911 & my "Family"

[[My previous post to this I was complaining about Maria, my landlord's [Tony's] mother, who began to live here over a week ago... on the couch. She speaks only Spanish, only a few English words, although she understands a few, and she speaks Spanish at me as if she has expectations for me to understand, and if frustrated that I do not speak it... Which I dealt with a lot working at CVS in Van Nuys, people who spoke Spanish and were annoyed that I did not speak Spanish.]]

Then she gives up after a while, realizing that I just don't understand what she is saying. Also Maria, she treats her family very horribly. She takes advantage of them, and blackmails them into helping her. Her son Tony, my landlord, she was furious at him a while ago for never taking her to the doctor or other places during Monday-Friday during normal business hours, you know when people typically work... "My nephew always takes me! Yet you can never take me and you're my own son!" She said. Her nephew is unemployed. Her son works during the week.

Once she got evicted and needed help leaving her apartment though, her son did take days off of work to help her. That was a serious enough event for him to help her! Despite the things she said to him about him never helping her! She also says horrible things about her grandkids. She despises one of her own daughters because her grandson, her daughter's son, is gay. As if it is the daughter's fault and something so terrible.... And there are so many other things.

So when she came here and began living here, I was anxious. She'd already stolen items here and there when visiting. (total klepto) She's taken a couple of my items from the garage. When I was in the bath she went into my room for some reason, I have no idea what she did in there, but she went in.

Yet she is friendly enough to always say "hola" and maybe how are you, in Spanish. (Google keeps going nuts about Spanish words being spelled wrong sorry). Also I think other pleasantries that I have NO idea what she is saying let alone how to spell. She's even offered me food she's been making when I've gone to the kitchen. She's tried asking me questions... She thinks that I am very beautiful [she said this one night that I was so beautiful that her middle son's girlfriend would have to be careful, he'd probably come over here so often to see me, now that I'd moved in... Ironically he comes over a lot because he works nearby, and he lives a few hours' drives away.] But she's called me beautiful since then, too. I always say thank you, or reply back.

So I had this brief conversation regarding my last boyfriend with my best friend... My last boyfriend was the nicest of my three boyfriends.

Brackets [these things] indicate things that have been added after the fact. Also my Bestie has been referred to as Allen before.

[10:27 AM] Best Friend: Marcus is an asshole

[10:27 AM] Neptune Fallen: well I mean when we were dating

[10:27 AM] Best Friend: I told you that when you started dating him, lol

[10:27 AM] Neptune Fallen: he was nice to me

[10:27 AM] Neptune Fallen: did you? [say that]

[10:27 AM] Neptune Fallen: he treated me nice

[10:28 AM] Best Friend: Yeah, and you got upset at me about it

[10:28 AM] Neptune Fallen: he was sweet to me

[10:28 AM] Neptune Fallen: sorry... I should have listened [[I REEEEEEALLY should have]]

[10:28 AM] Best Friend: and you even told him that I said that in front of me, like out of spite

[10:28 AM] Best Friend: "Best Friend says you're an asshole."

[10:28 AM] Neptune Fallen: well, he always said himself he was an asshole

[10:28 AM] Best Friend: he is an asshole

[10:28 AM] Neptune Fallen: he is [after all]

[10:28 AM] Neptune Fallen: lol

[10:29 AM] Best Friend: He's not like Mike Watson asshole, lol

[10:29 AM] Neptune Fallen: anyway at the TIME

[10:29 AM] Neptune Fallen: he wasn't an asshole to me

[10:29 AM] Best Friend: Yeah, then he was just being biased

[10:29 AM] Neptune Fallen: I know

[10:29 AM] Neptune Fallen: and I knew

[10:30 AM] Neptune Fallen: so I was like Belle in Once Upon A Time, like there's good in you! You can't be so bad....

[10:30 AM] Best Friend: Yeah, don't ever go into a relationship hoping you can change someone

[10:31 AM] Neptune Fallen: no, I just figured that I liked how I was treated and I thought I would be treated that way

[10:31 AM] Neptune Fallen: and maybe he might treat others that way when I was around more

[10:31 AM] Neptune Fallen: and he did to some extent

[10:33 AM] Neptune Fallen: but anyway also like a scale like that my dating scale gets better, James raped and beat me, [name removed-2cd bf dated for 6.5 years] controlled me, and raped me, Marcus was an asshole who manipulated me into sexual things I didn't want

[10:34 AM] Neptune Fallen: OKAY Maria Sr, she kind of like speaks to me in Spanish expecting me to understand, but she is nice I guess.... sort of...

[10:35 AM] Neptune Fallen: She is a total bitch in other regards. She is not accepting of gays or a lot of other things, and she treats people really mean. She was guilting Tony for not helping her with things because he had work, like "Oh why wouldn't you help me? My nephew did (who has no job) why can't you?"

[10:36 AM] Neptune Fallen: So when she came here I saw a lot of her bitchy behavior. But she's been nice to me.

[10:36 AM] Neptune Fallen: Kind of like Marcus.

[10:36 AM] Best Friend: Watch how people treat others to get a good gauge of them

[10:36 AM] Best Friend: You can't just look at how they treat you

[10:37 AM] Neptune Fallen: So like 30 min ago, I went to get some water----she treats Alex [my roommate and Tony's step daughter] the WORST

[10:37:15 AM] Best Friend: If they're undeservedly mean to them, then they have the capacity to be undeservedly mean to you.

All above I wrote a while ago, below I wrote a lot earlier.

So like 30 min ago, I went to get some water----

The last months, weeks, and days, my back, the pain has been worsening... and as I limped out of my room with my cane and empty water bottles, headed to the kitchen, I thought I was okay. I got there, and there was Maria, Tony's [my landlord] mother talking on the speaker phone, on her cell phone, with friends or family in Spanish loudly and happily. Laughing and smiling. 

I walked past her, nodding, smiling, and hiding my limp and pain, walking with my back straight, to the fridge, pretending that I was completely okay and not hurting what-so-ever. I began to fill the first bottle with the fridge's filtered water and when I was almost done--it hit me, like someone shot me with a gun. Pain, weakness, numbness, and all of it just shooting from that spot in my back and down my legs. Even right now at 1PM, after taking a lot of pain meds, I am hurting very terribly.

My knees weakened from pain, which I leaned on my cane, but the legs wouldn't support me because of the weakness.I grasped at the fridge as I slowly fell downward, my legs failing me. Sitting on the floor, the pain was so terrible, I finally just lied down to relieve my back from the pain of sitting. I glanced to Maria, and she was still chatting loudly with whomever she was speaking with, staring off in that other direction.

It was my horror when I glanced at her still chatting loudly with what sounded like friends, glancing at me briefly and then ending her conversation, then coming over to try to get me to stand. The following explains it. (I refill 500ml/16.9oz/1pt,0.9oz bottles, the small kind you often purchase in a pack or from a vending machine.)

[10:37 AM] Neptune Fallen: And she was on the phone talking to people, family I think from the way they were talking.

[10:39 AM] Neptune Fallen: And I had 3 bottles, I went to fill up the first one, and after I was like 90% done, like a shot in my back it hit and I let out a gasp. My legs went out, I couldn't stand, they wouldn't support so much weight, and I grasped at the fridge as I tried to support as much weight as I could, but that wasn't much, as I went to the floor.

[10:39 AM] Neptune Fallen: Finally in pain, I was lying on the floor, trying not to cry out in pain, hoping that she wouldn't notice. I kept glacing over, but she seemed absorbed in her conversation, looking the other way. I had fallen down pretty quietly.

[10:39 AM] Neptune Fallen: It took a lot of effort.

[10:40 AM] Neptune Fallen: So finally when I glace over I noticed she was glacing my way, still on the phone, speaking in Spanish to people, still sounded like friends or something, and finally she gets off and tries to get me up.

[10:40 AM] Neptune Fallen: I say no, no no...

[10:41 AM] Neptune Fallen: She keeps trying to grab my arm to get me up, but I shake my head, I can't... Then I say "my walker", and make a gesture. and she understood. She'd seen me with it yesterday.

[[She was grabbing my arm trying to get me up, trying to be helpful, probably thinking that I was capable of getting up, or hesitant. She has no idea that I am injured.]]

[10:41 AM] Neptune Fallen: So she goes and grabs it, and she helps me up, actually grabbing my arm and helping me up.

[10:43 AM] Neptune Fallen: The second person in the house, next to Alex, to actually help me like this, but she was more honest and concerned. She spoke words of comfort and urging [at least I think] as I cried out in pain and tried to get to my room. She helped to push my walker along.

[10:43 AM] Best Friend: That's nice of her

[10:43 AM] Neptune Fallen: So I get to my room, let the walker go to grab onto things to crawl into my bed and she stands there for a minute before I say thanks and give her a thumbs up, despite panting and whimpering.

[10:44 AM] Neptune Fallen: She then shows up with the bottle I'd filled and she watches as I down like 8 pills. [1 Dilaudid- severe pain, 4 t tramadol- double dose moderate pain, 1 norco- single dose moderate pain, 2 baclofen- normal dose pain/muscle relaxation]

[10:44 AM] Neptune Fallen: I know.

[10:44 AM] Neptune Fallen: Then she leaves before I can try to ask about the other two bottles... which I feel bad asking for, lol.

[10:45 AM] Neptune Fallen: And she is knocking on Christie's door, and then Christie shows up at my door and asks, "What happened?"

[10:45 AM] Neptune Fallen: "Oh, I just fell at the fridge trying to get water," I say, like it is nothing, which I feel it is. I fall all the time. I fell twice yesterday!

[10:46 AM] Neptune Fallen: "Well the ambulance is on its way." [Christie calmly tells me, like I should be relieved. Like this is great news, I will be getting help!]

[10:46 AM] Neptune Fallen: "You called an ambulance? Oh fuck!" I reply before I can think

[10:47:14 AM] Neptune Fallen: "I didn't mean to say that... I'm sorry... oh god... just... ugh," and like seconds later she moved out of the way cause there was a paramedic. [Actually as I am saying this, trying to work an apology she moved out of the way for this rather handsome male paramedic.]

[10:47 AM] Best Friend: >.<

[10:47 AM] Neptune Fallen: "What happened?" [he asked.] and I had to explain everything. According to what he had [been told], I fell [down and], was unconscious [on the floor] at the fridge, and he was [really] urging me to go to the hospital.

[10:48 AM] Neptune Fallen: And I was like, "no, I have chronic pain and back issues, I see Dr. Herman at VCMC, I am waiting to see a specialist in L.A. I know like all the ER doctors at VCMC [Ventura county medical center, the hospital), they'd be annoyed to see me."

[10:48 AM] Neptune Fallen:" Well you shouldn't not go to the ER because you are afraid to upset the doctors", he said.

[10:49 AM] Neptune Fallen: And I facepalm, "Well like I've been told like I shouldn't come back. [by more than one ER doctor at VCMC]" He asks normal questions, anything new, did I hit my head, etc etc.

[10:50 AM] Neptune Fallen: Again [he] urges me to come with them to the ER. [I have never been more pressed by a paramedic to go to the ER before lol.]

[10:50 AM] Best Friend: If you went to the ER everytime you fell you'd be at the ER more than you're at home

[10:50 AM] Neptune Fallen: I am like "This happens a lot, like all the time. She is new to living here, and she doesn't speak English, so I couldn't explain that to her."

[10:51 AM] Neptune Fallen: So I sign a release that I am ignoring medical advice, and I also asked about my room, and he said that it could be cleaner but it's not like condemnable like Tony's mother's house way (which is what Tony was worried about), so after they left I picked up [my room some, the things he mentioned, that the path to my bed was messy].

[10:52 AM] Neptune Fallen: I also told them that I kind of need things near my bed to GET into my bed cause I fall and need to lift myself into it a lot.

[10:52 AM] Neptune Fallen: and ROFL at your comment, esp at how long they take to see people [at the hospital].

[10:53 AM] Neptune Fallen: So they left finally, and I was alone, I thanked Maria, knowing her intention was good, and she helped me a lot with the walker and getting to my bed. Christie I was able to ask her to fill my other water bottles, and then finally I explained this to you. 

I also had to take some anti anxiety medicine because I was freaking out, and then I fell asleep for a period because the medicine made me so drowsy. Then I wrote above, and have been here and there linking things, working on things for this and other things, talking on Facebook to people I have not spoken to for a while and here I am now at nearly 4PM.

A lot of people I never expected read my blog.... So many see my life as unfair and sympathize with it, which I cannot blame them. If I were someone reading my blog I probably would, too. I spoke to a friend of mine today who couldn't believe that my father was so willing to help me in only one way when I was homeless...

I was homeless a few months ago, before I came to live here. His idea was that I should drop all my medical care, move to Illinois, and instead of living in one of his 2 houses, or condo, that I should talk to someone he knew at a homeless shelter. Which would mean I would have to cancel waiting to see specialists about the seizures and my back, simply so I would have a shelter to stay in Illinois, vs. here where I could just nap on the street or beach at the time.

He got angry at me and stopped speaking to me when I apologized for being a horrible daughter that he hated me so much. I mean my entire life since my mother died he has punished me and denied me assistance and barely any recognition of even care... For months he barely even bothered to find out if I was even homeless or even alive. It was only recent that he found out that I was alive, and not on the street.

I wish I had a family, that'd be so cool... Nearly all of my friends have families. It is only a couple who do not.... It has only been in about maybe the recent year that I have stopped feeling guilty about my envious feelings. That I am in my 20's, and people constantly ask and often ask with the assumption is yes, "do you live with your parents?" I have plenty to be envious of... and it is totally normal. Most people my age have parents, or at least some relatives of some sort who haven't abused them.... or maybe childhood friends-like-family who haven't betrayed them horribly...

So my envy is healthy. It means that I can still feel. And maybe someday, I will have a family, too. For now I have my best friend, I have other friends, like Bunny, Alex, Nathan, other Nathan, Danny, and now Paul is on Facebook. Then there is Gigi and her family who are sort of like family, a cautious precarious family.... but something....... last Christmas it felt like family. Just writing that out, and re-reading it, make me happy. Also, Meroe-- she is awesome, too. I am glad that I messaged her today. She was a great co-worker and friend to me years ago, before I got hurt.

But 6 close people... of them only 5 I know in real life, 2 I've just met, one I met in the last year, and then the other two live far away, so it's hard. But, it's something. I love you guys.

F'in up, Homeless Again, News to Him

Home- It's a place where you feel safe, welcome, wanted. Where you want to go to. A sanctuary. You want to sleep there. Maybe you have family there. And for me it's been the most elusive thing for me to find ever since I discovered how devious and evil my step-mother was.

So I haven't blogged in a while because I thought I had found a secure place, and it was for a while, but things were thrown upside down, at least for while. I thought that I would need to find a new place to go to live, and I know that in my heart that is what I need to do, still.

I've been struggling with money to afford to get to pay for the gasoline to go visit my doctors... Then when I saw my doctor, I tried to share good news, only to have it dashed in my face. Losing 25 lbs isn't enough, lose more. You shouldn't have any romance in your life until your back issues are solved.... That one hurt a lot. Then when I am home I was sat down and told that I was a liability and needed to ... yes, needed to, ..., not really told what needed to be done!

So now my best friend came and he helped me with my room. It is a lot cleaner, which I am SO thankful for his help. Now I can actually find things and work on disposing of donation items, trash, or other things, slowly at pace that doesn't hurt my back, at least too much. Tony, my landlord seems sated with the state of it, not happy, but satisfied enough.

I won't mentioned that I've fallen several times in my room, trying to get out of bed, just from weakness... my back gets worse every day. I need to go grocery shopping for food, but I have no one to take me. I feel like I am in an utterly hopeless situation. Most of my support system has fallen through. There are five people in it-- and I am ignoring them, and I don't know why. And of those five, two of them I've only just met!

Of the two I just met, it was very awesome. I went to Monolith  which was awesome. It was in Ventura. They were friends who play Warcraft like I do, and the place was wheelchair accessible, although it was a humorous way that we discovered this. First we thought that there was no ramp, and only five steps. So I grabbed my cane, and the railing, and made it up, only to discover that there were more steps, and there was a man explaining that there was a ramp on the far side of the building.

So we took the chair back down. I precariously went back down the steps, and we went up the ramps! There were some bumps between different flooring types and I had to guide my new friend on how to overcome the bumps (pull the wheelchair backward). Eventually we reached our destination, really early!

This gave me time to get to know my new friends. Which was awesome. Eventually by the time they were setting up, I was even able to talk to the dude doing the lighting and have the strobe set at a pace where it would not induce seizures upon me. How kind!

An Xbox360 was set up in the rear of the room, and I was told that there was going to be Marvel Vs. Capcom 3, which there never was, but I did wait with anticipation. As time went by and conversation died off I eventually wheeled myself over to the console and tried at King of Fighters '98 not realizing that instead of trying to unlock characters, I was playing an arcade download trial that only had like 8 characters. It was horrible.... some guy tried to join me and it said not available in trial and suddenly I realized why I couldn't unlock anymore characters.

So then... it was Marvel Vs. Capcom 2, which was not a demo. And I don't really know this game too well. Mike Z, who designed Skull Girls, always said that he wanted to "fix MvC2." And I played a fair amount of SG.... so once I recalled how to play MvC2, like after 2 rounds I began whooping the poor guy's ass of who was playing me, and turned on a handicapped, which didn't help him too much. Pfffft and Mike would always be like "learn how to play," you learn how to play Mike...and kick my ass.

And his friend faired little better. So hours of playing video games, I finally took a break and went to the dancefloor in my chair and a girl in a gasmask and cool outfit danced with me until my back hurt. Then I talked to some dude about WoW and how he should get back into it....

When I got home I felt good, until I saw Tony's mother. So I immediately shut myself in my room... and I've stayed here since. I barely leave it. Restroom and water are the things that bring me out. She is creepy. She babbles in Spanish at me as if I understand, which I don't. I am American, I live in the USA, and I speak English. I do not know Spanish, it is a foreign language. It is one hot topic that I feel much heat about in debate.

When I worked in the pharmacy there were so many instances of people who were angry that people did not speak Spanish, or would not speak Spanish to them. California is close to the border of Mexico, but it is not IN Mexico. Spanish is a fucking foreign language, if you come to the USA from another country, learn the native language, which is English. It is infuriating that there is a woman living under the roof right now, who had lived in this country for YEARS and she doesn't speak the FUCKING language! Yet she expects me to know HER FUCKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE?! WE'RE NOT IN MEXICO CREEPY LADY LIVING IN THE LIVING ROOM!!!!!!!

UGH..... I hear arguing and fighting a lot.... Always in Spanish which is fine, it is between the family. I mean, I understood when I moved in with a Mexican family, that yes, they spoke Spanish. That did not mean that I was supposed to learn a fucking foreign language though. When they speak it among themselves to other family members I am not bothered. But when that woman has the audacity to start trying to tell me to DO things, when I am paying rent to live here, and she is free-loading on the couch, and she doesn't evens speak the language of the country she is LIVING in.... AND she has LIVED here in VENTURA LONGER than I have!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER?! There is NO excuse for her NOT to know English!!!!!!!!!!!!

EVERY other immigrant has to learn English, because people don't bow down to their needs, why are Spanish speaking immigrants given exception?! It is so racist and biased it drives me mad, especially because I dated an immigrant for almost 7 years! He was from the Philippines, HE learned English. People from China, learn English, people from Germany, they learn English, people from Russia learn English, Iran, English, Romania, English. Everyone else I know who is from a non-Spanish speaking country they learned English, why do Spanish speakers have something up their asses that makes them feel that they are SO much better than EVERYONE else, that they are SO MUCH MORE entitled than EVERY OTHER SINGLE PERSON including every citizen of the USA and every other immigrant that everyone else should learn Spanish to accommodate them?

Ah yes.... well.... This is something that has been bothering me every since I moved to California. It felt like I moved to another country. I had to study to be a Pharmacy Tech. to find a job, because I didn't speak Spanish actually. No place would hire a fresh high school graduate who had honor roll in AP classes and other good stuff, previous exp, but didn't speak Spanish.

And then my computer crashes.

To have people close to me who are supportive, even if they are busy most of the week, is nice, and I feel unfamiliar with how to deal with it, and I am sure that they both feel rebuffed by how I have ignored them up until we finally met and went out. It all goes back to home. As I return back to the place I live now and get ordered to do things in some foreign language, I do not feel at home, but also for most of my life now, home has been foreign.

When my elder sister left the house, my step mother, not my father, my step-mother began to cite that they were having 'they same problems with me.' [That they had had with my sister.] Almost immediately. It took only about two months.

The problems that lead my father to ask my sister to leave, which he never got the chance, she left before he could ask her to, were numerous. She turned 18, said she had a physical for the Navy in Chicago, and didn't return. But, she was flunking out a grade, failing classes, skipping them, not doing homework, constantly arguing and fighting with our parents, and then later our father and step-mother, she would have friends who did drugs, smoked, and drank alcohol, and she was sleeping around. There were so many other things wrong that she was doing such as sneaking people into the house and wrong doings against me that I shall not mention, but when my step-mother said that they were having the SAME problems with me?! I was astounded.

It began slowly at first. My bedroom was put downstairs, away from them. I was asked to clean more and more of the house. I was asked to cook the meals. I was discouraged to eat the meals with them. I was getting straight A's but if I got a B that was very very bad. I got very involved with church on the weekends, and if I did anything wrong, that would be taken away as punishment. One day I did not hear something that my aunt said to me in the kitchen, so as punishment I was grounded severely for weeks, no television, music, computer, or anything. Not even church. Just because I hadn't heard her. She had asked me to do something after I had descended the stairs to my bedroom. It was her mistake, not mine, but I paid for it.

As I sang the song from Oasis, "As he faced the sun, he cast no shadow," my father grew angry with me and I apologized. They grew upset with me that I was depressed. It was a thing that deserved further punishment, my depression. Soon when I began to self-mutilate, that too also deserved punishment.

So the same problems, I got good grades in college classes, I was devout in church, even volunteering on retreats. I had never kissed, although I had a terrible crush on a guy for years, I hadn't even held hands with a boy except for once, and I felt so guilty! I had never, have never, touched drugs illegally... I wasn't out getting drunk, I did not spend time with people who did drugs or got drunk either. I didn't spend any time with any friends really... Except when they shoved me off to my best friend at the time, who had her son, Nick, she was friends with my sister, had gotten pregnant at 16, and they would constantly abandon me upon her. But I didn't mind, I loved her.

But I cleaned the whole house, I cooked for them, I stayed out of their way, I hadn't kissed a guy, I got good grades, I was nothing like my elder sister, how was I committing any of her errors? But my father listened for some reason and agreed. Shortly after I was 17 I was beaten and kicked out to my best friend Nellie... she'd lost her son by then. My father got away with beating me and kicking me out illegally, too, from the police and children's protective services. Amazing. No one wanted to see my bruised ribs, or listen to what had actually happened.

After that I thought I had a home with Nellie... until I turned 18 and she suddenly told me that she needed me out because she was trying to get her son back... but even before that- she had called me a slut when I had crushed on the same guy as she had and then changed my mind. I 'dated' him for a brief period, but he was too ashamed of me to even hold hands in front of others, so I couldn't handle it, and for that she, my best friend, my ONLY family at the time, called me a slut.... still hadn't kissed.

Then I thought I had found another home until I got news that that was insecure. Then I came to California on vacation and stayed here. I found refuge out here, expecting perhaps to be raped, murdered, left or dead or something... I was raped that first night, not left for dead, but he stopped though.

We were supposed to go to his house, and he made up a fishy excuse that his parents were arguing, so we went to a hotel. He was a nurse, and his scrubs and stethoscope were draped over the seat.... it felt all so planted and fake..... I knew I was being mislead, but I had no choice, I was here in his territory, I had been tricked, I just needed to survive until I could figure out a way back to Chicago.

The hotel was nice. He was nice. We hugged, it was okay. We kissed, it was less ok.... then other things happened and I began to resist, but he seemed not to notice. It was as it he took no notice to my complete and utter resistance to removal of clothing and being touched and kissed and such, how I cringed, cried, shook, whimpered, begged quietly for it to stop. It wasn't until I finally spoke up loudly, yelled for him to stop that it stopped. I had to yell. I was so afraid, expecting a hand to enclose my throat like my first boyfriend would have done, or to cuff my face, like James would have done to me.... but no, instead he stopped.

I was shaking from fear and trauma and he hugged me until I fell asleep. I awoke hours later alone in the hotel room alone.... It was freezing. My things were in his car, and he was gone. He had met me online, had me, and left. I went and took a bath to try to cleanse my shame, it was during this that I heard someone unlock the door. I was terrified that it was a friend of his, coming to have his own turn. When I came out in a towel and holding the hair drier as a blunt weapon I was surprised when it was him... He said he had had to help out at his house and had woken me up and told me, and was so sorry that I'd been worried. I cried as he held me again.

Even after all this, he approached me for sex again and again, even though I trembled and shook and begged..... When I finally asked him about it years later, he broke down as a man, degraded, like he should be, shocked... I hadn't been consenting? How could he have been so blind in the first place is what I wonder. Over the years I finally stopped begging, stopped fighting it, and got used to it... I guess maybe he forgot what was going on, though there were instances where I would protest loudly and it still happened.... and even with this, it was news to him on the day I left.