I have been shut in my room for pretty much weeks. Contemplating suicide, carving into my flesh deeply to punish myself for things, and just wishing I were not here. I keep listening to Metric's song Blindness, part of the lyrics are:
You gave me a life I never chose
I wanna leave, but the world won't let me go
Wanna leave, but the world won't let me go
It summarizes how I feel. Allen, my best friend has been under stress and has had an extremely short fuse with me, probably because I don't argue back, and I am ruining every part of his life. Shortly after my last post he angrily told me how I am causing suffering in every part of his life. Work, home, school, everywhere. Just by me living I cause worry to him, which is horrible.
My ex boyfriend has also decided to be nice in public but has deemed me such a horrible person that he wants nothing to do with me unless it is in a public setting.
I was sitting in the ER because I couldn't stand my back pain, slicing my arm over and over, security came and told me I couldn't do that. So I went outside and did it. They skipped over me in the ER rotation. I waited 3 unnecessary hours at the county hospital... No psych evaluation was done, despite me hurting myself and the fact that I was feeling extremely suicidal given the above things.
Allen I think has realized that he is just a friend to me, and so now he is taking it out on me. He doesn't want to hang out as much, he doesn't want to do things as much. Yesterday he and another friend of mine went to my ex's to play the new Guilty Gear. He dropped me off in Little Tokyo.
He forgot about me pretty much, picking me up at nearly 1:30AM. Then he was also very angry and cold to me on the ride home. I am beginning to wonder if perhaps it is me, but with other friends, like the third friend playing the game, and others, they are fine with me.
Strangers find me kind. I cannot figure out what I am doing wrong to upset the people that I really do not want to upset, and it is making me sick.
Starting school was awkward and a huge let down for me. I am so bad socially outside of video game or anime places, and the wheelchair, I am isolated. I sit right in front, alone. Some of the students talk to me a little, but it is just general chit chat. The teacher "Hall-sensei" is complicated and a greedy lil bitch. I asked about getting copies of pages of homework as I was awaiting financial aid and she was astonished, saying it was against copyright, HER copyright.
I studied hard for a huge test on Wednesday and then she was like you can use your charts to read the Hiragana, which seemed to defeat the point of the quiz, but only the charts that held HER copyright you see. I fortunately knew everything, but I was kind of pissed that other people will get 100% without studying at all.
Allen gets stressed about me and the school. I have to be in the wheelchair. I can barely handle the drive there. Fortunately the nurse was kind enough to give me a temporary handicap placard for the college as I am seeing my back surgeon Friday.
Allen forgot about the appointment and got so upset when I reminded him for the uptinth time 2 weeks ago... He got angry at me when he asked what comics I wanted to keep reading, when months, MONTHS ago I told him I just wanted the My Little Pony comics, hey they are good.
Every time that I tell him something and he forgets I get his brutal wrath, and I don't know what to do about it, I just want to cut. I started up music and began writing this post this time. Some 'band' nearby who is new is trying to practice but I pissed him off today over a rubber band, like REALLY pissed him off. Allen never got angry back when I met him years ago, it is so weird that he gets so angry all the time now.
I can't even retreat into World of Warcraft. The guild that I got him into, that I helped build up, I was discussing things that he had told me, and then he recanted everything and said he didn't say any of it. He had said things like people in raiding positions would be removed from the guild if their dps was too low for example, without warning, or notice either, so they would have no idea why they were kicked. You would think they might get a demotion, but no. Yet he changed his entire story, and I had to leave the guild.
He keeps fretting when I hurt badly, and I am scared when he comes to my aid. I am terrified to ask him for anything, when before he used to help me so much. He almost scares me as much as my first two ex boyfriends scare me. It is like I am just waiting for him to start hitting me, lol.
So I started taking video, I am going to put it up on youtube and link it, from the ER and other times. Our great and wonderful medical system at work!
I was unable to get into any other classes except Japanese. As depressed as I have been, I do not think I can really handle much more anyway. I just sort of wish the wind could blow me away into dust so I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. There is no lawsuit, there is no help, SSI is going to fight me tooth and nail that there is work out there somewhere. It makes me even more depressed ironically.
