Maladaptive Daydreams and Drugs

So it's been a while since I posted, and not much has changed...

As I write this I am again surrounded by people and I feel isolated.

I discovered something called Maladaptive Daydreaming and I fit many of the symptoms. I often want to slip into a daydream than to sit in my reality, but I'm not sure if it's because of suffer from such a condition like this or that I am just so out of place in my life that I cope as such...  Some of the descriptions I don't fit, but some of them fit like a glove and would describe why my life seems to literally be drifting away.

I can spend hours daydreaming up things, ideas, stories, just lying and imagining away. To be honest I often rather be doing this than dealing with people because I just feel that I cannot fit in with the people around me, especially as I am sitting here... The guys around me are talking about flipping through porn channels... I mean... I literally cannot contribute to this conversation as I have never looked at porn channels. It is making me uncomfortable and slightly disgusted. Then they switch to talking about soccer... I mean it makes little sense to me. Porn to soccer... I'd rather daydream, it's much happier.

But the correlation to Maladaptive Daydreams and like sounds or images, I don't really get. Topics of conversation maybe push me into it, sure, but sounds, images, or smells, just seems bizarre to me.

I do have trouble doing things during the day though. Often I would rather just sit or lie down and daydream than cook a meal. I rather imagine things than try to get up and exercise, risking extreme pain due to my severe injury/disability. I mean cooking, cleaning, trying to exercise or walk a littler, these things are often very painful, I much rather just rest and daydream than risk such pain... Ugh...

I do suffer from insomnia, ADHD, and depression. But I don't really know what came first, daydreams or these things. I'd say first came the insomnia when I was 5. When I have insomnia often I will sit empty-minded, trying to sleep... for hours often, so I don't always have daydreams interfering with sleep... Though sometimes they do.

As a writer the daydreams often involve those ideas that I am wishing to put into words. Most every word that I have written has first been plotted out in my head as a daydream, and several different ideas and plot lines have been explored... Divergent plot lines thought out before I settle upon what I like or what works best, but all worked out in a daydream, in an environment with details almost life-like... It does become addictive at times, though.

Daydreaming is an escape from the depression and loneliness I feel as I sit here alone, surrounded by people. 

Even as I try to get into dating again, I feel like it is a joke, a pathetic parody.

A wonderful, kind, sweet guy that agreed that he wanted to "date" me, rarely gets back to me... It is obvious that his interest is little, despite his claims to otherwise. He says he wants to get together and see me, but any date set up, it falls apart.

So I finally set up a date with a girl that I've flirted with the idea of going out with her before... We are very different, but I really, really, like who she is. I LIKE her. I only fear that our wide differences will drive us apart, but we get along very well... I tried to go on a date with her before, but I admit that I chickened out... So now I will try again. She is so far left that she wishes to stifle free speech, which I am against. She is supporting of communist ideas, which I am against... So only need to keep politics away, despite that I am very political, hehehe.

Speaking of politics, one thing that has been bugging me, and perhaps pushing me to the edge, my pain... I suffer from extreme pain, all the time. My spinal injury causes me pain and my back doctor decided to remove me from Dilaudid and doubled the amount of Norco that he was giving me, despite that I usually take Dilaudid for severe pain and Norco for moderate to severe pain.

Without Dilaudid the doctor told me to just take more Norco...which hasn't been helping, much to my suffering and to no surprise on my part. I told him that I didn't think that it was a good idea. He eventually put me on Lyrica, which I have been on for 9 days... Which I might have some lessened pain, but during this time I also went off Nuerontin for a bit, which made my pain flare up... It can take 2-4 weeks to kick in fully--so I am waiting to see how I am after being on it and Nuerontin for at least 2-3 week mark. So far I am feeling less pain, but I am constantly sleeping and unable to get up because if I do I am in agony because I don't have Dilaudid for my severe pain and I am taking 4-5 Norco when I actually go and do things like shopping for groceries... It has become ridiculous.

Meanwhile everyone is crying wolf and claiming that we have an epidemic that is entirely the fault of drug companies... As if doctors never prescribe too much meds to a patient and patients never knowingly take too much. The really horrible thing is that if you read articles you can see things like people admitting casually like "Yeah so I know I was supposed to take Norco 3 times a day, but I decided to take it 8 times a day"....and people wonder how that person began to abuse other drugs like heroin????? The person says it wasn't for pain either, it was just because it "felt good"... And it's in article after article that I read people admitting to taking more than they need. I will make a separate blog later linking them, cause it's sickening. It's PEOPLE, not drug companies. If people are CHOOSING to get high, there isn't much we can do to stop them. They'd go on the street and pick up cocaine or heroin if they really wanted it... opioid pills already in their possession are just easier unfortunately. Some people are actual victims, but the majority are not.. they are just junkies who have chosen to become addicts. When I have gone to Narcotics Anonymous, most of them will admit that they actually are not powerless victims, that they made choices and continually make the choice not to use again, sounds pretty much like they're in control of their actions to me.

Also a lot has to do with a mix of illegal drugs and RX. So a lot of the people who are sick and dying aren't even suffering from RX meds, they are using street drugs. Also fentanyl, which is a hugely popular drug, a lot of it that's being abused is coming from the street, from China and Mexico. So yes, totally the drug companies despite that it's the street and human being's individual choices doing this. Suing companies will stop people from going to drug dealers.

Wanting to make opioid pain killers cost more, limiting the amount that will be released each year and other ridiculous measure are just making me so sick... Because it will harm the real people who need them... People with chronic pain and people with acute pain from surgery or maybe those dying... What are we going to do?? I mean, my blood pressure soars when I am in pain, my pulse races, and I sob and cry. I cannot function. I collapse to the floor and I can't move. I literally need pain medication and people want to get these things off the market because people are CHOOSING to abuse these things. 

The final straw came for me when I saw this article about Nuerontin. They are now claiming that gabapentin (generic name) is a "cheap" opioid alternative for abuse to get high. First even at super high doses I have never gotten a high on this. At high doses this med has only inhibited my motor functions, made me dizzy, made it hard to move my legs at times, and made my thinking difficult. Also it is super expensive compared to opioids. Opioid generics are cents per pill compared to gabapentin which is over $1 per pill generic... When I had to buy it without insurance I cried that I could only afford a fraction of what I needed at the time... It seems like people are trying to get rid of anything that gets rid of pain... I mean glue, sharpies, dry erase markers, white out, gasoline, paint thinner, and a slew of other things get you high, too---Why are people not so up in arms about these things?!!!