So... boy, was this a car wreck of a mess. The subject of my last post.. He said that it wouldn't work... Which is what I had previously thought before, but I wished to try to rethink things.. Give things a new perspective, for just that reason. But, there was no new perspective even available to him; there was a girl he had fell for. This was very sudden. I was also sort of put in a corner like, I could possibly be a maybe, but the maybe was very slight maybe.
This news should just have gazed my flesh, but it cut a bit deeper... What did I do? Well, when he described the events leading up to his infatuation, well, they were something that I could never do... Never in a chair. I'm chained. Chained to my wheel chair.
I try to be practical, I try to act okay. I try to pretend I am well off, I try to pretend that everything is normal day to day. Every day it grows and infects me deeper, the desire to escape, I want to run, I want to walk, I want to get away... But I collapse outside my roommate's door with a scream. He opens it slightly and I tell him in a breath that my friend needs to be let in, and he doesn't hear. I scream again as he opens the door further, letting my body slide further to the floor. I repeat what I said about my friend being at the gate, He opens his door all the way and I scream loudly as I fall all the way to the floor and my roommate asks if I need help or he should help my friend. I ask him to go let my friend inside, my voice weak from pain. He asks me one more time, which I am very annoyed at this point, but it didn't add to my agony this time, so I told him, yes, go help my friend in.
It's not like I view myself above everyone else. I am some titan who only physically gets hurt and then I move on in my life just slightly scuffed. I write this emotionally exhausted as right now I carry too much weight. Against what I argued against, but my friends that I should do, they told me that I had to do, I blocked and removed a friend I had made that I had affectionately begun referring to as "the knight". After some of the terrible things that he had said about to me, calling me a person who obviously had no emotions and obviously wanted him to kill himself after all, I didn't care... I guess I can see how removing the risk of having a person I become any amount of close with again, it is a wise thing to err on caution.
One that is more complicated is also one of the strangest. It shows my propensity for me to care, and it shows the side of me that just can be purely in a state in terror.
I paused writing this and picked it up again.
More fumbles, many as if we were blind.
M- it speaks to me, that song from so long ago, it sings into my soul and makes me maybe not lose all hope, but I feel so stupid. I blush and pretend maybe that it could be so. Ayumi Hamasaki really made love sound wonderful but sad, too... But I always only seem to think of the song when the beginning part occurs, when I don't have someone to love. Maybe "M"? Or was "M" supposed to be for "Maria"?
I was told essentially that I would be welcome as a tool to offer affection and physicality but not really a girlfriend... And the loss of no love is just something I don't think that I could handle.
It is just frustrating that I cannot seem to find everything that I would like in a single guy... who'd want me. I guess I am being too picky.
For me a guy should be:
Trustworthy, respectful, caring, honest, have a willingness to communicate, intelligence, responsible, and non-violent...
I actually just checked some of Google's top results and they are so shallow. Making money, being fit, be funny... it just panders on. Is my list really so bad? I really don't care about anything external at all.
Life seems as if it is laughing at me. I am in constant pain all the time, but lately it's been worse... Someone else that I've been trying to aid with girl problems got dealt a nasty hand by a real crazy bitch, or so it sounds. I feel bad that two of my friends are going through issues with girls. Another is going through family problems. And there are further friends with more ordeals.
y'know, since he'll never read it. The guy who is dealing with the crazy girl.
Since I met him, I've had a crush on him, but I was scared of death to ever tell anyone, or even acknowledge it, because 1. I had a bf for a long time and 2. he had a gf and then wife.
I don't think I could ever look him in the face if I told him. I would feel like a completely horrible immoralistic person, even though I didn't choose to feel that way. It might have been because he was one of the first people nice to me while I was in a heavily abusive relationship...
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