Resolution and Nostalgia

I've only had three boyfriends. As I dated, they improved. The first one was very violent physically and sexually. He was controlling, and to this day I am concerned to let my actual identity and location be known due to safety concerns. The second guy I dated was controlling and threatened acts of violence indirectly by harming objects and even our dog and then blaming me. He was also sexually violent to me...

But then, my third boyfriend, he was nice to me. He was kind and sweet, and even bought me things. Usually I had to be the one buying shit for guys I dated. 

I guess because he was so nice, that third really stuck in my heart easily and for so long. Last night though, I got confirmation that a friend was wrong. A friend said that he'd probably been avoiding me because he wasn't over me. He is though, and I thought that any feelings I had for him were long gone away... Yet, seeing him and hearing his voice, it dredges up memories that make my heart want to break.

Because of all of this I do have to question, is it him, or is it the nostalgia of the feelings? I mean, it's been years that I've been single, and he's not crossed my thoughts even as frequently as a weekly or even monthly basis, I don't think. Unless something happened to remind me of him, I really didn't think about him. I suppose I really am missing what it was that I had with him...

For years I had always questioned why friends, and even family, would return to unhealthy and terrible relationships, and suddenly I think I understand why. Maybe they long for the person so hard because they are chasing after those strong feelings... They cannot separate the feelings of love and contentment that happen, mixed with pain and suffering, away from the person. So many people don't realize that it isn't the person, it's the feelings that you are chasing.

To be completely honest, I question if I can have such strong feelings with someone else, but I am quite a pessimist. I'm looking at things from a logical and cold point of view. There is nothing to go back to, there for what I really miss was what was there, and that was the feelings and happiness. If there is anything in this world I've always wanted, it was happiness. Forever, whenever anyone asked me what I would want if I could have anything, I've always answered happiness, because it's been such a fleeting thing in my life.

Because of my past, I also wonder if I can even find someone that I would be content with, too. I have strong points of view and values that I would want someone I care about to share to some extent. I'd need someone who is not jealous and is alright with me gaming... and I'd need someone who is okay that I'm disabled and everything that comes with it... it's lost me two boyfriends now, even if one was terrible.

My life was probably meant to take so many other turns and I just wish I knew why it took the turns that it did. My father seemed to spoil my chance to be an adult, right off the bat... mostly by ruining my junior and senior year. I've faced starving, homelessness (a few times), disability, being unable to walk, suicide attempts and survivals, and so much more... It's all made me stronger, but I wish I could maybe not be alone for a while.. yet at the same time I wonder if I'm ready. It's stupid really. I'm so lonely, but I'm surrounded by people. It's always seemed to be this way for most of my life. I'm screaming loudly, but no body notices.