We Know You Are...

So a while ago I made friends with an awesome girl, and we've clicked very well. She has been gracious enough and even happy to help me out, by driving me to the pharmacy, to medical appointments and other things. The time spent we may be trying to figure out how to get there and laughing our asses off in the car as we talk about things, but still, I greatly appreciate it. One thing that we see a lot of though, are homeless, or supposedly homeless people, with signs asking for money, help, or literally "anything" that would help them.

For those not privy to some of the issues facing homelessness in the county of Ventura, just north of Los Angeles county, there are many more people spread out across the county instead of concentrated in places such as the famous Skid Row in downtown Los Angeles. Some of the people are actually not even homeless, many have homes, even own properties, and come and beg for money as a profession in affluent areas of the county. The reason why people are spread across the county and when you hand money to someone you have no idea if it is a con person, someone who needs food, or will buy liquor or drugs is because Ventura has barely any programs in place to aid homeless people, unlike Los Angeles county.

One thing that many might not know about me, is that I was legally homeless for a period, about a year ago. I was going to be on the streets. I didn't live in L.A. county, I lived 10min away from it. The thing separating me from being able to get a bed? The season that I became homeless and the fact that I was mostly wheelchair bound instead of able-bodied. If I had been in L.A. county, I would have been able to have found help. If I wouldn't have been physically limited, the reason I am out of work, I would have found help. If it had been colder outside, I might have found help.

When I explained to my friend my experiences in detail, about how I was set to sleep in a park for the first time. My preparedness with a knife in hand, and how much gratitude I feel, and just how much I truly owe to the family who is currently helping me out right now, she was very taken aback. I was nearly crying myself. If I didn't have Gigi helping me out of altruistic feelings, I might have died on the streets from exposure, sickness, or infection from a wound or other complication from my condition. When you cannot feel your legs well, you don't always notice injuries.

Once again I am dealing with a lawyer about SSI, or hopefully SSDI, but this time it is more from their office feeling sorry for my situation than they see me as a hopeful source of money, so I hope that I can perhaps begin to stand better on my own, so to speak... But, my friend even she needs help, still, because the cost of living here is too much to handle on her own at the moment.

I don't really have family as which to speak of. They are all dead, or act as if they are to me. So sometimes I admit I do feel jealousy towards my friends who have family, even the families who don't offer much aid, but still offer love.

But, on the streets when you drive by a person begging for money, I often feel a kinship because I've known often not having enough to eat. Not knowing if I would have a place to sleep. Being scared of my safety. I don't really have money to offer, though, so if I can I will offer food... And it is amusing and alarming just how high a percentage are offended by this. About half.

Now if you are unbathed, or appear to be, have a sign asking for money, or actually anything, and someone offers to buy you food, after saying, "I can't give you money, but I can give you food. Would you like something to eat?" Why would you be offended? Maybe about one fourth of the time they politely decline, but then that last quarter, I see the shine of hope in their eyes and they will gratefully usually take whatever food I have to offer. I have food stamps, or sometimes I may have left overs. Or before when I have had money on a debit card, I have willingly purchased food with it for these people, and then returned. I am not one to normally carry cash... But it makes me sad that they'd be so happy at the idea of food.

Yet I know so well, and understand, because I've been there. I have gone days without eating before. It is not the most fun thing to do in the world, when it isn't a willing act. I've done it out of crazy desperation to control weight, sure, but when my thyroid was in control, I never had to worry about eating too much, especially because for part of that time I was in a situation that food was very scarce. I might have a food portion appropriate for a small child, and then go the weekend without, having to wait until Monday for more, at school.

Why reminisce on such things? Well, homelessness is something I fear I may be facing again. I found out this morning, quite rudely I might add, that the $25,000 in plumbing work that was done, was pretty much done for no reason. At least that was what was told to me in other words. Part of my lease was that I needed to take baths... and baths are no longer allowed. Which leaves me unable to safely bathe.

I've done sponge bathing before, and it's no picnic, but it is safer than me taking a shower and falling, again.

The mother I live with, when I asked her if I could bathe again, not only said in a rude way, "Well... you can try... but I don't know..." As if everyone else in the house, it is okay if they bathe, but not me, she went on to say, "Baths are also a huge waste of water, too, so you shouldn't take them."

1. Electricity has been shut off at least 7 times since I moved in. That is a BASIC UTILITY!

2. I purposely don't go and take showers because I need LONG baths, because it takes me a while due to my injuries... Baths actually save me water.

3. I'd be willing to skip days to take a bath every few days, than a shower every day... 

4. Also there was no mention of need to save water especially with how the lawn is watered all the time. If seems as if I'm the only one who cares about the environment, but I get chastised about water?!

5. Again baths were stipulated as a needed thing before I moved in. I unfortunately realize these people want me out... shit.

They want me to not bathe, they want me to be in pain, they don't want me sitting on the furniture as if I were some animal who might tear it up if I smell another creature, and they don't want me to prepare my food, nor eat my food anywhere but the kitchen any longer, despite the severe pain it might cause me.... which has lead me to unwillingly begin to fast.

I finally began to calm down about my dieting, because I noticed in the mirror that my stomach was smaller, and my collar bones were more prominent. Now I realize it might have to do with the fact that not only do I face the same difficulties with pain preparing food, I have extra pain with trying to consume the food in a chair. Wooden dining chairs force a posture that puts the most strain and stress on the lower back than standing or walking would cause. I will choose hunger more than that.

I've been accused of causing roaches to infest the kitchen, which I find disgusting, but I know why it's been caused. Something has begun that I didn't used to see, but I've seen at another place I lived. More and more, and for longer periods of time, food is being left out on the stove for days at a time. It is sickening enough, but then it is also reheated and consumed. Then I am blamed. As if my bookshelf against the wall of the kitchen, piled boxes, and bags and blankets would more entice roaches to come inside, ignore my room, and run into the kitchen. I still have yet to see more than an occasional spider in my bedroom.

Spiders are not cool..... ugh... yeah I am sorry I got bit by one once, got a terrible abscess, and so now unless it is something I know to be non-poisonous I will kill indiscriminately all spiders.

Sometimes I wonder if these people have somehow spoken to my father.