After a Long Hiatus (dual post)

I am still fighting with social security, I've had three surgeries in the last three months, and my depression has taken a wicked hold of me. My gallbladder somehow got super infected, to the point I was running a decent fever despite taking a high dose of prescription NSAIDs around the clock, which should eliminate any normal fevers. I suppose it was fortune or fate that I happened to be on them, because I was in the hospital for an unrelated matter, and a nurse completely brushed off my extreme pain and gave me an over-the-counter medication.

I might have gotten brain damage if I wasn't on my diclofenac, because who know how high the fever would have been untreated with me thinking that the pain was just something I needed to just bear through. I need to really press charges against Hellmont, this is the second time I have come from that place suffering physical harm from their lack of care.

My depression has really kept me from writing on here, and my back pain from using the computer. The pain has been so severe for several months, and it won't let up. I am at a loss as to what to do, and to top everything off my food stamps have gone from a nice $200 which is easy to work with at grocery stores, to $60. No joke. Seriously. I need to feed myself on $2 a day. Which means, no more V8, or fruit juices, or dried fruit-which helps me because of my back, or the organic milk I like, or a lot of other healthy things that cost a bit more...

Also it has come to my attention that rape is something that people, all of whom I have met have been male-with the exception of one female who was a victim I met five years ago, is not considered a "big deal". People need to get over it. It's "held high on some stupid pedestal for no reason where it doesn't belong, it's nothing", said someone in Ungodly Wrath, the WoW guild on the Stormrage server. He's not the only one who holds this sentiment, either. It seems a lot of people are just inconsiderate to the idea that it might actually harm people. That there are such things as rape victims. They seem to think that every person who claims it is just some liar or something.

So because of government and because of these people I am fasting. I will eat what I can on my foodstamps, and nothing else, unless on occasion someone chooses to assist the wellfare case that I am. I find it ironic because my best friend wanted exactly what's happened, the government not taking care of people. So now I will be eating a caloric intake that will probably be near starvation, which I've done before, and we will see how it goes. I hope that all those stupid men out there might ackowledge that rape happens, and not every girl lies, and maybe the government can help people afford food.

Oh, and also, you lose food stamps if you study more than 4 credits of college. So despite my back problems, even if I took several online classes, I would lose that little bit of money to eat. Heh.

Mental Ailments can be Disabling

I have been shut in my room for pretty much weeks. Contemplating suicide, carving into my flesh deeply to punish myself for things, and just wishing I were not here. I keep listening to Metric's song Blindness, part of the lyrics are:

You gave me a life I never chose
I wanna leave, but the world won't let me go
Wanna leave, but the world won't let me go

It summarizes how I feel. Allen, my best friend has been under stress and has had an extremely short fuse with me, probably because I don't argue back, and I am ruining every part of his life. Shortly after my last post he angrily told me how I am causing suffering in every part of his life. Work, home, school, everywhere. Just by me living I cause worry to him, which is horrible.

My ex boyfriend has also decided to be nice in public but has deemed me such a horrible person that he wants nothing to do with me unless it is in a public setting.

I was sitting in the ER because I couldn't stand my back pain, slicing my arm over and over, security came and told me I couldn't do that. So I went outside and did it. They skipped over me in the ER rotation. I waited 3 unnecessary hours at the county hospital... No psych evaluation was done, despite me hurting myself and the fact that I was feeling extremely suicidal given the above things.

Allen I think has realized that he is just a friend to me, and so now he is taking it out on me. He doesn't want to hang out as much, he doesn't want to do things as much. Yesterday he and another friend of mine went to my ex's to play the new Guilty Gear. He dropped me off in Little Tokyo.

He forgot about me pretty much, picking me up at nearly 1:30AM. Then he was also very angry and cold to me on the ride home. I am beginning to wonder if perhaps it is me, but with other friends, like the third friend playing the game, and others, they are fine with me.

Strangers find me kind. I cannot figure out what I am doing wrong to upset the people that I really do not want to upset, and it is making me sick.

Starting school was awkward and a huge let down for me. I am so bad socially outside of video game or anime places, and the wheelchair, I am isolated. I sit right in front, alone. Some of the students talk to me a little, but it is just general chit chat. The teacher "Hall-sensei" is complicated and a greedy lil bitch. I asked about getting copies of pages of homework as I was awaiting financial aid and she was astonished, saying it was against copyright, HER copyright. 

I studied hard for a huge test on Wednesday and then she was like you can use your charts to read the Hiragana, which seemed to defeat the point of the quiz, but only the charts that held HER copyright you see. I fortunately knew everything, but I was kind of pissed that other people will get 100% without studying at all.

Allen gets stressed about me and the school. I have to be in the wheelchair. I can barely handle the drive there. Fortunately the nurse was kind enough to give me a temporary handicap placard for the college as I am seeing my back surgeon Friday.

Allen forgot about the appointment and got so upset when I reminded him for the uptinth time 2 weeks ago... He got angry at me when he asked what comics I wanted to keep reading, when months, MONTHS ago I told him I just wanted the My Little Pony comics, hey they are good.

Every time that I tell him something and he forgets I get his brutal wrath, and I don't know what to do about it, I just want to cut. I started up music and began writing this post this time. Some 'band' nearby who is new is trying to practice but I pissed him off today over a rubber band, like REALLY pissed him off. Allen never got angry back when I met him years ago, it is so weird that he gets so angry all the time now.

I can't even retreat into World of Warcraft. The guild that I got him into, that I helped build up, I was discussing things that he had told me, and then he recanted everything and said he didn't say any of it. He had said things like people in raiding positions would be removed from the guild if their dps was too low for example, without warning, or notice either, so they would have no idea why they were kicked. You would think they might get a demotion, but no. Yet he changed his entire story, and I had to leave the guild.

He keeps fretting when I hurt badly, and I am scared when he comes to my aid. I am terrified to ask him for anything, when before he used to help me so much. He almost scares me as much as my first two ex boyfriends scare me. It is like I am just waiting for him to start hitting me, lol.

So I started taking video, I am going to put it up on youtube and link it, from the ER and other times. Our great and wonderful medical system at work!

I was unable to get into any other classes except Japanese. As depressed as I have been, I do not think I can really handle much more anyway. I just sort of wish the wind could blow me away into dust so I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. There is no lawsuit, there is no help, SSI is going to fight me tooth and nail that there is work out there somewhere. It makes me even more depressed ironically.

School and a gap in medication

I get many of my medications that help me deal with my psychological issues through PAP, or patient assistant programs, essentially the drug companies help patients get the medications, and get to use it as a tax write-off.Two of them the companies send to the clinic I see my psychiatrist at, and looking at the expiration dates, they are bottles that would expire if they saw pharmacy shelves.

During my hiatus I had to go to the hospital. I couldn't urinate. I am still having issues with it, and it's painful. My phone has finally been shut off due to none-payment, so if my doctor's office calls back they will call my roommate's cell. My back began hurting more about four weeks ago, and it slowly has been hurting worse and worse, until I had to go to the hospital last week. An MRI showed nothing changed, so I am confused as to what is going on.

Emotionally I was in a bad place... That is why I did not blog. I cut myself badly, huge gashes in my arm. I actually was cutting in the ER waiting room and never was evaluated psychologically. But, they are not healing very well they are so deep. There was a really bad incident that occurred between me and my best friend... and then on top of that;

It is strange for me to have to actually have to take pain medication daily. It has grown so bad I am unsure if I will even try to venture out on Friday. This past Friday was interesting, I got to talking to an ex LVN at a bar (licensed vocational nurse), and he was familiar with what was wrong with me. Then he got drunk and was trying to feel me up and security had to remove him.

So World of Warcraft has been the only thing I have, I found a way to set up a laptop far away-ish, use my usb keyboard, and mouse, while lying veeeerrrryy slightly incline, with my knees propped up to supposedly help my back. Don't feed the trolls they say. Online, especially in games. I fed one, and had a spectacularly idiotic conversation that made little sense.

Right now I am watching a documentary about Westboro Baptist Church. I love the scene in God Bless America (Google for the Red-banner trailer, much better.) where they run over and attack the parody of Westboro. The fact that the documentary is so off-hands and does not try to argue or make a point against the inbred morons is good. It doesn't feed the trolls. That is why groups like Westboro are able to keep going.

So World of Warcraft and Netflix life is about to finally change some. Monday I start school, one class. I was given faulty info that I didn't need to hop online to register on day one that the classes opened, but that was incorrect, lol... ah, that isn't funny. I found some other colleges that are offering classes online that still have open seats and I have applied to all of them. I am hoping that by the time I am into the school, at least some of those online seats will be open.

This class on Monday though, it is in real life, in the classroom, which presents a huge mountain of problems. I am wheelchair bound at the moment and without a handicap placard. The college is kind of on a huge mountain actually, and the parking up top gets full. I can get dropped off with my chair I suppose, but handling the down ramps can be hard if they are graded too steeply. I am trying not to think about it, just show up to the class, see if I can do it, and if I can, keep going.

A dream I have had since highschool I am finally able to fulfill. I could not fulfill it before now because of physical conditions, but I have finally just given up that I will not be suffering in pain while attending a course. Next semester, perhaps I can try more courses. It is disgusting that I had to wait so many years to attend college because I have not had the money, because my father made too much money for me to qualify for any governmental financial aid. Shame on me for not getting married or having a baby.

Could it be because of your condition?

7-22- Depression weighs me down so heavily that motivation to do anything is so difficult. It is binding. It is a prison that is nearly inescapable. My body feels heavy. The nerve pain in my legs and back seem to ache worse. There seems no reason for anything good, or anything bad. Time drags on slowly, yet it stands still at the same time. I could lie here in a daze for hours and not even realize the passage of time.

Food loses taste. Thoughts come so sluggishly, yet can constantly bombard me at the same time. It is 5PM and I have done only one thing of the numerous things that I swore that I must do, and that was only because of a fluke phone call that I received. I want to just sleep on forever, never wake up. Live in my dreams, despite the fact that nightmares were what I woke to this morning.

I cannot enjoy reading, writing, playing any of my video games. I am in stasis  Suspended animation of my soul.

7-29-
So the idea has been posed, could M have ended our relationship because the surgery did not fix me? My previous boyfriend left me as soon as he heard I was filing for SSI. On Friday I saw him for the first time since I repo'd my PS3 and I also heard a few more things that was news to me.

I realize I need to name my best friend because he is causing so much trouble, Allen, he was told some things by M that was kept from me completely and that affected my behavior and made me look crazy when if I had known the situation I would have behaved differently.

M was surprised that Allen had kept it from me. But Allen likes me, did he keep it from me to better his own chances? Or was it just him being lazy and not telling me anything like he constantly does?

But the big question on everyone's lips, "Do you think he might have left because of your physical condition?" And the sad thing is that I cannot say yes, nor no, with certainty in my heart. I thought before Friday for sure the answer was no, for sure no... But on Friday I saw M, he was there at the arcade, along with tens of other people I had not seen for a long time.

I confided in a friend who had a very bad situation with a girl some years ago about what had happened as I was trying not to hyper-ventilate as I downed a Valium pill. He eventually got me to identify M and was bugging me as to why and how I would possibly date him in the first place. Then I had to re-explain that I had been ambushed, I hadn't planned to date him.

Another gamer girl was there, and she paid me barely more attention than she did at the birthday party that I threw for her last year. It's funny how much I tried to be her friend and she was happy to take the gifts and use me when she needed something, but she is never there if I need something. Also I suspect she is the person whom M desires.

On World of Warcraft I seem to get most of my outside personal connections with people. I have fun trolling sometimes, and have even willingly shown photos of myself to the entire General Chat populous. Surprisingly no one goes and calls me down for being ugly or fat, like how I feel, maybe it is just the depression and anxiety? They think I am very attractive. How can I be single?

Could it be because of my back?

I saw M cry several times about very painful topics or things... I got him alone a moment on Friday and asked him if he cried at all the day he broke up with me. I couldn't stop sobbing. He stared coldly at me and asked if it mattered, and I said that yes, it mattered to me. He said no, he hadn't.

How can I be single?

Because of my back.

I got stood up for a dinner date from some guy in his late 30s or maybe even early 40s, that hadn't seen me in the wheel chair, but I did have the cane. I am a catch for someone who looks the way he did, at least if I go by popular opinion.

It is some horrid cycle. My back and my depression. I am held down physically by pain, and then held down emotionally by depression from the MDD or Bi-Polar, or depression caused by events caused because of my back.

As I was typing that part above last week, I was staring at that bottle of blood pressure medication. I still can't get rid of it. No one knows I have it. I just want that escape button available to press if I really need it. As I finally begin to fall out of love with M, realizing I am just a piece of used trash, there is no reason for me not to be depressed. My back is not healing right. My stay in Hellmont ruined it healing properly. Permanent nerve damage has occurred. I can't sit up for more than an hour before keeling over in pain. SSI, what job can I do, lying in bed all day, popping 3 Dilaudid every day as I am now having to do just to deal with the pain. The pain had become out of control. The nerve roots must be very flared up. So I have to end this post. because just my shoulders being up is too painful.

This is why I am single.

PTSD and ADHD

I had been suffering a severe bi-polar episode. Fortunately I have calmed down. I got home extremely late last night, and I wanted to pull my hair out because of the ineptitude of my roommate. I drove us home last night, which is a common occurrence given that he is often very tired, and really too sleepy to drive safely, and my insomnia (even before Hellmont), keeps me pretty wide eyed and bushy tailed until wee morning hours.

He needed some allergy medication, and OTC, that I take, so he took some from my medication purse...  Yes, sadly I have a little, well not too little purse, for all of my medications that I take on a scheduled time. So he took some. Once we arrived home I over looked that the bag was still in the car, thinking he had it, because I had no idea where he had put it after taking the loratidine.

My roommate had the gall to be angry at me that I somehow forget the medications in the car, when I didn't even know where the hell he had left them! I nearly collapsed outside trying to retrieve them, I was in so much pain. He was upset with me that I had failed to get it from his car, and had to wake him up as I was putting things in place in my room (as I was starving and put water to boil on the stove first, and got noodles), and noticed they were missing, and he hadn't taken them with my backpack. How on earth was I supposed to know where he put them?! His immaturity is just so annoying at times, because he is generally so intelligent.

He has such a short fuse when it comes to me, though. Anything I might say or do can make him quickly snap at me. It finally got so bad that I left my guild in World of Warcraft because I felt so stressed being in there with him. The anxiety was too much for me to bear.

I was able to speak to him about the WoW thing, but as he is at work right now, I have not yet been able to discuss what happened last night, or well early this morning. Perhaps next time I just shouldn't let him touch my things.

So yesterday was a generally nice day. There is a young man who is from out of state who comes to the arcade nearly daily who has taken a liking to me. Unfortunately his liking is a bit too much, I can see the jealousy he has when other guys talk to me and it bothers me a lot. He also is extremely sexual so we definitely would not be compatible dating.

I am not sure how to say, hey dude, I have PTSD from severe sexual abuse nearly most of my life, so yeah, I don't think this'll work. He is also very immature, too, which I have witnessed and heard first hand and before my eyes.

There were two guys who did not seem to be immature creeps who did seem to take a liking to me though. One actually likes Blazblue! The other I did not get to speak to for very long, but it is more likely that I might get more of a date with him perhaps to get to know him better, and I am sure that I could pull him into the scene.

It is frustrating that my anxiety has to go up and down throughout the day and night, for days. I really do not handle it well. Yesterday the pain was very bad. I casually played with several people, but the pain broke through my facade of me just having some minor ailment that makes me use a cane. I've had to take my Dilaudid yesterday and today just to not go and crawl up to the freeway and let a semi truck hit me.

At least there are amusing things to see. While writing this post I got very distracted, damn ADHD, and wound up watching leaked My Little Pony movie footage, but it took much work to get it. It was very enjoyable. It is one thing that I really like, because it is so happy and innocent I suppose. So mentions of yesterday are actually of Friday, lol. I started this post at 2PM, it is now after 2AM....

Bi-Polar- Depression Swinging In

Some names may have been changed.

So, I have said that I have had a general happiness for life for some time now... but it has not kept my demons at bay of my mental illnesses. I realized that I was delaying posting on here, the only real outlet I have, due to being severely depressed. I have been idolizing suicidal thoughts, carefully trying to calculate how much of blood pressure medication and sedative that it would take to put me to sleep forever.

Last night as I sat up with the insomnia gained from Hellmont, because of the kleptomaniac who kept coming into my room to steal my panties, origami, and glasses. I was freaking out badly, just apologizing to my deceased mother that the life that she had given to me was too difficult and not pleasurable enough... I broke down and called someone I hadn't really spoken to in a very long time.

In all honesty hostility and anger that even right now I still hold, along with fear of his feelings that he had and I feared might still have for me, have kept me from maintaining our friendship. I have just sort of observed his life from afar. His life being public enough for me to watch it from afar for the most part, just not the small details. It helped, speaking to him. At the same time it made one thing worse, how I feel about my first boyfriend, and if I ever return back to where I was raised near Chicago, IL how people will treat me because of the lies that he has instilled into everyone. It is much alike how my father has gone around speaking of me of being some drug using tramp. Ha, perhaps they worked together?

My first boyfriend was a nightmare, the entire situation was a nightmare, the whole thing was something that also could have been avoided and should have been... because who I spoke with early this morning in my hyper-depressive state, he was the one that I wanted to date, when Tim began to flirt and plant the seeds of making me interested in him.

Tim was best friends with Kevin. Now Kevin was super nerd, well he still is, and shy and kind and sweet and yeah pretty much my type of guy, and so I was flirty and tried to find out if he had a girlfriend, and he even was able to puzzle out that I had slyly tried to find out if he was single without straight out asking it! Unlike other nice shy guys who I may have interest in more recently.

Tim had a crush on me though, and because of this Kevin set aside my feeling, his own crush on me, and let Tim pursue me... Kevin also set aside his fear of knowledge of how violent Tim could be, thinking that Tim would never hurt a girl, but he was very wrong. Now Kevin and Tim are friends again, and I think Tim has convinced Kevin that everything that happened between us was consensual and nice, but sadly it was not so. This is where some of my PTSD comes from, what Tim did to me.

For 2 months Tim was really nice and sweet, well 1 1/2 months. Then, something trivial made his anger spike and he hit me. Of course he said he was sorry, he lost control, he would never do it again, and I believed it. I believed it the second time, too. Once he began to leave bruises and sprained muscles I began to get scared, and he said that if I left, well hinted, that I would not be safe. Then I was raped at 2 months, and after dismissed and told to go walk home in the cold fall weather. I was freezing and every step hurt, but I soon learned the trick was to try not to fight it.

I went to my father for help, explaining what was going on, knowing that if I went to police, given how the police protected my father illegally kicking me out, they probably would contact him, I wanted to know what he would say. I only begged one thing, that he not tell my step-mother. He later contacted me, saying, "We know you're lying." So he broke his promise, and somehow knew something that was completely untrue? I bruised my own neck for some reason?

Because of Tim anything beyond kissing causes extreme anxiety, and I mean ANYTHING. Like, you move off my face and I have flashbacks often, I cry, I scream, I jump, I run away, except with M.... M was an exception, and that was why I was so upset last night. Today is his birthday. I wish that I could celebrate it with him. I wish I was still with him. The only guy that I have dated that did not rile up my PTSD.

I sort of had a date on Friday night, sort of impromptu, a guy was like want to eat? It was just us two, and he was flirting, so yeah, date, no date, whatever. Even with him he dredged up problems towards the end that left me quiet and troubled for the end of the night and the entire weekend, hence my long absence.

Kevin told me after Tim finally got tired of me and left me that he knew Tim was violent. Kevin told me about his crush. Kevin even maintained a crush and held his angst against me for years after I left home. Speaking with him helped me in the short-term, but now my mind is swarming with so many other things. Yes, yes, I am so fit to work as I struggle not to swallow that bottle of pills over there. I would get rid of them, but I want them, just in case....

Just in case I cannot take it anymore... Hellmont introduced permanent nerve damage and two new nerves that hurt from my tail bone, so if the pain or emotional pain becomes too much to handle, I just want that back-up. Especially if Kevin doesn't like me anymore, it's good if he despises me now. One more person who won't give a s*** if I am gone.

The World Without Us [dual post]

So I often watch documentaries to fill time in my day, often to learn or just be entertained. Sometimes I watch very slanted ones simply for amusement, but today I revisited one that I had watched some time ago called The World Without Us.

Now a lot of the people on Netflix have given it bad reviews, but I am guessing that very few of them have taken college level world history classes. So many points in the movie echo true. Many countries depend on U.S. military force occupying them or a nearby country, yet so often Americans are resented.

There was a woman who was very angry at Clinton over her son’s death at the hand of Serbians. Yet, the entire situation was that Dutch military had come into the area, handed over their uniforms and weapons to the genocidal Serbs and stood by as the Serbs used this to trick thousands of people to their deaths with a promise of protection, pretending that they were with the Dutch. It seems much more that if the Dutch had not come, or at least not helped genocidal radicals, her son could very well be alive today yet she is angry at the U.S.

It covered Europe, the Middle East, and Asia, and the hostilities that the USA handles and what might happen if the USA pulled out. You even saw people from countries stating frankly that they depend on America to defend them.

The reason I decided to watch it again was to try to fire up the urge to seek justice for myself and find inspiration for my novel series. The horrible injustices in North Korea and China, nearly the entire Middle East, most of Africa… At the end as the credits rolled, someone from Taiwan said that Americans take their democracy for granted, and it is true. Most of us go about life taking many things for granted, food to eat, a bed to sleep in, and safety. I did for the first seventeen years of my life, but after I was kicked out because my gold-digger step-mom didn’t want me in the picture, I began to learn to appreciate a lot.

I suppose I should perhaps explain that a little more. I have been on my own since shortly after my seventeenth birthday. My mother was advised to abort me before I was born, due to pre-eclampsia, high blood pressure caused from pregnancy. She wound up getting eclampsia and it damaged her kidneys, and she later had full kidney failure. My father on a whim got tested to see if he could donate when I was 6, and he was a near perfect match. He hadn’t been tested previously because the odds of a married couple being a match would be like one in a million. So he gave her a kidney, and she had to be on immunosuppressants to prevent rejection. This essentially made her like people who had AIDS before the 2000’s.

She began to die on a Friday night on February 2, 2001, and died early in the morning on the 3^rd after the life support machines had been removed. She had been in a coma for quite some time. By the next Saturday my father was dating the woman he is now married to.

Manipulative does not even begin to describe Nancy, who is an ex-drug user. She seemed kind to me while my elder sister was in the house. My older sister ran with a bad crowd, did poorly in school, skipped classes, and would argue with my parents constantly, even destroying the last thing that I made with my mom.. Literally tearing it to pieces in her rage, and throwing it at our father and step-mom.

Once my sister turned 18, my father was going to give her a month to move out, but my sister left on her own accord before he had a chance to even tell her. Then suddenly my parents began to have the same “problems” with me. I was not sleeping around with guys, I hadn't even kissed one! I was getting straight A’s, applying into a gifted program to take college classes in high school. Socially I was involved with church youth group activities.

Many times I was randomly taken to a doctor to have my blood drawn and tested for non existent drugs, that still to this day I have never partaken in, but my father travels to Narcotic Anonymous meetings internationally and claims that I did. I got a part time job once I turned sixteen, saved up and bought a car. Once I was seventeen I had church, job, school, theatre, and I cleaned the entire house and did half of the cooking, although I was not allowed to eat with my parents any longer.

The day I was kicked out my father attacked me, I blacked out for a second and I remember the water bottle that hit my head and him punching me, I curled up, trying to protect my head, when my step-mother’s sister finally yelled for the both of us to stop it. I was committing a wrong by doing nothing? It was all because I was told to find a second job, and I hadn't found one yet.

The school program I was in actually told parents to try to keep us students from even getting one job during the school year, the courses were so intense. It had nothing to do with money, as I mentioned he has spoken internationally, my father is well off.

I then learned how much it meant to have a bed, food, shelter, safety, warmth, health, and much more. It was then I decided that I wanted to be able to effect people for the good. In some of the documentaries I hear about people who have escaped from North Korea and they talk about how they only ate rice, and I recall when I would only have a bit of rice as a meal for the day myself- if even that. Perhaps that is why I watch so many of those films, even though those countries as a whole are so much worse off, I can sadly relate to many of the people.

Sleeping with several pairs of pants on, sweaters, and a coat, and you are still cold is not fun. You wake up in your bed, under your blanket, you are cold and you see your breath despite being indoors..... 

When I came to California and I received help from my now-ex boyfriend’s family, I was so grateful, to the point that they were often confused. Eating food everyday had become a novelty to me. Then when I began to work, a job that was dollars above the minimum wage, it was even more amazing. But they would ask me, why was I so happy just to have food offered to me? Why was I so happy to have new clothing? Why did it make me so overjoyed to get shoes?

Even now, after I got hurt, although it is difficult to survive off of only food stamps and the generosity of others, food stamps offer more than I ever expected from when after my mother died, until when I moved here. Then when I got hurt and I got state disability, I did not have money for food, ironically I got too much money from disability for food stamps, despite my medical bills leaving only around $20 a month for food. Food stamps now gives me $200 a month for food, and I don’t have medical bills.

What is wrong with our government? People who really need help do not get it, just because of numbers.