Saw that sign out in the living room of house that I rent a room of, and I broke down.
So yesterday, I did wind up going to the ER. When it came time for me to get a ride home it was clear I had no ride, but they left me in the waiting room anyway. I called every friend I could imagine before finally calling one who I believe has been trying to avoid me for several reasons.......... I wound up sobbing apologies in the backseat as I was driven home. Especially because he kept stating that he really needed to get home, and it was 10, and I needed something to eat... I asked him if we could swing by a fast food place- no we could not, alright that's fine. I needed the food to take my heaviest pain killer, and I was in agony, which was why I wanted food.
Then I took all the courage I could, between sobs and asked if he could come inside my house and microwave me something that would take under 5 minutes, so he got upset and said he would just take me to a fast food place! And the entire time the girl that... I suppose he likes and she likes him was there, and I could feel the hate from her.
At the hospital, I went to VCMC and saw Dr. Spier? I think that's how you spell it, anyways he is a great doctor. He ordered an MRI and I got no pain killers before or after, he had ordered a shot for before, but in the confusion of a trauma patient coming in, it was lost and forgotten. MRIs for me are very painful-my lower back is where the injury and pain stem from and lying on your back on a hard surface and remaining still for a long period of time puts a lot of pressure right on that hurt spot, so they are agonizing for me. After the MRI I was a quivering pile of pain, and he told me I could take more than the directions indicated for a day or two of my own pain meds, they would give me none-so I got some water and took what I could. ...Oh, and I should actually TAKE my pain medications when I am in pain... I don't take them enough.
I come to the hospital with bottles filled nearly a month ago, and some of them are nearly untouched. (Oh the first nurse I saw, she totally did NOT believe that I hadn't taken any pain medications yet that day, she was like, 'yeah, right, you lying whore,' in her stare.) But when the doctor came he knew me and knew I could be trusted, I explained I didn't want any contraindications. Which is a good valid reason not to go chugging on medications... and I don't take them often because you build tolerance... but... I just don't take them when I need to.
I've lost 20/25lbs for sure, the hospital's scale is accurate if I trust it to the crappy cheap one I have here. I was told the weight loss should not be affecting my back at all. If anything I did this to myself.
Trying to organize the things in my room. It looks like a storage locker right now. Why? Because on the 30th of last month my room was clean and we needed to clear the storage locker-- so it went into my bedroom. So far no one has come to help me sort things, so I keep trying to do it on my own and hurting myself badly.
I shouldn't be lifting even 10lbs the doctor who works with my back surgeon told me. He was shocked when I told him what I had been doing all because people were saying such cruel things to me about the state of my room. I throw my trash out. I take care of dishes in a timely enough manner. My room is more "clean" than many completely uncluttered rooms that I have seen.
What got to me really bad was a close friend saying more than once that he was going to bring garbage bags, yes plural, to help me clean. As if I am living among refuse and I am just too lazy to throw it out. The first time he said it, I had to bite my tongue and hold back tears, and keep myself from yelling that I don't live in a #&&$^'in trash pile. I am essentially living among unsorted boxes of items that I don't want, I want, or maybe have been damaged and might should be thrown out- but are not garbage exactly! But what is worse is he has not been the first to say this, but he was the person closest to me to say this.
If it were all trash it would be no freaking issue. I could easily throw trash away piece by piece!!! But I can't move a 20lbs. box that has clothing to a place that I can sort through the clothes and see what I should donate or keep without hurting myself, but I do it anyway, then I can't go thru the box because I am hurt so badly.
Another problem aside from the pain that got worse, is where it went. For nearly this entire time I would draw like a tree branching out to the right, and a little to the left, and down my spine and legs.. but now there is an identical branch on the left.... and my spine keeps 'popping' like joints do, all the time, and often it is painful. Even slightest of movements can cause my spine to shift.
----WARNING THE FOLLOWING DISCUSSES INCONTINENCE----
------------------will make note when safe----------------
So pain in a new area, and then something else I was suffering from for the last 13 days, incontinence. But for the last 3, it's been serious. For 10 days it was more a slip here and there, but then Tuesday it would occasionally just... leak out of me... then yesterday it was pouring out of me, I kept changing my Depends so often, it was disgusting and hard to keep clean, and I kept falling, then eventually I was in too much pain and too weak to get up. Every little motion seemed to allow more fecal matter to fall out of my body.
Bowel incontinence is usually way more tame than what has been happening to me in the last three days. It is more often what I was suffering for 10 days, a slip here are there. You mean to flatulate and something comes out, or you are leaky. But now, it is uncontrollable and completely unpredictable. So the doctor suggested, laxatives! Yes, laxatives. Take them three times a day and sit on the toilet for as long as it takes for an attack to come on, until it becomes a routine.
I must say, that the is last thing that I would have ever guess could help incontinence.
-------------done-------------------------
So the pain in the new area of my body, and that I was suffering from incontinence for some time, it was recommended that I now use laxatives. Now I have already lost 20 or 25 lbs. in the last month... now I am wondering if I use laxatives to try to control my bowels, will this lead to even more weight loss? I even mentioned the weight loss, and he suggested that it might even add to further loss...
Am I really that fat?
--The new father I live with- how he's like my own father--
The family that I live with, the father Tony, he makes me feel that way. I am fat and lazy. He praises his eldest daughter Christina SO much. "Look how fit she is." 'Look how well she does in school." "Look how well she does in work." "Look how well she does, being in music videos!"
It all goes back to that, I must be lazy because I don't work... because I hurt... Well I don't go out with friends, yet I have no friends around here to go out with! Also that I am so fat, I always hear it, I am aware that I am fat, that I am a huge ugly disgusting fat cow, but it is not because I am lazy!
I have attempted many times to eat just below my basic metabolic rate (before injured) and even way below it, and lost not even a lb. But now, I am on levothyroxin, it turned out my thyroid was not working properly, and in a month I have lost more weight than I have in 8 years of diets and literal starving myself to try to lose weight. I know how it feels to have eaten so little food you pass out, faint, stumble, fall, be unable to see properly, lose menses, and still not lose a pound.
But my muscles ached from being worked so hard with exercise... over a hundred reps. I counted every calorie that entered my body. I had a tictac, it went in my food journal. Unlike all the asshole nurses and doctors who never believed me when I said that I had kept food journals before. They think just because a person is overweight or fat, that they are idiots, they do not know what they are talking about, and they are lying when they are talking about anything. But, if I had gum, it went down, unless it was 0 calories on the pack... but I still wrote it down... and still not a pound, lol.
Hey, it is kind of like with my medication. I won't even remember where my pain meds will be, but I mention that it is prescribed, and the doctor will not believe that I haven't taken that day, let alone in several days. ...and I still don't know where the bottle is.
Years ago, my father would call me fat and lazy, too. I would starve myself, exercise as hard as I could, and it did nothing... until of all people, my step mother mentioned to a doctor that she had noticed I didn't touch much of my dinners sometimes. They checked my blood and my thyroid was not working. Soon I lost a lot of weight, and began growing several inches, too. But my father still saw me as lazy, even though I did everything that he asked of me.
I do everything that I can possibly do. I keep trying to do things in the house to clean up. Doing the dishes that everyone else leaves behind, until I am trembling from horrible pain, and I collapse on the floor and thank God that no one is home to see me.
Also Tony assumes that I have had no schooling either..... I worked in a pharmacy before I was injured, and I have a job guaranteed if I were to be better tomorrow. I am a very good pharmacy technician, it is something that I like doing, and I do well. But I took classes in high school!
How many other people work full time, are models, are in music videos, and are in school?? It is not fair to compare... And then
"A messy home shows the sign of the characters who live there, you should see the characters that live here!"
is where I can see when I come home from the hospital.
Tony, the father of the family I live with, he often mentioned that his mother is a hoarder so he is used to seeing messy rooms like mine. Oh, and his mother, she always blames that her house is messy because no one will come and help her. That is the only reason that she has a hoarder house, is because no one comes to help her clean up... which he began mentioning after the storage locker got emptied and Nathan, my best friend stopped coming over and organizing the boxes and items. We just left everything as is, because he was tired, and he hasn't returned to help me fix them.
So I keep saying that I need someone to help me, I am waiting for help again, like I had had before. My room was like this several times before, then clean, then like this, and then clean, several consecutive times back and forth. It costs Nathan a lot of gas to come out here though, and no one else so easily knows me as well as he does (and is as tall and strong) so he's best to help me.
But Tony essentially is pushing in my face that I am using the excuse that I don't have someone to help me as a reason to keep my room like a storage locker. I hate my room like this, and now after seeing that placard sign with that written on it... I don't even want to leave my room, leave my door unlocked, or leave my door open at all.
When I came to this house, they said that they wanted someone who would NOT be closed up in their room all the time. I often like going into the living room and joining the family for functions... but now I feel very driven away. Tony seems much like my own father, manipulative and completely blinded by his own views.
The neurosurgeon who works with mine for my back, he said I shouldn't be lifting more than 10 lbs and he was disturbed when I told him all of what I just wrote above... that I felt pretty much blackmailed into having to try to clean up my room, lifting boxes and items that weigh way more than 20lbs let alone 10lbs lol... ....he was not amuse though, he was very serious that I should STOP lifting anything immediately. So now I have no idea what to do, because I saw that sign, it is very clear that father wants me to clean, but my back surgeon wants me not to!
If only I had the guts to show him....
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