It's after physical therapy and shopping for groceries. I am exhausted and tired. Sore and in pain... But I realize that I feel like I am on auto-pilot. It's like I am empty of emotions. I don't know if it is that I've been trying too hard to feel things, or if that the feelings that I lately would have felt would have been bad that I shut them off... The troubling thing is that I've been on this empty shell program mode for a while- and I didn't even notice it.
I shut out my emotions a lot. PTSD does that to people who have been grievously harmed in the past. Sometimes it is just easier to not feel anything than to risk a glimmer of a good emotion mixed with things that might be a chance. I am sitting here and writing this and I only just realize that I've been automatically been shutting myself off whenever I might have been close to someone... No wonder I've been single for years. (Not necessarily complaining though.)
Recently, as I mentioned before, my ex showed up in my life and I realized that I really missed that close connection that I had with another person. I missed that sweet, kind, relationship. Because I was wounded so deeply when he left me, I've shut myself off when I might get close to others... There is a point that I can be open and enjoy myself and them. I will feel close and happy. I can keep myself unsheltered to an extent, but as soon as I see something that scares me I immediately turn myself off. I just never really realized it until right this moment.
I seem to wander about like an empty wreck of a person, just floating around, lost. I suppose that I could be okay with life like this, because it saves me the pain of rejection. Myself, I can't even tell if there's anything left inside myself anymore. Is there anything in there? Is it only just the pain and the injuries and wounds?
--One note, the doctor did adjust my psych meds... Maybe I'll change my mind later.
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