Neptune Fallen: Slightly Disabled: August 2021

Tuesday, August 24, 2021

Of Mermaids and Memories...

The smell of Rainbath in the air as I enter the bathroom and I hesitate, but the sound of water in the pipes brings ice to my veins as memories return like a flood right when I really don't need to be remembering more abuse...

Maybe it was just the details getting a but clearer...? Me trying to stop the abuse or ignore it with a game in my head, in my imagination, just escaping.

Even when I think I've found good relationships, I question just how healthy they are, because I silently let myself suffer things that cause great pain or duress without even speaking up sometimes because I'm so used to just being beaten for trying to say something... or even being told to be quiet for the umpteenth time, I bite my tongue.

But even before that, my sister and cousin fucked me up savagely. Molesting me and even going so far as to put extreme insertion and vaginal and anal impaling in my head as young as 9.... forcing me to "masturbate" for them. Which I had NO idea wtf that was at the time... so... it was just further molestation.

My sister was a teen... god she was like 14 by then, she KNEW better.... just... fml kmn.

....

I'm returning to this a few days later after going camping. I'm sure that my sister suffered something to make her behave the way she did towards me, but, it left indelible scars that I don't know if I want to have anything to do with, esp after things said in the last year.

I didn't want to go back to IL and the reason I didn't say anything about going away to the Sequoia National Park was because I was planning to kill myself. If no one knew where I was, no one would be able to send help... I'd find somewhere with no cell signal and OD with booze and pills. (Specific pills that I won't mention, because I don't want to give ideas, but I'm a pharmacy technician with many medications, that are easily abusable in a self harm sense. I would know.) Out in nowhere I wouldn't find a metal bedpost to konk my head on and vomit the contents of my stomachs as the hit renders me unconscious, too. I wanted no getting lucky this time.

But then a friend's family kind of made me ...realize there was more. That even if I become homeless again, I need to keep struggling. I'll face my fears and somehow come thru either alive or not... and if not and I tried, well, I tried.

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What the hell is wrong with me?

Neptune Fallen: Picking up the Pieces

A more personal blog that is less about the doctors and more about me and how I feel.

Also,

From the SSA.GOV website's standpoint

I say, people, don't be ashamed!!

"1.04 Disorders of the spine (e.g., ...spinal stenosis,... degenerative disc disease, facet arthritis,herniated nucleus pulposus), resulting in compromise of a nerve root (including the cauda equina [WHICH HURTS LIKE A MOFO, esp the not being able to pee]) or the spinal cord. With:

A. Evidence of nerve root compression characterized by neuro-anatomic distribution of pain, limitation of motion of the spine, motor loss (atrophy with associated muscle weakness or muscle weakness) accompanied by sensory or reflex loss ...

C. Lumbar spinal stenosis resulting in pseudoclaudication, established by findings on appropriate medically acceptable imaging, manifested by chronic nonradicular pain and weakness, and resulting in inability to ambulate effectively, as defined in 1.00B2b.

12.02 Organic mental disorders:

A. Demonstration of a loss of specific cognitive abilities or affective changes and the medically documented persistence of at least one of the following:

4. Change in personality; or

5. Disturbance in mood; or

6. Emotional lability (e.g., explosive temper outbursts, sudden crying, etc.) and impairment in impulse control; or

AND

B. Resulting in at least two of the following:

1. Marked restriction of activities of daily living; or

2. Marked difficulties in maintaining social functioning; or

3. Marked difficulties in maintaining concentration, persistence, or pace;

4. Repeated episodes of decompensation, each of extended duration;

C. Medically documented history of a chronic organic mental disorder of at least 2 years' duration that has caused more than a minimal limitation of ability to do basic work activities, with symptoms or signs currently attenuated by medication or psychosocial support, and one of the following:

1. Repeated episodes of decompensation, each of extended duration;

12.04 Affective disorders: Characterized by a disturbance of mood, accompanied by a full or partial manic or depressive syndrome. Mood refers to a prolonged emotion that colors the whole psychic life; it generally involves either depression or elation.

The required level of severity for these disorders is met when the requirements in both A and B are satisfied, or when the requirements in C are satisfied.

A. Medically documented persistence, either continuous or intermittent, of one of the following:

1. Depressive syndrome characterized by at least four of the following:

a. Anhedonia or pervasive loss of interest in almost all activities; or

b. Appetite disturbance with change in weight; or

c. Sleep disturbance; or

e. Decreased energy; or

f. Feelings of guilt or worthlessness; or

g. Difficulty concentrating or thinking; or

h. Thoughts of suicide; or

i. paranoid thinking

2. Manic syndrome characterized by at least three of the following:

a. Hyperactivity; or

b. Pressure of speech; or

c. Flight of ideas; or

e. Decreased need for sleep; or

f. Easy distractibility; or

3. Bipolar syndrome with a history of episodic periods manifested by the full symptomatic picture of both manic and depressive syndromes (and currently characterized by either or both syndromes);

AND

B. Resulting in at least two of the following:

1. Marked restriction of activities of daily living; or

2. Marked difficulties in maintaining social functioning; or

3. Marked difficulties in maintaining concentration, persistence, or pace; or

4. Repeated episodes of decompensation, each of extended duration;

12.06 Anxiety-related disorders: In these disorders anxiety is either the predominant disturbance or it is experienced if the individual attempts to master symptoms; for example, confronting the dreaded object or situation in a phobic disorder or resisting the obsessions or compulsions in obsessive compulsive disorders.

The required level of severity for these disorders is met when the requirements in both A and B are satisfied, or when the requirements in both A and C are satisfied.

A. Medically documented findings of at least one of the following:

1. Generalized persistent anxiety accompanied by three out of four of the following signs or symptoms:

a. Motor tension; or

b. Autonomic hyperactivity; or

c. Apprehensive expectation; or

d. Vigilance and scanning; or

2. A persistent irrational fear of a specific object, activity, or situation which results in a compelling desire to avoid the dreaded object, activity, or situation; or

3. Recurrent severe panic attacks manifested by a sudden unpredictable onset of intense apprehension, fear, terror and sense of impending doom occurring on the average of at least once a week; or

5. Recurrent and intrusive recollections of a traumatic experience, which are a source of marked distress;

AND

B. Resulting in at least two of the following:

1. Marked restriction of activities of daily living; or

2. Marked difficulties in maintaining social functioning; or

3. Marked difficulties in maintaining concentration, persistence, or pace; or

4. Repeated episodes of decompensation, each of extended duration.

C. Resulting in complete inability to function independently outside the area of one's home. "[Sadly, yeah, I need someone with me.]

...

and that is just what the Feds say is wrong. Diagnostically I have a lot more wrong with me.