Medical Molestation? Silence Ends Here!

I figured that I would concisely write this all out, before posting much else. It has taken me weeks to work the nerve to write any of this.

At first I sort of talked about it to my best friend...


I figured that I would concisely write this all out, before I would post any videos, or release the disturbing audio of the police refusing the help me... the police actually going as far as to blame me that I had not taken proper steps immediately after the assault to cause penalties towards the doctor, or to actually receive help... despite every thing they said I should have done, I had done within 48 hours of the ER release--and I felt like crap physically and then emotionally, too.

 WARNING: there are some dark things and subjects ahead, reader discretion is advised.

At first I sort of talked about it to my best friend...

Brackets indicate things that have been added during editing. [previous unrelated conversation....]



[10/12/2014 9:34:44 AM] Neptune Fallen: OKAY Maria Sr [the mother of the father of the family I am renting a room from- she has taken residence up in our living room for the last month ugh], she kind of like speaks to me in Spanish expecting me to understand, but she is nice I guess.... sort of...

[10/12/2014 9:35:59 AM] Neptune Fallen: She is a total bitch in other regards. She is not accepting of gays or a lot of other things, and she treats people really mean. She was guilting Tony [the dad of the family I live with] for not helping her with things because he had work, like "Oh why wouldn't you help me? My nephew did (who has no job) why can't you?"

[10/12/2014 9:36:24 AM] Neptune Fallen: So when she came here I saw a lot of her bitchy behavior. But she's been nice to me.

[10/12/2014 9:36:29 AM] Neptune Fallen:  Kind of like M***.

[10/12/2014 9:36:46 AM] Best Friend: Watch how people treat others to get a good gauge of them

[10/12/2014 9:36:53 AM] Best Friend: You can't just look at how they treat you

[10/12/2014 9:37:00 AM] Neptune Fallen: So like 30 min ago, I went to get some water----she treats **** the WORST [person who is step child to the father in the house.]

[10/12/2014 9:37:15 AM] Best Friend: If they're undeservedly mean to them, then they have the capacity to be undeservedly mean to you.

[10/12/2014 9:37:22 AM] Neptune Fallen: And she was on the phone talking to people, family I think from the way they were talking.

[10/12/2014 9:39:01 AM] Neptune Fallen: And I had 3 [empty water] bottles, I went to fill up the first one, and after I was like 90% done, like a shot in my back it hit and I let out a gasp. My legs went out, I couldn't stand, they wouldn't support so much weight, and I grasped at the fridge as I tried to support as much weight as I could, but that wasn't much, as I went to the floor.

[10/12/2014 9:39:50 AM] Neptune Fallen: Finally in pain, I was lying on the floor, trying not to cry out in pain, hoping that she wouldn't notice. I kept glacing over, but she seemed absorbed in her conversation, looking the other way. I had fallen down pretty quietly. [I purposely bit back noises of pain, and sliding to the floor hoping that she wouldn't notice what was happening.]

[10/12/2014 9:39:58 AM] Neptune Fallen: It took a lot of effort.

[10/12/2014 9:40:50 AM] Neptune Fallen: So finally when I glace [back] over [in her direction] I noticed she was glancing my way, still on the phone, speaking in Spanish to people, still sounded like friends or something, and finally she gets off and tries to get me up.

[10/12/2014 9:40:58 AM] Neptune Fallen: I say no, no no... [trying to wave her away.]

[10/12/2014 9:41:41 AM] Neptune Fallen: She keeps trying to grab my arm to get me up, but I shake my head, I can't... Then I say "my walker", and make a gesture. and she understood. She'd seen me with it yesterday.

[10/12/2014 9:41:58 AM] Neptune Fallen: So she goes and grabs it, and she helps me up, actually grabbing my arm and helping me up.

[10/12/2014 9:43:04 AM] Neptune Fallen: The second person in the house, next to A*****, to actually help me like this, but she was more honest and concerned. She spoke words of comfort and urging as I cried out in pain and tried to get to my room. She helped to push my walker along.

[10/12/2014 9:43:44 AM] Best Friend: That's nice of her

[10/12/2014 9:43:57 AM] Neptune Fallen: So I get to my room, let the walker go to grab onto things to crawl into my bed and she stands there for a minute before I say thanks and give her a thumbs up, despite panting and whimpering.

[10/12/2014 9:44:21 AM] Neptune Fallen: She then shows up with the bottle I'd filled and she watches as I down like 8 pills. [Yes, all at once...]

[10/12/2014 9:44:26 AM] Neptune Fallen: I know.

[10/12/2014 9:44:49 AM] Neptune Fallen: Then she leaves before I can try to ask about the other two bottles... which I feel bad asking for, lol.

[10/12/2014 9:45:11 AM] Neptune Fallen: And she is knocking on K's door, and then K shows up at my door and says, "What happened?"

[10/12/2014 9:45:57 AM] Neptune Fallen: "Oh, I just fell at the fridge trying to get water," I say, like it is nothing, which I feel it is. I fall all the time. I fell twice yesterday!

[10/12/2014 9:46:13 AM] Neptune Fallen: "Well the ambulance is on its way." [K says, and I am thinking immediately ........shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit...."

[10/12/2014 9:46:38 AM] Neptune Fallen: "You called an ambulance? Oh fuck!" I reply before I can think. [Because before I thought about, am I hurt? Why did I fall? Do I need other meds? I hear ambulance and equate that to "oh fuck", and it usually comes out of my mouth before I can stop it.]

[10/12/2014 9:47:14 AM] Neptune Fallen: "I didn't mean to say that... I'm sorry... oh god... just... ugh," and like seconds later she moved out of the way cause there was a paramedic [already who had arrived and was in the hallway. Maria Sr. must have called 911 before she helped me up, and they were en route as I tried to get to my bed, but I don't know Spanish so I couldn't stop her and say- Yo I don't need paramedics.]

[10/12/2014 9:47:46 AM] Best Friend: >.<

[10/12/2014 9:47:53 AM] Neptune Fallen: "What happened?" [The paramedic who first approaches my bed asks,] and I had to explain everything. According to what he had [heard], I fell, was unconscious at the fridge, and he was urging me to go to the hospital.

[10/12/2014 9:48:31 AM] Neptune Fallen: And I was like," no, I have chronic pain and back issues, I see Dr. Herman at VCMC, I am waiting to see a specialist in L.A. I know like all the ER doctors at VCMC, they'd be annoyed to see me."

[10/12/2014 9:48:58 AM] Neptune Fallen: "Well you shouldn't not go to the ER because you are afraid to upset the doctors," he said.

[10/12/2014 9:49:40 AM] Neptune Fallen: And I facepalm, "Well like I've been told like I shouldn't come back." He asks normal questions, anything new, did I hit my head, [lose consciousness, nausea, feeling in limbs- which I normally have issues with lack of feelings] etc etc.

[10/12/2014 9:50:00 AM] Neptune Fallen: Again [he] urges me to come with them to the ER.

[10/12/2014 9:50:43 AM] Best Friend: If you went to the ER everytime you fell you'd be at the ER more than you're at home

[10/12/2014 9:51:47 AM] Neptune Fallen: I am like "This happens a lot, like all the time. She is new to living here, and she doesn't speak English so I couldn't explain that to her." 

So I sign a release that I am ignoring medical advice, and I also asked about my room, and he said that it could be cleaner but it's not like condemnable like Tony's mother's house way (which is what Tony was worried about), so after they left I picked up.

[10/12/2014 9:52:19 AM] Neptune Fallen: I also told them that I kind of need things near my bed to GET into my bed cause I fall and need to lift myself into it a lot.

[10/12/2014 9:52:34 AM] Neptune Fallen: and ROFL at your comment, esp at how long they take to see people. [VCMC takes hours to see people at their ER.]

[10/12/2014 9:53:51 AM] Neptune Fallen: So they left finally, and I was alone, I thanked Maria, knowing her intention was good, and she helped me a lot with the walker and getting to my bed. Christie I was able to ask her to fill my other water bottles, and then finally I explained this to you.

[10/12/2014 10:13:08 AM] Neptune Fallen: I might fall asleep cause I took so much pain medication




So sometimes I get pulled into the ER without mine wanting to be...  I wanted to talk about what had happened when I went to the ER recently, but it was just easier to talk about the mishap with the paramedics. I grabbed my My Little Pony Princess Cadance plushie and cried.
So when you are left helpless, scared, alone, weak, and you cannot do anything, what are you supposed to do? I've called paramedics for myself on occasion, the following are excerpts of a conversation with a best friend of mine since 2006, and his wife has also suffered horrors in the in the hospital and health care system.


11/30/14 8:37PM begin conversation


Neptune Fallen to Bird:
So when I went to see the big name surgeon in downtown Los Anegels I had to go and get my medical records from one hospital, and I was like okay.... I got all set and psyched to get this done, I sat down and asked well how much would it be for the last, say, maybe 6 months? I had over 13 hospitalizations, and it was well over 100 pages of notes. So I was kind of stunned that I didn't really register being admitted and staying that many nights in the hospital that much in the past few months. So I suggested perhaps, maybe 6 months? It went down to perhaps 70 pages... So I just requested information on the last few hospitalizations that specifically regarded my back.

I am actually overdue for a stay it seems! [after I had this conversation I have been admitted to the hospital overnight once, and gone to the E.R. six times on three different occasions.] So, have I gotten worse than your birdy? I am so lmao right now. I've gotten so pathetic rofl.

Bird to Neptune Fallen:
My birdy has her own set of issues right now >.<

Neptune Fallen:
Oh no, what's been going on now?

Bird: 
Nah, you need to have a lot of strength to deal with all you have.

Neptune Fallen: 
It is just so funny because people think I exaggerate when I say I have NO idea how many times, or much, I am in the hospital, I just know that it is "a lot".

Bird: 
And we dunno,a while ago she got sick with something like the flu, and now she has a lot of problems thinking. Gets headaches, stutters and cant think of words. other day she couldn't understand the words i was saying

Neptune Fallen: 
omg... that's not good... I was having issues like that for a while, but it was related to my seizures--- Still trying to get that resolved.

Bird: 
Yeah, not sure what is going on. she doesn't have insurance, so hasn't seen anyone. she forgets a lot, gets confused easy. will get dizzy randomly..

Neptune Fallen: 
That sounds like something neurological. I mean, I don't technically have insurance, but I see doctors all the time. I have medicaid which is a state-paid program until I can get medicare which is the federal program recognized that I am perma-disabled.

She doesn't have medicaid?? or a county-run program? With Obama-care she should qualify for medicaid, it is pretty easy now. It used to be like, you had to have a kid.
If not, maybe you need to look to move to another state where she can get care...

Bird: 
She got rejected. Couldn't prove she didn't have a job, and now she's just scared of what it might be, so won't reapply.

Neptune Fallen: 
But I was having [oh and am still having!] headaches, issues with my sight, dizziness, lightheadedness, feeling that I was falling, trouble speaking, trouble comprehending, and seizing, and I have a lovely, er have a couple lovely cysts in my brain, too though...

She has to reapply. [I had to, several times. I reapplied for food stamps yesterday again. The worker I have has gotten used to me to the point he was sort of blank expression-ed that somehow the feds changed my address from 16 to 15 so I was not notified of the cancellation of my food until the date came to get it, and the food money wasn't there.]

Bird: 
She won't. [It can take hours to apply each time, often workers can be rude and course, and it is very inducing of anxiety. I know from experience.]

Neptune Fallen: 
You can only reapply insisting that you don't have a job. Esp with such serious symptoms she could be seen at an ER ASAP to be honest...

Bird: 
a lot of those symptoms she has. and trouble breathing too... she wont go :(
I know. and she'll just freak out.
yeah, its hard

Neptune Fallen: 
It's why I am not on SSI yet; it's scary and hard.
But basic health care like the ER? There have been a handful of times in the past couple years that my life was saved by me going to the hospital...
 ...more than a handful or severely hampering my health

Bird: 
Yeah, but she will refuse. last time she went to the hospital they nearly killed her.

Neptune Fallen: 
How?

Bird: 
left her with a broken hip sitting in the waiting room of the ER for 7 hours.

Neptune Fallen:
She wasn't seen as a priority?

Bird: 
Guess not, doctor seemed to think she was faking it until he saw an xray.

Neptune Fallen: 
I mean, I've been to a shit hospital, too.... so I know my risks, but I've learned I have to speak up sometimes, like when I needed my gallbladder removed ASAP. But what happened, actually I could see it being believable. When I needed my gallbladder removed I had to go to a different hospital to get surgery for removal because it was so urgent. I had already been in hospitalized at VCMC for like a week previously a couple days previously and they said it was just stomach upset! 
They began to ignore me, Sib began getting their attention saying that a doctor had said I needed surgery immediately...He harassed them. But it was the right thing-it got the job done.
I was screaming in pain, and the thing nearly burst infectious puss all into my body. They got it out like a few hours within due time.

Bird:
That sucks: :( I don't trust then at all either anymore. And the damage is done with her. She keeps saying she'd rather die than go to a hospital again..

Neptune Fallen: 
I've been there... feeling like that. VCMC is like that.The ER can be worse than home, why do you think I haven't gone yet? [At this point in time I was having seizures several times a day, many were knocking me unconscious] It services so many people, so many uninsured like me, that the wait is usually several hours until you see a doctor.

Bird: 
Ugh

Neptune Fallen: 
Yeah, I've traveled hours away to be seen at other ERs Maybe you need a different hospital. [I wound up going again to Santa Paula to fix the seizures.]
I would bet you that is 90% the problem. It pains me to know that all of that is going on.  ...last time I went to the nearest ER the doctor finger fucked my ass with unnecessary force.. [This was the first time I mentioned it, I tried to down play it humorously...]

Bird: 
wtf!?

Neptune Fallen: 
Maybe sexual thrill? letting off steam? getting off on making me cry? I dunno
he fingered my ass...
with more than one finger... 

Bird: 
why?

Neptune Fallen:
a rectal exam may be professional with one single gloved finger
...like single finger one insertion, but he didn't do that, and it wasn't gentle [the link shows 2 fingers lubing, 1 inserting]. I have no idea.
I'd blocked it from my head until now actually.

Bird: 
why were you getting a rectal exam anyway? was it even necessary?

Neptune Fallen: 
It could have been [Usually it might be done if there is NO history to suggest back injury, but I have a long history and even a scar showing that I have had spinal surgery, and the paramedics came and I had no joint reflex, and couldn't get up!], but he really thought that I was faking my back pain and leg weakness.
I collapsed in my house, my legs gave out, and I couldn't walk, so that was why I called 911
He though I was trying to score pain meds I think.

The nurse was a bitch, too, she didn't believe that I hadn't taken my pain meds since the night before, so when he came in, looked over my chart skeptically, glanced at me and was like, "So you're in severe pain, let's give you Tylenol."

I replied, "I have my pain medicines with me, I just didn't take them because I didn't want to contraindicate anything from here... can't I take something that might actually help me?"

He said, "No. Don't take any of your meds, the Tylenol will help. Then we'll give you an MRI." Then he smirked at me, like the MRI would show that my back was perfectly fine.

By this time I had been crying and screaming out in pain for over 30 minutes, biting into my hoodie to try to muffle my cries, and the nurse came with the Tylenol and I reluctantly took it because it was such a high dose it is bad for the liver. I asked if I could have more water and she rudely replied, "NO". I waited over 2 hours for the MRI, and for one of those hours I was crying and shivering and asking everyone who passed my room for a blanket.

One really kind male nurse kinda went omg, here lemme get you blankets! I thanked him so much, so the second hour I wasn't as cold, but the pain was still there. Tylenol of course didn't help my nerve pain, so I was screaming and pissing off the staff. So I spit-took some of my own pain pills hoping to stem my pain and stop upsetting the staff that already thought I was faking and with every cry I was pissing off more and more.

I was able to use the phone and could talk to people thankfully. I was not crying alone. That helped me a lot after being assaulted, like, maybe I couldn't be assaulted as long as that phone was there. Then suddenly after hours and shivering and crying, someone came and told me it was time for the MRI.

The tech helped me into the wheelchair. He seemed to treat me as if I may or may not actually be hurt. During the MRI I was screaming like hell though. MRI's without good painkillers for me are the worst. For lumbar spinal, lower back, MRI's you have to lie on your back on the table, straight and be still.

That position is one of the most painful positions for me to be in for a period of time, after 5 minutes the pain from my spine flares into all areas of my back and legs. I was screaming so much that I made my throat very hoarse. The poor tech kept asking if I needed to stop, but I said, "No, we can keep going." Because I knew it needed to be done; if only to just show my attacker that I actually was not faking, oh and the bitch nurse. I hadn't screamed that much since I got epidurals, lol.

So after the MRI I nearly passed out trying to get into the wheelchair. The poor tech had to give me a paper towel for me to wipe the tears and snot on my face, lol. I was wheeled back, helped back onto the cot in the ER room, and I lied down on my left side, most comfortable position, and got immediate relief. 10/10 down to like 8.7/10 pain, lol. I was still crying and biting my hand to the point it was bruising.

Bird: 
What a fucker

Neptune Fallen:
Within 10 minutes the bitch nurse came in, but she didn't have that hard look on her face and she proffered pills at me with water. I looked at her like, wtf is that?

"Here." she said, expecting me to just take the medicine without knowing what it was. I mean I have fucking medicine allergies! I also am on other medicines, I am not gonna take strange pills I don't recognize!

"Sorry, what are those?"

"Dilaudid and Zofran," she stated, her voice wasn't harsh, it actually had a bit of sympathy in it. I was in so much pain I took the pills and water and downed the. Dilaudid is the hardest Narcotic I take for pain, it can be up to 7.5 times stronger than morphine, and Zofran is popular anti-nausea medication. [A doctor recently told me that the molecules that make up Dilaudid is just slightly different than heroin... O_O ]

After 30 minutes the nurse returned with the doctor in tow and the doctor didn't have that same sadistic look on his face from earlier. I mean, when he first saw me, he had been cold, stonewall, and rude, suddenly he was like sympathetic and concerned. He asked what had happened to me that caused my back to be so bad, while the nurse began to put an IV into me. I asked what was going on with the IV.

"You're still crying out in pain, we're going to give you IV Dilaudid," the doctor said. The doctor who assaulted me, thought I was trying to score narcotics by faking an injury, and gave me Tylenol after I had already explained what had happened to my back was finally giving me something for my pain that would be help to me, hours after I arrived.

"Well, as I already said, I had spinal surgery already. I have spinal stenosis [narrowing of the spinal column that causes pressure on the spinal cord, narrowing the openings where the nerves leave the spinal column; associated with pain and other symptoms.], spondylothesis [forward displacement of a vertebra over a lower segment; a condition in which the vertebra in the spine slips out of the proper position onto the bone below it.], and radiculopathy [pain in the low back that radiates out from the spine and out into the legs (sciatica)] that's going down my legs really bad. I was home alone and I just couldn't handle the pain, and I was trying to go the bathroom, but my legs gave out on me all of a sudden, it happens sometimes, but usually if I've been walking or something, not if I've been lying down." I explained everything, again, and he was nodding, looking at me with understanding, and he actually seemed like he actually cared. I was holding back the tears as I suddenly felt the Dilaudid flood into my body. I felt Heady, and I clutched the Cadance My Little Pony that was in my pocket tightly. Why was he being so nice all of a sudden?! This time I guess he listened and believe me though.

He said that I should see my nuero-surgeon again... despite that I'd been written off by my surgeon and the doctors at the University of Southern California. He also recommended pain management, which often involved narcotics. The doctor who thought I was after narcotics was saying I should seek out narcotics. Things were hazy and he left the room, I relaxed and I began to try to decipher what to do next, what had happened...

Bird:
They thought my little bird was a drug addict, too.

Neptune Fallen:
It happened to me a lot. I look young, I am in my 20s... well sort of, if I run into a doctor I know, lol, like at VCMC the doctors may KNOW me now I go so often! /facepalm. But, if I have Sib with me, I never have been assaulted.

Bird:
That's probably a good thing... Are you okay? That sounds like it was horrible. (the finger fucking, I mean.)

Neptune Fallen: 
It's only been when I've been alone that I have been assaulted like that.
No, not really...
It was almost as bad as this female nurse who essentially used an object to vaginally rape me. [link to what should have been done.]

Bird: 
Oh? what happened?

Neptune Fallen: 
That hurt worse, cause she was just sick and MFing twisted as hell.
She used an ultrasound unit, which is a rather large instrument to be inserted, penetrating a lot more than was needed. I can read ultrasounds now. She saw what she needed after a few seconds... she took minutes... over 20 min....

She didn't any lube either
There was blood all over afterwards...
sorry I mean enough lube, she used like maybe a 1/5 of what was needed.

Bird: 
What a fucking bitch. hope you reported her too. -hugs- I can't believe how often shit like this seems to happen to you. Makes me even less trusting of taking my birdy to a hospital

Neptune Fallen: 
Every time I would whimper or cry she would like press harder or further in.
I did omfg... I did report her.
Just stay with her if you go to the hospital. I mean I have issues involving my bladder and bowel, and my legs, so that's why my pants come off so often.
Checking rectal tone, by putting a finger that is lubed gently inside the rectum and having someone squeeze down is actually something I am used to. 90% of the time it is not even uncomfortable... (possibly because I barely can feel it... which is a wonder what that doctor did, cause he managed a lot of pain when I didn't have many nerves functioning lol.)

50% of the time I can't squeeze the finger. Which isn't good.

Bird: 
:( no... I'm sorry you have to deal with so many sick perverted doctors too. My birdy would never be able to cope with something as horrible as that anywhere near as well as you do. hope they both got fired...

Neptune Fallen: 
Well the finger thing is a more normal protocol regarding spinal cord injuries.
It actually is a medical test to check to see if things are working.
That doctor is just.... I have no idea
He thought I was faking, it's why he gave me Tylenol, and told me not to take my own pain meds despite how much I was screaming, crying, and the obvious (to him, I guess fake) pain I was in.... Or he assumed that I was already doped up on the meds.

I mean I said I hadn't taken my pain meds, I asked, nearly begged, if I could take them now, he said no, I could have Tylenol, and he insisted that it would stem ALL my pain!
After the MRI they brought me a hydromorphone (Dilaudid) and then gave me more Dilaudid in an IV. No other doctor has ever given me as much pain medicine as he did, I mean in that short of time. I got so high my speech became slurred. I was so alarmed I asked the nurse what was wrong with me and she laughed at me. She was all like, "You just got so much Dilaudid that's what's wrong with you." As if I should know what's wrong cause I probably doped up all the time or something.


And the ultrasound thing she was a nurse, she probably lost her job.
Oh heh, I can get WoW General chat to stop talking about rape by saying "giving a bj is more fun than having it shoved in somewhere"
Lol.

Bird: 
Hope so, before she hurt anyone else. Birdy still isn't okay with any intimacy with me, something like that would just destroy her...

lol! that stopped them?

Neptune Fallen: 
It did. That is how you stop the trolls. I never would have guessed! I was tired of seeing the rape talk. It stopped the entire chat actually. I think they might have been like omg irl girl! or omg gay guy! Probably the first. Or think I am a GM with a dark sense of humor

So, I've gotten more comfortable with my body ever since the time in the ER Sib was holding my hand and 3 nurses were putting a catheter in my urethra and 2 other nurses popped inside to ask a few questions. So 3 men and 2 women were all looking at my nether region, and Sib was still holding my hand, and I just bust out laughing as a passing doctor stopped by to ask something of the goddamn nurse who was up in my stuff, too

It isn't sexual... at all. All of them, it was professional.
We make it sexual. That nurse and doctor I mean, I think THEY made it sexual....
Or at the very least highly inappropriate. A butt is for pooping. There's probably over a hundred people who have seen my vagina.
Maybe hundreds by now, I dunno how many times I've been in the hospital! I've been cath'd a lot. It usually takes 2-3 nurses to try, fail then succeed. >_>

Bird: 
Yeah, they cath'd her when she broke her hip. bugged the hell out of her and she was drugged and in shock at the time. All she really cared about the entire time she was there is getting them to take it out. And they threatened her, telling her she would die without it before she would even let them

Neptune Fallen: 
That wasn't necessarily a threat with a broken hip.Her bladder could easily overfill and her kidneys begin to shut down, which... leads to dying... If you have to stay in bed and can't do much moving, or have impairedness in feeling of the urological system or control it actually can be a life or death thing.

I've been to the ER JUST to get a cath, to prevent organ damage, cause for a while I couldn't release the pee, my bladder would get distended and I would have the urge to go, for hours, and it would just sit there. Urine putting pressure, harming my kidneys, at first I hated it, but when you haven't urinated for over a day, omfg.... a catheter, I don't care if there are 1000 people watching .

F'in up, Homeless Again, News to Him

Home- It's a place where you feel safe, welcome, wanted. Where you want to go to. A sanctuary. You want to sleep there. Maybe you have family there. And for me it's been the most elusive thing for me to find ever since I discovered how devious and evil my step-mother was.

So I haven't blogged in a while because I thought I had found a secure place, and it was for a while, but things were thrown upside down, at least for while. I thought that I would need to find a new place to go to live, and I know that in my heart that is what I need to do, still.

I've been struggling with money to afford to get to pay for the gasoline to go visit my doctors... Then when I saw my doctor, I tried to share good news, only to have it dashed in my face. Losing 25 lbs isn't enough, lose more. You shouldn't have any romance in your life until your back issues are solved.... That one hurt a lot. Then when I am home I was sat down and told that I was a liability and needed to ... yes, needed to, ..., not really told what needed to be done!

So now my best friend came and he helped me with my room. It is a lot cleaner, which I am SO thankful for his help. Now I can actually find things and work on disposing of donation items, trash, or other things, slowly at pace that doesn't hurt my back, at least too much. Tony, my landlord seems sated with the state of it, not happy, but satisfied enough.

I won't mentioned that I've fallen several times in my room, trying to get out of bed, just from weakness... my back gets worse every day. I need to go grocery shopping for food, but I have no one to take me. I feel like I am in an utterly hopeless situation. Most of my support system has fallen through. There are five people in it-- and I am ignoring them, and I don't know why. And of those five, two of them I've only just met!

Of the two I just met, it was very awesome. I went to Monolith  which was awesome. It was in Ventura. They were friends who play Warcraft like I do, and the place was wheelchair accessible, although it was a humorous way that we discovered this. First we thought that there was no ramp, and only five steps. So I grabbed my cane, and the railing, and made it up, only to discover that there were more steps, and there was a man explaining that there was a ramp on the far side of the building.

So we took the chair back down. I precariously went back down the steps, and we went up the ramps! There were some bumps between different flooring types and I had to guide my new friend on how to overcome the bumps (pull the wheelchair backward). Eventually we reached our destination, really early!

This gave me time to get to know my new friends. Which was awesome. Eventually by the time they were setting up, I was even able to talk to the dude doing the lighting and have the strobe set at a pace where it would not induce seizures upon me. How kind!

An Xbox360 was set up in the rear of the room, and I was told that there was going to be Marvel Vs. Capcom 3, which there never was, but I did wait with anticipation. As time went by and conversation died off I eventually wheeled myself over to the console and tried at King of Fighters '98 not realizing that instead of trying to unlock characters, I was playing an arcade download trial that only had like 8 characters. It was horrible.... some guy tried to join me and it said not available in trial and suddenly I realized why I couldn't unlock anymore characters.

So then... it was Marvel Vs. Capcom 2, which was not a demo. And I don't really know this game too well. Mike Z, who designed Skull Girls, always said that he wanted to "fix MvC2." And I played a fair amount of SG.... so once I recalled how to play MvC2, like after 2 rounds I began whooping the poor guy's ass of who was playing me, and turned on a handicapped, which didn't help him too much. Pfffft and Mike would always be like "learn how to play," you learn how to play Mike...and kick my ass.

And his friend faired little better. So hours of playing video games, I finally took a break and went to the dancefloor in my chair and a girl in a gasmask and cool outfit danced with me until my back hurt. Then I talked to some dude about WoW and how he should get back into it....

When I got home I felt good, until I saw Tony's mother. So I immediately shut myself in my room... and I've stayed here since. I barely leave it. Restroom and water are the things that bring me out. She is creepy. She babbles in Spanish at me as if I understand, which I don't. I am American, I live in the USA, and I speak English. I do not know Spanish, it is a foreign language. It is one hot topic that I feel much heat about in debate.

When I worked in the pharmacy there were so many instances of people who were angry that people did not speak Spanish, or would not speak Spanish to them. California is close to the border of Mexico, but it is not IN Mexico. Spanish is a fucking foreign language, if you come to the USA from another country, learn the native language, which is English. It is infuriating that there is a woman living under the roof right now, who had lived in this country for YEARS and she doesn't speak the FUCKING language! Yet she expects me to know HER FUCKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE?! WE'RE NOT IN MEXICO CREEPY LADY LIVING IN THE LIVING ROOM!!!!!!!

UGH..... I hear arguing and fighting a lot.... Always in Spanish which is fine, it is between the family. I mean, I understood when I moved in with a Mexican family, that yes, they spoke Spanish. That did not mean that I was supposed to learn a fucking foreign language though. When they speak it among themselves to other family members I am not bothered. But when that woman has the audacity to start trying to tell me to DO things, when I am paying rent to live here, and she is free-loading on the couch, and she doesn't evens speak the language of the country she is LIVING in.... AND she has LIVED here in VENTURA LONGER than I have!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER?! There is NO excuse for her NOT to know English!!!!!!!!!!!!

EVERY other immigrant has to learn English, because people don't bow down to their needs, why are Spanish speaking immigrants given exception?! It is so racist and biased it drives me mad, especially because I dated an immigrant for almost 7 years! He was from the Philippines, HE learned English. People from China, learn English, people from Germany, they learn English, people from Russia learn English, Iran, English, Romania, English. Everyone else I know who is from a non-Spanish speaking country they learned English, why do Spanish speakers have something up their asses that makes them feel that they are SO much better than EVERYONE else, that they are SO MUCH MORE entitled than EVERY OTHER SINGLE PERSON including every citizen of the USA and every other immigrant that everyone else should learn Spanish to accommodate them?

Ah yes.... well.... This is something that has been bothering me every since I moved to California. It felt like I moved to another country. I had to study to be a Pharmacy Tech. to find a job, because I didn't speak Spanish actually. No place would hire a fresh high school graduate who had honor roll in AP classes and other good stuff, previous exp, but didn't speak Spanish.

And then my computer crashes.

To have people close to me who are supportive, even if they are busy most of the week, is nice, and I feel unfamiliar with how to deal with it, and I am sure that they both feel rebuffed by how I have ignored them up until we finally met and went out. It all goes back to home. As I return back to the place I live now and get ordered to do things in some foreign language, I do not feel at home, but also for most of my life now, home has been foreign.

When my elder sister left the house, my step mother, not my father, my step-mother began to cite that they were having 'they same problems with me.' [That they had had with my sister.] Almost immediately. It took only about two months.

The problems that lead my father to ask my sister to leave, which he never got the chance, she left before he could ask her to, were numerous. She turned 18, said she had a physical for the Navy in Chicago, and didn't return. But, she was flunking out a grade, failing classes, skipping them, not doing homework, constantly arguing and fighting with our parents, and then later our father and step-mother, she would have friends who did drugs, smoked, and drank alcohol, and she was sleeping around. There were so many other things wrong that she was doing such as sneaking people into the house and wrong doings against me that I shall not mention, but when my step-mother said that they were having the SAME problems with me?! I was astounded.

It began slowly at first. My bedroom was put downstairs, away from them. I was asked to clean more and more of the house. I was asked to cook the meals. I was discouraged to eat the meals with them. I was getting straight A's but if I got a B that was very very bad. I got very involved with church on the weekends, and if I did anything wrong, that would be taken away as punishment. One day I did not hear something that my aunt said to me in the kitchen, so as punishment I was grounded severely for weeks, no television, music, computer, or anything. Not even church. Just because I hadn't heard her. She had asked me to do something after I had descended the stairs to my bedroom. It was her mistake, not mine, but I paid for it.

As I sang the song from Oasis, "As he faced the sun, he cast no shadow," my father grew angry with me and I apologized. They grew upset with me that I was depressed. It was a thing that deserved further punishment, my depression. Soon when I began to self-mutilate, that too also deserved punishment.

So the same problems, I got good grades in college classes, I was devout in church, even volunteering on retreats. I had never kissed, although I had a terrible crush on a guy for years, I hadn't even held hands with a boy except for once, and I felt so guilty! I had never, have never, touched drugs illegally... I wasn't out getting drunk, I did not spend time with people who did drugs or got drunk either. I didn't spend any time with any friends really... Except when they shoved me off to my best friend at the time, who had her son, Nick, she was friends with my sister, had gotten pregnant at 16, and they would constantly abandon me upon her. But I didn't mind, I loved her.

But I cleaned the whole house, I cooked for them, I stayed out of their way, I hadn't kissed a guy, I got good grades, I was nothing like my elder sister, how was I committing any of her errors? But my father listened for some reason and agreed. Shortly after I was 17 I was beaten and kicked out to my best friend Nellie... she'd lost her son by then. My father got away with beating me and kicking me out illegally, too, from the police and children's protective services. Amazing. No one wanted to see my bruised ribs, or listen to what had actually happened.

After that I thought I had a home with Nellie... until I turned 18 and she suddenly told me that she needed me out because she was trying to get her son back... but even before that- she had called me a slut when I had crushed on the same guy as she had and then changed my mind. I 'dated' him for a brief period, but he was too ashamed of me to even hold hands in front of others, so I couldn't handle it, and for that she, my best friend, my ONLY family at the time, called me a slut.... still hadn't kissed.

Then I thought I had found another home until I got news that that was insecure. Then I came to California on vacation and stayed here. I found refuge out here, expecting perhaps to be raped, murdered, left or dead or something... I was raped that first night, not left for dead, but he stopped though.

We were supposed to go to his house, and he made up a fishy excuse that his parents were arguing, so we went to a hotel. He was a nurse, and his scrubs and stethoscope were draped over the seat.... it felt all so planted and fake..... I knew I was being mislead, but I had no choice, I was here in his territory, I had been tricked, I just needed to survive until I could figure out a way back to Chicago.

The hotel was nice. He was nice. We hugged, it was okay. We kissed, it was less ok.... then other things happened and I began to resist, but he seemed not to notice. It was as it he took no notice to my complete and utter resistance to removal of clothing and being touched and kissed and such, how I cringed, cried, shook, whimpered, begged quietly for it to stop. It wasn't until I finally spoke up loudly, yelled for him to stop that it stopped. I had to yell. I was so afraid, expecting a hand to enclose my throat like my first boyfriend would have done, or to cuff my face, like James would have done to me.... but no, instead he stopped.

I was shaking from fear and trauma and he hugged me until I fell asleep. I awoke hours later alone in the hotel room alone.... It was freezing. My things were in his car, and he was gone. He had met me online, had me, and left. I went and took a bath to try to cleanse my shame, it was during this that I heard someone unlock the door. I was terrified that it was a friend of his, coming to have his own turn. When I came out in a towel and holding the hair drier as a blunt weapon I was surprised when it was him... He said he had had to help out at his house and had woken me up and told me, and was so sorry that I'd been worried. I cried as he held me again.

Even after all this, he approached me for sex again and again, even though I trembled and shook and begged..... When I finally asked him about it years later, he broke down as a man, degraded, like he should be, shocked... I hadn't been consenting? How could he have been so blind in the first place is what I wonder. Over the years I finally stopped begging, stopped fighting it, and got used to it... I guess maybe he forgot what was going on, though there were instances where I would protest loudly and it still happened.... and even with this, it was news to him on the day I left.

The World Without Us [dual post]

So I often watch documentaries to fill time in my day, often to learn or just be entertained. Sometimes I watch very slanted ones simply for amusement, but today I revisited one that I had watched some time ago called The World Without Us.

Now a lot of the people on Netflix have given it bad reviews, but I am guessing that very few of them have taken college level world history classes. So many points in the movie echo true. Many countries depend on U.S. military force occupying them or a nearby country, yet so often Americans are resented.

There was a woman who was very angry at Clinton over her son’s death at the hand of Serbians. Yet, the entire situation was that Dutch military had come into the area, handed over their uniforms and weapons to the genocidal Serbs and stood by as the Serbs used this to trick thousands of people to their deaths with a promise of protection, pretending that they were with the Dutch. It seems much more that if the Dutch had not come, or at least not helped genocidal radicals, her son could very well be alive today yet she is angry at the U.S.

It covered Europe, the Middle East, and Asia, and the hostilities that the USA handles and what might happen if the USA pulled out. You even saw people from countries stating frankly that they depend on America to defend them.

The reason I decided to watch it again was to try to fire up the urge to seek justice for myself and find inspiration for my novel series. The horrible injustices in North Korea and China, nearly the entire Middle East, most of Africa… At the end as the credits rolled, someone from Taiwan said that Americans take their democracy for granted, and it is true. Most of us go about life taking many things for granted, food to eat, a bed to sleep in, and safety. I did for the first seventeen years of my life, but after I was kicked out because my gold-digger step-mom didn’t want me in the picture, I began to learn to appreciate a lot.

I suppose I should perhaps explain that a little more. I have been on my own since shortly after my seventeenth birthday. My mother was advised to abort me before I was born, due to pre-eclampsia, high blood pressure caused from pregnancy. She wound up getting eclampsia and it damaged her kidneys, and she later had full kidney failure. My father on a whim got tested to see if he could donate when I was 6, and he was a near perfect match. He hadn’t been tested previously because the odds of a married couple being a match would be like one in a million. So he gave her a kidney, and she had to be on immunosuppressants to prevent rejection. This essentially made her like people who had AIDS before the 2000’s.

She began to die on a Friday night on February 2, 2001, and died early in the morning on the 3^rd after the life support machines had been removed. She had been in a coma for quite some time. By the next Saturday my father was dating the woman he is now married to.

Manipulative does not even begin to describe Nancy, who is an ex-drug user. She seemed kind to me while my elder sister was in the house. My older sister ran with a bad crowd, did poorly in school, skipped classes, and would argue with my parents constantly, even destroying the last thing that I made with my mom.. Literally tearing it to pieces in her rage, and throwing it at our father and step-mom.

Once my sister turned 18, my father was going to give her a month to move out, but my sister left on her own accord before he had a chance to even tell her. Then suddenly my parents began to have the same “problems” with me. I was not sleeping around with guys, I hadn't even kissed one! I was getting straight A’s, applying into a gifted program to take college classes in high school. Socially I was involved with church youth group activities.

Many times I was randomly taken to a doctor to have my blood drawn and tested for non existent drugs, that still to this day I have never partaken in, but my father travels to Narcotic Anonymous meetings internationally and claims that I did. I got a part time job once I turned sixteen, saved up and bought a car. Once I was seventeen I had church, job, school, theatre, and I cleaned the entire house and did half of the cooking, although I was not allowed to eat with my parents any longer.

The day I was kicked out my father attacked me, I blacked out for a second and I remember the water bottle that hit my head and him punching me, I curled up, trying to protect my head, when my step-mother’s sister finally yelled for the both of us to stop it. I was committing a wrong by doing nothing? It was all because I was told to find a second job, and I hadn't found one yet.

The school program I was in actually told parents to try to keep us students from even getting one job during the school year, the courses were so intense. It had nothing to do with money, as I mentioned he has spoken internationally, my father is well off.

I then learned how much it meant to have a bed, food, shelter, safety, warmth, health, and much more. It was then I decided that I wanted to be able to effect people for the good. In some of the documentaries I hear about people who have escaped from North Korea and they talk about how they only ate rice, and I recall when I would only have a bit of rice as a meal for the day myself- if even that. Perhaps that is why I watch so many of those films, even though those countries as a whole are so much worse off, I can sadly relate to many of the people.

Sleeping with several pairs of pants on, sweaters, and a coat, and you are still cold is not fun. You wake up in your bed, under your blanket, you are cold and you see your breath despite being indoors..... 

When I came to California and I received help from my now-ex boyfriend’s family, I was so grateful, to the point that they were often confused. Eating food everyday had become a novelty to me. Then when I began to work, a job that was dollars above the minimum wage, it was even more amazing. But they would ask me, why was I so happy just to have food offered to me? Why was I so happy to have new clothing? Why did it make me so overjoyed to get shoes?

Even now, after I got hurt, although it is difficult to survive off of only food stamps and the generosity of others, food stamps offer more than I ever expected from when after my mother died, until when I moved here. Then when I got hurt and I got state disability, I did not have money for food, ironically I got too much money from disability for food stamps, despite my medical bills leaving only around $20 a month for food. Food stamps now gives me $200 a month for food, and I don’t have medical bills.

What is wrong with our government? People who really need help do not get it, just because of numbers.