Every day is stretching so long, and yet time is flying by as the end of the month is looming. My comfortable life of sleeping on a bed that hurts my back, but at least I have the privacy of a room, and the safety of staying indoors will so soon be gone.
And now something that I thought I no longer had to deal with has returned... bowel incontinence. Something I am fiercely embarrassed of, but it is a medical condition, and one that having out on the streets, could be very messy. Inside I can easily be clean and cleansed in minutes... but if this continues... cleaning wipes and pads are only a temp measure.
I actually have had a huge problem since my accident of a form of bladder control. Not the problem that people typically have of that it leaks out, but that I for the life of me cannot urinate sometimes, even when I really, really, really have to go. I once had a distended bladder so bad (meaning it has dropped in your body) it was really hurting, and I had to go to the hospital so they could put a catheter into me to get the urine out. It was just under 2 liters... Most people go pee with less than 1 liter! There are documented isolated cases of this happening, but it is very rare.
But the bowel problems didn't happen until Dr. Ashokan (link goes to his sanctions) shot me with whatever the hell he felt like shooting me up with. When I was at the VCMC, Ventura County Medical Center, ER I heard homeless people apparently like to shit themselves for some reason so they can go to the ER and torment the nurses, and when I lost control of my bowel after asking repeatedly for a diaper the nurse was so angry at me. She was a huge bitch and treated me very poorly so I spoke to a superior and complained. She is still there though. I don't want to seem like that if the unlikely chance...or all too likely chance occurs.
People will probably ask me why I am not going to sell certain items like my laptop and such, but if you regard it realistically the amount of money I would get for an electronic mere years old is so devalued, I could earn better money keeping it and using it to look up images to draw for commissions like I wound up doing on Free Comic Book Day. But I keep the laptop more because of who it came from, and how it came to me. It came from friends, and a lot of work went into me getting it, them getting it to work, and then me getting it to run.
My physio exercises are easy enough, I don't mind doing them even if it hurts... even though I was told not to do them if they hurt. I think I will stop if they hurt me from now on. I want to get better so much, maybe I am making myself worse somehow? But when I started physio it was a running joke that there was not really anything that I could do to make myself worse. Maybe we were wrong...
Then to top everything else off I really cannot stop thinking about how I will be homeless. I can't find a friend to even just go and get out of my room with or hang out with me in my room, to just be with me, take my mind off the damned loneliness.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Monday, May 12, 2014
A Near Heart Scare
To go, or not to go?
To the ER, again.
I wound up going to the ER on Free Comic Book Day, May 3rd, I went to the ER after I fell on my stairs. My back was hurting so badly that I couldn't really stand up. At the ER I got a shot, felt better, but wasn't discharged. I was left alone for about 8 hours before the doctor came back to ask how I was feeling. I was on a gurney and on my back, which was a nightmare for my back, so when I woke up I couldn't stop the groan of pain that came from the sudden onset of waking up in such a horrible position.
The doctor thought that I was faking because the medication he gave me 8 hours earlier should have helped, despite that I was sleeping in the worst position for my back for 8 hours on a badly padded bed, in a position that also put extra stress on my lower back because the back was raised slightly. So he told me not to come back to that ER.
Yesterday 5/11, I was watching The Amazing Atheist and working on Deviantart work, when suddenly my chest hurt, very badly. It was like someone shoved a knife into my chest and twisted it around. My breaths became short, I was lightheaded and dizzy and my left arm had shooting pain, similar to the nerve pain I get in my legs. When it didn't go away after ten minutes, I called 911, afraid to get in trouble for going to the ER.
Yes, I could have been having a heart attack or a thrombosis (a very dangerous blood clot), and I was afraid of going to the ER because of upsetting a doctor there. After I called them, they asked me for my cell phone number and I had to explain about three times that my cell phone doesn't have a number. It is deactivated, but at least since 2005 when my friend had a deactivated on, I knew it could call 911 still. One time I called 911 on a drunk driver and the operator had the audacity to ask, "if it's deactivated, how are you calling me?" omg.... *facepalm* I promptly explained any cell phone can always call 911, despite coverage, so I could deal with the dangerous motorist.
So when I got to the hospital, fortunately I didn't see that doctor who forbade me from returning. The doctor I had actually was willing to give me heavy narcotics for my back pain, because he knows me, and saw how much pain my back was, as countless tests were being run to check my heart and lungs and blood. Yeah, he was willing to give me Dilaudid, but I turned him down, because my pain wasn't that bad. (Dilaudid 1mg is = 7.5mg Morphine, I usually get 1-2mg). I was actually offered it like three times, but I refused it.
Fortunately they couldn't find anything wrong with my heart, lungs, or blood. Heart problems and issues run in my family. My mother had a heart valve that let blood leak back into a chamber giving her a heart murmur. My aunt had two holes in her heart and died on the operating table while the doctors were trying to save her. Cousin... another aunt....... others.........
So I had physical therapy today, and I was sort of looking forward to it. Depression decided to weigh heavily down on me today, like I walk on a place that has massive gravity. The chest pain struck in the car, very strong. Then at physio the pain came once more, enough to make me stop exercising on the stationary bike. After I was finished I called my primary care physician's office (PCP) and spoke with them. They had wanted to know how my seizures have been lately.
Apparently three seizures in a month are too many, and my brain MRI is going to be moved up from August to some time earlier. I lied though, it's been more than three. I don't want the doctor's to think that I am exaggerating claims. But I mentioned the chest pain and I was advised to go to the ER immediately despite the ER doctor telling me to see my PCP. The PCP office said that they don't have the tools to figure out what could be wrong. My physio therapist said I should be fine. The PCP office seemed VERY alarmed and wanted me to go to the ER. The ER has that doctor who--------ugh the pain feels like a stabbing, sharp, so sharp, my head is swimming....but the ER has that doctor who doesn't want to see me again....omg the pain is getting so bad that I can't breathe....
I had to stop writing and come back to finish this. I don't want to go to the ER because that doctor who does not want me there could be there... and the ER told me to see my PCP. It's a cycle I've fallen into before ER, PCP, ER, PCP....
Then I also found out that my father texted my friend trying to reach me. I had called him some time ago, apologizing for everything that I might have done wrong in my life to make him not care about me. Now he has the audacity to say that is he mad that I am blaming everything wrong in my life on him... That I am upset that he can't find me housing immediately, despite him having two houses, an apartment for my uncle, and he's known I need a place to stay since the end of December. End of December to today doesn't seem immediate to me, but I guess other people differ on opinions.
I almost hope that there is something wrong with my heart that the doctor's missed. It might just be easier if I die sooner, my life just never seems to go in a good direction ever since my mother died. Oh yeah, being in the ER on mother's day and having a nurse ask if I had kids and then hearing about what she did with her mother was just great for my psyche.
At least the season finale of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic season 4 was freakin awesome... one reason to keep on chugging..
I wound up going to the ER on Free Comic Book Day, May 3rd, I went to the ER after I fell on my stairs. My back was hurting so badly that I couldn't really stand up. At the ER I got a shot, felt better, but wasn't discharged. I was left alone for about 8 hours before the doctor came back to ask how I was feeling. I was on a gurney and on my back, which was a nightmare for my back, so when I woke up I couldn't stop the groan of pain that came from the sudden onset of waking up in such a horrible position.
The doctor thought that I was faking because the medication he gave me 8 hours earlier should have helped, despite that I was sleeping in the worst position for my back for 8 hours on a badly padded bed, in a position that also put extra stress on my lower back because the back was raised slightly. So he told me not to come back to that ER.
Yesterday 5/11, I was watching The Amazing Atheist and working on Deviantart work, when suddenly my chest hurt, very badly. It was like someone shoved a knife into my chest and twisted it around. My breaths became short, I was lightheaded and dizzy and my left arm had shooting pain, similar to the nerve pain I get in my legs. When it didn't go away after ten minutes, I called 911, afraid to get in trouble for going to the ER.
Yes, I could have been having a heart attack or a thrombosis (a very dangerous blood clot), and I was afraid of going to the ER because of upsetting a doctor there. After I called them, they asked me for my cell phone number and I had to explain about three times that my cell phone doesn't have a number. It is deactivated, but at least since 2005 when my friend had a deactivated on, I knew it could call 911 still. One time I called 911 on a drunk driver and the operator had the audacity to ask, "if it's deactivated, how are you calling me?" omg.... *facepalm* I promptly explained any cell phone can always call 911, despite coverage, so I could deal with the dangerous motorist.
So when I got to the hospital, fortunately I didn't see that doctor who forbade me from returning. The doctor I had actually was willing to give me heavy narcotics for my back pain, because he knows me, and saw how much pain my back was, as countless tests were being run to check my heart and lungs and blood. Yeah, he was willing to give me Dilaudid, but I turned him down, because my pain wasn't that bad. (Dilaudid 1mg is = 7.5mg Morphine, I usually get 1-2mg). I was actually offered it like three times, but I refused it.
Fortunately they couldn't find anything wrong with my heart, lungs, or blood. Heart problems and issues run in my family. My mother had a heart valve that let blood leak back into a chamber giving her a heart murmur. My aunt had two holes in her heart and died on the operating table while the doctors were trying to save her. Cousin... another aunt....... others.........
So I had physical therapy today, and I was sort of looking forward to it. Depression decided to weigh heavily down on me today, like I walk on a place that has massive gravity. The chest pain struck in the car, very strong. Then at physio the pain came once more, enough to make me stop exercising on the stationary bike. After I was finished I called my primary care physician's office (PCP) and spoke with them. They had wanted to know how my seizures have been lately.
Apparently three seizures in a month are too many, and my brain MRI is going to be moved up from August to some time earlier. I lied though, it's been more than three. I don't want the doctor's to think that I am exaggerating claims. But I mentioned the chest pain and I was advised to go to the ER immediately despite the ER doctor telling me to see my PCP. The PCP office said that they don't have the tools to figure out what could be wrong. My physio therapist said I should be fine. The PCP office seemed VERY alarmed and wanted me to go to the ER. The ER has that doctor who--------ugh the pain feels like a stabbing, sharp, so sharp, my head is swimming....but the ER has that doctor who doesn't want to see me again....omg the pain is getting so bad that I can't breathe....
I had to stop writing and come back to finish this. I don't want to go to the ER because that doctor who does not want me there could be there... and the ER told me to see my PCP. It's a cycle I've fallen into before ER, PCP, ER, PCP....
Then I also found out that my father texted my friend trying to reach me. I had called him some time ago, apologizing for everything that I might have done wrong in my life to make him not care about me. Now he has the audacity to say that is he mad that I am blaming everything wrong in my life on him... That I am upset that he can't find me housing immediately, despite him having two houses, an apartment for my uncle, and he's known I need a place to stay since the end of December. End of December to today doesn't seem immediate to me, but I guess other people differ on opinions.
I almost hope that there is something wrong with my heart that the doctor's missed. It might just be easier if I die sooner, my life just never seems to go in a good direction ever since my mother died. Oh yeah, being in the ER on mother's day and having a nurse ask if I had kids and then hearing about what she did with her mother was just great for my psyche.
At least the season finale of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic season 4 was freakin awesome... one reason to keep on chugging..
Friday, May 9, 2014
Back again... returned and omg my back hurts
I AM BACK!
So I was watching American Addict, a documentary about how the U.S.A. uses most of the worlds RXs, and I just face palmed so much. A woman was furious about the death of her son.
"He said he had hurt his back and that he was taking it because his back was hurting.
Oxycontin and roxi...codone, and um....... somas?
All prescribed at one time. ((said super fast))
And this doctor was prescribing him medication fuuur an illness he didn't have.
He kinda lost his... ...his drive if you wanna say...?
And I went to work, and about probably like ten o'clock, I don't even, the day is just a mess for me. {sniff} I get a call... and it's my mom.
She says, "Something's wrong with Joseph. I went to wake him up,{pause for emotional breath trying not to cry.} and there's this stuff coming out of his mouth."
And I yelled at my mom. I'm like, "Why are you calling me? Why aren't you calling the, you know, the paramedics or something or something?"
And I ran out of work. I left work... and I prayed all the way home... Tried to bargain with God... No bargaining with God... {small sad laugh} I got here...
No Paramedics.
Only police.
And so he was gone.
And... from what the coroner says is... he only took one pill. He took one pill... and his body couldn't handle it anymore, and he went to sleep, and he didn't wake up. And I guess they found out that, well, maaybee it wasn't just my son. Maaaybeee there's others. So they started doing their own undercover work.
They went in there undercover, and how easy it is to walk into a doctor's office.. and say your back hurts, "my neck hurts, my leg hurts,"... um...{shakes head} and get a prescription for a drug that is really for people with, like, cancer or something that's very, you know, a very severe illness."
You know what, my legs and back hurt, and I really could use some of those drugs they give cancer patients, you know why? I went to the E.R. a couple weeks ago because I collapsed in my own home on the floor... in front of my front door... My legs had stopped working! (again)
I didn't even have my cell phone, which is deactivated but it can call 911, which with wifi I could get on Skype and maybe get someone to come over and help me. I thought about trying to crawl out of the house and into the street. As soon as I began to drag myself a few inches pain that was already bad seared like hot iron through my spine and down my legs and radiated out into my back. I screamed as quietly as I could manage.
It took an hour for someone who is renting another room in the house I live to happen to come downstairs and find me. I was still unable to move my legs, but I had moved about three feet closer to the door.
He called 911 for me. He was also kind enough to retrieve my cellphone and keys. Paramedics came and took me to the ER, yet again. I've been to that ER because my legs have stopped working several times. Most of the other times I have gone against my will. I had been trying to take a walk, then my legs gave out, and after being on the sidewalk for an hour some good samaritan calls 911 to come help me. Because I can't get up and walk they would strap me to a board and then haul me off to the hospital.
So at the ER when I was taken off the board I was in so much pain I screamed so loudly not only did I damage my voice for about four days, but apparently the entire ER and more actually heard me. I usually never can scream very loud, but that was extremely painful. My blood pressure showed just how much I was hurting clocking in at 144/106, and I take a blood pressure medication to lower my BP because of my constant pain.
The doctor decided to give me 2mg of Dilaudid, and against my better judgement I didn't ask for them to only give me 1mg instead of 2mg IV. They set up a saline drip, and I contemplated. The very first time I got Dilaudid it was 2mg and I was like OMFG I never want 2mg again, it was way too strong. It was right after a doctor herniated my disc to 1cm right into my spinal cord. Yeah it helped the pain, but I didn't like the way it affected my mind. But, I was actually in more pain at that moment a couple weeks ago, so I let them give me the 2mg.
I felt high, I hated it, but the pain went down enough that my screams of pain soon only became sobs and whimpers. The doctor went to me and asked me how he wanted me to help him, and I explained that I collapsed closing the door after a friend left, I just wanted to go upstairs to my room and rest. It took another 1mg of Dilaudid to let me sit up, still in a lot of pain. 3mg of Dilaudid for me to still be in quite a bit of pain, but enough to grit and bear it, so I could climb the stairs of my house and go home. So I did.
What is wrong with the medical system that so many people get drugs and treatments for bullshit things, but yet I often suffer collapsing in public because of pain. Since that vsit in that ER I got to see a pain specialist. They are not prescribing me a single pain medication. They did offer to prescribe like one pain med... ibuprofen (generic for Advil). Yeah.......
So now because I am technically in "pain management" no other doctor will give me a pain medication. My pain doctor won't give me anything for pain. My pain is severe and just going untreated and affecting my mental status by often making me have suicidal idolization because it is that severe... Just to escape the pain.
At the end of the month I am going to be homeless. Remember those walks I would take? I am going to have to do that every day, but now when I collapse, I won't be able to go to the ER, a doctor there told me that I cannot go there any longer. It was after I fell on the stairs on Saturday. Yes, I fell on stairs, hurt my back, went to the ER to get checked out, and if I fall ever again I cannot go there for that reason. So if I collapse in public, I have no idea what will happen when the paramedics come and try to force me to go there. Shelters don't let you stay there during the day.
Also not being able to rest EVER, not even a single day a week, the pain is going to compound so severely, I don't know what will happen to me physically. It is highly possible that I could have a heart attack, but I will have to see. If I did I would sort of be happy to die that way and for my father to find out. He has 2 houses, and he has denied me any assistance, even small financial. I honestly wonder if he would care.
I love the way the medical system is set up.
So about that documentary, I wrote them:
"I used to work at CVS pharmacy as the lead Pharm tech, so I dealt with patients a lot, usually because there were insurance issues, or because I often handled customer service or handling people well. I have seen pain change people over time, and I have seen narcotic drugs, varying from CV, the lowly abusive kind, up to the CII the highly addictive and abusive kind like morphine or hydromorphone/Dilaudid, change people. My manager's husband developer fibromyalgia and I saw him first change from pain, and then the pain killers made him an addict. But then over 3 years ago I was in a bad car crash, and hurt my back. I am in constant severe pain 24/7. I need to take something like oxycontin or dilaudid every few hours to stave off the pain, not to rid it, STAVE it off. My back and the three main neural pathways down my leg, radiculopathy/sciatica, never goes away. I had to go to the ER after I fell and could not get up because my legs occasionally stop working due to my spinal cord having been damaged. It took 3mg of IV dilaudid to make me stop screaming. I was given 25 norco That was 3 weeks ago, and I have 18 norco left. I don't have any other pain killers, because I have Medi-cal and I have yet to see a doctor for pain. Addicts choose to be addicts, it is very much a choice. You can resist taking extra pills, it is very easy, you are just pathetic if you cannot resist it."
My father married an ex-addict, and she got him heavily involved in Narcotics Anonymous. I know that me saying that addicts choose to be, and have ability to change it, and that it is the furthest thing from a disease ever probably will piss people off, but I stand firmly behind it because I have gotten a heavy taste of those highs that people want to get, and felt that sweet feeling from those hard narcotics. Just because chocolate cake tastes delicious doesn't force you to eat the entire cake at once until you get sick. I have had the cake, and I am fine eating it in moderation like you are supposed to.
So I was watching American Addict, a documentary about how the U.S.A. uses most of the worlds RXs, and I just face palmed so much. A woman was furious about the death of her son.
"He said he had hurt his back and that he was taking it because his back was hurting.
Oxycontin and roxi...codone, and um....... somas?
All prescribed at one time. ((said super fast))
And this doctor was prescribing him medication fuuur an illness he didn't have.
He kinda lost his... ...his drive if you wanna say...?
And I went to work, and about probably like ten o'clock, I don't even, the day is just a mess for me. {sniff} I get a call... and it's my mom.
She says, "Something's wrong with Joseph. I went to wake him up,{pause for emotional breath trying not to cry.} and there's this stuff coming out of his mouth."
And I yelled at my mom. I'm like, "Why are you calling me? Why aren't you calling the, you know, the paramedics or something or something?"
And I ran out of work. I left work... and I prayed all the way home... Tried to bargain with God... No bargaining with God... {small sad laugh} I got here...
No Paramedics.
Only police.
And so he was gone.
And... from what the coroner says is... he only took one pill. He took one pill... and his body couldn't handle it anymore, and he went to sleep, and he didn't wake up. And I guess they found out that, well, maaybee it wasn't just my son. Maaaybeee there's others. So they started doing their own undercover work.
They went in there undercover, and how easy it is to walk into a doctor's office.. and say your back hurts, "my neck hurts, my leg hurts,"... um...{shakes head} and get a prescription for a drug that is really for people with, like, cancer or something that's very, you know, a very severe illness."
You know what, my legs and back hurt, and I really could use some of those drugs they give cancer patients, you know why? I went to the E.R. a couple weeks ago because I collapsed in my own home on the floor... in front of my front door... My legs had stopped working! (again)
I didn't even have my cell phone, which is deactivated but it can call 911, which with wifi I could get on Skype and maybe get someone to come over and help me. I thought about trying to crawl out of the house and into the street. As soon as I began to drag myself a few inches pain that was already bad seared like hot iron through my spine and down my legs and radiated out into my back. I screamed as quietly as I could manage.
It took an hour for someone who is renting another room in the house I live to happen to come downstairs and find me. I was still unable to move my legs, but I had moved about three feet closer to the door.
He called 911 for me. He was also kind enough to retrieve my cellphone and keys. Paramedics came and took me to the ER, yet again. I've been to that ER because my legs have stopped working several times. Most of the other times I have gone against my will. I had been trying to take a walk, then my legs gave out, and after being on the sidewalk for an hour some good samaritan calls 911 to come help me. Because I can't get up and walk they would strap me to a board and then haul me off to the hospital.
So at the ER when I was taken off the board I was in so much pain I screamed so loudly not only did I damage my voice for about four days, but apparently the entire ER and more actually heard me. I usually never can scream very loud, but that was extremely painful. My blood pressure showed just how much I was hurting clocking in at 144/106, and I take a blood pressure medication to lower my BP because of my constant pain.
The doctor decided to give me 2mg of Dilaudid, and against my better judgement I didn't ask for them to only give me 1mg instead of 2mg IV. They set up a saline drip, and I contemplated. The very first time I got Dilaudid it was 2mg and I was like OMFG I never want 2mg again, it was way too strong. It was right after a doctor herniated my disc to 1cm right into my spinal cord. Yeah it helped the pain, but I didn't like the way it affected my mind. But, I was actually in more pain at that moment a couple weeks ago, so I let them give me the 2mg.
I felt high, I hated it, but the pain went down enough that my screams of pain soon only became sobs and whimpers. The doctor went to me and asked me how he wanted me to help him, and I explained that I collapsed closing the door after a friend left, I just wanted to go upstairs to my room and rest. It took another 1mg of Dilaudid to let me sit up, still in a lot of pain. 3mg of Dilaudid for me to still be in quite a bit of pain, but enough to grit and bear it, so I could climb the stairs of my house and go home. So I did.
What is wrong with the medical system that so many people get drugs and treatments for bullshit things, but yet I often suffer collapsing in public because of pain. Since that vsit in that ER I got to see a pain specialist. They are not prescribing me a single pain medication. They did offer to prescribe like one pain med... ibuprofen (generic for Advil). Yeah.......
So now because I am technically in "pain management" no other doctor will give me a pain medication. My pain doctor won't give me anything for pain. My pain is severe and just going untreated and affecting my mental status by often making me have suicidal idolization because it is that severe... Just to escape the pain.
At the end of the month I am going to be homeless. Remember those walks I would take? I am going to have to do that every day, but now when I collapse, I won't be able to go to the ER, a doctor there told me that I cannot go there any longer. It was after I fell on the stairs on Saturday. Yes, I fell on stairs, hurt my back, went to the ER to get checked out, and if I fall ever again I cannot go there for that reason. So if I collapse in public, I have no idea what will happen when the paramedics come and try to force me to go there. Shelters don't let you stay there during the day.
Also not being able to rest EVER, not even a single day a week, the pain is going to compound so severely, I don't know what will happen to me physically. It is highly possible that I could have a heart attack, but I will have to see. If I did I would sort of be happy to die that way and for my father to find out. He has 2 houses, and he has denied me any assistance, even small financial. I honestly wonder if he would care.
I love the way the medical system is set up.
So about that documentary, I wrote them:
"I used to work at CVS pharmacy as the lead Pharm tech, so I dealt with patients a lot, usually because there were insurance issues, or because I often handled customer service or handling people well. I have seen pain change people over time, and I have seen narcotic drugs, varying from CV, the lowly abusive kind, up to the CII the highly addictive and abusive kind like morphine or hydromorphone/Dilaudid, change people. My manager's husband developer fibromyalgia and I saw him first change from pain, and then the pain killers made him an addict. But then over 3 years ago I was in a bad car crash, and hurt my back. I am in constant severe pain 24/7. I need to take something like oxycontin or dilaudid every few hours to stave off the pain, not to rid it, STAVE it off. My back and the three main neural pathways down my leg, radiculopathy/sciatica, never goes away. I had to go to the ER after I fell and could not get up because my legs occasionally stop working due to my spinal cord having been damaged. It took 3mg of IV dilaudid to make me stop screaming. I was given 25 norco That was 3 weeks ago, and I have 18 norco left. I don't have any other pain killers, because I have Medi-cal and I have yet to see a doctor for pain. Addicts choose to be addicts, it is very much a choice. You can resist taking extra pills, it is very easy, you are just pathetic if you cannot resist it."
My father married an ex-addict, and she got him heavily involved in Narcotics Anonymous. I know that me saying that addicts choose to be, and have ability to change it, and that it is the furthest thing from a disease ever probably will piss people off, but I stand firmly behind it because I have gotten a heavy taste of those highs that people want to get, and felt that sweet feeling from those hard narcotics. Just because chocolate cake tastes delicious doesn't force you to eat the entire cake at once until you get sick. I have had the cake, and I am fine eating it in moderation like you are supposed to.
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