Some names may have been changed.
So, I have said that I have had a general happiness for life for some time now... but it has not kept my demons at bay of my mental illnesses. I realized that I was delaying posting on here, the only real outlet I have, due to being severely depressed. I have been idolizing suicidal thoughts, carefully trying to calculate how much of blood pressure medication and sedative that it would take to put me to sleep forever.
Last night as I sat up with the insomnia gained from Hellmont, because of the kleptomaniac who kept coming into my room to steal my panties, origami, and glasses. I was freaking out badly, just apologizing to my deceased mother that the life that she had given to me was too difficult and not pleasurable enough... I broke down and called someone I hadn't really spoken to in a very long time.
In all honesty hostility and anger that even right now I still hold, along with fear of his feelings that he had and I feared might still have for me, have kept me from maintaining our friendship. I have just sort of observed his life from afar. His life being public enough for me to watch it from afar for the most part, just not the small details. It helped, speaking to him. At the same time it made one thing worse, how I feel about my first boyfriend, and if I ever return back to where I was raised near Chicago, IL how people will treat me because of the lies that he has instilled into everyone. It is much alike how my father has gone around speaking of me of being some drug using tramp. Ha, perhaps they worked together?
My first boyfriend was a nightmare, the entire situation was a nightmare, the whole thing was something that also could have been avoided and should have been... because who I spoke with early this morning in my hyper-depressive state, he was the one that I wanted to date, when Tim began to flirt and plant the seeds of making me interested in him.
Tim was best friends with Kevin. Now Kevin was super nerd, well he still is, and shy and kind and sweet and yeah pretty much my type of guy, and so I was flirty and tried to find out if he had a girlfriend, and he even was able to puzzle out that I had slyly tried to find out if he was single without straight out asking it! Unlike other nice shy guys who I may have interest in more recently.
Tim had a crush on me though, and because of this Kevin set aside my feeling, his own crush on me, and let Tim pursue me... Kevin also set aside his fear of knowledge of how violent Tim could be, thinking that Tim would never hurt a girl, but he was very wrong. Now Kevin and Tim are friends again, and I think Tim has convinced Kevin that everything that happened between us was consensual and nice, but sadly it was not so. This is where some of my PTSD comes from, what Tim did to me.
For 2 months Tim was really nice and sweet, well 1 1/2 months. Then, something trivial made his anger spike and he hit me. Of course he said he was sorry, he lost control, he would never do it again, and I believed it. I believed it the second time, too. Once he began to leave bruises and sprained muscles I began to get scared, and he said that if I left, well hinted, that I would not be safe. Then I was raped at 2 months, and after dismissed and told to go walk home in the cold fall weather. I was freezing and every step hurt, but I soon learned the trick was to try not to fight it.
I went to my father for help, explaining what was going on, knowing that if I went to police, given how the police protected my father illegally kicking me out, they probably would contact him, I wanted to know what he would say. I only begged one thing, that he not tell my step-mother. He later contacted me, saying, "We know you're lying." So he broke his promise, and somehow knew something that was completely untrue? I bruised my own neck for some reason?
Because of Tim anything beyond kissing causes extreme anxiety, and I mean ANYTHING. Like, you move off my face and I have flashbacks often, I cry, I scream, I jump, I run away, except with M.... M was an exception, and that was why I was so upset last night. Today is his birthday. I wish that I could celebrate it with him. I wish I was still with him. The only guy that I have dated that did not rile up my PTSD.
I sort of had a date on Friday night, sort of impromptu, a guy was like want to eat? It was just us two, and he was flirting, so yeah, date, no date, whatever. Even with him he dredged up problems towards the end that left me quiet and troubled for the end of the night and the entire weekend, hence my long absence.
Kevin told me after Tim finally got tired of me and left me that he knew Tim was violent. Kevin told me about his crush. Kevin even maintained a crush and held his angst against me for years after I left home. Speaking with him helped me in the short-term, but now my mind is swarming with so many other things. Yes, yes, I am so fit to work as I struggle not to swallow that bottle of pills over there. I would get rid of them, but I want them, just in case....
Just in case I cannot take it anymore... Hellmont introduced permanent nerve damage and two new nerves that hurt from my tail bone, so if the pain or emotional pain becomes too much to handle, I just want that back-up. Especially if Kevin doesn't like me anymore, it's good if he despises me now. One more person who won't give a s*** if I am gone.
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