Male Rape and Rape Culture... mgtow?

Sandman is a YouTube user I was referred to because I watch: The Amazing Atheist, Armoured Skeptic, Sargon of Akkad, Thunderf00t . And I had no idea what MGTOW was... so I watched his videos explaining about men going their own way. He often takes in $20 donations and if given good subjects will speak about them. Here is one that has been pissing me off mostly because social justice warrior feminazi's have been all over rape culture.

David was a viewer who donated money to have [this video] "false rape claims" discussed. "Especially how they affect men, even after the man is proven innocent." Which is a topic that I particularly get really upset about. (That whole article calls physical sexual harassment full on assault. I was more sexually harassed during middle school and high school and only my mother tried to help me, no teachers cared. She had to call the district.) I was very close friends with a man who is a registered sex offender because his wife didn't want to get a divorce, it'd look bad in the eyes of the church. So what does she do? She got their two little girls to lie to the police about things their dad never did to them, thinking that once she ruined his life she could tell the truth and damage undone, right? Well, no, once you're on that list, you're not off it. I lived with him for a while, when I was like a size 2!, and he was completely paternal to me. I mean he could have done the creepy-old-guy-hitting-on-girl-that-could-be-daughter-thing but he didn't. We only lost touch really because I moved 2,000 miles away and we are both bi-polar and depressed people. I should shoot him an email and see how he is... anyway.

 Sandman goes on to point out that third wave feminists cannot find statistics to prove wrong, that is claims of false rape. Much akin to people who believe in paranormal or aliens (or religion), if you cannot prove them wrong, despite that the evidence they have perhaps cannot be 100% disproved, that 0.001% unknown variable allows them to argue that they are correct. This is why they claim that there is a "rape culture".

The largest rape culture that you see in the USA is in our male prison system, and nearly everyone turns a blind eye to the problem. People make jokes at the expense of the victims. It is a horrible and violent crime that has become a huge source of humor to our society, which shows just how much of a bias and double standard that we have for men vs. women. Why are feminists not realizing that more men are raped than women during an average year? Don't they realize that no one seems to be addressing the issues about male victims, either? RAINN doesn't count them at all! So many are dedicating time and resources for female victims, but in comparison to the sheer amount of males, nothing is being done. You're only a victim of rape, if you're a certain kind of male victim. I think that's a rape culture, and it's men who're suffering it.

About 200,000 men are raped in prison each year... So then there is another figure of men and women, and boys and girls being abused of just under 300,000. So like 40% of our sexual assault victims each year are being ignored, made fun of, beaten, silenced, and everyone knows and doesn't care. (for some reason I got on a tangent and wound up on the social security's website looking at step's after approval... ahem... there was a political debate about $12 vs $15/hr 15 being more than I ever made which I found from Star wars.. but the min wage- SSI income.. Before that I was at Star Wars off ABC news which I had clicked on from the 200k men article above. So ADHD)

The only other rape culture that actually exists is among cultures that encourage rape, though. Most feminists who are around now are so rich and privileged that they never run into the type of girl or woman who might suffer from a real rape culture in the U.S. or visiting from abroad. Rape culture is alive and well in many third world countries, but third world feminists seem to care more about ruining my video games than actually helping child brides.

Sandman mentions that the first time that he learned about rape was an episodes about Matlock where a woman was beaten and raped by soldiers and then had to be taken to the hospital. The word conjures up images from that episode for him. I must admit that I am surprised, because whenever I hear the word I keep going back to my first boyfriend; I'm trying desperately to shove him off me, and screaming for him to stop. My hands are in fists punching his chest it's like a wall. I am screaming for mercy and in pain. The pain was so overwhelming it took my breath away for a while. I wonder if other people have specific scenes in their mind at the word?

Apparently someone that Sandman knew in university was "falsely accused" of rape and lost all of his friends. Why? The girl sobered up and had regrets about sleeping with him. No one would even talk to him. The women all hated him... even though he did nothing. I facepalm so hard- if this is true. I listened to this a second time proofing this.

Sandman is a hard narcissist though, and admits that this guy friend was a full of himself jerk, too. The girl "dropped charges", he said. He didn't say that she recanted. Maybe his friend really was a rapist? I mean it's not like it's something that a Canadian man is going to brag about to his friends when he's a pariah. They're not big on crime.

But because alcohol was involved I am inclined to think that the girl was like, "omg I cannot believe I slept with that douchebag... I didn't want it, he coerced me into it.. I was tipsy, I was trying to wriggle away from him, ya know? ... asking him to slow down... stop?" I could totally see that having had happen... but equally because of the way cops react to rape I could see having happened that she was brutally assaulted and the cop made her describe every last detail, and then she was told that she would have to repeat her story in front of a judge, two lawyers, the accused, and several other law officials and she dropped charges because she was a sobbing wreck after just reporting it to a single cop.

[article proposal of Roosh- after bad PR he claimed it was "satire" but it was heavily edited and obviously was not ment to be satire, as there was no original mention of his sister.] I actually shamed a guy who supported the idea of Roosh V's idea [video] of legalizing rape on private property, of removing his video supporting it... by describing the rape that is most vivid in my mind. I'll mix my own experience with a drunk sorority girl. I didn't mean to shame him to take it down, but I wanted to make him think.

So TRIGGER WARNING:

I could also see Sandman's buddy having done the following...:
She was kissing a guy who she thought that she knew, someone that for sure she cared about and trusted, and he was holding her so close. Words sweetly whispered in hair as hands caressed sides and legs enter-tangled and lips graced the sides of a neck. Suddenly, or perhaps just sudden for a moment, there is a tug upwards at a shirt and a smug relent as she let it come off with a smirk upon her face so she could allow him to give her attention. Everything so far she was enjoying with a haze of alcohol. His shirt was then demanded off, only to be fair.. perhaps his pants, too? No, no, she says, he can keep them on, but he discards them anyway, for comfort he reassures. Then he is wanting to tug her pants down, too, wishing to give her nethers attention as her hands are already roaming below his waist... He suggests that he might perform oral on her, and she blushes, and as he slowly drags the pants off her ankles he comes back to her face and kisses her. His hands are down there, they have not been down there yet [tonight], she is flushed...

Then she realizes that there is something wrong. Her face becomes stern, the tipsiness fades, she is sober, and she firmly says, "No, don't!" He smiles, sadistically, already knowing that it's too late and her hands are on his shoulders, legs trying to knee him, but suddenly he's inside her, ripping her insides apart. She screams out from pain. "Noo!!" The wind is knocked out of her for a moment, the sheer force and pain is stunning. After he gets to pace does she finally come back to.

Tears in her eyes she looks at her friend, "Please... stop! Stop!" he looks her in the eye, before looking away, it is chilling. Her hands can't push his body off. Her legs cannot get leverage in the awkward position that they are caught in. She can only cry out in pain and wait undignified until he is gratified with pleasure and finished before she can limp away home...

FIN

With me there was no alcohol, only innocence and naivety and someone who was already threatening my life. He could get into my apartment any time that he wanted to... the lock didn't work, and he knew exactly how to jimmy it. He regularly harmed me, and eventually I just came to realize that if you fight less, you get hurt less. I was a minor at the time and neither my parents or police would help me, not even people at my school would.

(Okay, um, Sandman's friend would probably NO WAY be a sadistic psycho like my ex to be fair lol. I mean how the fuck do you meet the eye of your victim and be like, yeah... suffer.... and continue?! I mean, there is a reason he's been in and out of jail for doing this to other women. I have a restraining order ready to go in case he locates me again!)

False rape accusations affect men, but then, it affects women, too. I was 17 dating a violent young man with a thirst for violence. Once he wasn't just happy enough with beating me, he finally decided it was time to turn me into an object for his sexual satisfaction. I fought tooth and nail, but to no avail, I couldn't win, and then I was thrown out into the street, barely able to walk, bleeding hard, limping home. If I had KNOWN police would have listened to me, protected me, I would have gladly had gone to them, but one thing I learned a long time ago- they do not help you. (<-story of a woman who actually got fined for filing false charges, but later her rapist was found and convicted, he had her ID.)

Unless perhaps you have some money to bribe a police officer with, you should stay clear of those particular men, the women in uniform seem alright though- but it could be because I am female. It sickens me that I've been ... coerced to turn to cops a few times in my life... They weaseled their way in, found out there was an assault upon me, insisted upon gathering information after I asked them to leave me be, and at the end of it? They upset me by asking me a bunch of questions for no reason and refusing to help, although acknowledging, yes, I was illegally assaulted.

I have been raped by a few men, I have never on-the-record told a police officer about any of it. Why? Because they will just ask more questions about it, dredge up the memories, make you relive every second of the first and last time it happened with the male you mentioned, and then shrug their shoulders. It is a viscous cycle between police becoming so jaded they don't believe real victims so real victims never reporting crimes, and fake rapes being reported more than real ones because the real ones are silent because we're rightfully scared.

One last thing digs at me... A woman's lifetime is a long time. So a chance of being raped, is it what, per life, per 25 years, per decade, per year? I was drugged and raped when I was twelve by a neighbor, at least once. (The drugging part makes it hazy, and repression.. large chunks of childhood are gone.) That is the furthest and clear-headed thing I can recall. But I was also molested by a female and male repeatedly between 6 and 11. So is this a stat of one kid abused or a kid three time abused? Or was at age twelve you count that a young woman raped? Does it discount when my first boyfriend did it later after I was done developing?

Okay... so I Google'd it... it says 1/5 women in their lifetime will be a victim of rape, or attempted. Now I have to call bullshit on this. I only know have had two female friends who weren't raped. Where are they getting their statistics? Maybe I just meet a lot of fellow messed up people.

"there is an average of 293,066 victims (age 12 or older) of rape and sexual assault each year." So do they not count the men or women who have been raped before in their lives? lol... I'm one of the square pegs in a round hole.

So the real rape culture is left for women with third world cultures and countries... human trafficking... Male prison culture is heavy with rape culture and it is probably the most ingrained within normal American society. After all, like I pointed out, RAINN will only help certain male sexual victims... if that's not a rape culture in the U.S., what is?

That's not "really" rape...

After months of isolation... finally I can reemerge online. My back pain has ruled my social life, making going out nearly impossible. In the interim time I've learned a lot as a person and I've also seen a lot from humanity that has made me cringe and wished to belong to another species.

 Well, most recently was something that happened today, with my roommate, Abdul. We had a discussion about how characters, good and bad, can be relateable. I agree that even a terrible murderer who is the worst villain in some show, yes they can have a part of a back story that is relateable, it is meant to be written that way... But, we diverged on whether or not horrible people in movies and TV can be good people.

According to Abdul, the scum that walks the earth and murders and rapes with no reason, they can be "good people", as long as you can relate to them. My opinion is that if you wantonly commit horrendous crimes, you are NOT a good person, despite if I empathize that you were sexually abused as a child, like I was. (Do you see me killing people? No.)

To offer examples I am going to have to give some spoilers of Breaking Bad, and then Walking Dead. End spoilers will be written when done.

SPOILERS

 A character who is a main character in Breaking Bad falls into crime because he is trying to get money for his family, while he still is able to... In the process he eventually becomes a cold killer, who doesn't even blink at death any longer-even almost killing a kid-, and he becomes selfish and self-involved in what he is doing. He reaches a point that he no longer needs money, and he is merely involved in crime, violence, and harming others, even his family, merely because he enjoys it.

I say that he has become a bad person. My roommate says that he is still a good person because once he was good. The character is extremely like my father, though. My father was a wonderful parent and person before my mother died, but after she died he changed. He became cold hearted and distant, he became so self-involved with his new life, he forgot his family and children... Himself and his happiness and his new love's happiness was all that he focused on. I no longer think of my father as a good person, because he isn't. That good person died in both the TV character mentioned above, and my father. I can sympathize with them both though.

The lead ring-leader bad guy in Breaking Bad was another person professed as being "good" by my friend, Abdul. This was a person who would use children to help sell drugs, order the death of said children, and would purposely try to manipulate things to set up massacres. Abdul countered that the people dying were involved with the drug selling even minimally... but who cares? Killing people is ...killing people. So killing a little boy who is selling drugs makes it okay because he was selling drugs? He also enjoyed to psychologically and emotionally torture this old man who had killed someone he had deeply cared for many years ago. Eye for eye, doesn't mean justice, man... (Ragtime quote)

So Abdul says that the ring-leader is a "good" person, once again because you can relate to traits and life events here and there. How does relate-ability turn into morality? It seems to be a more common way of thinking in my generation and age group. I become disgusted by acts of characters, but still recognize that sure, they had a hard past, but they'll get defended tooth and nail. I'm even an actor and a writer, so I know how to get into the head of messed up characters, I've had to do it for performances and for writing. This character as a young man, he seemed to be good, but obviously became obsessed to get revenge one day... and he felt that he eventually got it.

Walking Dead's second leading man Shane (have to be a little less vague here) who is best friend to Rick-the leader of the group- in both comic and show- he is a horrible person... but you can really relate. The wife of the leader, you can relate to, too, and she carries a burden of sin, too.

Shane lies about his best friend being dead to his friend's wife, Lori... then begins sleeping with her, taking emotional advantage. Then later when she's pregnant, and it's obviously his, he is upset that he can't be with her. He grows jealous of his best friend becoming a more responsible leader of the small survival group that they are in, when the power was not thrusted away, Shane did not know what he was doing. He us envious of losing his love, his leadership, and begins to act out. Finally his best friend's little boy isn't even allowed to be alone with him because he is acting so chaotically, the little boy he was a father to until his best friend returned.

The comic and the show diverge on how he dies, but I like how he dies in the comic more. He eventually raises a gun to Rick's back, his best friend! and takes aim. He knows that if he kills him, he can get his family back, his leadership back, his power back, and he'll get his baby when she's born... but then he is shot from behind by the little boy who is the son of Lori... and the boy is devastated that he had to shoot a real person, and not a zombie, to save his dad... he had to shoot his uncle.

I think that Shane was a terrible person to lie to Lori way before he ever even raised a gun to his unarmed best friend's back. But, Abdul? Yeah, good person... because there is character depth. How is there morality in trying to destroy the life of someone who used to be your best friend.. when the world is falling apart. They've managed to remain a happy family, and he's trying to destroy it... that is just horrible.

END SPOILERS

So does that mean everyone who commits infidelity, or contribute to it, is a bad person? No, it doesn't. People can make mistakes, especially if under stressful conditions. Getting into the grey area of such extreme jealousy that you begin to plot killing another, assuming another person's life, and kidnapping another's child; this is where problems begin.

There was another point that came up and it made me snap like a taut piece of fiber, strung snugly and stretched well beyond where it should be stretched... In one of the examples of terrible people actually being good people I had provided an example of bad behavior that was rather bothersome to me: forceful sex. 

My roommate said "Well it didn't count as rape at first!"

I was floored, "'No, stop it!'" I mimicked the character, forcefully but calmly repeated the scene, "Doesn't count?!"

"Well, no, not really." he replied. "I mean it has to be more than that!"

"So when she went like... 'No, stop it!.. Hold on! No, no...'" I was still not reaching the point where the character has lashed out physically, "Did that count as unwanted sex yet? I mean she was saying no and stop, that's rape, right?"

"No that's not really rape, that was just rough sex," Abdul replied coolly.

So it wasn't until she screamed "Stop it!" that it would have been rape to him. Being a rape victim, I am aware that if you fight too much being raped can be more painful because a guy may try beat the shit out of you, or forcefully have sex with you. If you were in a robe and fought too much, you might need stitches from the damage that could be done. Submission after some physical and verbal fighting isn't agreement.... 

But to Abdul, apparently it is. Consent is assumed, even if a girl fights and repeatedly says no, and asks for it to stop. How many more men think like this? Has Abdul raped girls? He thinks that rape is okay, obviously...




edit: Sharia law in the UK, supports rape.
Abdul grew up as a Muslim, but he is no longer one... but I wonder, maybe this is why he thinks rape is ok.

"...Take also al-Darsh’s successor as president of the ISC, the aforementioned Maulana Abu Sayeed, who remains one of the organisation’s three trustees to this day. A cleric who sits in judgment over the marital disputes heard in its courtrooms, he made headlines in 2010 by telling an influential blog that men who rape their wives should not be prosecuted, because ‘sex is part of marriage’.

‘Clearly there cannot be any rape within the marriage. Maybe aggression, maybe indecent activity,’ he said.

Abu Sayeed added that women who say they have been raped should not immediately go to the police. Many of them are lying, he claimed, ‘because they have got this idea of so-called equality, equal rights’.

Asked about those outwardly misogynistic comments, the ISC said: ‘Maulana Abu Sayeed is a deeply respected scholar. He was quoting traditional Islamic discussion regarding rape within marriage.’ "

Faking and Censoring

Being candid is not something I quite do on this blog, mostly because it has gotten me in trouble in the past. How? People I knew read it, told other people to read it, who told others, and then realized who I was writing about, but as I see it, this is my personal space to let go, and let out my feelings.

I rent a room with a family currently, for about a year now. What really crawls under my skin is that I have severe back issues in the form of five disc herniations. I began writing this after the internet had been down for about 14-15 hours, and the mother told me to wait for the father to come home... Why? Because I will hurt my back... Yet they gladly want me to ignore doctor's orders about lifting over 5 lbs to take like kitchen trash out. So when I don't take that out, they get upset at me. I would gladly remove it, if I could. Their five year old can literally lift more weight than I can, which makes me feel like an idiot.

So just to be clear, and because I actually have had physical therapy exercises where I kneel down, I asked my therapist about kneeling down to reset the damn router for the internet. She told me that it was not harmful what so ever. She pretty much told me, if it doesn't hurt, go for it.

The mother is just a huge %*#& for no good reason a lot of the time, and I am left completely clueless. She reminds me of my step-mother. Her youngest daughter tries to show me affection, it pisses her off. I go to cook food and eat it in the kitchen, it pisses her off. So next time I eat my food in my room, that pisses her off. I bathe, that pisses her off. My back hurts, that pisses her off.

So the middle daughter, like mother like daughter, she has moods where she has hated my guts and then tolerated me. I am unsure how much this is being monitored. For a while I knew that the severely creepy brother of the father, who was old enough to be my dad, was cyber-stalking me... He was also peeking in my window, too. But the middle daughter, she got into some trouble and had her door removed.

My father threatened me many times about removing my door when I live with him, but he never actually did it... so I was offended when, let's say, on Dannie's behalf, her step-dad actually went thru with it! But as her boyfriend would wait for her to and would or would not be in the house, he began to become a friend of sorts, which lead to  some disclosure. Many of her friends have lightly befriended me, and I have heard wild stories spun by Dannie about me, supposedly from my mouth. It really digs at me, especially because it is public and online, that there are outlandish stories being told by Dannie about me lying and faking things.

While doing poorly in high school, and goofing around since then, apparently Dannie got a degree in neurology, psychiatry, and psychology, at least, to be able to make the claims that she says about me. 

"Mandi fakes seizures, real seizures people foam at the mouth. I know cause I've seen it in movies and stuff." So Dannie has said. Well my main neurologist, and a second one I saw while hospitalized disagree. When I first described my seizures Dr. Abbi finished what I was describing, for me... I was stunned, she got me! She understood!! Apparently mine are uncommon, but still common enough. I have epileptic and non-epileptic seizures. They are super painful to go through so they are no fun at all... I also feel super embarrassed afterwards....... so I don't like having them. With my current medicine regimen I think I have solved it!

"Mandi tries to steal my boyfriends." Well... I have heard this one before. Dannie makes her men and friends wait up to 3 or more hours to finish getting ready to leave to where they are going... meanwhile as a member of the household, I feel obligated to politely speak to them until Dannie takes them, cause I usually have answered the door, and she doesn't say a word to them....... So because I am kind, friendly, and don't make people wait for hours to pick me up, I am more of a people person.

"Mandi tries to seduce my male friends." Um... all of directly above, and apparently when I first moved in there was an incident that I got out of the shower and didn't know there were people over and I was in a towel and opened the bathroom door to a buncha people.... which I was so humiliated from. I have large breasts, shirts often look sexy on me without me trying... I don't need to seduce.

But there is more... I'd heard this in the past and was hearing it again, but a lot more. Making me out as a villain makes her look like a victim which makes her more attractive because a guy would want to protect her. If it comes up, I don't really deny being survivor of sexual abuse and rape. I don't see myself as a victim, it happened, I have gotten past that, but my willingness in dating and life started rather late because I was victimized and abused... for real, unlike some people. But because Dannie says such wild things about me, when people meet me they are like surprised I am not a crazy person. 

Then one day Dannie's boyfriend talked to me because he was upset, so I humored him. We talked and I offered him resources I had received from a social worker, cause we are both kinda poor, lol. But later I found out, when he said, that he had to lie about talking to me and I immediately was like, "Yeah if you have to lie to Dannie about talking to me about getting resource help, I shouldn't be here, and you both need to work on your trust issues." Because he had said things to me that granted reasons for him to be untrustworthy. To be honest, he is a kind guy, but she is nice, too, and pretty, and sweet... And the way he treats her sometimes, I think she could do better. I get annoyed with Dannie, but it is almost like we're fighting siblings at this point in time.... except she is way kinder than my real sister.

So after I told off her bf that I wouldn't talk to him again, even about additional resources again, unless he got an OK from Dannie, he backed off. Ugh, she asked him why he'd been texting me as a set-up for him to fall into, and he did... she caught him. The idea that I would like him makes me cringe. He pretends to be nerdier than he is. Dannie and I know WAY more about comics than he does. He thought Rocket Raccoon was created JUST for Guardians of the Galaxy!! Seriously !!!! Also he is not intelligent enough... I made that mistake once before, and I realize I need a more intelligent guy. But to top it off, when I was offering resources he was totally not that interested in a roof over his head... he wanted me to do ALL the work, which pissed me the #*%& off.

So yesterday I had a rescheduled appointment with my back surgeon's office. It was supposed to be last week, but... ah well. Turns out... turns out... my blood pressure is very low, and a surprising amount of adults steal their crayons.

They used to have a body chart where you would draw a pattern to match how you felt where, now they use crayons, which people now break or steal, which I find highly amusing, but I have to admit, it is much easier than the old method because the pains overlap. By the time we finally got to the damned office... (we were parked across the street and I was pushed in my wheelchair over... I was in SO much pain omfg!!!!)

Without realizing it, I've been overdosing, ever-so-slightly, on my blood pressure medication... meaning that when I was not in pain, or in mild pain, I've been weak and light headed and I didn't know the reason... but now I do. Another thing that people think I fake. My weakness and diziness... but sometimes it is so bad I've fallen over, but I don't have a way to check my blood pressure at home, so I don't realize right away if it's been lower than normal, like it has been lately.

Sometimes in waiting rooms, especially at the E.R. my best friend has told me to, "tone it down" oh and in public... like cry not to loud, stop rubbing my leg so much, stop pulling my hair so hard, stop clawing my arms or face so hard........ but the pain is so bad tone is something I really don't give a shit about. I don't care if a nurse thinks I am faking if pulling my hair distracts me from thinking my leg could just necrotize and fall off any moment. ((Become dead tissue like what frostbite does, from the inside out and fall off.))

Why do I have to change MY behavior because there are bad fakers out there?! When it feels like there is a vice on your leg or spine and every moment it is getting a little tighter, and any second now, it is going to break bone, split tissue, everything will spill out open to the air.... I cry.... It is @*%&ing hard to make me cry from pain anymore. 

When they gave me a caudal epidural, up through the tail bone, I felt like I was dying for days. But now it has gotten so bad I feel that pain from other things now. I have fell off a swing as a kid, flown twenty feet and landed on my neck and head, I broke my collarbone, completely like -_ break yeah ouch, that was nothing, but my pain that is constant is like that collarbone pain... I can't believe I thought that was bad, lol.

So because of how I look, my medical history, and how I behave, it determines how I am treated. I look too put together, I am too young to have such back injuries, and I know too much about pharmacology and medicine. Basically my brains, looks, and injury #*$% me over. I also handle my pain well, and because my dose of blood pressure medication is high, is disguises my pain, too. Then, because so many kids, and adults, abuse pain meds today, I look suspicious just begging for a way to be able to go home and hobble from my bed to kitchen and back. Often a Toradol shot makes me happy! (it is an NSAID, so it is super similar to Advil/ibuprofen, naproxen, etc.)

Someone will come in and see my list of medication and say, "Wow, you're on some powerful medications..." or they will ask what I am taking and once I tell them, and also I explain I haven't taken anything yet today, or like I took a single one in the last 24 hours, they say, "Well that is some strong stuff, and you're still in pain?" Despite if I claim I took one like 2 hours ago, or if I said I didn't take one, they will assume I took like 5. Even if I tell them I took a pill 3 days ago and ran out due to being unable to see my doctor....

"That stuff if usually given to people with cancer," The doctor stares at me, trying to intimidate me. Every time.....
"I am aware... I have a nast allergy to morphine, should be in my chart, which is why I am on the lowest dose of hydromorphone. Oxycodone doesn't help me much, it just makes me high, which I don't like," I explain, EVERY TIME... And the doctor always looks at skeptically. One of these days I should just let them inject morphine into me and swell up and scream in agony till my throat swells and be like, 'See? Morphine SULFATE allergy... lol."

"How much do you take in a day?" the doctor or nurse will ask me.
"I can take like up to 2 at the most, maybe 2 and 1/2, but usually I take none. I go days without it." I explain. I know what the doctor is going to hear. They have selective hearing.
"Okay, so 2.5 a day." The doctor replies and I wanna punch them in their balls.
"That's not what I said," I hiss annoyed, but I have been labeled a junkie now, nothing I say matters.

The last time that I was hospitalized I kept crying because I was in so much pain... According to the staff they were "Giving the medicine you take at home" which meant they were offering oral norco, and no hydromorphone/Dilaudid... A lot of norco leads to getting high and no real pain relief if I'm hurting super bad. So they just kept overdosing past what I was supposed to take in a day. I would even not ask for it, and it would be in with other pills, and I wouldn't spot it and realize after the fact I had taken it.

Finally they shoved it in my face and kept telling me to take it, and so to prevent myself being strapped down, I just took the damned pills... So I learned I had to cry quietly or else. When I was discharged I was treated like a major junkie though. Yeah, the staff forced me to take way more narcotics than I wanted, and then calls me a junkie. I was content to just cry in pain and try a heat pack, but the nurses weren't. Dr. Herman, my back surgeon, had said something about fixing my pain the night before I left, so I wanted to ask into it before I left and one of the nurses was super pissed that I was staying behind. Finally she said to me, "Do you not have all you pills at home?" no... I have pills...
"Do you need pain pills then?!" NO, I don't need pain meds I----
"Okay what pain pills do you want?" O : I was speechless at this point. "No I just wanted to know if Dr. Herman had scheduled an appointment or left a note, that's all!!!" She was offering essentially a blank rx..... which is highly illegal.

When I was brought into the hospital it was because I couldn't care for myself. I was struggling to walk with a walker, let alone prepare food, incontinence, severe pain, and weakness and so much more. Much of that is degrading and humiliating, who would fake that for something so low as a norco high, when you can score that on the street easily? Mostly the incontinence... Depends are expensive, same with protective bedding pads and rash creams. I also have issues with public restrooms when it come to urinating ugh....

As for the seizures, it isn't just my roommate Dannie who thinks I fake, ignorant medical personnel sometimes don't know better. I legally am not supposed to be driving until I can prove I have them controlled. They are super painful and embarrassing as hell. Who would want to fake that, for those costs?!

But I haven't even had an aura (the sensation you have before a seizure, for some people) for a while, but the pain is wearing me down. I went to that appointment yesterday and it got me a recommendation, but pain management doctors were the ones who have made me feel worse in the past. The irony of their name is not lost on me.

So because I am stuck at home so much, doing exercises that leave me in pain, hurt, and hopefully stronger, I blog. I had to block this guy Carlos from my blog because he's become so obsessive over me, and he's intruded upon my life so much, I've tried to avoid blogging about him at all, for fear of him finding out and freaking out and stalking me/obsessing over me more.

I blocked Carlos's Google+ from my blogger, so that means that he must have gone and either signed out to view my profile, made a new account, or done something. He is extremely un-savvy with computers (he doesn't even have one). A few weeks back I went to EQLA which was a convention for My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic and it was supposed to be awesome, instead it was terrible, and I have had to keep it to myself until now.

Carlos.

Apparently Allen my bestie warned him about me and hotels and how it could be a huge PTSD trigger, and I didn't know that Carlos was warned. If anything it seemed like maybe someone gave him a pep-talk of yes, bother and ignore the girl's pleas to stop until the girl screams. It's like guys who think it's not rape unless the girl puts up a super feverish fight with like a lot of violence, but if you know you are going to lose, it's less painful to just submit and get it over with.

So after he kept wanting hugs, touching my shoulders and arms and hands constantly in an intimate way, like a lover would do, I began freaking out, before we even left for the Con we were going to. I don't mind a guy touching me in a flirty way, but touching me in a way that is perverted and lusty bothers me severely, because it implies sex super heavily. Carlos is an extremely sexually minded person, too, to the point I asked him not to follow me on Twitter because I don't want people to see someone like him following me on Twitter... he follows too much adult entertainment. That is alright and his life, but when he lustily stares at me, and touches me, it is super inappropriate, especially in public and in places where I cannot get away because I am restrained, like a car with a seat belt. It makes me feel dirty and causes a lot of bad PTSD memories to surface.

I will admit I offered to go on a couple dates with him, but that was a very long time ago. I tried to politely explain to him why I didn't want him as my boyfriend, but ever since then, it is as if he has tried to win, purchase, forced, and seduce my affection. A friend of mine cleverly said "girls don't like it when you try really hard," which I object to. A guy trying hard is not an issue, but someone who is not sincere in feelings and remains so, they've lost. I've already dated too many selfish guys who don't have respect for me, my body, my space, and my feelings.

If Carlos reads this I know it will probably crush him, but the messed up thing is, I blocked him from reading this blog, so he had to gone out of his way to read it... At the hotel at the convention he constantly followed me. Every time I leave my house, he actually seems to find out, and it is bordering on stalking behavior, especially because he wants to come along! I was hoping I could remain friends with him, but a disturbing text he sent me a couple days ago shows me that he has grandiose feeling and memories that at one point we were in love, when I've never been in love with him... I've only felt bad for him, as a human.

Allen and I have tried to explain what respect means to Carlos many times, but he never understood... so he cannot understand why I will sever our friendship because he is borderline stalking me. He has become less respectful. He always blames other people or things instead of taking responsibility. 

I really wanted to remain friends, so as I write this I am crying, cause I feel like a terrible person... but I've already had two boyfriends who had to know where I was every minute of the day... we're just friends and he is doing that- so... I can't keep talking to him it seems.

 

Then I hear a knock on my door and I am given notice to vacate. Going to be homeless again. Of course Carlos and my father will want to "help" in their severely messed up way that offers no aid, and is a huge joke and makes me just angry. Why do people offer "help" that is of no actual help?

Medical Molestation? Silence Ends Here!

I figured that I would concisely write this all out, before posting much else. It has taken me weeks to work the nerve to write any of this.

At first I sort of talked about it to my best friend...


I figured that I would concisely write this all out, before I would post any videos, or release the disturbing audio of the police refusing the help me... the police actually going as far as to blame me that I had not taken proper steps immediately after the assault to cause penalties towards the doctor, or to actually receive help... despite every thing they said I should have done, I had done within 48 hours of the ER release--and I felt like crap physically and then emotionally, too.

 WARNING: there are some dark things and subjects ahead, reader discretion is advised.

At first I sort of talked about it to my best friend...

Brackets indicate things that have been added during editing. [previous unrelated conversation....]



[10/12/2014 9:34:44 AM] Neptune Fallen: OKAY Maria Sr [the mother of the father of the family I am renting a room from- she has taken residence up in our living room for the last month ugh], she kind of like speaks to me in Spanish expecting me to understand, but she is nice I guess.... sort of...

[10/12/2014 9:35:59 AM] Neptune Fallen: She is a total bitch in other regards. She is not accepting of gays or a lot of other things, and she treats people really mean. She was guilting Tony [the dad of the family I live with] for not helping her with things because he had work, like "Oh why wouldn't you help me? My nephew did (who has no job) why can't you?"

[10/12/2014 9:36:24 AM] Neptune Fallen: So when she came here I saw a lot of her bitchy behavior. But she's been nice to me.

[10/12/2014 9:36:29 AM] Neptune Fallen:  Kind of like M***.

[10/12/2014 9:36:46 AM] Best Friend: Watch how people treat others to get a good gauge of them

[10/12/2014 9:36:53 AM] Best Friend: You can't just look at how they treat you

[10/12/2014 9:37:00 AM] Neptune Fallen: So like 30 min ago, I went to get some water----she treats **** the WORST [person who is step child to the father in the house.]

[10/12/2014 9:37:15 AM] Best Friend: If they're undeservedly mean to them, then they have the capacity to be undeservedly mean to you.

[10/12/2014 9:37:22 AM] Neptune Fallen: And she was on the phone talking to people, family I think from the way they were talking.

[10/12/2014 9:39:01 AM] Neptune Fallen: And I had 3 [empty water] bottles, I went to fill up the first one, and after I was like 90% done, like a shot in my back it hit and I let out a gasp. My legs went out, I couldn't stand, they wouldn't support so much weight, and I grasped at the fridge as I tried to support as much weight as I could, but that wasn't much, as I went to the floor.

[10/12/2014 9:39:50 AM] Neptune Fallen: Finally in pain, I was lying on the floor, trying not to cry out in pain, hoping that she wouldn't notice. I kept glacing over, but she seemed absorbed in her conversation, looking the other way. I had fallen down pretty quietly. [I purposely bit back noises of pain, and sliding to the floor hoping that she wouldn't notice what was happening.]

[10/12/2014 9:39:58 AM] Neptune Fallen: It took a lot of effort.

[10/12/2014 9:40:50 AM] Neptune Fallen: So finally when I glace [back] over [in her direction] I noticed she was glancing my way, still on the phone, speaking in Spanish to people, still sounded like friends or something, and finally she gets off and tries to get me up.

[10/12/2014 9:40:58 AM] Neptune Fallen: I say no, no no... [trying to wave her away.]

[10/12/2014 9:41:41 AM] Neptune Fallen: She keeps trying to grab my arm to get me up, but I shake my head, I can't... Then I say "my walker", and make a gesture. and she understood. She'd seen me with it yesterday.

[10/12/2014 9:41:58 AM] Neptune Fallen: So she goes and grabs it, and she helps me up, actually grabbing my arm and helping me up.

[10/12/2014 9:43:04 AM] Neptune Fallen: The second person in the house, next to A*****, to actually help me like this, but she was more honest and concerned. She spoke words of comfort and urging as I cried out in pain and tried to get to my room. She helped to push my walker along.

[10/12/2014 9:43:44 AM] Best Friend: That's nice of her

[10/12/2014 9:43:57 AM] Neptune Fallen: So I get to my room, let the walker go to grab onto things to crawl into my bed and she stands there for a minute before I say thanks and give her a thumbs up, despite panting and whimpering.

[10/12/2014 9:44:21 AM] Neptune Fallen: She then shows up with the bottle I'd filled and she watches as I down like 8 pills. [Yes, all at once...]

[10/12/2014 9:44:26 AM] Neptune Fallen: I know.

[10/12/2014 9:44:49 AM] Neptune Fallen: Then she leaves before I can try to ask about the other two bottles... which I feel bad asking for, lol.

[10/12/2014 9:45:11 AM] Neptune Fallen: And she is knocking on K's door, and then K shows up at my door and says, "What happened?"

[10/12/2014 9:45:57 AM] Neptune Fallen: "Oh, I just fell at the fridge trying to get water," I say, like it is nothing, which I feel it is. I fall all the time. I fell twice yesterday!

[10/12/2014 9:46:13 AM] Neptune Fallen: "Well the ambulance is on its way." [K says, and I am thinking immediately ........shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit...."

[10/12/2014 9:46:38 AM] Neptune Fallen: "You called an ambulance? Oh fuck!" I reply before I can think. [Because before I thought about, am I hurt? Why did I fall? Do I need other meds? I hear ambulance and equate that to "oh fuck", and it usually comes out of my mouth before I can stop it.]

[10/12/2014 9:47:14 AM] Neptune Fallen: "I didn't mean to say that... I'm sorry... oh god... just... ugh," and like seconds later she moved out of the way cause there was a paramedic [already who had arrived and was in the hallway. Maria Sr. must have called 911 before she helped me up, and they were en route as I tried to get to my bed, but I don't know Spanish so I couldn't stop her and say- Yo I don't need paramedics.]

[10/12/2014 9:47:46 AM] Best Friend: >.<

[10/12/2014 9:47:53 AM] Neptune Fallen: "What happened?" [The paramedic who first approaches my bed asks,] and I had to explain everything. According to what he had [heard], I fell, was unconscious at the fridge, and he was urging me to go to the hospital.

[10/12/2014 9:48:31 AM] Neptune Fallen: And I was like," no, I have chronic pain and back issues, I see Dr. Herman at VCMC, I am waiting to see a specialist in L.A. I know like all the ER doctors at VCMC, they'd be annoyed to see me."

[10/12/2014 9:48:58 AM] Neptune Fallen: "Well you shouldn't not go to the ER because you are afraid to upset the doctors," he said.

[10/12/2014 9:49:40 AM] Neptune Fallen: And I facepalm, "Well like I've been told like I shouldn't come back." He asks normal questions, anything new, did I hit my head, [lose consciousness, nausea, feeling in limbs- which I normally have issues with lack of feelings] etc etc.

[10/12/2014 9:50:00 AM] Neptune Fallen: Again [he] urges me to come with them to the ER.

[10/12/2014 9:50:43 AM] Best Friend: If you went to the ER everytime you fell you'd be at the ER more than you're at home

[10/12/2014 9:51:47 AM] Neptune Fallen: I am like "This happens a lot, like all the time. She is new to living here, and she doesn't speak English so I couldn't explain that to her." 

So I sign a release that I am ignoring medical advice, and I also asked about my room, and he said that it could be cleaner but it's not like condemnable like Tony's mother's house way (which is what Tony was worried about), so after they left I picked up.

[10/12/2014 9:52:19 AM] Neptune Fallen: I also told them that I kind of need things near my bed to GET into my bed cause I fall and need to lift myself into it a lot.

[10/12/2014 9:52:34 AM] Neptune Fallen: and ROFL at your comment, esp at how long they take to see people. [VCMC takes hours to see people at their ER.]

[10/12/2014 9:53:51 AM] Neptune Fallen: So they left finally, and I was alone, I thanked Maria, knowing her intention was good, and she helped me a lot with the walker and getting to my bed. Christie I was able to ask her to fill my other water bottles, and then finally I explained this to you.

[10/12/2014 10:13:08 AM] Neptune Fallen: I might fall asleep cause I took so much pain medication




So sometimes I get pulled into the ER without mine wanting to be...  I wanted to talk about what had happened when I went to the ER recently, but it was just easier to talk about the mishap with the paramedics. I grabbed my My Little Pony Princess Cadance plushie and cried.
So when you are left helpless, scared, alone, weak, and you cannot do anything, what are you supposed to do? I've called paramedics for myself on occasion, the following are excerpts of a conversation with a best friend of mine since 2006, and his wife has also suffered horrors in the in the hospital and health care system.


11/30/14 8:37PM begin conversation


Neptune Fallen to Bird:
So when I went to see the big name surgeon in downtown Los Anegels I had to go and get my medical records from one hospital, and I was like okay.... I got all set and psyched to get this done, I sat down and asked well how much would it be for the last, say, maybe 6 months? I had over 13 hospitalizations, and it was well over 100 pages of notes. So I was kind of stunned that I didn't really register being admitted and staying that many nights in the hospital that much in the past few months. So I suggested perhaps, maybe 6 months? It went down to perhaps 70 pages... So I just requested information on the last few hospitalizations that specifically regarded my back.

I am actually overdue for a stay it seems! [after I had this conversation I have been admitted to the hospital overnight once, and gone to the E.R. six times on three different occasions.] So, have I gotten worse than your birdy? I am so lmao right now. I've gotten so pathetic rofl.

Bird to Neptune Fallen:
My birdy has her own set of issues right now >.<

Neptune Fallen:
Oh no, what's been going on now?

Bird: 
Nah, you need to have a lot of strength to deal with all you have.

Neptune Fallen: 
It is just so funny because people think I exaggerate when I say I have NO idea how many times, or much, I am in the hospital, I just know that it is "a lot".

Bird: 
And we dunno,a while ago she got sick with something like the flu, and now she has a lot of problems thinking. Gets headaches, stutters and cant think of words. other day she couldn't understand the words i was saying

Neptune Fallen: 
omg... that's not good... I was having issues like that for a while, but it was related to my seizures--- Still trying to get that resolved.

Bird: 
Yeah, not sure what is going on. she doesn't have insurance, so hasn't seen anyone. she forgets a lot, gets confused easy. will get dizzy randomly..

Neptune Fallen: 
That sounds like something neurological. I mean, I don't technically have insurance, but I see doctors all the time. I have medicaid which is a state-paid program until I can get medicare which is the federal program recognized that I am perma-disabled.

She doesn't have medicaid?? or a county-run program? With Obama-care she should qualify for medicaid, it is pretty easy now. It used to be like, you had to have a kid.
If not, maybe you need to look to move to another state where she can get care...

Bird: 
She got rejected. Couldn't prove she didn't have a job, and now she's just scared of what it might be, so won't reapply.

Neptune Fallen: 
But I was having [oh and am still having!] headaches, issues with my sight, dizziness, lightheadedness, feeling that I was falling, trouble speaking, trouble comprehending, and seizing, and I have a lovely, er have a couple lovely cysts in my brain, too though...

She has to reapply. [I had to, several times. I reapplied for food stamps yesterday again. The worker I have has gotten used to me to the point he was sort of blank expression-ed that somehow the feds changed my address from 16 to 15 so I was not notified of the cancellation of my food until the date came to get it, and the food money wasn't there.]

Bird: 
She won't. [It can take hours to apply each time, often workers can be rude and course, and it is very inducing of anxiety. I know from experience.]

Neptune Fallen: 
You can only reapply insisting that you don't have a job. Esp with such serious symptoms she could be seen at an ER ASAP to be honest...

Bird: 
a lot of those symptoms she has. and trouble breathing too... she wont go :(
I know. and she'll just freak out.
yeah, its hard

Neptune Fallen: 
It's why I am not on SSI yet; it's scary and hard.
But basic health care like the ER? There have been a handful of times in the past couple years that my life was saved by me going to the hospital...
 ...more than a handful or severely hampering my health

Bird: 
Yeah, but she will refuse. last time she went to the hospital they nearly killed her.

Neptune Fallen: 
How?

Bird: 
left her with a broken hip sitting in the waiting room of the ER for 7 hours.

Neptune Fallen:
She wasn't seen as a priority?

Bird: 
Guess not, doctor seemed to think she was faking it until he saw an xray.

Neptune Fallen: 
I mean, I've been to a shit hospital, too.... so I know my risks, but I've learned I have to speak up sometimes, like when I needed my gallbladder removed ASAP. But what happened, actually I could see it being believable. When I needed my gallbladder removed I had to go to a different hospital to get surgery for removal because it was so urgent. I had already been in hospitalized at VCMC for like a week previously a couple days previously and they said it was just stomach upset! 
They began to ignore me, Sib began getting their attention saying that a doctor had said I needed surgery immediately...He harassed them. But it was the right thing-it got the job done.
I was screaming in pain, and the thing nearly burst infectious puss all into my body. They got it out like a few hours within due time.

Bird:
That sucks: :( I don't trust then at all either anymore. And the damage is done with her. She keeps saying she'd rather die than go to a hospital again..

Neptune Fallen: 
I've been there... feeling like that. VCMC is like that.The ER can be worse than home, why do you think I haven't gone yet? [At this point in time I was having seizures several times a day, many were knocking me unconscious] It services so many people, so many uninsured like me, that the wait is usually several hours until you see a doctor.

Bird: 
Ugh

Neptune Fallen: 
Yeah, I've traveled hours away to be seen at other ERs Maybe you need a different hospital. [I wound up going again to Santa Paula to fix the seizures.]
I would bet you that is 90% the problem. It pains me to know that all of that is going on.  ...last time I went to the nearest ER the doctor finger fucked my ass with unnecessary force.. [This was the first time I mentioned it, I tried to down play it humorously...]

Bird: 
wtf!?

Neptune Fallen: 
Maybe sexual thrill? letting off steam? getting off on making me cry? I dunno
he fingered my ass...
with more than one finger... 

Bird: 
why?

Neptune Fallen:
a rectal exam may be professional with one single gloved finger
...like single finger one insertion, but he didn't do that, and it wasn't gentle [the link shows 2 fingers lubing, 1 inserting]. I have no idea.
I'd blocked it from my head until now actually.

Bird: 
why were you getting a rectal exam anyway? was it even necessary?

Neptune Fallen: 
It could have been [Usually it might be done if there is NO history to suggest back injury, but I have a long history and even a scar showing that I have had spinal surgery, and the paramedics came and I had no joint reflex, and couldn't get up!], but he really thought that I was faking my back pain and leg weakness.
I collapsed in my house, my legs gave out, and I couldn't walk, so that was why I called 911
He though I was trying to score pain meds I think.

The nurse was a bitch, too, she didn't believe that I hadn't taken my pain meds since the night before, so when he came in, looked over my chart skeptically, glanced at me and was like, "So you're in severe pain, let's give you Tylenol."

I replied, "I have my pain medicines with me, I just didn't take them because I didn't want to contraindicate anything from here... can't I take something that might actually help me?"

He said, "No. Don't take any of your meds, the Tylenol will help. Then we'll give you an MRI." Then he smirked at me, like the MRI would show that my back was perfectly fine.

By this time I had been crying and screaming out in pain for over 30 minutes, biting into my hoodie to try to muffle my cries, and the nurse came with the Tylenol and I reluctantly took it because it was such a high dose it is bad for the liver. I asked if I could have more water and she rudely replied, "NO". I waited over 2 hours for the MRI, and for one of those hours I was crying and shivering and asking everyone who passed my room for a blanket.

One really kind male nurse kinda went omg, here lemme get you blankets! I thanked him so much, so the second hour I wasn't as cold, but the pain was still there. Tylenol of course didn't help my nerve pain, so I was screaming and pissing off the staff. So I spit-took some of my own pain pills hoping to stem my pain and stop upsetting the staff that already thought I was faking and with every cry I was pissing off more and more.

I was able to use the phone and could talk to people thankfully. I was not crying alone. That helped me a lot after being assaulted, like, maybe I couldn't be assaulted as long as that phone was there. Then suddenly after hours and shivering and crying, someone came and told me it was time for the MRI.

The tech helped me into the wheelchair. He seemed to treat me as if I may or may not actually be hurt. During the MRI I was screaming like hell though. MRI's without good painkillers for me are the worst. For lumbar spinal, lower back, MRI's you have to lie on your back on the table, straight and be still.

That position is one of the most painful positions for me to be in for a period of time, after 5 minutes the pain from my spine flares into all areas of my back and legs. I was screaming so much that I made my throat very hoarse. The poor tech kept asking if I needed to stop, but I said, "No, we can keep going." Because I knew it needed to be done; if only to just show my attacker that I actually was not faking, oh and the bitch nurse. I hadn't screamed that much since I got epidurals, lol.

So after the MRI I nearly passed out trying to get into the wheelchair. The poor tech had to give me a paper towel for me to wipe the tears and snot on my face, lol. I was wheeled back, helped back onto the cot in the ER room, and I lied down on my left side, most comfortable position, and got immediate relief. 10/10 down to like 8.7/10 pain, lol. I was still crying and biting my hand to the point it was bruising.

Bird: 
What a fucker

Neptune Fallen:
Within 10 minutes the bitch nurse came in, but she didn't have that hard look on her face and she proffered pills at me with water. I looked at her like, wtf is that?

"Here." she said, expecting me to just take the medicine without knowing what it was. I mean I have fucking medicine allergies! I also am on other medicines, I am not gonna take strange pills I don't recognize!

"Sorry, what are those?"

"Dilaudid and Zofran," she stated, her voice wasn't harsh, it actually had a bit of sympathy in it. I was in so much pain I took the pills and water and downed the. Dilaudid is the hardest Narcotic I take for pain, it can be up to 7.5 times stronger than morphine, and Zofran is popular anti-nausea medication. [A doctor recently told me that the molecules that make up Dilaudid is just slightly different than heroin... O_O ]

After 30 minutes the nurse returned with the doctor in tow and the doctor didn't have that same sadistic look on his face from earlier. I mean, when he first saw me, he had been cold, stonewall, and rude, suddenly he was like sympathetic and concerned. He asked what had happened to me that caused my back to be so bad, while the nurse began to put an IV into me. I asked what was going on with the IV.

"You're still crying out in pain, we're going to give you IV Dilaudid," the doctor said. The doctor who assaulted me, thought I was trying to score narcotics by faking an injury, and gave me Tylenol after I had already explained what had happened to my back was finally giving me something for my pain that would be help to me, hours after I arrived.

"Well, as I already said, I had spinal surgery already. I have spinal stenosis [narrowing of the spinal column that causes pressure on the spinal cord, narrowing the openings where the nerves leave the spinal column; associated with pain and other symptoms.], spondylothesis [forward displacement of a vertebra over a lower segment; a condition in which the vertebra in the spine slips out of the proper position onto the bone below it.], and radiculopathy [pain in the low back that radiates out from the spine and out into the legs (sciatica)] that's going down my legs really bad. I was home alone and I just couldn't handle the pain, and I was trying to go the bathroom, but my legs gave out on me all of a sudden, it happens sometimes, but usually if I've been walking or something, not if I've been lying down." I explained everything, again, and he was nodding, looking at me with understanding, and he actually seemed like he actually cared. I was holding back the tears as I suddenly felt the Dilaudid flood into my body. I felt Heady, and I clutched the Cadance My Little Pony that was in my pocket tightly. Why was he being so nice all of a sudden?! This time I guess he listened and believe me though.

He said that I should see my nuero-surgeon again... despite that I'd been written off by my surgeon and the doctors at the University of Southern California. He also recommended pain management, which often involved narcotics. The doctor who thought I was after narcotics was saying I should seek out narcotics. Things were hazy and he left the room, I relaxed and I began to try to decipher what to do next, what had happened...

Bird:
They thought my little bird was a drug addict, too.

Neptune Fallen:
It happened to me a lot. I look young, I am in my 20s... well sort of, if I run into a doctor I know, lol, like at VCMC the doctors may KNOW me now I go so often! /facepalm. But, if I have Sib with me, I never have been assaulted.

Bird:
That's probably a good thing... Are you okay? That sounds like it was horrible. (the finger fucking, I mean.)

Neptune Fallen: 
It's only been when I've been alone that I have been assaulted like that.
No, not really...
It was almost as bad as this female nurse who essentially used an object to vaginally rape me. [link to what should have been done.]

Bird: 
Oh? what happened?

Neptune Fallen: 
That hurt worse, cause she was just sick and MFing twisted as hell.
She used an ultrasound unit, which is a rather large instrument to be inserted, penetrating a lot more than was needed. I can read ultrasounds now. She saw what she needed after a few seconds... she took minutes... over 20 min....

She didn't any lube either
There was blood all over afterwards...
sorry I mean enough lube, she used like maybe a 1/5 of what was needed.

Bird: 
What a fucking bitch. hope you reported her too. -hugs- I can't believe how often shit like this seems to happen to you. Makes me even less trusting of taking my birdy to a hospital

Neptune Fallen: 
Every time I would whimper or cry she would like press harder or further in.
I did omfg... I did report her.
Just stay with her if you go to the hospital. I mean I have issues involving my bladder and bowel, and my legs, so that's why my pants come off so often.
Checking rectal tone, by putting a finger that is lubed gently inside the rectum and having someone squeeze down is actually something I am used to. 90% of the time it is not even uncomfortable... (possibly because I barely can feel it... which is a wonder what that doctor did, cause he managed a lot of pain when I didn't have many nerves functioning lol.)

50% of the time I can't squeeze the finger. Which isn't good.

Bird: 
:( no... I'm sorry you have to deal with so many sick perverted doctors too. My birdy would never be able to cope with something as horrible as that anywhere near as well as you do. hope they both got fired...

Neptune Fallen: 
Well the finger thing is a more normal protocol regarding spinal cord injuries.
It actually is a medical test to check to see if things are working.
That doctor is just.... I have no idea
He thought I was faking, it's why he gave me Tylenol, and told me not to take my own pain meds despite how much I was screaming, crying, and the obvious (to him, I guess fake) pain I was in.... Or he assumed that I was already doped up on the meds.

I mean I said I hadn't taken my pain meds, I asked, nearly begged, if I could take them now, he said no, I could have Tylenol, and he insisted that it would stem ALL my pain!
After the MRI they brought me a hydromorphone (Dilaudid) and then gave me more Dilaudid in an IV. No other doctor has ever given me as much pain medicine as he did, I mean in that short of time. I got so high my speech became slurred. I was so alarmed I asked the nurse what was wrong with me and she laughed at me. She was all like, "You just got so much Dilaudid that's what's wrong with you." As if I should know what's wrong cause I probably doped up all the time or something.


And the ultrasound thing she was a nurse, she probably lost her job.
Oh heh, I can get WoW General chat to stop talking about rape by saying "giving a bj is more fun than having it shoved in somewhere"
Lol.

Bird: 
Hope so, before she hurt anyone else. Birdy still isn't okay with any intimacy with me, something like that would just destroy her...

lol! that stopped them?

Neptune Fallen: 
It did. That is how you stop the trolls. I never would have guessed! I was tired of seeing the rape talk. It stopped the entire chat actually. I think they might have been like omg irl girl! or omg gay guy! Probably the first. Or think I am a GM with a dark sense of humor

So, I've gotten more comfortable with my body ever since the time in the ER Sib was holding my hand and 3 nurses were putting a catheter in my urethra and 2 other nurses popped inside to ask a few questions. So 3 men and 2 women were all looking at my nether region, and Sib was still holding my hand, and I just bust out laughing as a passing doctor stopped by to ask something of the goddamn nurse who was up in my stuff, too

It isn't sexual... at all. All of them, it was professional.
We make it sexual. That nurse and doctor I mean, I think THEY made it sexual....
Or at the very least highly inappropriate. A butt is for pooping. There's probably over a hundred people who have seen my vagina.
Maybe hundreds by now, I dunno how many times I've been in the hospital! I've been cath'd a lot. It usually takes 2-3 nurses to try, fail then succeed. >_>

Bird: 
Yeah, they cath'd her when she broke her hip. bugged the hell out of her and she was drugged and in shock at the time. All she really cared about the entire time she was there is getting them to take it out. And they threatened her, telling her she would die without it before she would even let them

Neptune Fallen: 
That wasn't necessarily a threat with a broken hip.Her bladder could easily overfill and her kidneys begin to shut down, which... leads to dying... If you have to stay in bed and can't do much moving, or have impairedness in feeling of the urological system or control it actually can be a life or death thing.

I've been to the ER JUST to get a cath, to prevent organ damage, cause for a while I couldn't release the pee, my bladder would get distended and I would have the urge to go, for hours, and it would just sit there. Urine putting pressure, harming my kidneys, at first I hated it, but when you haven't urinated for over a day, omfg.... a catheter, I don't care if there are 1000 people watching .