Words have been bursting from me, but I have been trying to keep them all inside, desperately hoping that no one I know will judge me further than they have. I already have a low enough opinion of myself that having others just convince me that I am worth even less is driving me to a brink that is very hard for me to turn from.
I've been struggling with food, first of all. Part of it stems all the way back to when I lived with my father and step-mother and I was constantly berated for being lazy and eating too much. Is it an eating disorder if it is "technically" starvation because the amount of calories is so low, but the person is still overweight?
Probably 95% of people who read the above question will think, "Oh that's bullshit! That's impossible!" But, actually it is... if you have hypothyroidism... an underactive thyroid gland. Which was what was wrong with me when I was a pre-teen. I was under eating, and exercising for hours a day, but I couldn't lose weight, I only seemed to gain more. It was only at a doctor's visit that my father was commenting about how I was so fat and if there was advice for better exercises or diets that my step mother, yes the one who hated me most, actually interrupted him and pointed out I was very active and didn't eat much.
A blood test later and I was put on a very high dose of levothyroxine, the synthetic supplement for what your thyroid is supposed to secrete. I began to lose weight, I suddenly resumed growing in height, and I wasn't so depressed and tired and cold all the time, either. It was like a miracle had come to me. But unfortunately due to lazy medical care when I was 18 I put on 60 lbs in a year because I was taken off the medication though I still needed it, about the same dose I am currently on actually... and I have yet to lose the weight. I only recently got back onto the medication.
Now if anyone thinks it is like a placebo affect, you can talk to envious friends that I've been losing weight by not changing my diet what so ever. (Really, I am totally serious, I lost about 30 lbs without doing anything, and I was kind of like, "Haha, you lost weight from eating less, I lost it from just getting my hormones fixed!") Also you can't fake blood tests.
But, even with that, I'm still fat. Because I'm not like a model, like the one I live with who is my age. I never see her eat a normal adult sized meal, ever. That is if I actually even see her eat. Her father blatantly pointed out that it is my own fault that I am fat because I don't exercise enough, or didn't before my accident, and I could do more, now, too. Hormone problems are BS... even though he is very obese, has type 2 diabetes, and sleep apnea.
Still, it got to me. I've been counting calories to the point that now I am eating under 1000 a day. Averaging between 500-800 a day. When I started I was eating under 500. Maybe 150-400 at most. But I came to some sense. I am still extremely frustrated because nothing is happening. 1000 is below that starvation threshold! Why is nothing happening? I am exercising, too. 1200 is the least recommended. I mean, no one really cares enough to say anything to stop me, so it doesn't matter at all. If anything I could probably find ProAna's who might encourage me to dip back to below 500.
There was a guy I met, too. Someone I had known for years, who had seen pictures of me, and I had lost 30 lbs, and he thought I was too fat. It's really pushed me to try to lose weight. But because of my thyroid is it near impossible to do so, at least it has been ever since I was taken off my medicine when I turned 18. I am back on it, but the dose is so low I barely register the affects, other doctors who are not my primaries suggest a higher dose. I still suffer most of the classic symptoms associated with low thyroid hormone. I mean I am not gaining weight, but I feel tired and cold all the time, and that is super frustrating to deal with.
So where I live, I suppose it sounds weird when I say I live with a model and her dad. I live with a family. I rent a room. And when I first moved in things were nice, but everything has really gone to hell. The father lost his job, and got a new one, but it pays less, and today I heard that it is temporary. The mother lost her job, too. Over the weekend there was a $2500 plumbing bill that was wracked up, but the real problem was the main line draining out and it would be $25,000 to fix... But what was done should help for a month or two. But today everything went to hell.
It is kind of the family's own fault I have to say. We're supposed to be conserving water, we're in a severe drought, and this family just wastes water as if it means nothing. Karma's a bitch. The father usually water's the lawn every day. It doesn't even need watering every day, any idiot should know that, but yet he does it, despite the crisis we face, too! So, he used to throw an orange down the garbage disposal in the kitchen every month or so, and the main drain pipe got clogged. But this family does like tiny loads of laundry, tiny loads of dishes, super super super long showers, excessive watering, and the things that they have asked me NOT to do, I can only assume that they have at one time once done and it astounds me.
I've been being treated in a very unkind and different manner for a while now... very similarly to how I was treated by my father after he married my step-mother. It is mostly the mother, but the father has done it, too. Like the comment about my weight being too high, despite his own being out of control, I mean my BMI is overweight, his is obese, there are way more than just one example.
They claim that they are saying it to "all the girls", meaning myself and the other two daughters living here in their twenties, too. But, I sometimes doubt they've been told some of the things I have been told. About the plumbing I was told not to flush sanitary napkins or wipes of any kind, even if they said that they were flush-able, or large wads of tissue, and I immediately replied, "Of course, I generally try to treat private home toilets as if they could have a septic tank, just in case, you never know." But the father continued on, as if I had probably flushed several pads, tampons, and god-knows-what-else down the toilet before.
The mother also approached me about the new armchair in the living room that it was for the father only, like his personal chair, and for him to sit in, like only him. I was cool with that. I'm not cool that I have seen at some point every other person in the house and at least three other people who don't live here sit in the chair at some point with the mother or father present while they were in the chair and it was okay. So apparently it was meant, I cannot sit in the chair. That is totally fine, too, but I wish she hadn't been an evasive bitch about it. If they want to treat me like a dog that they want to stay off the furniture they should just say so.
At least my step mother had the balls to tell me that I was worth less than the dirt the graced the bottom of her shoes. The older daughter, whether or not she has an eating disorder, I truly don't know, she might eat while she's out, she actually doesn't seem to be home a lot, so I can't speculate what her secret is... but it really is just that, a secret. Yet the younger daughter is a conceited lying skank.
Even though according to her step father I am very fat, therefor you know, unattractive, the younger daughter is super jealous of me. It has something to do with when she invites people over she often makes them wait hours while she gets ready to leave. I am also not exaggerating, she makes them wait from 2-3 hours sometimes. I have had my best friend complain when I made him wait 3 minutes. This is another thing that I have incurred the wrath of the mother from, that I am kind to the younger daughter's guests. We really need to get a peep hole so I know who not to answer the door to.
I'm pretty sure that the rent I am paying might be somewhat vital to the family at this juncture, but at the way I am being treated less and less like a person and more like some sort of beast or animal, I am desiring to just leave. I would feel terrible if it had negative consequences for them, but wouldn't it perhaps be just because they brought it upon themselves?
I am biting my tongue so hard at this point that I am choking on my blood. At some point I might drown on my own blood or bleed to death...
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