Could it be because of your condition?

7-22- Depression weighs me down so heavily that motivation to do anything is so difficult. It is binding. It is a prison that is nearly inescapable. My body feels heavy. The nerve pain in my legs and back seem to ache worse. There seems no reason for anything good, or anything bad. Time drags on slowly, yet it stands still at the same time. I could lie here in a daze for hours and not even realize the passage of time.

Food loses taste. Thoughts come so sluggishly, yet can constantly bombard me at the same time. It is 5PM and I have done only one thing of the numerous things that I swore that I must do, and that was only because of a fluke phone call that I received. I want to just sleep on forever, never wake up. Live in my dreams, despite the fact that nightmares were what I woke to this morning.

I cannot enjoy reading, writing, playing any of my video games. I am in stasis  Suspended animation of my soul.

7-29-
So the idea has been posed, could M have ended our relationship because the surgery did not fix me? My previous boyfriend left me as soon as he heard I was filing for SSI. On Friday I saw him for the first time since I repo'd my PS3 and I also heard a few more things that was news to me.

I realize I need to name my best friend because he is causing so much trouble, Allen, he was told some things by M that was kept from me completely and that affected my behavior and made me look crazy when if I had known the situation I would have behaved differently.

M was surprised that Allen had kept it from me. But Allen likes me, did he keep it from me to better his own chances? Or was it just him being lazy and not telling me anything like he constantly does?

But the big question on everyone's lips, "Do you think he might have left because of your physical condition?" And the sad thing is that I cannot say yes, nor no, with certainty in my heart. I thought before Friday for sure the answer was no, for sure no... But on Friday I saw M, he was there at the arcade, along with tens of other people I had not seen for a long time.

I confided in a friend who had a very bad situation with a girl some years ago about what had happened as I was trying not to hyper-ventilate as I downed a Valium pill. He eventually got me to identify M and was bugging me as to why and how I would possibly date him in the first place. Then I had to re-explain that I had been ambushed, I hadn't planned to date him.

Another gamer girl was there, and she paid me barely more attention than she did at the birthday party that I threw for her last year. It's funny how much I tried to be her friend and she was happy to take the gifts and use me when she needed something, but she is never there if I need something. Also I suspect she is the person whom M desires.

On World of Warcraft I seem to get most of my outside personal connections with people. I have fun trolling sometimes, and have even willingly shown photos of myself to the entire General Chat populous. Surprisingly no one goes and calls me down for being ugly or fat, like how I feel, maybe it is just the depression and anxiety? They think I am very attractive. How can I be single?

Could it be because of my back?

I saw M cry several times about very painful topics or things... I got him alone a moment on Friday and asked him if he cried at all the day he broke up with me. I couldn't stop sobbing. He stared coldly at me and asked if it mattered, and I said that yes, it mattered to me. He said no, he hadn't.

How can I be single?

Because of my back.

I got stood up for a dinner date from some guy in his late 30s or maybe even early 40s, that hadn't seen me in the wheel chair, but I did have the cane. I am a catch for someone who looks the way he did, at least if I go by popular opinion.

It is some horrid cycle. My back and my depression. I am held down physically by pain, and then held down emotionally by depression from the MDD or Bi-Polar, or depression caused by events caused because of my back.

As I was typing that part above last week, I was staring at that bottle of blood pressure medication. I still can't get rid of it. No one knows I have it. I just want that escape button available to press if I really need it. As I finally begin to fall out of love with M, realizing I am just a piece of used trash, there is no reason for me not to be depressed. My back is not healing right. My stay in Hellmont ruined it healing properly. Permanent nerve damage has occurred. I can't sit up for more than an hour before keeling over in pain. SSI, what job can I do, lying in bed all day, popping 3 Dilaudid every day as I am now having to do just to deal with the pain. The pain had become out of control. The nerve roots must be very flared up. So I have to end this post. because just my shoulders being up is too painful.

This is why I am single.