Shitty Day

Every day is stretching so long, and yet time is flying by as the end of the month is looming. My comfortable life of sleeping on a bed that hurts my back, but at least I have the privacy of a room, and the safety of staying indoors will so soon be gone.

And now something that I thought I no longer had to deal with has returned... bowel incontinence. Something I am fiercely embarrassed of, but it is a medical condition, and one that having out on the streets, could be very messy. Inside I can easily be clean and cleansed in minutes... but if this continues... cleaning wipes and pads are only a temp measure.

I actually have had a huge problem since my accident of a form of bladder control. Not the problem that people typically have of that it leaks out, but that I for the life of me cannot urinate sometimes, even when I really, really, really have to go. I once had a distended bladder so bad (meaning it has dropped in your body) it was really hurting, and I had to go to the hospital so they could put a catheter into me to get the urine out. It was just under 2 liters... Most people go pee with less than 1 liter! There are documented isolated cases of this happening, but it is very rare. 

But the bowel problems didn't happen until Dr. Ashokan (link goes to his sanctions) shot me with whatever the hell he felt like shooting me up with. When I was at the VCMC, Ventura County Medical Center, ER I heard homeless people apparently like to shit themselves for some reason so they can go to the ER and torment the nurses, and when I lost control of my bowel after asking repeatedly for a diaper the nurse was so angry at me. She was a huge bitch and treated me very poorly so I spoke to a superior and complained. She is still there though. I don't want to seem like that if the unlikely chance...or all too likely chance occurs.

People will probably ask me why I am not going to sell certain items like my laptop and such, but if you regard it realistically the amount of money I would get for an electronic mere years old is so devalued, I could earn better money keeping it and using it to look up images to draw for commissions like I wound up doing on Free Comic Book Day. But I keep the laptop more because of who it came from, and how it came to me. It came from friends, and a lot of work went into me getting it, them getting it to work, and then me getting it to run.

My physio exercises are easy enough, I don't mind doing them even if it hurts... even though I was told not to do them if they hurt. I think I will stop if they hurt me from now on. I want to get better so much, maybe I am making myself worse somehow? But when I started physio it was a running joke that there was not really anything that I could do to make myself worse. Maybe we were wrong...

Then to top everything else off I really cannot stop thinking about how I will be homeless. I can't find a friend to even just go and get out of my room with or hang out with me in my room, to just be with me, take my mind off the damned loneliness.