A Hollow Realization

It's after physical therapy and shopping for groceries. I am exhausted and tired. Sore and in pain... But I realize that I feel like I am on auto-pilot. It's like I am empty of emotions. I don't know if it is that I've been trying too hard to feel things, or if that the feelings that I lately would have felt would have been bad that I shut them off... The troubling thing is that I've been on this empty shell program mode for a while- and I didn't even notice it.

I shut out my emotions a lot. PTSD does that to people who have been grievously harmed in the past. Sometimes it is just easier to not feel anything than to risk a glimmer of a good emotion mixed with things that might be a chance. I am sitting here and writing this and I only just realize that I've been automatically been shutting myself off whenever I might have been close to someone... No wonder I've been single for years. (Not necessarily complaining though.)

Recently, as I mentioned before, my ex showed up in my life and I realized that I really missed that close connection that I had with another person. I missed that sweet, kind, relationship. Because I was wounded so deeply when he left me, I've shut myself off when I might get close to others... There is a point that I can be open and enjoy myself and them. I will feel close and happy. I can keep myself unsheltered to an extent, but as soon as I see something that scares me I immediately turn myself off. I just never really realized it until right this moment.

I seem to wander about like an empty wreck of a person, just floating around, lost. I suppose that I could be okay with life like this, because it saves me the pain of rejection. Myself, I can't even tell if there's anything left inside myself anymore. Is there anything in there? Is it only just the pain and the injuries and wounds?

--One note, the doctor did adjust my psych meds... Maybe I'll change my mind later.

Resolution and Nostalgia

I've only had three boyfriends. As I dated, they improved. The first one was very violent physically and sexually. He was controlling, and to this day I am concerned to let my actual identity and location be known due to safety concerns. The second guy I dated was controlling and threatened acts of violence indirectly by harming objects and even our dog and then blaming me. He was also sexually violent to me...

But then, my third boyfriend, he was nice to me. He was kind and sweet, and even bought me things. Usually I had to be the one buying shit for guys I dated. 

I guess because he was so nice, that third really stuck in my heart easily and for so long. Last night though, I got confirmation that a friend was wrong. A friend said that he'd probably been avoiding me because he wasn't over me. He is though, and I thought that any feelings I had for him were long gone away... Yet, seeing him and hearing his voice, it dredges up memories that make my heart want to break.

Because of all of this I do have to question, is it him, or is it the nostalgia of the feelings? I mean, it's been years that I've been single, and he's not crossed my thoughts even as frequently as a weekly or even monthly basis, I don't think. Unless something happened to remind me of him, I really didn't think about him. I suppose I really am missing what it was that I had with him...

For years I had always questioned why friends, and even family, would return to unhealthy and terrible relationships, and suddenly I think I understand why. Maybe they long for the person so hard because they are chasing after those strong feelings... They cannot separate the feelings of love and contentment that happen, mixed with pain and suffering, away from the person. So many people don't realize that it isn't the person, it's the feelings that you are chasing.

To be completely honest, I question if I can have such strong feelings with someone else, but I am quite a pessimist. I'm looking at things from a logical and cold point of view. There is nothing to go back to, there for what I really miss was what was there, and that was the feelings and happiness. If there is anything in this world I've always wanted, it was happiness. Forever, whenever anyone asked me what I would want if I could have anything, I've always answered happiness, because it's been such a fleeting thing in my life.

Because of my past, I also wonder if I can even find someone that I would be content with, too. I have strong points of view and values that I would want someone I care about to share to some extent. I'd need someone who is not jealous and is alright with me gaming... and I'd need someone who is okay that I'm disabled and everything that comes with it... it's lost me two boyfriends now, even if one was terrible.

My life was probably meant to take so many other turns and I just wish I knew why it took the turns that it did. My father seemed to spoil my chance to be an adult, right off the bat... mostly by ruining my junior and senior year. I've faced starving, homelessness (a few times), disability, being unable to walk, suicide attempts and survivals, and so much more... It's all made me stronger, but I wish I could maybe not be alone for a while.. yet at the same time I wonder if I'm ready. It's stupid really. I'm so lonely, but I'm surrounded by people. It's always seemed to be this way for most of my life. I'm screaming loudly, but no body notices.

Users And Growing As A Person

Well... I don't blog often, but when I do, I always seem to have a reason.

I friend of mine, whom if reads this I really don't mind, told me about some quite scummy stuff that he did recently. Things within weeks of when I write this. What was worst about it, he was trying to shift the blame off himself, as if he did not have a choice, or that he did the lesser of two evils, or even a favor to the poor girl involved. I was quite horrified at the tale, and I could perhaps forgiven the action, but the way he shifted blame instead of owning up to it like, 'Yeah, wow, that was a bad decision,' it really shone a light into the sort of human being that he is.

[[ [[Added days after:]] Allen and I spoke of the subject and said that the girl was taking advantage of Mason… Even when I went into details of how this would not be so. It makes me wonder if I went into detail of how I was raped if he would blame me for letting myself fall into such a dangerous situation that allowed myself to be forced into the acts. For months now, I’ve seen him in a new light. The last couple years he has become quite jaded and colder. I’ve begun to question how much I can confide in him. ]] ]]

Now before I delve into what my friend recently regaled me on, let me offer interesting insight into other things I've noticed him say or do, be it subtle or outright and obvious.

He strikes me as the sort of person to take the last slice of pizza if he wants it, given even if another hadn't even had one yet. He's even admitted unapologetically that he is a user of people. When asked why, he's laid it out more as his actions were those of someone who didn't purposely do something for complete gain and nothing else. He's even related his actions more that he didn't realize what he was really doing in the moment. (Like, I'm going to comfort this girl by kissing her, but she took it as a show of romance.) Yet, this is after he’s admitted that he’s taken advantage of situations and people on purpose. Finally, he's expressed his deeds as no big deal and then seems surprised at their consequences when they were obviously big deal actions. And wow, all that is just a slice of his behavior of what he tells me outside of my home.

Mason, I don't mean to pick on, but his actions are wearing on my patience, too. I'm a patient person. The last time he was over he asked if he could have one of my cans of margaritas, and I said, “Yeah, I wanna know if leaving it in Allen's car made it bad or not.” And he strides into the living room with a tall glass full of liquid, when the small can could never fill it.

When I asked if he mixed it with something, he said, “No, I just used two cans.”

Okay…. THAT pissed me off. I said he could have one… aaaand who puts two cans of something that might have gone bad?! He constantly takes advantage of “well I did it once, I can do it again,” sort of attitude.

But, anyway, that is his type of behavior. He asked if he could use my vodka twice, now he guzzles it down, never asking. I have to hide it to stop him.

He loves to hear himself talk. Mason also loves to play the martyr, too, even when he obviously isn't. He has a nice paying job, but he acts like it's minimum wage, and so he complains, whines, and brags about his per hour. He lives with his mother and has a very easy life, but he acts as if he struggles day to day. He’s the sort of person who wishes to be right, even if he has to twist the situation, or his answer to make him correct. Listening comes hard, and he has to offer way more than his two cents; he offers more like two hundred cents.

Now, I’ve gotten used to his stories and complaints that he offers every time he comes over. Often he prattles on whilst I wish to do something else, but I am listening because I am trying to be polite as he listens to me too, sometimes. He’s told me often about his past sexual history in the last couple months, and it’s been very frank, and it’s made me somewhat uncomfortable and surprised at how cold he is.

There is a girl, Samantha, that he lived with for a short period of time made things complicated with him and her. He’d mentioned that they’d dated, sort of, before. He also explained that he lived with her for a month, and during that month he saw her naked. When he explained her nakedness, it was put as if she was nude while changing or sleeping or something…

I’ve had people see me in a state of undress. My male roommie/best friend Allen has had to come help me out of the bathtub before. He’s been with me to the ER and helped me undress for the doctor and held my hand through procedures where I was physically exposed. It reaches a detached sort of natural feeling state with no sexuality about it- after all, humans are born naked and some tribes live naked, or near so. Paramedics rescued me naked on the floor once. Dozens of nurses and doctors have seen me nude to the point that it unfazes it me unless it is someone who isn’t seeing me for medical causes.

But changing clothes or sleeping in undress… This was not the case with Mason and Samantha. At least the only case… They were sleeping together of course. Now sleeping with someone without dating them personally is not my thing, but I don’t frown upon other people who practice it, usually. I believe in fidelity. Definition is given as follows: The quality or state of being faithful. Well, before, during, after, and even now, Samantha had a boyfriend. The boyfriend is a long distance relationship, but this does not excuse her behavior. Also, according to Mason, every time that they hang out she tries to seduce him.

Now given how he is, I am somewhat skeptical of just how much pressure she puts on him, but I can only guess. He says that she has a history of cutting and suffers from depression. When I ask why she doesn’t end the relationship with her boyfriend, he claims that she says that she loves her bf. Funny way that, to show love by cheating constantly when there’s no abuse or cruelty or pressure on her to force her body or heart to stray. But I also ask why Mason indulges in sleeping with her, essentially using her like that. She’s a girl with large issues who he’s taking advantage of. He doesn’t see it that way though, of course. He says that he’s afraid she’ll hurt herself. He even said that the most recent time he slept with her, it was to get her to stop crying and complaining about something! To shut her up, he slept with her!

Mason is sleeping with a girl that he knows has a boyfriend, has self-esteem issues, and has other emotional problems. He’s clearly taking advantage and knows, but he just doesn’t care. He can get laid from it, and he’s totally fine by it. He just doesn’t see the damage that he’s indulging in. Even when I explained what he was doing, he shrugged and said that she already had issues before he became involved. He also doesn’t give a shit about her having a bf. I personally stopped seeing a friend who was too flirty with me cause he had a gf because I didn’t approve.

The last thing he said regarding Samantha that really struck a nerve with me was regarding her looks. He’s called her kind of fat, very overweight and such… But said she could probably “get a pretty good looking boyfriend” if she wanting because she is nerdy. He looks at the world in such shallow measures that he can’t see beyond things on the outside like looks. No wonder he is sleeping with her to get her to “shut up.” He might be her boyfriend is she was skinny and hot in his perspective.

When I call him a friend… I think it’s not quite the right word… I mostly just play video games with him. I don’t think I would entrust him with much of anything, honestly. I mean, who would? Can you say sociopathic? Psychopaths don’t realize what they’re doing is messed up, but sociopaths are aware that they are super fucked up and they shrug it off and continue doing it.

He’s come over to my place to video games more and more often, to the point that his welcome mat is frayed and in tatters. My roommate and I, though, are somewhat okay with it, though extremely annoyed by some of the things that he does. But as he drives me up the walls, it really makes me reflect on myself and what sort of person I am; my faults, my sins, my misdeeds, and my past. Yeah, I was never as bad as Mason, but I once was more faulty.

The saying “it takes one to know one” is really true in its insight, without it probably meaning to be. For me, it did take me knowing one to realize that I had been like that one. Fortunately not quite in the example in Mason, but in other cases I learned lessons harshly and I bear the shame still today. Life has a way of maturing us even well into our adulthood, as long as we’re willing to learn.

A highlight of something that drove my best friend to anger over my annoyance to him was my behavior dating back to 2013. He would be bothered when I wanted to hang out in his room for company or come over and merely chat for a while. When he’d finally snap at me, and Allen’s not one for anger, I was surprised, hurt, and confused over what I’d done to push him to be so upset at me. Sometimes he just wouldn’t want to see me all day, so I’d be left for a day or two without human interaction, at least in real life.

Now, when I moved in over in Thousand Oaks with Marc and Abdul I got a taste of … well myself. Abdul would be exactly how I’d been with Allen. Adbul didn’t have a car and didn’t have any friends in the area because he’d just moved here from San Diego. So Abdul would sometimes just come into my room without knocking sometimes, that’s how friendly he felt. I was alone and stuck in the house a lot, yeah, but it was driving me up the walls. It wasn’t until I began to think about it that I realized this is how I must’ve made Allen feel. And also he’s leave my door open when he left, too, allowing two big dogs to come inside, sniff around at stuff, and jump on my bed and lick me… that was the same, too. I think I liked the dogs a bit more than Allen though.

Abdul did eventually start school and he did calm down and got involved socially online, so that was good for him. I still feel bad that I’d been so annoying and burdensome though. I can imagine I’ve pestered a lot of other friends in the past, too, just not as much as my best friend.

A girl came over some time ago and while we were talking she casually mentioned some sexual abuse that had occurred when she was young and I was a bit taken aback. I myself will not deny that it has occurred to me when I was young, but I try to be a little more close-lipped about it now. I used to be a very ‘sad drunk’ and just want to drink my sorrows of my abuse away, but for quite a long time now, I’ve been aware it only serves to isolate me more. I could only offer her best wishes and support.

There is this guy who comes over frequently for video games. He is hard to pin. He is so down on himself that he’s just not the kind of person I’d want to date or even be around at times. Realizing this I realized maybe this is why I’m single. I’m my own worst critic. I also cannot take compliments at all. So I can only take this as a wake-up call and try to grow myself and make me better.

Going to doctors and specialists a lot I meet many people who have injuries. Some are like mine, some different. Some people are hurt worse, usually not, and some are not as hurt. Then I meet people like Frank. Frank wants to make it a contest, and win the I’m hurt worse contest, against me. I’m pretty, uh, frank when it comes to my injuries, if not maybe downplaying them a little. Frank though, oh man, his has to be much worse… So he goes on about what doctors he sees and the stronger meds that he takes, and he is like bragging.

The only take away I can glean from that is to try to be sober about my health. It is what it is, and I can only do my best to get better and get healthier. Who cares about the pain medicine that you get? You should try to take as little as you can… and that wasn’t a very good take one to know one… Um, but, I just hope people don’t get the impression from me that I’m trying to brag. My injuries are like a laundry list and shopping list, too. I just can’t help it.

Then there is an example like Max, well, I could write pages on him alone. I learned a simple thing from him though. If you reach out to contact someone using like a text message, maybe text once more that day and then leave it. Wait for them to respond. Maybe text them again the next day or something if you haven’t heard back. That’s a cold, hard, lesson that I learned from experience and from him. He went completely overboard over me.

A little while after my last ex broke up with me he went radio silent and I did get worried. He vanished, but he left word that something happened with his car, word to my bestie Allen, who of course never told me until weeks later… So I never heard back from messages asking if he was simply okay. I fretted and worried, and I only found out after weeks that he was alright… I shoved him very far away with my actions, when all I was doing was being concerned that something terrible might have happened to him.

It’s been four years but I ache all over in a way akin to when I feel guilt. My ex who’s avoided me (quite well I must say) for four years finally faced the music, of me, and showed his face at my place. I was extremely surprised to see him. I was also extremely nervous and clumsy when in his presence, for no goddamn reason. The pain inside hurts me and I want to just cry. I just want to find someone else to date and be as happy as I was with him, but it won’t work out that way. I keep wondering if maybe I just go through the right actions maybe, eventually, I won’t be with someone I care about as much, but I’ll eventually forget how deep of emotions I’m capable of feeling.