Pain, pain, and more pain

So something that I was going to once post that I never got around to, but I have maybe touched upon, is that my back pain is not being treated... I am seeing a pain doctor, though. Before I went to see him I had looked online and found better reviews on Yelp and other sites... not this site...  Some reviews:

"Literally went in there for about 3 minutes, didn't really say anything to me, and charged me $276. And all he did was write me a prescription for ibuprofen.....Really!! And yes, his wife is very rude."

"I went to this office and let me tell you... his wife who is also the office manager is the most horrible person I met in a long time. She doesn't sympathize or understand a patient's perspective. All she thinks is that we're there for pills, pills, and pills. It's called pain, wench. The scheduling girls are nice but I feel bad for them working under her. And billing... let's not get started on that sad excuse. Don't go here!"

"I saw him for a total of 5 minutes and he charged $780.00. Did not give my a script or anything, just talk. When I walked into the waiting room I felt like I was in another country. Yes, his wife is very rude and the staff is uneducated and could care less."

"I had been in such horrible pain for so long, I thought that was how it was suppose to be. Then he came along and told me otherwise...yet he could never take away my pain!! But he would only give me either pain pills or nerve blocks, nothing else. If I showed up with a smile on my face, to him I must be all better, no not really just trying to fake it till I make it. They go through front office staff like crazy! You either love him or hate him.. Good luck!"

Were some of the reviews that I read.... and they sound about right. I have no idea who his wife is... I have no idea who would want to marry him to be honest, he is a very cold man who doesn't seem to care about much. I've been crying in pain and he doesn't seem to even bat an eye about it... Maybe one of the women is a trophy wife in it for the money, I couldn't imagine another reason to be honest... or some arrangement from his home country?? All of the staff that I've dealt with is usually super kind and nice and understanding, at least to me, but reading the reviews that are upset at the staff, they all mention money--none of the reviews that fail to mention staff mention the cost of their bills much- I have a feeling that it might be connected. If you get upset and bitch about your bill-that might cause someone to not be polite to you, lol.... but anyway, my dealing with the doctor hasn't been the best. So I will put my own review down here, plus a little more explanation in it:

He was willing to give me trigger point injections to treat my chronic pain (Injections right into the spinal column to help pain) -which no other doctor was... This was part of what kept me going to him for several months- but after 6 months of seeing him he has wanting to lower my pain meds- A LOT. This is understandable with the "opioid epidemic" but today (April 2nd) leaving his office I collapsed in pain, unable to walk and strangers had to help carry me to the car I was in (which was right by the drive.) [Yes, I couldn't manage to walk something like 12 feet... first people were concerned and standing around me and then they lifted and carried me to the vehicle. They even wanted first to call paramedics, but I had to convince them that I was fine, before I began to sob too much to speak. My friend had to thank them for me. He even told them that I had just seen the doctor. One of them even asked why the doctor hadn't helped me... heh]

I am constantly in pain, which is ok, the meds just lower how bad my pain is, and Dr. Kumar refuses to even talk to me about changing medications to even something perhaps non-narcotic. (I tried to bring it up again today and failed.) Today he upped one med and took me off another which will leave me doped up when I become in severe agony, and I'm not sure I want to treat my pain because of this. (He literally told me to simply take 2 Norco when I'm in pain... take more Norcos... sometimes I am taking 4 a day, it is ridiculous.) Not taking the meds will cause high blood pressure and organ damage if I don't treat my pain.

*update* 2 mo later- I guess someone reported a complaint I made to her to the doctor- now he gave me a new non-narc and is KINDA listening to me in visits. It took 6 months of me SUFFERING and him hearing about me finally getting a recommendation for a new doctor to actually offer me treatment. He's going to try a new procedure, too... it shouldn't take 6 months of ignoring me and what happened 2 months ago to get help. I'm feeling much better than 2 months ago- I haven't collapsed again--but I am taking a ridiculous amount of Norco that I'm sleeping all the time...

end review

I hope that the higher Lyrica dosage helps my pain. It is sad that it took the fear of losing my money for him to a little more than half ass give me proper treatment in office. The procedure that is upcoming in two weeks is a spinal nerve cauterization Google says 30-50% have some success.... and this success often it has to be redone in 2 years. There can be side-effects, but it often is minimal. I am a bit nervous- mostly that it won't work, though.



"I said at the time I would never have it done again because the pain afterwards was so intense and I'm not sure it helped at all. Well, given that I want to avoid more surgery at all cost, it looks like I'm going to have to do this again. I'm scared.""

"For 5 days afterwards ( except the first day and a half with the numbing agent) the pain was so bad I could not sleep, eat or keep down liquids as I was in so much excruciating pain and was put on even more meds to help control the dry heave vomiting."

" this procedure CAN make your pain level much worse (if done incorrectly and the targeted nerve is damaged) and it 100% WILL make your level of pain worse before making it any better (1-2 months before experiencing any relief)."

That makes me a bit nervous though... cause apparently it can be super painful...... And for a lot of people it apparently doesn't help either, so it might just make my pain worse-for nothing. Some, though, have had help from the procedure, so I am willing to try it at least once. I am looking forward to the procedure and hoping for relief.

What really doesn't help matters is that I broke a filling somehow and a dentist is claiming that I now need a root canal because of it... I really don't know how this figures except perhaps that they want money. I suppose I should seek a second opinion, but because it did manage to get infected it might actually be too late.

I didn't notice that the filling was broken immediately-so the tooth got into a bad shape and became inflame and infected. They did an X-ray and the first dentist at the clinic I saw said that I might actually only need a filling, but it might be a root canal... but when I saw the dentist who took Medicaid the next day he immediately said that I would need a root canal and didn't seem interested in listening to me... like the fact that I told him that I was on Norco and he said that he'd give me more narcotics after surgery-WOAH! And he was telling me to take Motrin, and I tried to explain to him how I couldn't take it, I am already on an NSAID that is prescribed, and he refused to listen and told me to take Motrin anyway, 6 times a day, 2 of them... which would destroy my liver... oh and 500mg of Tylenol, too, 6 times a day-when I am also on Norco which has it in it--I mean, I already have liver issues-this guy just wants me to end up in the hospital with it failing it seems. Anyway I finally just said I would take the two meds, knowing that I wouldn't... And when they told me that Medi-cal would pay for a root-canal, it turns out that wasn't quite true.

So I called a second dental clinic and they told me something interesting. Medi-cal only pays $200 of the $1500 a root canal costs... That's not quite paying for it. And it also turns out that there was an even bigger thing that the doctors didn't tell me at the first clinic-- you need a post and crown when you get a root canal, and that's not included in that $1500. Apparently that costs at least an additional $1100 at the second clinic that I called and Medi-cal will not pay a dime for some reason--despite that this is something you need with a root canal.... why pay for any of it at all?? So I need $2400.

My jaw is so bad that I am having problems eating solid foods. If anything lands back there I have insane pain that lingers for at least an hour. When I lay my head down, it hurts... which makes sleep even more difficult than it already has been. I already have insomnia, now it's even worse. I can't even lie down without my jaw killing me. I can't sit upright without my back killing me. (Standing is worse.) I am exhausted and desperate. I have no money. I don't have much of a support system.

My friends keep citing that at least I have them...as they walk out the door I cannot help but feel alone. They aren't really close friends. I don't have many people who would come over and spend time with me. Suicide is looking like a dear friend as the pain becomes more and more intense as the days drag on longer. When I manage to fall asleep I stay asleep as I'm afraid I will harm myself more than I have. I beat my leg senseless in desperation the other day in the dentist's office because I didn't have a weapon other than my cane. The deep purple bruises mar my pale skin and I can't help but think I wish I'd done more harm. It's a good thing that I live on the first floor of my building.

I really just want the pain to stop. A friend, who is more acquaintance, suggested thinking of things that make you happy when the pain gets to you, but when I try to think of things that make me happy, things that I want to live for, I can't. Those things that USED to make me happy, that I USED to want to live for, they aren't there anymore. Those people don't seem to care anymore. I can no longer manage to read books. I can no longer manage to play video games. I can no longer manage to write.... I can no longer manage to do ANYTHING without such severe agony in my jaw and back.... the back pain has only gotten better because I down so many Norcos, leaving me in a haze, when I do... it's not a fun thing. I just don't want to be alone anymore. Maybe if I weren't alone I could manage this a couple more weeks to the procedure, but I'm struggling.... I just have to make it till then.....

Maladaptive Daydreams and Drugs

So it's been a while since I posted, and not much has changed...

As I write this I am again surrounded by people and I feel isolated.

I discovered something called Maladaptive Daydreaming and I fit many of the symptoms. I often want to slip into a daydream than to sit in my reality, but I'm not sure if it's because of suffer from such a condition like this or that I am just so out of place in my life that I cope as such...  Some of the descriptions I don't fit, but some of them fit like a glove and would describe why my life seems to literally be drifting away.

I can spend hours daydreaming up things, ideas, stories, just lying and imagining away. To be honest I often rather be doing this than dealing with people because I just feel that I cannot fit in with the people around me, especially as I am sitting here... The guys around me are talking about flipping through porn channels... I mean... I literally cannot contribute to this conversation as I have never looked at porn channels. It is making me uncomfortable and slightly disgusted. Then they switch to talking about soccer... I mean it makes little sense to me. Porn to soccer... I'd rather daydream, it's much happier.

But the correlation to Maladaptive Daydreams and like sounds or images, I don't really get. Topics of conversation maybe push me into it, sure, but sounds, images, or smells, just seems bizarre to me.

I do have trouble doing things during the day though. Often I would rather just sit or lie down and daydream than cook a meal. I rather imagine things than try to get up and exercise, risking extreme pain due to my severe injury/disability. I mean cooking, cleaning, trying to exercise or walk a littler, these things are often very painful, I much rather just rest and daydream than risk such pain... Ugh...

I do suffer from insomnia, ADHD, and depression. But I don't really know what came first, daydreams or these things. I'd say first came the insomnia when I was 5. When I have insomnia often I will sit empty-minded, trying to sleep... for hours often, so I don't always have daydreams interfering with sleep... Though sometimes they do.

As a writer the daydreams often involve those ideas that I am wishing to put into words. Most every word that I have written has first been plotted out in my head as a daydream, and several different ideas and plot lines have been explored... Divergent plot lines thought out before I settle upon what I like or what works best, but all worked out in a daydream, in an environment with details almost life-like... It does become addictive at times, though.

Daydreaming is an escape from the depression and loneliness I feel as I sit here alone, surrounded by people. 

Even as I try to get into dating again, I feel like it is a joke, a pathetic parody.

A wonderful, kind, sweet guy that agreed that he wanted to "date" me, rarely gets back to me... It is obvious that his interest is little, despite his claims to otherwise. He says he wants to get together and see me, but any date set up, it falls apart.

So I finally set up a date with a girl that I've flirted with the idea of going out with her before... We are very different, but I really, really, like who she is. I LIKE her. I only fear that our wide differences will drive us apart, but we get along very well... I tried to go on a date with her before, but I admit that I chickened out... So now I will try again. She is so far left that she wishes to stifle free speech, which I am against. She is supporting of communist ideas, which I am against... So only need to keep politics away, despite that I am very political, hehehe.

Speaking of politics, one thing that has been bugging me, and perhaps pushing me to the edge, my pain... I suffer from extreme pain, all the time. My spinal injury causes me pain and my back doctor decided to remove me from Dilaudid and doubled the amount of Norco that he was giving me, despite that I usually take Dilaudid for severe pain and Norco for moderate to severe pain.

Without Dilaudid the doctor told me to just take more Norco...which hasn't been helping, much to my suffering and to no surprise on my part. I told him that I didn't think that it was a good idea. He eventually put me on Lyrica, which I have been on for 9 days... Which I might have some lessened pain, but during this time I also went off Nuerontin for a bit, which made my pain flare up... It can take 2-4 weeks to kick in fully--so I am waiting to see how I am after being on it and Nuerontin for at least 2-3 week mark. So far I am feeling less pain, but I am constantly sleeping and unable to get up because if I do I am in agony because I don't have Dilaudid for my severe pain and I am taking 4-5 Norco when I actually go and do things like shopping for groceries... It has become ridiculous.

Meanwhile everyone is crying wolf and claiming that we have an epidemic that is entirely the fault of drug companies... As if doctors never prescribe too much meds to a patient and patients never knowingly take too much. The really horrible thing is that if you read articles you can see things like people admitting casually like "Yeah so I know I was supposed to take Norco 3 times a day, but I decided to take it 8 times a day"....and people wonder how that person began to abuse other drugs like heroin????? The person says it wasn't for pain either, it was just because it "felt good"... And it's in article after article that I read people admitting to taking more than they need. I will make a separate blog later linking them, cause it's sickening. It's PEOPLE, not drug companies. If people are CHOOSING to get high, there isn't much we can do to stop them. They'd go on the street and pick up cocaine or heroin if they really wanted it... opioid pills already in their possession are just easier unfortunately. Some people are actual victims, but the majority are not.. they are just junkies who have chosen to become addicts. When I have gone to Narcotics Anonymous, most of them will admit that they actually are not powerless victims, that they made choices and continually make the choice not to use again, sounds pretty much like they're in control of their actions to me.

Also a lot has to do with a mix of illegal drugs and RX. So a lot of the people who are sick and dying aren't even suffering from RX meds, they are using street drugs. Also fentanyl, which is a hugely popular drug, a lot of it that's being abused is coming from the street, from China and Mexico. So yes, totally the drug companies despite that it's the street and human being's individual choices doing this. Suing companies will stop people from going to drug dealers.

Wanting to make opioid pain killers cost more, limiting the amount that will be released each year and other ridiculous measure are just making me so sick... Because it will harm the real people who need them... People with chronic pain and people with acute pain from surgery or maybe those dying... What are we going to do?? I mean, my blood pressure soars when I am in pain, my pulse races, and I sob and cry. I cannot function. I collapse to the floor and I can't move. I literally need pain medication and people want to get these things off the market because people are CHOOSING to abuse these things. 

The final straw came for me when I saw this article about Nuerontin. They are now claiming that gabapentin (generic name) is a "cheap" opioid alternative for abuse to get high. First even at super high doses I have never gotten a high on this. At high doses this med has only inhibited my motor functions, made me dizzy, made it hard to move my legs at times, and made my thinking difficult. Also it is super expensive compared to opioids. Opioid generics are cents per pill compared to gabapentin which is over $1 per pill generic... When I had to buy it without insurance I cried that I could only afford a fraction of what I needed at the time... It seems like people are trying to get rid of anything that gets rid of pain... I mean glue, sharpies, dry erase markers, white out, gasoline, paint thinner, and a slew of other things get you high, too---Why are people not so up in arms about these things?!!!