So... It's been way too long since I last posted. But, I've been writing my feelings in fanfiction. LOL. And in a couple posts that I never posted...
A lot has happened.
My pain doctor, well, he had me only on Norco for a long time... too long. I wound up having the procedure on my back, it was called radio-frequency ablation specifically. First they did the right side, and then they did the left. That was just over a month ago that they did the left side and I am in agony still, but it's a different agony than I was in before they did anything. Technically it worked wonderfully. The nerve pain that I was having in my L5, L4, and L3 nerves have been fixed!! But, now I suffer pain in my S1 nerve that is worse than I had before the surgery, and it's on both sides... I'm having severe muscle and nerve pain branching out in my back, too, and it's just horrible.
It all got so bad I wound up going to the emergency room on Sunday the 8th. Sometime last month the pain was super bad and I wound up taking 6 Norco in one day. When I told my pain doctor about it he told me that if I ever hurt that bad again, go to the ER. So on the 8th when I was taking Norco number 5, well, I realized I should go to the ER. I was watching iHosty play HOTS and soon the clock ticked over and it was Monday the 9th... iHosty actually showed concern when I jokingly said that I wanted to stay and watch but said I had to go to the ER instead of continue watching him... that night sucked.
Allen offered to take me instead of me taking a Lyft there and he was upset that I waited for it to get so late, but I only waited so late because I was hoping that maybe the pain would get better. Maybe the icepacks I was using would help. Maybe all the Norcos, the Diclofenacs (NSAIDs that are non-narcotic), and Flexeril (muscle relaxers) would help... but I was at my daily max... so he drove me to the ER instead of me using Lyft or calling someone to drive me there. Then when we got there he got upset that I wheeled myself inside, causing myself excruciating pain--accidentally; I hadn't realized that it would hurt so much just to wheel myself inside!
As I entered the ER and he parked the car the security guard tried to ascertain what was wrong with me because I was literally sobbing from agony and I had difficulty speaking between sobs. Somehow I managed to communicate a little.
"Ma'am, are you okay??" The curvy woman asked, extremely concerned as I came inside and to a halt. "What is wrong?" She looked down at me with raised eyebrows.
I studied the room and saw that there were many other people, maybe twenty or more, which for it being 2AM, that was a fair number for a Sunday night--Monday morning... but I managed to stifle my sobs down enough to talk a bit to the security woman.
"My-my b-b-back...." I cried to her, shaking in pain. Then I merely sobbed a couple more seconds then continued, "p-p-pain... r-really bad..."
"You're back pain's really bad?" She repeated back to me, calmly and respectfully. I have to admit in retrospect she was SUPER nice and kind, probably one of the best people I've dealt with in the ER reception area. "Is this a new problem or something you've had before?"
"It's ch-chronic..." I managed a reply, wiping away some tears.
"Okay," She nodded. "You can sign in over there," she pointed. "How about I push you?" She offered and I nodded grateful for her offer. She pushed me over and she explained how I just had to swipe my ID card. While I was doing that she left and came back with hospital tissues and I thanked her. Then she pushed me over to where the chairs were. "Someone will be with you shortly, okay?" And I could only nod vigorously because I was still crying a lot at this time, the movement of my wheelchair awakening a lot of pain.
Allen came inside and the guard asked if he knew me and he explained he did and she pulled a chair over next to me so he could sit beside me.
"Yo-You don't have t-t-to stay..." I told him. I was aware that he had a very important meeting the next... well now that morning to go to. I had only asked him to drop me off. "You just have to drop me off."
"Let me at least stay until they check you in." He offered, with a smile.
Lately Allen has been cranky with me... He once was my best friend ever and I could turn to him with anything, so him being as nice as he was being felt so alien. We talked a little bit and he was acting so kind, I felt not only like I was dying from the pain, but like perhaps I really was dying cause it felt unreal, him being so nice!
Eventually they called my name and checked my vitals. My blood pressure was a bit high, my hypertension medication apparently working pretty well thankfully, (and maybe all the norco I took too), and everything else OK, too. Then they put me back out in the waiting room. Then Allen didn't leave.
"Dude... you can go home now. You have that important meeting tomorrow." I told him.
"I can't just leave you here alone," He replied to me, sounding aghast, like I was suggesting he force me to walk home a long distance or something.
"I've been to the ER plenty of times. I have my phones. I have my book. I'll be okay. You need sleep," I insisted again, firmly but kindly.
This went on for some time, but eventually he acquiesced and went home.
"Call me if you need me, and call me if you need me to pick you up. Don't use a Lyft if I can get you, okay?" he asked me.
"Alright...." I agreed reluctantly...
I wound up texting a couple friends to see if anyone might be able to pick me up in a couple of hours, but I got literally no replies. I should have taken a Lyft, even if I couldn't have afforded it. He did wind up picking me up hours later just before he had to go into work, and he held it against me, even though he insisted on picking me up. If I hadn't insisted he go home, he wouldn't have gotten any sleep though! I don't understand why he was so, so upset... If he had had his way, he'd have stayed with me at the ER the entire time and not gotten any rest. How would that have been better.
We wound up getting into an argument and he said really horrible things about me. He thinks that I am just a horrible and terrible person. He literally said such. He told me that other people say those things about me, too. Allen told me that I should just stop being such a despicable person. My best friend...
"People ask me, 'why do you let her treat you like that?'" he told me... Because sometimes I get upset at him when people are over and he does really dumb ass shit. He'll turn the air conditioner on (when he makes me pay the electric) and not close any of the windows. He does this a lot.... He never used to wash any dishes, like ever, I used to have to wash them all, which would cause me a lot of pain. I would stand there for over an hour washing and eventually I would have to sit down and sob in pain because it just HURT.... And only 1/4 or less of the dishes were mine, because I wash my dishes immediately usually. He hoards them in his room and then when people come over suddenly he fills the entire sink.
Now that my injury has gotten worse I can't clean his dishes any more... People coming over also trash the living room, and he leaves me to clean it all up. Again, this HURTS me...
When I am doing dishes and he tries to get me to stop and I get angry at him, people think I'm somehow mistreating him??? I mean... what?! I only moved in with him because he was supposed to HELP take CARE OF ME. But there is little care that he gives me. He occasionally will grab me an icepack or bottle of water, and if I ask him to prepare me food the ONLY thing that ever entails is him microwaving something. He refuses to cook for me.
It's not a money thing either... he refuses to accept the money IHSS would pay him for helping to take care of me! So... it's just a fucked up situation...
I used to cook for him almost every day, or every other day actually... aside from doing his dishes.. that's how skewed things were. Now that I desperately need care and I cannot get it, I don't know what I'm doing here. I moved in with him because I couldn't get care where I used to live. Maybe I need to move out from living with Allen for the same reason...
Oh... well.. the ER... at the ER they examined me and realized that I was in a lot of pain and it wasn't being treated well so they wanted to give me a morphine sulfate shot. I am allergic to sulfates, more specifically morphine sulfate. So the doctor asked what I normally get for pain and I told her that I usually get Dilaudid, so they injected me in the arm. I sat crying for another hour in the back after they gave me 1mg... so later they gave me another .5mg and Toradol again in the arm. x__x and they told me I needed an MRI.
Now, why the ER didn't do an MRI there I have NO idea, but they merely just told me I needed an MRI because they think that my spinal cord might be impinged. Well! I have spinal cord stenosis, narrowing of the spinal canal, that wouldn't be a surprise. The next day I went to see my pain doctor as an 'emergency visit.'
Seeing Dr. Kumar urgently he ordered an MRI cause the ER didn't actually give me one, for God only knows why... and he finally FINALLY gave me something stronger than Norco after this lovely conversation.
"So, you went to the ER...." Dr. Kumar said in a drolling way.
"Yeah... You said if I hurt bad enough to take 6 Norco to go. I got to 5, so I decided to go..." I explained to him.
"I see," he replied calmly. "So how has your pain been?"
"It's been really bad. Just really bad. The Norco, the Diclofenac's not helping..." I told him.
"Okay... how about we give you morphine sulfate..." he suggested.
NOW... I've been seeing him a while now. On my chart are my allergies, and the main thing I am allergic to is: MORPHINE SULFATE. I have had a nasty reaction to it, pain, discomfort, trouble breathing, and finally blacking out.
"Uhhh... I'm allergic to that," I shook my head. "I'm allergic to sulfates."
"Oh!" he replied, sounding surprised. "Really? Well, how about I give you tramadol."
"I can try it," I began to explain. "It helped me before, but I began to have seizures because of it. Apparently it's a rare side effect..."
"Oh my goodness," he raised his eyebrows. "Have you tried Percocet?"
"Yeah, a long time ago," I answered. "It seemed to help a little." Honestly, it mostly just got me high at the time rather than help my pain...
So he wound up giving me Percocet, which has oxycodone, generic for Oxycontin. 10mg dosage, so not too high, but higher than 5mg I had before. I'm taking it now and it's helping, without getting me high, so I am happy.
Later I wound up getting that MRI, which was uncomfortable and loud. The machine making all those loud noises as I lie there on my back, the most uncomfortable position for me.
I also got blood tests done and I had an appointment with my primary care doctor to see how I am doing in general with that... My thyroid is a bit high for once, so my dosage of thyroid hormone has to be lowered. My cholesterol was high, maybe the cheeseburgers I was eating the two days before the test? but only by a bit... And my liver enzymes were high, too... all the pain killers I've been taking driving it up. Otherwise I am very healthy. Since my last post I lost 10 lbs. Probably won't lose another pound since they're lowering my thyroid dose.
Still waiting on the MRI results....
I went to see the dentist because Medi-Cal wants more x-rays before they will pay for the $200 they cover of the $2500 of work I need done in my mouth. I found out that it's infected again and got more antibiotics. So... yeah, that was fun.
Eating is super painful still, or again because of the infection. My entire jaw is aching badly, the upper and lower, for hours at a time, sometimes not even because I'm eating, just randomly. Sleep is becoming hard to come by because of the severe jaw pain. I really just... I'm so tired of it... I'm trying to eat soft foods all the time, but now and then I slip and eat something normal and cause excruciating agony for a couple days, just cause I can't keep eating mushy stuff. With Medi-Cal help and my Go Fund Me, I am not quite a fifth of the way there.... By the time I get the money the tooth will probably need to come out, lol.
While I was sitting here and writing this I had begun talking to a friend and he got drunk and began talking in Japanese and he told me something surprising... He said he loved me and then said oops. Not sure how to take that one. "I love you, oops." But, he was drunk...
Several guys have been vying for my romantic attention, but I'm not sure any of them can offer what I really want in a guy, and it makes me a bit uncomfortable, because I feel like I am doing something wrong.... Like I should at least settle on one of them. But settling wouldn't be the right thing to do. I think that's something a terrible person would do.. and... I don't think that I really am a terrible person........
