Honey Bunny Bumble Fumble

So... boy, was this a car wreck of a mess. The subject of my last post.. He said that it wouldn't work... Which is what I had previously thought before, but I wished to try to rethink things.. Give things a new perspective, for just that reason. But, there was no new perspective even available to him; there was a girl he had fell for. This was very sudden. I was also sort of put in a corner like, I could possibly be a maybe, but the maybe was very slight maybe.

This news should just have gazed my flesh, but it cut a bit deeper... What did I do? Well, when he described the events leading up to his infatuation, well, they were something that I could never do... Never in a chair. I'm chained. Chained to my wheel chair.

I try to be practical, I try to act okay. I try to pretend I am well off, I try to pretend that everything is normal day to day. Every day it grows and infects me deeper, the desire to escape, I want to run, I want to walk, I want to get away... But I collapse outside my roommate's door with a scream. He opens it slightly and I tell him in a breath that my friend needs to be let in, and he doesn't hear. I scream again as he opens the door further, letting my body slide further to the floor. I repeat what I said about my friend being at the gate, He opens his door all the way and I scream loudly as I fall all the way to the floor and my roommate asks if I need help or he should help my friend. I ask him to go let my friend inside, my voice weak from pain. He asks me one more time, which I am very annoyed at this point, but it didn't add to my agony this time, so I told him, yes, go help my friend in.

It's not like I view myself above everyone else. I am some titan who only physically gets hurt and then I move on in my life just slightly scuffed. I write this emotionally exhausted as right now I carry too much weight. Against what I argued against, but my friends that I should do, they told me that I had to do, I blocked and removed a friend I had made that I had affectionately begun referring to as "the knight". After some of the terrible things that he had said about to me, calling me a person who obviously had no emotions and obviously wanted him to kill himself after all, I didn't care... I guess I can see how removing the risk of having a person I become any amount of close with again, it is a wise thing to err on caution.

One that is more complicated is also one of the strangest. It shows my propensity for me to care, and it shows the side of me that just can be purely in a state in terror.

I paused writing this and picked it up again.

More fumbles, many as if we were blind.

M- it speaks to me, that song from so long ago, it sings into my soul and makes me maybe not lose all hope, but I feel so stupid. I blush and pretend maybe that it could be so. Ayumi Hamasaki really made love sound wonderful but sad, too... But I always only seem to think of the song when the beginning part occurs, when I don't have someone to love. Maybe "M"? Or was "M" supposed to be for "Maria"?

I was told essentially that I would be welcome as a tool to offer affection and physicality but not really a girlfriend... And the loss of no love is just something I don't think that I could handle.

It is just frustrating that I cannot seem to find everything that I would like in a single guy... who'd want me. I guess I am being too picky.

For me a guy should be:
Trustworthy, respectful, caring, honest, have a willingness to communicate, intelligence, responsible, and non-violent... 

I actually just checked some of Google's top results and they are so shallow. Making money, being fit, be funny... it just panders on. Is my list really so bad? I really don't care about anything external at all.

Life seems as if it is laughing at me. I am in constant pain all the time, but lately it's been worse...  Someone else that I've been trying to aid with girl problems got dealt a nasty hand by a real crazy bitch, or so it sounds. I feel bad that two of my friends are going through issues with girls. Another is going through family problems. And there are further friends with more ordeals.


y'know, since he'll never read it. The guy who is dealing with the crazy girl.

Since I met him, I've had a crush on him, but I was scared of death to ever tell anyone, or even acknowledge it, because 1. I had a bf for a long time and 2. he had a gf and then wife. 
I don't think I could ever look him in the face if I told him. I would feel like a completely horrible immoralistic person, even though I didn't choose to feel that way. It might have been because he was one of the first people nice to me while I was in a heavily abusive relationship...

Honey Bunny Bumble

There is never anything quite like being on a dating site and seeing someone that you know. What is more awkward is when it is someone that you know of the gender that you are attracted to, and you have decidedly kind of... meh, I don't think I like them, or for sure don't like them. If it's been put as a match or suggestion it is almost embarrassing... isn't it?

When I was 18 I tried out Yahoo Dating, for all of a week. The end of the week I saw Mr. David Binder, a substitute teacher that I had had and someone I casually, kind of, knew through other people. He had already asked me out before, unsuccessfully.

As much as I am groaning and moaning about it now, I feel like I would like to jump into the dating pool, but I am pretty much stuck inside.... unable to go out much... unless I got an electronic wheel chair. Or got a very small wheelchair and a motorcycle. That could work, if I got the money. So a friend suggested Bumble. The first user I met was nice, not interested unless we could be friends with benefits, but nice. He warned me that there might be men with disability fetishes... Which would not be completely surprising.... I mean I have had a few guys wanna sit in the chair with me lol.

So literally just now, as I write this, I stumbled across a friend's super adorable photo and swiped to like. (Hope he sees that lol.) It got me to wondering... Maybe there is something to this... He had been in a friendzone for such a long time... maybe we should just go out on an actual date. See just how weird that feels, or maybe how nice it could feel. I'd feel very stupid if things worked out, because he's been in front of me for so many years.

One thing that I see as a giant obstacle, and was one back when I was in Chicago, was the single girl complex among nerd men. They all feel entitled to me. I am saying this with no humor, no amusement, and disgust. One friend insists he is just being nice for nice's sake, and he's a good friend, he would be okay if a got a boyfriend, OH BUT I haven't gotten one yet right?! Another guy was stalking me for a long time, and to make him leave me alone... yeah leave me alone! I acknowledged him and he defended behavior like trying to look at me changing, groping me, and him being selfish and blamed it on his Asperger's. No, those are things sexual predators do. He is now angry at me that I am being selfish and not being willing to see him. He says that he is "different now", and I explain that he reminds me of "childhood molestation". It doesn't matter how he's changed, the damage was done. Another male today... I don't know how I even made the mistake of speaking with him again... maybe Facebook... but he'd probably rejoice if I would see him again, and maybe try to attack if I dated a man not him.

So much drama, and I'm really not a catch. I just attract scum.

Thanks for Trying!

While I am taking weeks to crunch very very depressing data about terrorism truths, I have experienced some depressing data about my own life.

One guy who has flirted with me for years!! I mean, he has loved my body and said silly things and always kinda hinted about stuff, so on a limb I timidly hinted maybe we could catch a bite to eat... oh, but it could even be as friends, nothing major... Well, it was major. He said later that I was such a wonderful girl and that I deserved someone wonderful, but also that he just had no idea on where he could touch me and not hurt me... I think that having my severe back injury and radiating leg pain has lead him to really be cautious around me physically, to the point of turning down my dinner date offer.

Him, of all people. I'd actually been afraid that maybe I helped wedge his wife away from him, but I wish she coulda seen this one. I really felt like a got one of those "thanks for playing" trophies that they give out to little kids now when they graduate or participate at the end of a sport's season... which ironically is a greater irony cause I'm in a wheelchair most of the time lol.

On a completely different subject, I've been having HUGE issues with my teeth. They's been so painful I cannot eat except maybe white rice... warm white rice and chicken. It isn't a temperature thing, it isn't a sweet or salty thing, but those do aggravate it. So I made this lovely chicken with a wine sauce, and it was sooo delicious! Being disabled has really let me dabble into food. It costs less to buy in bulk chicken breasts and cook them with herbs than nuggets. Though I do like nuggets, too. I got the $4 Wendy's meal and I was eating it, but I was eating in it in great pain. That was when I came to the conclusion that I needed to see either a dentist, or a doctor. I'd already seen a doctor once, so lemme go see a dentist. They said that they could fit me in at noon.

The girl I was speaking to was kinda annoyed that I had no transportation, but once I was off the phone I realized that I should have explained that I'm in a wheelchair, so I can't walk to a bus stop. I'm fucked if there is a fire even. Haha. I'm so used to it, it is just kind of... bleh... slips my mind all the time. I wound up finding the dental office, and their hotline of emergencies (which not eating is one) because I was researching groups. Ever since Dr. Ashokan and his horrors that crippled me, I look up doctors before I let them touch me.