So lately, I’ve been struggling with severe isolation. I’m well aware that many claim to
have this, too, because so many of my friends say that they have this precise problem,
even worse than me. They do not have time to socialize outside of work, or perhaps that even work at home, and these people only go out shopping for food and other errands and
such. Hearing the complaints and trying to be sympathetic is just digging the dagger
deeper and deeper into my heart.
I only leave my room to use the restroom or to get food. That is, my bedroom; ROOM,
not house… I rent a room from a family whom, at the moment, is having some severe
emotional issues when it comes to my disability, they are extremely uncomfortable with
my presence, so I have to keep myself isolated to my bedroom. I literally have had only
two real social interactions in the last few weeks, and besides that, I have only dealt with
medical visits where the doctors were extremely wary, because of my fragile physical
state. I am dreading the impending chance that I may need a second spinal surgery.
My back is doing so bad, and my seizure episodes have returned, that my physical
therapy has been decreased again, which means that I have lost the once weekly
excursions from my house. I also have not had use of my laptop for over a month… So I
do not even have online social interaction, except from my phone, which is extremely
spotty due to the poor WiFi supported from the router that this house has. Thanks
Verizon.
Even prisoners in federal jail are allowed at least an hour’s recreation every day with
other prisoners every day, but I don’t even have this luxury… (Maybe I should get
arrested?) I received annoyed text messages from a friend complaining that they were
alone in their house. At least they are able-bodied enough to leave their house. They
could afford to walk, take a bus somewhere! I cannot physically walk out of my house
and go anywhere. Yesterday even if I wanted to I couldn’t walk to the kitchen for food,
because I was in so much agony and pain.
To be so hungry and unable to even make yourself even a microwave meal, only eating
plain raw oats… day after day, and knowing that you will not even speak to another
human being for another solid six days… Often my voice will go unused unless I talk to
myself or sing.
What makes matter’s worse off, is that I’ve tried to reach out socially. I tried to join a
“Brony” group, fans of “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic”. Which, as the title
suggests, should emphasis friendship and tolerance and acceptance, but so far my
dealings have been terrible with the local people. Back in downtown Los Angeles the
people were all kind and awesome, but here many come off as quite stuck up and jaded
and I’m not sure why.
One of the famous people in the Brony community had commented that as the
community had grown he’d noticed that more and more people had joined who were
jerks and… other unaccepting people. Maybe I should have listened to him, but he is
someone who did not seem like he really wanted to seek to change his situation and find
happiness. He is someone who would complain to me about being alone, lonely, and sad
all the time, but he was able-bodied and could leave his house, seek to change his
situation, unlike me, but he chose not to.
But, this is one side of the coin.
There is a huge thing that has been irking me for years now. It has become popular for
people to edge into “unpopular” things… Nerdy things, geeky things, and etc. Lots of
people jumped onto the bandwagon of anime and manga for example. Now even
emoticons and terribly mislabeled emoji everywhere I turn and I want to punch someone
in the stomach every time I hear someone who is not Japanese say, “emoji”, unless it is,
an emoji… orz there we go, THAT is an emoji. That is how I feel when an American emoticon is used and someone calls it an emoji, orz . Someone told me that Apple is
actually to blame for this, though, because they had an app that misused the term emoji.
Apple ruins everything… I mean like literally everything.
Someone in one of these groups that irked me badly asked me, yes asked me, about
fighting games, and then once I named off games, then they claimed that the games were
anime and not games… Which a simple Google search and Wikipedia page will show there are games and no anime of the majority of the games listed… The person actually told me to look it up... so I politely explained that, uh no, they are games you play, not watch.
(They went so far as to make very inventive names for Smash Brothers and Mortal
Kombat, and challenged me to “list them”, like list every airdasher genre game, and they saw that they had lost when I easily began naming off game after game of the genre easily.)
They were so stubborn about wanting to appear to know things about nerdy subjects that
are currently popular that they insisted to be correct, despite their wanting information in the first place. Then because they realized that they were grossly ignorant they began to
accuse me of being an abhorrently fake clinger on, like they obviously were, called me a “weeaboo”, because I actually was knowledgeable about Japanese culture, along with anime, manga, but video games, the gaming scene, and comics. I am annoyed by these fake people who are just scene fakes, but I do not see it as a contest or challenge.
This person accused me of trying to brag by mentioning that I had hurt myself in physical therapy, a place where I am trying to recover enough to walk again… Yes, I am a big tough person who hurt myself so badly, I had to use my wheelchair to move around in the
area, when usually I’m able to walk around more when I’m there… It was like this f3person wished to tear what ever shreds of dignity that I, as a poor, disabled, lonely, girl who can’t even take care of herself, has left.
I am a person who tries desperately to actually hide my intelligence and experiences because of the severe abuses I have suffered from people like my father and this person. People who wield their ignorance and jealously around as weapons against others instead of trying to be accepting. (An example, if you argue with a ghetto person they will get in your face and yell repeatedly the same thing over and over, as if they are proving a point, it makes no sense.) I’m not the best at expressing myself, so occasionally when I let a blatant fact slip, like say, I have beaten someone who was once the second best player at Meltyblood in the nation before, I do not mean it as a bragging point… I mean it as, wow is it not cool and sound fun? We should hang out some time and perhaps play some games!
The person who targeted me most recently chose a name that had a title of “Tollerance” in it, yes, misspelled, ironically because they were very intolerant, and it showed their ignorance at the gross misspelling. “Theres a thing called a humble brag, where you brag while trying to make yourself look like its an accident Comments like ‘I over worked myself on the excersize machine and now im banned’ for a good example” was what this person said to me that crawled under my skin.
It was a humble brag to try to let out my deep sadness that my single weekly sessions of going outside of my bedroom was being taken away because I hurt my back? I didn’t over-exercise, my back was hurt because I slipped and fell and I was not cautious enough that physical therapy. I can’t walk very far, and it was far, far, from a brag, it was some of the worst disaster that has occurred to me recently, because it was the first physio I have received for five weeks, because my therapist was on vacation… now I have to wait three weeks! Another three weeks of isolation in my room because my body is in so much pain and is so weak… how is that bragging?
I replied by apologizing over and over to this person, but they did not care at all. It seems like in my life I always seem to be able to take the anger from everyone, whether I am the just cause of it, or not. Often these people have been angry from other reasons, like this person later explained, but I am the person who doesn’t stand up for themselves and allows the terrible treatment to be carried out. Whether it was getting beaten by my ex, trapped in a tiny room, hit by my father, or terribly controlled by the people I live with in cruel and unusual ways, I don’t know how to find the strength to stop it… Because in each case, where would I live?
