So I have been sequestering myself in my room since I got the backhanded snide comments from the father of the family that I live with, accusing that I am choosing not to pick up my room due to laziness and not medical reasons that doctors are legitimately getting angry at me for breaking... I keep going to the E.R. because I am breaking the rules that the doctors have been setting. I am lifting too much weight, moving too much, doing things that hurt and not stopping because I keep thinking that I need to please the new people who have come into my lives.
While I was sitting in the ER alone, I was feeling miserable. Before I had gone I had made sure to call my back doctor's office and get confirmation that I should be going, and I was told to go... But, the doctor seemed to think that there was no reason for me to be there. At least he wasn't like the brilliant genius doctor who said "there's no reason to expose you to more radiation with an MRI." I was very glad I left minutes later, an MRI stands for magnetic resonance imaging... nothing radioactive about it.
One thing that caused me issues, and often does, is they wanted me to pee on demand. Through an ultrasound they saw that my bladder had a decent amount of urine in it. Can other people just pee on demand like if they were told to stick their tongue out or cough? I mean, I can't pee unless I either have to pee, or it happens out of my control. But doctors and nurses always get upset and annoyed at me when I tell them that I cannot pee on demand and that I will have to have to get an urge and even then it might not come.
I was hostilely told "Well just try!" by a nurse, and handed a bed pan. It dug deeply into my flesh and I tried forcing my muscles as hard as I could, but nothing was going anywhere. I tried pressing on my bladder, nothing. I had four more little cups of water, and no to no effect. But as I was lying there alone in the hospital, with that bed pan beneath me, I was thinking of some of my pet peeves about peeing...
I can only do it in a toilet, and I can only do it absolutely alone. In ladies bathrooms I often have to wait a long time, or at least until it is very empty before I can go... then suddenly the memories of why I had this huge avoidance of urinating outside of restrooms in isolation flooded back to me and I began to cry out from more than just the physical pain that I was in.
How can I tell doctors that I can't force myself to urinate because it is part of my really screwed up PTSD from when I was a kid?
As a kid before I realized what molestation was, and not just something that I didn't like and was a secret, I could go piss in the woods, or even on the side of the road on long road trips if it had to happen, hehe.
There is so much in my life that my past abuses have affected me in how I am today that I don't even realize and cannot identify, let alone begin to work on, that it hurts so much. But beginning to identify it, lets me begin to work on it. Once I stopped crying, I was able to get a wheelchair and finally pee for those damn doctors.
END SAFE BLOG HERE
but there is more to that night that affected me
----WARNING THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS MENTION OF CHILDHOOD SEX ABUSE---
So there were 2 culprits who affected my bathroom behaviors and feelings. But the first one and predominate one, she was a close neighbor. She was a girl, so when she'd ask me to come in the bathroom with her, it didn't seem that weird at first... but the things that she began to say and talk about while there I didn't like.
She also had terrible games... house was one of them. I loved to play house as a kid! But not with Lizzy. She'd always make me the wife. Every kid knows the fun part of house is like the day. A job, pretend eating, pretend shopping, and dressing up... But Lizzy being older than me, she'd guide the day... She always brought nighttime so soon, which I didn't like, because she would never let me be the husband.
We had to undress for bed, of course, cause we were playing realistically... and she wanted to play more like real. And at the tender age of 5, with her finger, she got over me, and pretended to be a husband and showed me what they did.
Lizzy would never talk to my sister again, they were best friends, and then my sister would hate me forever, if I ever told anyone... and besides we were just playing... why would I need to tell anyone? My sister was always envious when the three of us played and Lizzy wanted to go and play house alone with just me... her eyes felt like daggers in my back, the jealousy, but I didn't want to go.
She's also play doctor, which started off completely normal... but turned into like a gynecological exam... When a neighbor girl who was my age moved in later, I was so over-joyed, I had an excuse not to be near Lizzy, ever again.
Yet as I was sitting in the hospital trying my damnedest to pee in a plastic tub while I heard all these voices around me, I heard a young girl, Lizzy's voice, and the things that she would say to me, want to do to me.... and the nightmares began again.
Other things in my life, other people, other events too... it's driving me back to old habits, that I want to self-mutilate, I'm walking on a razor's edge. Maybe I need to move.
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