Of Mermaids and Memories...

The smell of Rainbath in the air as I enter the bathroom and I hesitate, but the sound of water in the pipes brings ice to my veins as memories return like a flood right when I really don't need to be remembering more abuse...

Maybe it was just the details getting a but clearer...? Me trying to stop the abuse or ignore it with a game in my head, in my imagination, just escaping.

Even when I think I've found good relationships, I question just how healthy they are, because I silently let myself suffer things that cause great pain or duress without even speaking up sometimes because I'm so used to just being beaten for trying to say something... or even being told to be quiet for the umpteenth time, I bite my tongue.

But even before that, my sister and cousin fucked me up savagely. Molesting me and even going so far as to put extreme insertion and vaginal and anal impaling in my head as young as 9.... forcing me to "masturbate" for them. Which I had NO idea wtf that was at the time... so... it was just further molestation.

My sister was a teen... god she was like 14 by then, she KNEW better.... just... fml kmn.

....

I'm returning to this a few days later after going camping. I'm sure that my sister suffered something to make her behave the way she did towards me, but, it left indelible scars that I don't know if I want to have anything to do with, esp after things said in the last year.

I didn't want to go back to IL and the reason I didn't say anything about going away to the Sequoia National Park was because I was planning to kill myself. If no one knew where I was, no one would be able to send help... I'd find somewhere with no cell signal and OD with booze and pills. (Specific pills that I won't mention, because I don't want to give ideas, but I'm a pharmacy technician with many medications, that are easily abusable in a self harm sense. I would know.) Out in nowhere I wouldn't find a metal bedpost to konk my head on and vomit the contents of my stomachs as the hit renders me unconscious, too. I wanted no getting lucky this time.

But then a friend's family kind of made me ...realize there was more. That even if I become homeless again, I need to keep struggling. I'll face my fears and somehow come thru either alive or not... and if not and I tried, well, I tried.

Skeptoid Dirty Dozen...

So an interesting thing is that I'd never heard of the "dirty dozen" before Skeptoid, but apparently it is like a list of a dozen crops that are supposedly better to purchase organic vs. non-organic. Now, there are many reasons a person should purchase whatever, but I would weigh it down to flavor and or supporting local businesses/farmers despite the claim that Dunning makes that purchasing local actually costs local farmers more?? Local farmer markets and stores that supply themselves with local and sometimes organic produce often do so because it is cheaper than shipping it across the country and it benefits the small farmer, too. There are a few small independent stores that are even mostly organic that have delicious food that costs a bit more because it is actually not from Mexico and was picked ripe and thus actually tastes amazing when you eat it.

But not eating organic is not going to do any harm. Sure it might not taste as good, but it is cheaper and more sustainable in the long run. I can sometimes buy organic easily because I live in Los Angeles. Farm land surrounds me to the north! There are tons of farms and fields all over the place if I want to bother to even go pick the food myself I could. Most Americans nowadays can't do that.

Now anti-vaccination promotion is just a horrible thing and I've gotten into my share of arguments online with people over this. For some idiotic reason people think that it is of no actual harm to not vaccinate themselves or their own children. They think that they are honestly not hurting anyone else!! I mean, how self-absorbed and literally narcissistic can you get? The man so caught up in staring at his reflection he turned into a flower... that is how these people are, they literally only see themselves and no one else. They don't realize that not everyone can make a CHOICE out of vaccines. Some people cannot receive them because of allergies or immune problems, and thus these people are succeptible to catching the diseases that the vaccines are meant to protect against. For decades these diseases weren't an issue, but suddenly they are... And I don't feel as bad for the children of hippy or hipster parents who are idiots, but I feel horrible for the cancer sufferers, those who have HIV, maybe they had a transplant, or those who have an egg allergy and they can't get a vaccine. So people are catching diseases because idiots are making stupid and selfish choices.

The only correlation between vaccines and autism is that doctors are now taught to recognize autism more now, and the spectrum is wider... They see it in younger children around the time that they give vaccines is the connection. It just happens to be the same age. It's like connecting autism with growth spurts. I mean children that age sure seem to grow a lot in the western world, why aren't people up in arms about how much our children are growing in height and also developing autism? I mean they both are happening at the same time!! 

The next thing that is of note is anti-cell phone... which is funny because this is new, but the FDA says they are safe, but the nation toxicology program now is saying that, yes, they can raise the chance of cancer... which is incredibly amusing to me. I mean sure the rats in the study were exposed to obscene amounts of radiation, but that such a large body is taking such a stance is amusing and bound to raise some hackles in the next few weeks and months I am sure. 

Then GMOs are mentioned, which for some reason people fear all over the world. It's caused people to go hungry rather than eat GMOs in some cases, which is ridiculous. We as humans have been meddling in the genetics of our crops since we first began planting them. Now we just are doing it in a lab is all...

But where I diverge again is sunscreen. It is not that it is super toxic for humans, but apparently it can be damaging to ocean life which has caused a country-wide ban for the Pacific nation Palau!! I actually was completely unaware and only learned about this today when I was reading the article in the AP. There are 'safe' sunscreens, but the unsafe ones won't be allowed into the country. Apparently they kill off coral. So, yeah, Dunning, interesting stuff in counter point!

The Horrible and Terrible Fallen

So... It's been way too long since I last posted. But, I've been writing my feelings in fanfiction. LOL. And in a couple posts that I never posted...

A lot has happened.

My pain doctor, well, he had me only on Norco for a long time... too long. I wound up having the procedure on my back, it was called radio-frequency ablation specifically. First they did the right side, and then they did the left. That was just over a month ago that they did the left side and I am in agony still, but it's a different agony than I was in before they did anything. Technically it worked wonderfully. The nerve pain that I was having in my L5, L4, and L3 nerves have been fixed!! But, now I suffer pain in my S1 nerve that is worse than I had before the surgery, and it's on both sides... I'm having severe muscle and nerve pain branching out in my back, too, and it's just horrible.

It all got so bad I wound up going to the emergency room on Sunday the 8th. Sometime last month the pain was super bad and I wound up taking 6 Norco in one day. When I told my pain doctor about it he told me that if I ever hurt that bad again, go to the ER. So on the 8th when I was taking Norco number 5, well, I realized I should go to the ER. I was watching iHosty play HOTS and soon the clock ticked over and it was Monday the 9th... iHosty actually showed concern when I jokingly said that I wanted to stay and watch but said I had to go to the ER instead of continue watching him... that night sucked.

Allen offered to take me instead of me taking a Lyft there and he was upset that I waited for it to get so late, but I only waited so late because I was hoping that maybe the pain would get better. Maybe the icepacks I was using would help. Maybe all the Norcos, the Diclofenacs (NSAIDs that are non-narcotic), and Flexeril (muscle relaxers) would help... but I was at my daily max... so he drove me to the ER instead of me using Lyft or calling someone to drive me there. Then when we got there he got upset that I wheeled myself inside, causing myself excruciating pain--accidentally; I hadn't realized that it would hurt so much just to wheel myself inside! 

As I entered the ER and he parked the car the security guard tried to ascertain what was wrong with me because I was literally sobbing from agony and I had difficulty speaking between sobs. Somehow I managed to communicate a little.

"Ma'am, are you okay??" The curvy woman asked, extremely concerned as I came inside and to a halt. "What is wrong?" She looked down at me with raised eyebrows.

I studied the room and saw that there were many other people, maybe twenty or more, which for it being 2AM, that was a fair number for a Sunday night--Monday morning... but I managed to stifle my sobs down enough to talk a bit to the security woman.

"My-my b-b-back...." I cried to her, shaking in pain. Then I merely sobbed a couple more seconds then continued, "p-p-pain... r-really bad..."

"You're back pain's really bad?" She repeated back to me, calmly and respectfully. I have to admit in retrospect she was SUPER nice and kind, probably one of the best people I've dealt with in the ER reception area. "Is this a new problem or something you've had before?"

"It's ch-chronic..." I managed a reply, wiping away some tears.

"Okay," She nodded. "You can sign in over there," she pointed. "How about I push you?" She offered and I nodded grateful for her offer. She pushed me over and she explained how I just had to swipe my ID card. While I was doing that she left and came back with hospital tissues and I thanked her. Then she pushed me over to where the chairs were. "Someone will be with you shortly, okay?" And I could only nod vigorously because I was still crying a lot at this time, the movement of my wheelchair awakening a lot of pain. 

Allen came inside and the guard asked if he knew me and he explained he did and she pulled a chair over next to me so he could sit beside me.

"Yo-You don't have t-t-to stay..." I told him. I was aware that he had a very important meeting the next... well now that morning to go to. I had only asked him to drop me off. "You just have to drop me off."

"Let me at least stay until they check you in." He offered, with a smile.

Lately Allen has been cranky with me... He once was my best friend ever and I could turn to him with anything, so him being as nice as he was being felt so alien. We talked a little bit and he was acting so kind, I felt not only like I was dying from the pain, but like perhaps I really was dying cause it felt unreal, him being so nice!

Eventually they called my name and checked my vitals. My blood pressure was a bit high, my hypertension medication apparently working pretty well thankfully, (and maybe all the norco I took too), and everything else OK, too. Then they put me back out in the waiting room. Then Allen didn't leave.

"Dude... you can go home now. You have that important meeting tomorrow." I told him.

"I can't just leave you here alone," He replied to me, sounding aghast, like I was suggesting he force me to walk home a long distance or something.

"I've been to the ER plenty of times. I have my phones. I have my book. I'll be okay. You need sleep," I insisted again, firmly but kindly.

This went on for some time, but eventually he acquiesced and went home.

"Call me if you need me, and call me if you need me to pick you up. Don't use a Lyft if I can get you, okay?" he asked me.

"Alright...." I agreed reluctantly...

I wound up texting a couple friends to see if anyone might be able to pick me up in a couple of hours, but I got literally no replies. I should have taken a Lyft, even if I couldn't have afforded it. He did wind up picking me up hours later just before he had to go into work, and he held it against me, even though he insisted on picking me up. If I hadn't insisted he go home, he wouldn't have gotten any sleep though! I don't understand why he was so, so upset... If he had had his way, he'd have stayed with me at the ER the entire time and not gotten any rest. How would that have been better. 

We wound up getting into an argument and he said really horrible things about me. He thinks that I am just a horrible and terrible person. He literally said such. He told me that other people say those things about me, too. Allen told me that I should just stop being such a despicable person. My best friend... 

"People ask me, 'why do you let her treat you like that?'" he told me... Because sometimes I get upset at him when people are over and he does really dumb ass shit. He'll turn the air conditioner on (when he makes me pay the electric) and not close any of the windows. He does this a lot.... He never used to wash any dishes, like ever, I used to have to wash them all, which would cause me a lot of pain. I would stand there for over an hour washing and eventually I would have to sit down and sob in pain because it just HURT.... And only 1/4 or less of the dishes were mine, because I wash my dishes immediately usually. He hoards them in his room and then when people come over suddenly he fills the entire sink.

Now that my injury has gotten worse I can't clean his dishes any more... People coming over also trash the living room, and he leaves me to clean it all up. Again, this HURTS me... 

When I am doing dishes and he tries to get me to stop and I get angry at him, people think I'm somehow mistreating him??? I mean... what?! I only moved in with him because he was supposed to HELP take CARE OF ME. But there is little care that he gives me. He occasionally will grab me an icepack or bottle of water, and if I ask him to prepare me food the ONLY thing that ever entails is him microwaving something. He refuses to cook for me.

It's not a money thing either... he refuses to accept the money IHSS would pay him for helping to take care of me! So... it's just a fucked up situation...

I used to cook for him almost every day, or every other day actually... aside from doing his dishes.. that's how skewed things were. Now that I desperately need care and I cannot get it, I don't know what I'm doing here. I moved in with him because I couldn't get care where I used to live. Maybe I need to move out from living with Allen for the same reason...



Oh... well.. the ER... at the ER they examined me and realized that I was in a lot of pain and it wasn't being treated well so they wanted to give me a morphine sulfate shot. I am allergic to sulfates, more specifically morphine sulfate. So the doctor asked what I normally get for pain and I told her that I usually get Dilaudid, so they injected me in the arm. I sat crying for another hour in the back after they gave me 1mg... so later they gave me another .5mg and Toradol again in the arm. x__x and they told me I needed an MRI.

Now, why the ER didn't do an MRI there I have NO idea, but they merely just told me I needed an MRI because they think that my spinal cord might be impinged. Well! I have spinal cord stenosis, narrowing of the spinal canal, that wouldn't be a surprise. The next day I went to see my pain doctor as an 'emergency visit.'

Seeing Dr. Kumar urgently he ordered an MRI cause the ER didn't actually give me one, for God only knows why... and he finally FINALLY gave me something stronger than Norco after this lovely conversation.

"So, you went to the ER...." Dr. Kumar said in a drolling way.

"Yeah... You said if I hurt bad enough to take 6 Norco to go. I got to 5, so I decided to go..." I explained to him.

"I see," he replied calmly. "So how has your pain been?"

"It's been really bad. Just really bad. The Norco, the Diclofenac's not helping..." I told him.

"Okay... how about we give you morphine sulfate..." he suggested.

NOW... I've been seeing him a while now. On my chart are my allergies, and the main thing I am allergic to is: MORPHINE SULFATE. I have had a nasty reaction to it, pain, discomfort, trouble breathing, and finally blacking out.

"Uhhh... I'm allergic to that," I shook my head. "I'm allergic to sulfates."

"Oh!" he replied, sounding surprised. "Really? Well, how about I give you tramadol."

"I can try it," I began to explain. "It helped me before, but I began to have seizures because of it. Apparently it's a rare side effect..."

"Oh my goodness," he raised his eyebrows. "Have you tried Percocet?"

"Yeah, a long time ago," I answered. "It seemed to help a little." Honestly, it mostly just got me high at the time rather than help my pain...

So he wound up giving me Percocet, which has oxycodone, generic for Oxycontin. 10mg dosage, so not too high, but higher than 5mg I had before. I'm taking it now and it's helping, without getting me high, so I am happy.

Later I wound up getting that MRI, which was uncomfortable and loud. The machine making all those loud noises as I lie there on my back, the most uncomfortable position for me.

I also got blood tests done and I had an appointment with my primary care doctor to see how I am doing in general with that... My thyroid is a bit high for once, so my dosage of thyroid hormone has to be lowered. My cholesterol was high, maybe the cheeseburgers I was eating the two days before the test? but only by a bit... And my liver enzymes were high, too... all the pain killers I've been taking driving it up. Otherwise I am very healthy. Since my last post I lost 10 lbs. Probably won't lose another pound since they're lowering my thyroid dose.

Still waiting on the MRI results....

I went to see the dentist because Medi-Cal wants more x-rays before they will pay for the $200 they cover of the $2500 of work I need done in my mouth. I found out that it's infected again and got more antibiotics. So... yeah, that was fun.

Eating is super painful still, or again because of the infection. My entire jaw is aching badly, the upper and lower, for hours at a time, sometimes not even because I'm eating, just randomly. Sleep is becoming hard to come by because of the severe jaw pain. I really just... I'm so tired of it... I'm trying to eat soft foods all the time, but now and then I slip and eat something normal and cause excruciating agony for a couple days, just cause I can't keep eating mushy stuff. With Medi-Cal help and my Go Fund Me, I am not quite a fifth of the way there.... By the time I get the money the tooth will probably need to come out, lol.

While I was sitting here and writing this I had begun talking to a friend and he got drunk and began talking in Japanese and he told me something surprising... He said he loved me and then said oops. Not sure how to take that one. "I love you, oops." But, he was drunk...

Several guys have been vying for my romantic attention, but I'm not sure any of them can offer what I really want in a guy, and it makes me a bit uncomfortable, because I feel like I am doing something wrong.... Like I should at least settle on one of them. But settling wouldn't be the right thing to do. I think that's something a terrible person would do.. and... I don't think that I really am a terrible person........

Pain, pain, and more pain

So something that I was going to once post that I never got around to, but I have maybe touched upon, is that my back pain is not being treated... I am seeing a pain doctor, though. Before I went to see him I had looked online and found better reviews on Yelp and other sites... not this site...  Some reviews:

"Literally went in there for about 3 minutes, didn't really say anything to me, and charged me $276. And all he did was write me a prescription for ibuprofen.....Really!! And yes, his wife is very rude."

"I went to this office and let me tell you... his wife who is also the office manager is the most horrible person I met in a long time. She doesn't sympathize or understand a patient's perspective. All she thinks is that we're there for pills, pills, and pills. It's called pain, wench. The scheduling girls are nice but I feel bad for them working under her. And billing... let's not get started on that sad excuse. Don't go here!"

"I saw him for a total of 5 minutes and he charged $780.00. Did not give my a script or anything, just talk. When I walked into the waiting room I felt like I was in another country. Yes, his wife is very rude and the staff is uneducated and could care less."

"I had been in such horrible pain for so long, I thought that was how it was suppose to be. Then he came along and told me otherwise...yet he could never take away my pain!! But he would only give me either pain pills or nerve blocks, nothing else. If I showed up with a smile on my face, to him I must be all better, no not really just trying to fake it till I make it. They go through front office staff like crazy! You either love him or hate him.. Good luck!"

Were some of the reviews that I read.... and they sound about right. I have no idea who his wife is... I have no idea who would want to marry him to be honest, he is a very cold man who doesn't seem to care about much. I've been crying in pain and he doesn't seem to even bat an eye about it... Maybe one of the women is a trophy wife in it for the money, I couldn't imagine another reason to be honest... or some arrangement from his home country?? All of the staff that I've dealt with is usually super kind and nice and understanding, at least to me, but reading the reviews that are upset at the staff, they all mention money--none of the reviews that fail to mention staff mention the cost of their bills much- I have a feeling that it might be connected. If you get upset and bitch about your bill-that might cause someone to not be polite to you, lol.... but anyway, my dealing with the doctor hasn't been the best. So I will put my own review down here, plus a little more explanation in it:

He was willing to give me trigger point injections to treat my chronic pain (Injections right into the spinal column to help pain) -which no other doctor was... This was part of what kept me going to him for several months- but after 6 months of seeing him he has wanting to lower my pain meds- A LOT. This is understandable with the "opioid epidemic" but today (April 2nd) leaving his office I collapsed in pain, unable to walk and strangers had to help carry me to the car I was in (which was right by the drive.) [Yes, I couldn't manage to walk something like 12 feet... first people were concerned and standing around me and then they lifted and carried me to the vehicle. They even wanted first to call paramedics, but I had to convince them that I was fine, before I began to sob too much to speak. My friend had to thank them for me. He even told them that I had just seen the doctor. One of them even asked why the doctor hadn't helped me... heh]

I am constantly in pain, which is ok, the meds just lower how bad my pain is, and Dr. Kumar refuses to even talk to me about changing medications to even something perhaps non-narcotic. (I tried to bring it up again today and failed.) Today he upped one med and took me off another which will leave me doped up when I become in severe agony, and I'm not sure I want to treat my pain because of this. (He literally told me to simply take 2 Norco when I'm in pain... take more Norcos... sometimes I am taking 4 a day, it is ridiculous.) Not taking the meds will cause high blood pressure and organ damage if I don't treat my pain.

*update* 2 mo later- I guess someone reported a complaint I made to her to the doctor- now he gave me a new non-narc and is KINDA listening to me in visits. It took 6 months of me SUFFERING and him hearing about me finally getting a recommendation for a new doctor to actually offer me treatment. He's going to try a new procedure, too... it shouldn't take 6 months of ignoring me and what happened 2 months ago to get help. I'm feeling much better than 2 months ago- I haven't collapsed again--but I am taking a ridiculous amount of Norco that I'm sleeping all the time...

end review

I hope that the higher Lyrica dosage helps my pain. It is sad that it took the fear of losing my money for him to a little more than half ass give me proper treatment in office. The procedure that is upcoming in two weeks is a spinal nerve cauterization Google says 30-50% have some success.... and this success often it has to be redone in 2 years. There can be side-effects, but it often is minimal. I am a bit nervous- mostly that it won't work, though.



"I said at the time I would never have it done again because the pain afterwards was so intense and I'm not sure it helped at all. Well, given that I want to avoid more surgery at all cost, it looks like I'm going to have to do this again. I'm scared.""

"For 5 days afterwards ( except the first day and a half with the numbing agent) the pain was so bad I could not sleep, eat or keep down liquids as I was in so much excruciating pain and was put on even more meds to help control the dry heave vomiting."

" this procedure CAN make your pain level much worse (if done incorrectly and the targeted nerve is damaged) and it 100% WILL make your level of pain worse before making it any better (1-2 months before experiencing any relief)."

That makes me a bit nervous though... cause apparently it can be super painful...... And for a lot of people it apparently doesn't help either, so it might just make my pain worse-for nothing. Some, though, have had help from the procedure, so I am willing to try it at least once. I am looking forward to the procedure and hoping for relief.

What really doesn't help matters is that I broke a filling somehow and a dentist is claiming that I now need a root canal because of it... I really don't know how this figures except perhaps that they want money. I suppose I should seek a second opinion, but because it did manage to get infected it might actually be too late.

I didn't notice that the filling was broken immediately-so the tooth got into a bad shape and became inflame and infected. They did an X-ray and the first dentist at the clinic I saw said that I might actually only need a filling, but it might be a root canal... but when I saw the dentist who took Medicaid the next day he immediately said that I would need a root canal and didn't seem interested in listening to me... like the fact that I told him that I was on Norco and he said that he'd give me more narcotics after surgery-WOAH! And he was telling me to take Motrin, and I tried to explain to him how I couldn't take it, I am already on an NSAID that is prescribed, and he refused to listen and told me to take Motrin anyway, 6 times a day, 2 of them... which would destroy my liver... oh and 500mg of Tylenol, too, 6 times a day-when I am also on Norco which has it in it--I mean, I already have liver issues-this guy just wants me to end up in the hospital with it failing it seems. Anyway I finally just said I would take the two meds, knowing that I wouldn't... And when they told me that Medi-cal would pay for a root-canal, it turns out that wasn't quite true.

So I called a second dental clinic and they told me something interesting. Medi-cal only pays $200 of the $1500 a root canal costs... That's not quite paying for it. And it also turns out that there was an even bigger thing that the doctors didn't tell me at the first clinic-- you need a post and crown when you get a root canal, and that's not included in that $1500. Apparently that costs at least an additional $1100 at the second clinic that I called and Medi-cal will not pay a dime for some reason--despite that this is something you need with a root canal.... why pay for any of it at all?? So I need $2400.

My jaw is so bad that I am having problems eating solid foods. If anything lands back there I have insane pain that lingers for at least an hour. When I lay my head down, it hurts... which makes sleep even more difficult than it already has been. I already have insomnia, now it's even worse. I can't even lie down without my jaw killing me. I can't sit upright without my back killing me. (Standing is worse.) I am exhausted and desperate. I have no money. I don't have much of a support system.

My friends keep citing that at least I have them...as they walk out the door I cannot help but feel alone. They aren't really close friends. I don't have many people who would come over and spend time with me. Suicide is looking like a dear friend as the pain becomes more and more intense as the days drag on longer. When I manage to fall asleep I stay asleep as I'm afraid I will harm myself more than I have. I beat my leg senseless in desperation the other day in the dentist's office because I didn't have a weapon other than my cane. The deep purple bruises mar my pale skin and I can't help but think I wish I'd done more harm. It's a good thing that I live on the first floor of my building.

I really just want the pain to stop. A friend, who is more acquaintance, suggested thinking of things that make you happy when the pain gets to you, but when I try to think of things that make me happy, things that I want to live for, I can't. Those things that USED to make me happy, that I USED to want to live for, they aren't there anymore. Those people don't seem to care anymore. I can no longer manage to read books. I can no longer manage to play video games. I can no longer manage to write.... I can no longer manage to do ANYTHING without such severe agony in my jaw and back.... the back pain has only gotten better because I down so many Norcos, leaving me in a haze, when I do... it's not a fun thing. I just don't want to be alone anymore. Maybe if I weren't alone I could manage this a couple more weeks to the procedure, but I'm struggling.... I just have to make it till then.....

Maladaptive Daydreams and Drugs

So it's been a while since I posted, and not much has changed...

As I write this I am again surrounded by people and I feel isolated.

I discovered something called Maladaptive Daydreaming and I fit many of the symptoms. I often want to slip into a daydream than to sit in my reality, but I'm not sure if it's because of suffer from such a condition like this or that I am just so out of place in my life that I cope as such...  Some of the descriptions I don't fit, but some of them fit like a glove and would describe why my life seems to literally be drifting away.

I can spend hours daydreaming up things, ideas, stories, just lying and imagining away. To be honest I often rather be doing this than dealing with people because I just feel that I cannot fit in with the people around me, especially as I am sitting here... The guys around me are talking about flipping through porn channels... I mean... I literally cannot contribute to this conversation as I have never looked at porn channels. It is making me uncomfortable and slightly disgusted. Then they switch to talking about soccer... I mean it makes little sense to me. Porn to soccer... I'd rather daydream, it's much happier.

But the correlation to Maladaptive Daydreams and like sounds or images, I don't really get. Topics of conversation maybe push me into it, sure, but sounds, images, or smells, just seems bizarre to me.

I do have trouble doing things during the day though. Often I would rather just sit or lie down and daydream than cook a meal. I rather imagine things than try to get up and exercise, risking extreme pain due to my severe injury/disability. I mean cooking, cleaning, trying to exercise or walk a littler, these things are often very painful, I much rather just rest and daydream than risk such pain... Ugh...

I do suffer from insomnia, ADHD, and depression. But I don't really know what came first, daydreams or these things. I'd say first came the insomnia when I was 5. When I have insomnia often I will sit empty-minded, trying to sleep... for hours often, so I don't always have daydreams interfering with sleep... Though sometimes they do.

As a writer the daydreams often involve those ideas that I am wishing to put into words. Most every word that I have written has first been plotted out in my head as a daydream, and several different ideas and plot lines have been explored... Divergent plot lines thought out before I settle upon what I like or what works best, but all worked out in a daydream, in an environment with details almost life-like... It does become addictive at times, though.

Daydreaming is an escape from the depression and loneliness I feel as I sit here alone, surrounded by people. 

Even as I try to get into dating again, I feel like it is a joke, a pathetic parody.

A wonderful, kind, sweet guy that agreed that he wanted to "date" me, rarely gets back to me... It is obvious that his interest is little, despite his claims to otherwise. He says he wants to get together and see me, but any date set up, it falls apart.

So I finally set up a date with a girl that I've flirted with the idea of going out with her before... We are very different, but I really, really, like who she is. I LIKE her. I only fear that our wide differences will drive us apart, but we get along very well... I tried to go on a date with her before, but I admit that I chickened out... So now I will try again. She is so far left that she wishes to stifle free speech, which I am against. She is supporting of communist ideas, which I am against... So only need to keep politics away, despite that I am very political, hehehe.

Speaking of politics, one thing that has been bugging me, and perhaps pushing me to the edge, my pain... I suffer from extreme pain, all the time. My spinal injury causes me pain and my back doctor decided to remove me from Dilaudid and doubled the amount of Norco that he was giving me, despite that I usually take Dilaudid for severe pain and Norco for moderate to severe pain.

Without Dilaudid the doctor told me to just take more Norco...which hasn't been helping, much to my suffering and to no surprise on my part. I told him that I didn't think that it was a good idea. He eventually put me on Lyrica, which I have been on for 9 days... Which I might have some lessened pain, but during this time I also went off Nuerontin for a bit, which made my pain flare up... It can take 2-4 weeks to kick in fully--so I am waiting to see how I am after being on it and Nuerontin for at least 2-3 week mark. So far I am feeling less pain, but I am constantly sleeping and unable to get up because if I do I am in agony because I don't have Dilaudid for my severe pain and I am taking 4-5 Norco when I actually go and do things like shopping for groceries... It has become ridiculous.

Meanwhile everyone is crying wolf and claiming that we have an epidemic that is entirely the fault of drug companies... As if doctors never prescribe too much meds to a patient and patients never knowingly take too much. The really horrible thing is that if you read articles you can see things like people admitting casually like "Yeah so I know I was supposed to take Norco 3 times a day, but I decided to take it 8 times a day"....and people wonder how that person began to abuse other drugs like heroin????? The person says it wasn't for pain either, it was just because it "felt good"... And it's in article after article that I read people admitting to taking more than they need. I will make a separate blog later linking them, cause it's sickening. It's PEOPLE, not drug companies. If people are CHOOSING to get high, there isn't much we can do to stop them. They'd go on the street and pick up cocaine or heroin if they really wanted it... opioid pills already in their possession are just easier unfortunately. Some people are actual victims, but the majority are not.. they are just junkies who have chosen to become addicts. When I have gone to Narcotics Anonymous, most of them will admit that they actually are not powerless victims, that they made choices and continually make the choice not to use again, sounds pretty much like they're in control of their actions to me.

Also a lot has to do with a mix of illegal drugs and RX. So a lot of the people who are sick and dying aren't even suffering from RX meds, they are using street drugs. Also fentanyl, which is a hugely popular drug, a lot of it that's being abused is coming from the street, from China and Mexico. So yes, totally the drug companies despite that it's the street and human being's individual choices doing this. Suing companies will stop people from going to drug dealers.

Wanting to make opioid pain killers cost more, limiting the amount that will be released each year and other ridiculous measure are just making me so sick... Because it will harm the real people who need them... People with chronic pain and people with acute pain from surgery or maybe those dying... What are we going to do?? I mean, my blood pressure soars when I am in pain, my pulse races, and I sob and cry. I cannot function. I collapse to the floor and I can't move. I literally need pain medication and people want to get these things off the market because people are CHOOSING to abuse these things. 

The final straw came for me when I saw this article about Nuerontin. They are now claiming that gabapentin (generic name) is a "cheap" opioid alternative for abuse to get high. First even at super high doses I have never gotten a high on this. At high doses this med has only inhibited my motor functions, made me dizzy, made it hard to move my legs at times, and made my thinking difficult. Also it is super expensive compared to opioids. Opioid generics are cents per pill compared to gabapentin which is over $1 per pill generic... When I had to buy it without insurance I cried that I could only afford a fraction of what I needed at the time... It seems like people are trying to get rid of anything that gets rid of pain... I mean glue, sharpies, dry erase markers, white out, gasoline, paint thinner, and a slew of other things get you high, too---Why are people not so up in arms about these things?!!!

A Hollow Realization

It's after physical therapy and shopping for groceries. I am exhausted and tired. Sore and in pain... But I realize that I feel like I am on auto-pilot. It's like I am empty of emotions. I don't know if it is that I've been trying too hard to feel things, or if that the feelings that I lately would have felt would have been bad that I shut them off... The troubling thing is that I've been on this empty shell program mode for a while- and I didn't even notice it.

I shut out my emotions a lot. PTSD does that to people who have been grievously harmed in the past. Sometimes it is just easier to not feel anything than to risk a glimmer of a good emotion mixed with things that might be a chance. I am sitting here and writing this and I only just realize that I've been automatically been shutting myself off whenever I might have been close to someone... No wonder I've been single for years. (Not necessarily complaining though.)

Recently, as I mentioned before, my ex showed up in my life and I realized that I really missed that close connection that I had with another person. I missed that sweet, kind, relationship. Because I was wounded so deeply when he left me, I've shut myself off when I might get close to others... There is a point that I can be open and enjoy myself and them. I will feel close and happy. I can keep myself unsheltered to an extent, but as soon as I see something that scares me I immediately turn myself off. I just never really realized it until right this moment.

I seem to wander about like an empty wreck of a person, just floating around, lost. I suppose that I could be okay with life like this, because it saves me the pain of rejection. Myself, I can't even tell if there's anything left inside myself anymore. Is there anything in there? Is it only just the pain and the injuries and wounds?

--One note, the doctor did adjust my psych meds... Maybe I'll change my mind later.

Resolution and Nostalgia

I've only had three boyfriends. As I dated, they improved. The first one was very violent physically and sexually. He was controlling, and to this day I am concerned to let my actual identity and location be known due to safety concerns. The second guy I dated was controlling and threatened acts of violence indirectly by harming objects and even our dog and then blaming me. He was also sexually violent to me...

But then, my third boyfriend, he was nice to me. He was kind and sweet, and even bought me things. Usually I had to be the one buying shit for guys I dated. 

I guess because he was so nice, that third really stuck in my heart easily and for so long. Last night though, I got confirmation that a friend was wrong. A friend said that he'd probably been avoiding me because he wasn't over me. He is though, and I thought that any feelings I had for him were long gone away... Yet, seeing him and hearing his voice, it dredges up memories that make my heart want to break.

Because of all of this I do have to question, is it him, or is it the nostalgia of the feelings? I mean, it's been years that I've been single, and he's not crossed my thoughts even as frequently as a weekly or even monthly basis, I don't think. Unless something happened to remind me of him, I really didn't think about him. I suppose I really am missing what it was that I had with him...

For years I had always questioned why friends, and even family, would return to unhealthy and terrible relationships, and suddenly I think I understand why. Maybe they long for the person so hard because they are chasing after those strong feelings... They cannot separate the feelings of love and contentment that happen, mixed with pain and suffering, away from the person. So many people don't realize that it isn't the person, it's the feelings that you are chasing.

To be completely honest, I question if I can have such strong feelings with someone else, but I am quite a pessimist. I'm looking at things from a logical and cold point of view. There is nothing to go back to, there for what I really miss was what was there, and that was the feelings and happiness. If there is anything in this world I've always wanted, it was happiness. Forever, whenever anyone asked me what I would want if I could have anything, I've always answered happiness, because it's been such a fleeting thing in my life.

Because of my past, I also wonder if I can even find someone that I would be content with, too. I have strong points of view and values that I would want someone I care about to share to some extent. I'd need someone who is not jealous and is alright with me gaming... and I'd need someone who is okay that I'm disabled and everything that comes with it... it's lost me two boyfriends now, even if one was terrible.

My life was probably meant to take so many other turns and I just wish I knew why it took the turns that it did. My father seemed to spoil my chance to be an adult, right off the bat... mostly by ruining my junior and senior year. I've faced starving, homelessness (a few times), disability, being unable to walk, suicide attempts and survivals, and so much more... It's all made me stronger, but I wish I could maybe not be alone for a while.. yet at the same time I wonder if I'm ready. It's stupid really. I'm so lonely, but I'm surrounded by people. It's always seemed to be this way for most of my life. I'm screaming loudly, but no body notices.