social situations sometimes.

When Halloween came around I went back to Monolith with my bestie in tow with his monitor and PS3. After I sang a karaoke song several of the people who had sung seemed annoyed with me, and I wondered if it was perhaps that I had shown them up with a song that I know that I can actually sing well. I am not the best singer, but there are some songs that I can sing. Apparently so well the point that when I ran into a friend I hadn't seen for two years he suggested perhaps I try to go into singing to help with my emotions and feelings.

I nearly was able to get a swapped pass for Blizzcon, until the guy who was going to get me the pass really began to hit on me, and I was like "Dude, isn't that your wife right there?" and he was like "never mind that.." once she caught on to what was going on, she drug him off and I didn't see him again. Ugh. But I actually ran into several people I knew that night.

Saturday I got to go to Stan Lee's Comikaze, which I had fun. I got to meet all the voice actresses for the Mane 6 of My Little Pony. The voice actress of Rarity was horrible to me. They were together about to leave the stage and I quickly asked, "Hey can I get a photo please, people were standing in the handicapped area here?" as people finally moved enough for me to see them from my wheelchair... in the handicapped area where all these people were STANDING....

So Tabitha St. Germain says of course, "No, you have to get pictures at the signature booths!" and like stormed off. I had my camera posed and ready to snap a photo and everything. Ashleigh Ball, who does Rainbow Dash and Applejack seemed like 'wow I cannot believe you dissed that poor girl in the wheelchair'.

So over in the booths they are separate and charge $10 a photo. So Rarity's voice actress apparently has something against people in wheelchairs, that is nice. In fact the entire panel was a nightmare because so many people went to the front handicap area and were standing blocking my and other handicap people's view. Many were children which 1. where were their parents? no where, they should have been told to #*%&in sit 2. The parents shouldn't have allowed them up there at all 3. the staff should have intervened. The panel was a huge flop unless you were a child or able-bodied. I even tried asking a staffer about it, and they were a complete idiot saying that the panel was done, when it hadn't even begun.

At least Tara Strong complimented my Twilight cosplay, although she does not game. I also ran into SO many people I hadn't seen in a long time at the con, from weeks, to months, and even in years people I hadn't seen, it was fun being able to catch up with everyone. I also discovered that Street Fighter II is very different than Turbo remix... VERY different. I lost a lot, though I did win a lot. I was sitting down in my wheelchair so it was a bit difficult to play.

So yes... Running into old friends... Running away new friends to the point that guilt has manifested into physical pain... At least I had the appointment on the 5th at USC (University of Southern California) Medical Center to look forward to...

This appointment was made because the best doctors in neurology and orthopedics were really at a loss of how to best help me, the ones in Ventura, some of them also part of UCLA! So I would be sent to a bigger center, better doctors, one more experiences than a doctor that is part of UCLA and VCMC... This was going to be the big answer of what is wrong, or what would fix me...

So I was running around on Monday getting my medical records because when I had tried to get them before I had had trouble, and even on Monday I had trouble with them having printer issues, again. *facepalm* But eventually I got them. The employee at Ventura County Medical Center heard my situation and actually dropped off the records to my house since I didn't live far off from him. So with that I was immensely grateful and had everything. 

I go in and filled out a lot of forms. I speak to a nurse at great length about the pain, what kind of pain, where, what other symptoms, when did they start... I can trace the main nerves in my leg-it is alarmingly bad, you can see it on her face. There is a reason I came from so far away to get here. I drove nearly two and a half hours to make this appointment.

The doctor comes in and sighs, and my heart drops. Surgery might make me better, but it might just make me worse. What would be best for me is pain management.



"Pain management"

The term that I don't want to hear. I reached the top of the ladder of resources of helping my back, and I hit a wall. Pain management is a last resort... it's what I am sort of doing right now. If I go to a clinic they might not have anything else to offer to me than the pills that I am already taking.

It's like having an illness, going through all the treatments, and being told that you are not better, but not any worse. I feel like I am dying right now, the pain is so bad, I want to scream as loud as I can. I am just in this stasis of pain.

For those who are unaware of what is going on with me, or chronic injuries or diseases/problems like mine, here is what is going on:

I went to VCMC Ventura County Medical Center, where my back doctor (who works with neurology and orthopedics [spine]) also does his work, to get my records. I was told to get records for a while back... So I asked well, what do I have for the last 6 months... I had over 12 hospital stays. The man stopped counting at twelve, he was five months back... So I just said hey, how about the last three months. And this was just one hospital, I've also been at three other hospitals, Simi Valley Hospital, St. John's Oxnard, and a hospital stay in Canoga Park that was over a week.

BUT, VCMC has all of those records, in one place, except a CT scan that was done at St. John's I found out, so I had to unfortunately go there to get that.

In my records it reads at something even worse than what I had before...



X-Ray Rad Lumbar Spine Bending Views 8/21/14:
                             reason: Radiculopathy (pain radiating out from the spine, like sciatica) lumbar, thoracic

Findings:
 Exaggerated lumbar lordosis present. (The term lordosis refers to the abnormal inward curvature of the lumbar and cervical regions of the spine.)  No acute fractures- no broken bones which is good.
  Probable lombosacral junction transition.



MRI With and Without contrast 9/24/14:
Findings: 

L4-L5: bilateral laminectomies (Laminectomy is surgery that creates space by removing the lamina — the back part of the vertebra that covers your spinal canal.) at this level. Enhancing scar tissues is again seen. There is a residual 1 cm right paracentral disc protrusion causing effacement of the right lateral recess. There is moderate right neural foraminal narrowing. (... resulting in eventual nerve compression.)

L5-S1: There is a milder anterolisthesis of L5 relative to S1 with pseudo bulging of the intervertebral disc. There is a persistent left paracentral disc protrusion. There is moderate left and right neural foraminal narrowing ( is a condition of the spine that can cause pain and other symptoms resulting from spinal nerve root compression). This is unchanged when compared to previous study.

Impression:
1. Comparison is made to an outside study from 8/21/2014
2. Overall, there has been no significant interval change.
3. The patient is again noted to be status post bilateral laminectomy at L4-5 with enhancing granulation tissue.
4. Stable 1 cm right paracentral disc protrusion causing effacement of the right lateral recess. There is moderate right neural foraminal narrowing.
5. Mild anterolisthesis of L5 relative to S1 with pseudo bulging of the intervertebral disc with a persistent left paracentral disc protrusion. There is moderate left and mild right neural foraminal narrowing.
6. Stable 5 cm central disc protrusion/extrusion at L3/4. [[GOD I HOPE THEY MEANT 5MM, this is a typo on their part.]]


So that was like a comparison, so you don't really get what's wrong.. I have over 50 pages in front of me.. lemme skim some more...

Oh, from my PCP, not sure how the hospital got this one...

5/29/14
"Chief Complaint
back pain/seizures/emergency room/hospital stay follow up

History of Present Illness
went to Tarzana hosp for loss of bowel with extreme back pain felt as if had decreased DTR (Deep Tendon Reflex, so decreased reflex response); had MRI back and brain- brain showed cysts told to follow up neurologist; back showed L5 herniation (bulge) 9mm and told needs back surgery again. worried about going to physical therapy. no loss of bowel or bladder since then. mad at pain management b/c only gave norco 1/daily; [OH OH and told me to smoke weed, like get high forget my pain by doing that, dunno where I'd get the money. They gave me an RX for norco for 15 pills...] did get norco from other hospitals. [and clinics and my PCPs] wants dilaudid 3mg [no 2mg if that is ok which I now have regularly every month from my pcp]. pain is constant, radiating right leg to knee [and down to my foot, and my left leg too]. homeless in 2 days. NCS (Nerve Conduction Study- where they stick electrodes deep into your tissue, shock you, and see how long it takes to travel up your nerves) tomorrow at pain management. also had EEG (The electroencephalogram (EEG) is a medical test used to measure the electrical activity of the brain, via electrodes applied to your scalp.) at Tarzana and it was normal

Problem List/Past Medical History
Asthma NOS (not otherwise specified), w/o acute exacerbation
Bipolar
Chronic Pain, not elsewhere classified
DEGENERATION OF LUMBAR OR LUMBOSACRAL INTERVERTEBRAL DISC
DISPLACEMENT OF LUMBAR INTERVERTEBRAL DISC WITHOUT MYLEOPATHY
LUMBAGO
Spinal Stenosis of Lumbar Region without Neurogenic Claudication
PTSD
[and it goes on...]"

OH OH OMG here is the report from me falling in the shower at that horrible hotel. The only time I have ever fallen since I have hurt my back. The third time I have ever fallen in the shower in my life...

6/6/14
"Impression and Plain
    Diagnosis Back Pain NOS (ICD9 724.5)
                      Degeneration of lumbar or lumbosacral intervertebral disc (ICD9 722.52)
    ....[pretty much rest rest do things normally]
    Sit down to shower/bathe
    [I swear that this was the most genius suggestion ever... Bathing has been so less painful since I only take like baths now. I shower down after soaking in them, but like I will mostly clean in a bath. The doctor really stressed it and I felt like a bloody idiot, but it's been working, and it is so relaxing.]


So going over these doctor's notes, I am finding things that I suspect I wasn't meant to read... like how I don't take my pain meds like how I should.

7/1/14
"...still has dilaudid left and tries not to take it; taking Tramadol instread (yes it said instread) but not daily- 2-3 on a bad day but not daily; norco 10 pills left; severe uses dilaudid, mod pain uses norco; least pain uses tramadol-needs more..."

Yeah, that's me. I was crying from pain yesterday in the USC office and my friend asked if I wasn't supposed to take meds, and I admitted no, that I could, and I realized oh, I should take something for my pain, aside from the fact I was causing a scene with my whimpers.

"In wheelchair, able to ambulate with pain."

Medical History
All Problems 7.11.14
Spinal Stenosis of Lumbar Region without Neurogenic Claudication / 724.05 / Confirmed
Posttraumatic stress disorder / 309.81 / Confirmed
OBESITY, UNSPECIFIED / 278.00 / Confirmed [oh alright, cool]
Headache, migraine NOS / 346.92 / Confirmed
DISPLACEMENT OF LUMBAR INTERVERTEBRAL DISC WITHOUT MYLEOPATHY / 722.10 / Confirmed
DEGENERATION OF LUMBAR OR LUMBOSACRAL INTERVERTEBRAL DISC / 722.52 / Confirmed
Bipolar / 388.66 2014 / Confirmed
Asthma NOS, w/o acute exacerbation / 493.90 / Confrimed.

From Dr. Flom my PCP:
MRI BRAIN 5/21/14
NL-1CM CYST IN LEFT PARIETAL REGION
MRI LUMBAR 5/21/14
L-3-4 -3-4MM BULGING
L4-5 9 MM CENTRAL DISC PROTRUSION
"no significant difference from previous MRI study dated 8/8/2013 except for possible L3L4 disc protrusion being 1mm larger"



Did I mention that the papers I am going through are double sided? I am looking for Dr. Herman, my back doctor's notes..


From Dr.Herman 8/29/14
"...she has what appears to be a slight enlargement of a disk herniation... She has some foraminal narrowing. She has some residual stenosis at L5-S1 and 3, 4. She also had multiple levels of degenerative disk disease and disk height loss.

In assessment of the patient's course and condition, we had a long discussion regarding treatment options. I have indicated to her as Dr. Hsu also mentioned her she has extensive degenerative changes and a surgical intervention carries high risks with guarded prognosis at this point.

...a referral down to a tertiary car center." Which was USC, and which lead to.. pain management. This was the last time I saw him, my back doctor.


9/24/14
Chief complaint chronic lower back pain with hx of laminectomy and extra lumbar. Patient c/o having difficulty ambulating chronic in nature. She states she is not taking her pain meds. No acute changes noted. Exacerbations of chronic problems.

All Problems: (oh we got new ones!)
Spinal Stenosis of Lumbar Region without Neurogenic Claudication / 724.02 / Confirmed
Lumbar neuritis or radiculitis NOS / 724.4 / Confirmed
LUMBAGO link 2 (I have the "rarely seen") / 724.4 / Confirmed
DISPLACEMENT OF LUMBAR INTERVERTEBRAL DISC WITHOUT MYELOPATHY / 722.10 / Confirmed
DEGENERATION OF LUMBAR OF LUMBOSACRAL INTERVERTEBRAL DISC / 722.52 / Confirmed
Chronic pain, not elsewhere classified / 338.29 / Confirmed
(and those are just related to my back)

from 8/8/2013
L3L4 5mm central protrusion, L4L5 residual 2mm bulge seen, L5S1 5mm paracentral bulge. (This was before the doctor at clinicas ruined my back... then it went to a cm)

I say that I am at the end of the road now because everyone in the medical field knows, pain management is a last resort... Treating the symptoms not the numerous problems that are causing the myriad of issues... May God give me strength. Light bless me. I am working on my vocal training on my own and my writing because I now have doubt that I will ever be able to return to a normal job. I've begun to take pain medical, tramadol, daily, and it has made the last few days bearable. I wish I had a better control on my life.

911 & my "Family"

[[My previous post to this I was complaining about Maria, my landlord's [Tony's] mother, who began to live here over a week ago... on the couch. She speaks only Spanish, only a few English words, although she understands a few, and she speaks Spanish at me as if she has expectations for me to understand, and if frustrated that I do not speak it... Which I dealt with a lot working at CVS in Van Nuys, people who spoke Spanish and were annoyed that I did not speak Spanish.]]

Then she gives up after a while, realizing that I just don't understand what she is saying. Also Maria, she treats her family very horribly. She takes advantage of them, and blackmails them into helping her. Her son Tony, my landlord, she was furious at him a while ago for never taking her to the doctor or other places during Monday-Friday during normal business hours, you know when people typically work... "My nephew always takes me! Yet you can never take me and you're my own son!" She said. Her nephew is unemployed. Her son works during the week.

Once she got evicted and needed help leaving her apartment though, her son did take days off of work to help her. That was a serious enough event for him to help her! Despite the things she said to him about him never helping her! She also says horrible things about her grandkids. She despises one of her own daughters because her grandson, her daughter's son, is gay. As if it is the daughter's fault and something so terrible.... And there are so many other things.

So when she came here and began living here, I was anxious. She'd already stolen items here and there when visiting. (total klepto) She's taken a couple of my items from the garage. When I was in the bath she went into my room for some reason, I have no idea what she did in there, but she went in.

Yet she is friendly enough to always say "hola" and maybe how are you, in Spanish. (Google keeps going nuts about Spanish words being spelled wrong sorry). Also I think other pleasantries that I have NO idea what she is saying let alone how to spell. She's even offered me food she's been making when I've gone to the kitchen. She's tried asking me questions... She thinks that I am very beautiful [she said this one night that I was so beautiful that her middle son's girlfriend would have to be careful, he'd probably come over here so often to see me, now that I'd moved in... Ironically he comes over a lot because he works nearby, and he lives a few hours' drives away.] But she's called me beautiful since then, too. I always say thank you, or reply back.

So I had this brief conversation regarding my last boyfriend with my best friend... My last boyfriend was the nicest of my three boyfriends.

Brackets [these things] indicate things that have been added after the fact. Also my Bestie has been referred to as Allen before.

[10:27 AM] Best Friend: Marcus is an asshole

[10:27 AM] Neptune Fallen: well I mean when we were dating

[10:27 AM] Best Friend: I told you that when you started dating him, lol

[10:27 AM] Neptune Fallen: he was nice to me

[10:27 AM] Neptune Fallen: did you? [say that]

[10:27 AM] Neptune Fallen: he treated me nice

[10:28 AM] Best Friend: Yeah, and you got upset at me about it

[10:28 AM] Neptune Fallen: he was sweet to me

[10:28 AM] Neptune Fallen: sorry... I should have listened [[I REEEEEEALLY should have]]

[10:28 AM] Best Friend: and you even told him that I said that in front of me, like out of spite

[10:28 AM] Best Friend: "Best Friend says you're an asshole."

[10:28 AM] Neptune Fallen: well, he always said himself he was an asshole

[10:28 AM] Best Friend: he is an asshole

[10:28 AM] Neptune Fallen: he is [after all]

[10:28 AM] Neptune Fallen: lol

[10:29 AM] Best Friend: He's not like Mike Watson asshole, lol

[10:29 AM] Neptune Fallen: anyway at the TIME

[10:29 AM] Neptune Fallen: he wasn't an asshole to me

[10:29 AM] Best Friend: Yeah, then he was just being biased

[10:29 AM] Neptune Fallen: I know

[10:29 AM] Neptune Fallen: and I knew

[10:30 AM] Neptune Fallen: so I was like Belle in Once Upon A Time, like there's good in you! You can't be so bad....

[10:30 AM] Best Friend: Yeah, don't ever go into a relationship hoping you can change someone

[10:31 AM] Neptune Fallen: no, I just figured that I liked how I was treated and I thought I would be treated that way

[10:31 AM] Neptune Fallen: and maybe he might treat others that way when I was around more

[10:31 AM] Neptune Fallen: and he did to some extent

[10:33 AM] Neptune Fallen: but anyway also like a scale like that my dating scale gets better, James raped and beat me, [name removed-2cd bf dated for 6.5 years] controlled me, and raped me, Marcus was an asshole who manipulated me into sexual things I didn't want

[10:34 AM] Neptune Fallen: OKAY Maria Sr, she kind of like speaks to me in Spanish expecting me to understand, but she is nice I guess.... sort of...

[10:35 AM] Neptune Fallen: She is a total bitch in other regards. She is not accepting of gays or a lot of other things, and she treats people really mean. She was guilting Tony for not helping her with things because he had work, like "Oh why wouldn't you help me? My nephew did (who has no job) why can't you?"

[10:36 AM] Neptune Fallen: So when she came here I saw a lot of her bitchy behavior. But she's been nice to me.

[10:36 AM] Neptune Fallen: Kind of like Marcus.

[10:36 AM] Best Friend: Watch how people treat others to get a good gauge of them

[10:36 AM] Best Friend: You can't just look at how they treat you

[10:37 AM] Neptune Fallen: So like 30 min ago, I went to get some water----she treats Alex [my roommate and Tony's step daughter] the WORST

[10:37:15 AM] Best Friend: If they're undeservedly mean to them, then they have the capacity to be undeservedly mean to you.

All above I wrote a while ago, below I wrote a lot earlier.

So like 30 min ago, I went to get some water----

The last months, weeks, and days, my back, the pain has been worsening... and as I limped out of my room with my cane and empty water bottles, headed to the kitchen, I thought I was okay. I got there, and there was Maria, Tony's [my landlord] mother talking on the speaker phone, on her cell phone, with friends or family in Spanish loudly and happily. Laughing and smiling. 

I walked past her, nodding, smiling, and hiding my limp and pain, walking with my back straight, to the fridge, pretending that I was completely okay and not hurting what-so-ever. I began to fill the first bottle with the fridge's filtered water and when I was almost done--it hit me, like someone shot me with a gun. Pain, weakness, numbness, and all of it just shooting from that spot in my back and down my legs. Even right now at 1PM, after taking a lot of pain meds, I am hurting very terribly.

My knees weakened from pain, which I leaned on my cane, but the legs wouldn't support me because of the weakness.I grasped at the fridge as I slowly fell downward, my legs failing me. Sitting on the floor, the pain was so terrible, I finally just lied down to relieve my back from the pain of sitting. I glanced to Maria, and she was still chatting loudly with whomever she was speaking with, staring off in that other direction.

It was my horror when I glanced at her still chatting loudly with what sounded like friends, glancing at me briefly and then ending her conversation, then coming over to try to get me to stand. The following explains it. (I refill 500ml/16.9oz/1pt,0.9oz bottles, the small kind you often purchase in a pack or from a vending machine.)

[10:37 AM] Neptune Fallen: And she was on the phone talking to people, family I think from the way they were talking.

[10:39 AM] Neptune Fallen: And I had 3 bottles, I went to fill up the first one, and after I was like 90% done, like a shot in my back it hit and I let out a gasp. My legs went out, I couldn't stand, they wouldn't support so much weight, and I grasped at the fridge as I tried to support as much weight as I could, but that wasn't much, as I went to the floor.

[10:39 AM] Neptune Fallen: Finally in pain, I was lying on the floor, trying not to cry out in pain, hoping that she wouldn't notice. I kept glacing over, but she seemed absorbed in her conversation, looking the other way. I had fallen down pretty quietly.

[10:39 AM] Neptune Fallen: It took a lot of effort.

[10:40 AM] Neptune Fallen: So finally when I glace over I noticed she was glacing my way, still on the phone, speaking in Spanish to people, still sounded like friends or something, and finally she gets off and tries to get me up.

[10:40 AM] Neptune Fallen: I say no, no no...

[10:41 AM] Neptune Fallen: She keeps trying to grab my arm to get me up, but I shake my head, I can't... Then I say "my walker", and make a gesture. and she understood. She'd seen me with it yesterday.

[[She was grabbing my arm trying to get me up, trying to be helpful, probably thinking that I was capable of getting up, or hesitant. She has no idea that I am injured.]]

[10:41 AM] Neptune Fallen: So she goes and grabs it, and she helps me up, actually grabbing my arm and helping me up.

[10:43 AM] Neptune Fallen: The second person in the house, next to Alex, to actually help me like this, but she was more honest and concerned. She spoke words of comfort and urging [at least I think] as I cried out in pain and tried to get to my room. She helped to push my walker along.

[10:43 AM] Best Friend: That's nice of her

[10:43 AM] Neptune Fallen: So I get to my room, let the walker go to grab onto things to crawl into my bed and she stands there for a minute before I say thanks and give her a thumbs up, despite panting and whimpering.

[10:44 AM] Neptune Fallen: She then shows up with the bottle I'd filled and she watches as I down like 8 pills. [1 Dilaudid- severe pain, 4 t tramadol- double dose moderate pain, 1 norco- single dose moderate pain, 2 baclofen- normal dose pain/muscle relaxation]

[10:44 AM] Neptune Fallen: I know.

[10:44 AM] Neptune Fallen: Then she leaves before I can try to ask about the other two bottles... which I feel bad asking for, lol.

[10:45 AM] Neptune Fallen: And she is knocking on Christie's door, and then Christie shows up at my door and asks, "What happened?"

[10:45 AM] Neptune Fallen: "Oh, I just fell at the fridge trying to get water," I say, like it is nothing, which I feel it is. I fall all the time. I fell twice yesterday!

[10:46 AM] Neptune Fallen: "Well the ambulance is on its way." [Christie calmly tells me, like I should be relieved. Like this is great news, I will be getting help!]

[10:46 AM] Neptune Fallen: "You called an ambulance? Oh fuck!" I reply before I can think

[10:47:14 AM] Neptune Fallen: "I didn't mean to say that... I'm sorry... oh god... just... ugh," and like seconds later she moved out of the way cause there was a paramedic. [Actually as I am saying this, trying to work an apology she moved out of the way for this rather handsome male paramedic.]

[10:47 AM] Best Friend: >.<

[10:47 AM] Neptune Fallen: "What happened?" [he asked.] and I had to explain everything. According to what he had [been told], I fell [down and], was unconscious [on the floor] at the fridge, and he was [really] urging me to go to the hospital.

[10:48 AM] Neptune Fallen: And I was like, "no, I have chronic pain and back issues, I see Dr. Herman at VCMC, I am waiting to see a specialist in L.A. I know like all the ER doctors at VCMC [Ventura county medical center, the hospital), they'd be annoyed to see me."

[10:48 AM] Neptune Fallen:" Well you shouldn't not go to the ER because you are afraid to upset the doctors", he said.

[10:49 AM] Neptune Fallen: And I facepalm, "Well like I've been told like I shouldn't come back. [by more than one ER doctor at VCMC]" He asks normal questions, anything new, did I hit my head, etc etc.

[10:50 AM] Neptune Fallen: Again [he] urges me to come with them to the ER. [I have never been more pressed by a paramedic to go to the ER before lol.]

[10:50 AM] Best Friend: If you went to the ER everytime you fell you'd be at the ER more than you're at home

[10:50 AM] Neptune Fallen: I am like "This happens a lot, like all the time. She is new to living here, and she doesn't speak English, so I couldn't explain that to her."

[10:51 AM] Neptune Fallen: So I sign a release that I am ignoring medical advice, and I also asked about my room, and he said that it could be cleaner but it's not like condemnable like Tony's mother's house way (which is what Tony was worried about), so after they left I picked up [my room some, the things he mentioned, that the path to my bed was messy].

[10:52 AM] Neptune Fallen: I also told them that I kind of need things near my bed to GET into my bed cause I fall and need to lift myself into it a lot.

[10:52 AM] Neptune Fallen: and ROFL at your comment, esp at how long they take to see people [at the hospital].

[10:53 AM] Neptune Fallen: So they left finally, and I was alone, I thanked Maria, knowing her intention was good, and she helped me a lot with the walker and getting to my bed. Christie I was able to ask her to fill my other water bottles, and then finally I explained this to you. 

I also had to take some anti anxiety medicine because I was freaking out, and then I fell asleep for a period because the medicine made me so drowsy. Then I wrote above, and have been here and there linking things, working on things for this and other things, talking on Facebook to people I have not spoken to for a while and here I am now at nearly 4PM.

A lot of people I never expected read my blog.... So many see my life as unfair and sympathize with it, which I cannot blame them. If I were someone reading my blog I probably would, too. I spoke to a friend of mine today who couldn't believe that my father was so willing to help me in only one way when I was homeless...

I was homeless a few months ago, before I came to live here. His idea was that I should drop all my medical care, move to Illinois, and instead of living in one of his 2 houses, or condo, that I should talk to someone he knew at a homeless shelter. Which would mean I would have to cancel waiting to see specialists about the seizures and my back, simply so I would have a shelter to stay in Illinois, vs. here where I could just nap on the street or beach at the time.

He got angry at me and stopped speaking to me when I apologized for being a horrible daughter that he hated me so much. I mean my entire life since my mother died he has punished me and denied me assistance and barely any recognition of even care... For months he barely even bothered to find out if I was even homeless or even alive. It was only recent that he found out that I was alive, and not on the street.

I wish I had a family, that'd be so cool... Nearly all of my friends have families. It is only a couple who do not.... It has only been in about maybe the recent year that I have stopped feeling guilty about my envious feelings. That I am in my 20's, and people constantly ask and often ask with the assumption is yes, "do you live with your parents?" I have plenty to be envious of... and it is totally normal. Most people my age have parents, or at least some relatives of some sort who haven't abused them.... or maybe childhood friends-like-family who haven't betrayed them horribly...

So my envy is healthy. It means that I can still feel. And maybe someday, I will have a family, too. For now I have my best friend, I have other friends, like Bunny, Alex, Nathan, other Nathan, Danny, and now Paul is on Facebook. Then there is Gigi and her family who are sort of like family, a cautious precarious family.... but something....... last Christmas it felt like family. Just writing that out, and re-reading it, make me happy. Also, Meroe-- she is awesome, too. I am glad that I messaged her today. She was a great co-worker and friend to me years ago, before I got hurt.

But 6 close people... of them only 5 I know in real life, 2 I've just met, one I met in the last year, and then the other two live far away, so it's hard. But, it's something. I love you guys.