So I saw a Life Recovery Coach today. I had an appointment to help me develop tools for betterment of my life... I think.
Really it was a meeting where we sat and spoke for over an hour and the lady had no real idea of what to do nor of how to really help me. She did have a couple good suggestions. Blog more. Use Facebook. Use more social media because my back is so limiting physically.
Today was one of the most enlightening and hardest days of my life. I feel conflict and strife struggle withing my heart as I sit here and write this. I plan to post this on Facebook, as many people won't know me, I may as well explain, housing for me is tenuous. Very tenuous.
Previous posts though, and the other blog does explain things.
No one though knows where I live now.
WHERE I AM LIVING:
I live in Oxnard right now.
It is L.A.ish
I thought that when I came to this home that I now stay in that I found a nice loving family that was a mother and a father with three daughters. One my age, one younger, and one just a child. I soon found out that the eldest had a different mother, the middle a different father, and the youngest was the only one who was the child of both parents. This was only well after I had moved and settled in.
By this point in time I had already decided that I wanted to stay in this place. I liked this family that had opened themselves up to me. They had gambled deciding to take me in, especially because I have a guarantor instead of myself currently covering my rent....
It was the fastest place that I could find because I was homeless at the time. It was a huge rip off being $500 for a tiny 10x10 room that didn't even have a closet.... But I am too nice and so is Gigi, and neither of us have tried to argue.
What got me was that when I came here... I was told, "welcome home," as I came in... It made me cry.
But now I am beginning to wonder if perhaps that this father cares more about the money than he does the family that I fell to care for, that I found so charmingly kind that I wanted so badly to be a part...
I am afraid that I am living with a man who is much alike my father... He is money-hungry, already over-charging me for a room, tricking me into thinking that he cares mildly about me, he has already successfully fooled me that he cared for two of his daughters... slowly I am seeing that he cares poorly about his elder daughters.
It is so chillingly like my own father that I am desperately trying to ignore that my room is tiny and overpriced, and that the family is dissolving. That I hear arguments breakout and yelling go on. I cover my ears and hear my mom and sister screaming at each other before my sister begins to throw objects down the hallway towards the living room and I snap out of it and realize that my sister not here with me in California... I am reliving bad memories... living in this place that I thought was a loving home.
"And they say I, exhale the lie, again"
from White Lies, a song I am listening to right now.... yes.... so many white lies being exposed as the cracks in the facade fall apart and break open and I get a real glimpse into what this family really is. I try to cling desperately onto the hope that maybe there is more, maybe there is a chance that they can be strong, but I can already see them falling apart.... or mostly the father is leading them to breaking them apart. I really look up to him and like him so much, so the conflicted feelings I have are difficult to deal with.
As a parent there should be some expectation that you should help your child if they need help and you can offer it. Don't have children if you can't support them, is my thinking. Well, try not to, because unfortunately shit does happen. But, the father I live with, it seems like he is suddenly asking things of his children due to his his own financial situation than any other logical changes or occurrences. He is demanding changes without any sort of compromise, and punishing without any sort of understanding... It's sort of like my father... well except for the financial part, my father is was like whim of his new wife.
I want a home so badly... I have a phobia of losing it once I have one, too. It took me months to finally refer to this tiny bedroom as home. I kept referring to it as 'the house', or 'the room', for a long time.
My mother died when I was only twelve. I remember standing there beside her hospital bed, watching her go, praying to God that her heartbeat would start picking up again- instead of slowing down ever so steadily as it was. Finally she flatlined and that was it. I could never have guessed that within 72 hours my father was going to be on his computer looking for dates with other women.
All of that began a long journey in my life that began a road of further hardships, and many insecure living situations or periods. So I have a phobia of being homeless again. Especially because as I sometimes can barely walk the five feet to go to the bathroom; the government says that I am fit to work- and I am unsure how to appeal. The only help I have been really offered is an angry woman who is extremely unreliable and vents her anger at her own unreliability out on me, and is now refusing to see or help me. I keep asking for help, and they only tell me that I have to speak to the woman who won't speak to me. Thanks clinic handling my health!
Should I move? Find a place where there is a family that is not at odds with one another and I have a room that is actually worth $500 and maybe has a closet?
Even the idea gives me guilt... but it is tempting me as the drama keeps stirring up. I was floored when I heard that he wanted to ask $600 for another room that was barely bigger than my own, simply because 'it has a closet'. I bit my tongue at explaining that most people would not even charge $500 for my room... Because I know that my rather constant presence in the house is something that is of annoyance. Should that be another reason to leave? Find a place that realized that I am waiting for help for my back...
MY BACK:
For those who know my back problems, well, they have gotten abundantly worse. For those who don't know them, I have 5 herniated discs. They pinch several nerves, there is pressure on my spinal cord and I deal with serious issues from my hips and below ranging from loss of sensation to loss of any control or feeling. Sometimes I will collapse while trying to walk from pain, sometimes my legs will give out because the muscles become too weak to use-or the signals to them are too weak, or in a rare case I might walk myself into complete non-function of my lower half. When the last option occurs there may not even be reflex in my tendons which is a very serious issue, it means that there is NO neuro-connection to them... it is like the bottom part of me is unplugged.
So most days I lay in my room. I used to be able to go out more, see friends, movies, but no any longer. I don't really know anyone in Oxnard, but shortly before moving here my back became dramatically worse... I can barely go out to see the doctor, I have to take my heaviest pain medications while I am home trying to relax, when previously I would only touch them if I had been out of the house for hours or maybe done something stupid or accidental and hurt myself. I barely function now, and the father I live with seems distraught that I don't leave the house.
With whom? Where? I can't drive because I have been having seizures spring up like crazy! I would love to go out, but my only Oxnard friend is always 'too busy'. I tried to make friends on Craigslist, but my email got so bombarded I was trying to handle it but I was hospitalized for many days in two stretches, that all the replies got so out of hand that my severe anxiety won't let me deal with it. The father who lives here was very clear that he does not want people coming to this house or near it... so these people- I cannot have them come here, nor pick me up? If I do I risk my living situation.
He has trapped me and is angry at me that I am not going out. I can see why his daughters want to leave.
TREATMENT
Before people might bombard me with a slurry of messages about "have you tried..." a, b, and c, I can probably assure you that it is likely that I have. I was hurt back on December 18th of 2010. Yeah, long time ago. They tried epidural injections more than once. Oral steroids. Muscular injections. Physical therapy including some chiropractic practices SEVEN times! WOO! Last session stopped because I went to the hospital when my legs stopped working, and they refused to let me continue... hehe. They have also used ultrasound therapy, and electrodes, which I own my own machine. If there is anyone who is willing to help I do need new wiring for one of the sides to work right-- it does help quite a bit with the pain but the wiring is like $25 and I have NO money. Anyone willing to help hit me up and I can accept by bank or PayPal, I will post on my Facebook and Twitter wall thanks.
I already had back surgery May of 2013. Physio after of course, too. I felt wonderful after the surgery, I was about where I was now before the surgery, unable to walk at all though... Then I could! I didn't heal correctly though. I was in the hospital and some nurses had me walking without a cane or a walker and something in my back went wrong, I think it might have been when my herniated discs went from 3 to 5. They were the same nurses who overlooked my serious gallbladder infection only giving me something to try to calm my stomach. Turned out I needed surgery to get my gallbladder out ASAP. Yes, I have tried to find a lawyer, can't find one. Nurses can ruin patients lives as much as they want and it doesn't matter.
MY WEIGHT-THYROID-energy, healing, mood, skin, nails, entire living!
I have been overweight for a great deal of my life... Some doctors have even marked 'obese'. So many people who are overweight often claim to have thyroid problems, falsely. I have a history of hypothyroidism, or low thyroid, which can cause a myriad of other issues aside from weight. It affects you mood negatively, you cannot heal as well, you skin and hair is dry, you have less energy, and many other things. So when I asked a doctor at the hospital, during my last stay, if they could check my level- it'd been a while- they of course looked at me like, Ah yes a fat lazy person wants an excuse as to why they are fat.
"Why do you think that your thyroid might be low?" the doctor asked me, not masking the severe doubt that was on his face.
"I have a past history of hypothyroidism, and it has been a long time since my levels have been checked, first of all... Uh, I've been very fatigued, my skin and hair has been dry, my nails brittle, wounds don't heal well, and-" he cut me off agreeing that it seemed I was meeting enough criteria to warrant the simple blood test, and I thanked him.
When the test results came back the doctor returned looking alarmed and I asked if everything was okay.
"Why did you go off your thyroid medication?!" he barked the question. Well I assumed right then that, oh, seems my thyroid must be off again.
"Uh, well when I last took it, a fill on doctor not my PCP got lab results, saw they were normal, and didn't give me a refill, not realizing that I was on medication, meaning that the lab results indicated the dosage was at the right level," I hastily explained. He wanted to start me on it like right that day, but I had an appointment with my doctor's office two days later so he agreed that I could get the script from them, somewhat reluctantly. He made VERY sure to give me a copy, and to send them a copy and recommendation, haha.
Doctors, first they assume I am just some lazy fat liar, and then they are mad at me that other doctors mishandled my care and previous tests. I mean, I had no control over that! So it has been about three weeks and I have lost twenty pounds; just weighed myself. I was actually going through my clothing and going to get rid of all of the small clothing that I had, and donate it to Salvation Army. Now I am donating everything that is becoming way too large for me, well and I can part with. I am tailoring some things down.
I am already wearing things that I have not touched for years.
I feel more energetic. I had been randomly dozing off at all hours of the day before I was put on the thyroid supplement, and that has gone away.
On days that I feel better I have even been able to resume some physio exercises, carefully.
SEIZURES
So seeing the "life coach" was interesting. She had no idea what the **** ******** **** ** *** ***** *** *** she was doing. But she was nice. I also had a seizure during the meeting and my friend was able to record the event on his phone, and I noticed something else before it occurred. Usually my seizures have happened in places that maybe were not too well lit, or at home, for example. But she had this bag that had a pale yellow background with autumn leaves at the bottom, and suddenly it it began to glow brighter and brighter. The yellow was becoming neon, the light browns becoming oranges and reds, hurting my eyes, I covered my face as I began to feel the familiar sensation of falling backwards that I often feel before my seizures occur.
Around 4.5 minutes later I was sweaty and every muscle felt as if I had used it to the point of sheer exhaustion. When I saw the neurologist, and she asked me if after the seizures, did my muscles feel very tired as if exhausted, I yelped, "Oh my god! Yes! exactly!" surprised that I did not have to go into great depth explaining. To everyone else it is hard to explain, but apparently it is a common seizure thing, so Dr. Abbi already knew it, which delighted me so much that I didn't have to try to explain this so complicated thing to her.
So while I am waiting to go to USC to see a back specialist... Dr. Abbi upped my seizure medication and I have a follow up with her and if things do not improve enough I am going to be sent to Cedar Sinai for my seizures to be studied.
When I was in the hospital the last time I had made mention of my seizures, so they decided to do an MRI of my head. When they told me that I had cysts in my brain the doctor seemed surprised at my lack of reaction at the news, I was already aware. I had an MRI ten years ago that revealed the same thing. But, they might be causing the seizures, that was new. Dr. Abbi agreed, so that I have had a few bad seizures on the higher dose of my medication is making me nervous. If I go to Cedar Sinai, they are going to try to induce seizures, which probably means nasty ones. Because of my back the seizing of my muscles is already extremely painful... Maybe I can ask for some Dilaudid? hehehe. (It is a strong pain medication that can be 7.5X the strength of morphine sulphate--which I am allergic to morphine. I often have to have Dilaudid to ease my pain.)
When I met Chris Metzen I was very amazed because he was, well AWESOME! He is a co-creator of sorts for World of Warcraft. It was only after I met him that I found out that he voice acts! Not only that, but for Thrall, one of my favorite and dynamic characters. He also is an artist and a writer. Suddenly I felt a strong kinship. This man is successfully doing all these things that I love, acting, creating, writing, drawing.... all of it....
Maybe it isn't too late for me? When I was talking about all of this my friend asked me if he was married, lol. Aside from being a bit old, I was like yeah he is, after looking it up on wikipedia. Not that he didn't seem extremely nice in person. I had accidentally dropped art supplies on the floor and he picked them up for me, the poor girl in the wheelchair. At least now I know he probably knew what Pentel, Copic, and Sakura were.
It is like there is someone else who succeeded in a path that I really want... if only now that I can get better enough to produce my artwork... or stop procrastinating as much, heh. Zima, the life coach, said to use social media more, so I will try.
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