Limitations

Sunday I walked very far. I was looking for my phone, so I got out of my wheelchair and began to scour the sidewalk for it until I finally collapsed from pain and weakness in my legs. Monday and Tuesday (yesterday) left me in my room in so much pain, that I just wanted to be left alone.

I had information on my phone that was extremely important to me. Details of how my seizures felt, immediately after they occurred, and so much more. Oh, and my retainer has gone missing. So I am afraid that my teeth might become crooked like my sisters.

Everyone in my life who is older than me keeps harassing me about my situation, and I finally broke. People who are even my age are at my throat about how I live; they all assume that I am lazy and wasting all of my time doing nothing at all, because I am using my injury as an excuse to take a very extended vacation.

My back has never been causing the sheer amount of agony that is causing me now. Often every step that I take makes me want to cry out in pain.

"Why don't you go back to school?"
"My niece studied something about pharmacy and she works at Walgreens now."
"You could take classes online."
"You don't have to take many classes."

I took one class a little over a year ago now. I missed many days because my back hurt so much from just attending the class for a couple hours twice weekly... Also the pain from sitting up to study and do my homework. I finally had to drop out right at the end because the pain was too much, it overtook me. Now I am maybe in four times that sort of pain, when I try to do the simplest of things like draw a bath.

Also, I studied to work at a pharmacy, too. Why does everyone assume I have no education? I took three years of college level classes during high school! My English teacher began teaching at my highschool because the college she was working at told her she needed to make her class easier, so she quit and came to teach the AP class at my high school where she could make it even harder! (I am completely serious, not making this up.)

Also with the online classes, again I come into the issue of having to sit up straight for me to really draw attention. I can't be lying down to type... or writing. I am very hands on, I do better with books and papers... but, when I was doing so much better I couldn't even handle one class.

Yet, even if I explain all of this, I hear them asking me again about this.

I can blog because I can type upwards of 50 wpm, and this sort of writing flows from me. It is not something that I have to give much fore-thought. I think and my fingers type my thoughts.

I miss my work so much. I miss school even more. What I wouldn't give to have a few days in a lab with petri dishes and growing cultures and having to figure out what they were. That would be so much fun! ...Yeah, I might have an odd sort of idea of fun.

It all sort of reminds me of how the doctors treated about my weight. I've lost 25 lbs. so far, so maybe if I run into any new doctors they might react differently to me. People are so quick to make judgments and assumptions. Which reminds me that I heard someone use similar words like what I just said to her, and she reused them for good use. It makes me so happy that I am at least still not limited to being unable to help some.

Waiting to go to some big hospital in L.A. is really killing me. In the wait, everyone is going for my throat of what I am waiting for, and the only answer I can supply is I am waiting on the wait.... The barbs that have sunk in so deeply that I should be doing so many things that I am just not physically capable of have pushed me to injure myself.

My room is overfilled and unorganized with how things are placed, but a majority of things are too heavy for me to lift without injury, but I keep working on it anyway. So now I am sitting on my bed barely able to walk, and having to wear Depends for the last two days... but I only pushed myself because the people around me voiced the idea that I was using the excuse that I needed a person to help me as a reason that I wasn't doing it. Now I can't feel my legs... is that a better excuse?

I know that I should call 911, I was told when my legs go numb and everything gets this bad to do that, but I don't see the point in it anymore. I am just going to sit here in my pain until the feeling returns. Could be an hour, could be a day, who knows, but no one really cares much, except the one person subscribed to this blog.